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Author Topic: Exchanges with People that Make Your Brain Hurt  (Read 2410991 times)

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WillyNilly

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Re: Exchanges with People that Make Your Brain Hurt
« Reply #5955 on: December 03, 2012, 01:00:22 PM »
If my DH, who until recently was BF then DF, had said to me (or said now) "this is how it is!" I'd be annoyed.  If he came to me and said "hey this is what I've done and what I'd like to do do," I'd be fine with it.  Its holiday season, which means its party season and high-stress season and presuming they both work full time, Saturday nights are a 'premium' evening, so I think the Girlfriend deserved some thought and consideration, and ample advanced notice.  I would think this way even if he was going with a guy friend or even a relative.

RooRoo

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Re: Exchanges with People that Make Your Brain Hurt
« Reply #5956 on: December 03, 2012, 01:11:02 PM »
I'm only up to page 72 so far, but just had to add this.

The phone just rang, a minute ago. The number shows as "unknown," but I have to answer those, since that's what shows when DH calls from work, or when they call for him.

Me: Hello?
Her: (As a greeting) Hey!
Me: Who is this?
Her: What's up?
Me: Who is this?
Her: Are you getting over here? (Nicely, but implying that I am late for something.)
Me, a bit impatiently: Who IS this?
Her: Oh... Uh... Oh... *click*
For in the fatness of these pursy times
Virtue itself of vice must pardon beg,
Yea, curb and woo for leave to do him good.
     Hamlet, Act 3, scene 4, lines 144-146
       (Pursy: wheezing)

RooRoo

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Re: Exchanges with People that Make Your Brain Hurt
« Reply #5957 on: December 03, 2012, 01:30:27 PM »
I don't believe it! She called back!

Me: Hello?
Her: (garbled)
Me: I don't know who you are calling, but it's NOT ME.
Her: Listen, I have to go (garbled) so can you just leave the door...
Me (Rudely interrupting) YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER!
Her: But I just...
Me (Rudely interrupting again) YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER! I suggest you LOOK UP THE RIGHT ONE!

I now suspect that she was drunk.

The only excuse I can come up with for my rudeness is that I've been quite sick, and though feeling better, I'm still running a fever and have a headache. Also that it had become obvious that her ears were not connecting to her brain. So, I yelled. Time will tell... (RooRoo looks at the phone as if it were some kind of slimy alien)
For in the fatness of these pursy times
Virtue itself of vice must pardon beg,
Yea, curb and woo for leave to do him good.
     Hamlet, Act 3, scene 4, lines 144-146
       (Pursy: wheezing)

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Exchanges with People that Make Your Brain Hurt
« Reply #5958 on: December 03, 2012, 01:56:25 PM »
I see it differently - he is acting as another woman's date for a night.  I can understand why that would make someone uncomfortable especially since he didn't bother to check in with her first, not to ask permission but to explain and see how it would make her feel.  Instead he just went and announced it like it was a done deal and depending on how long they've been dating (I guess seriousness would trump length though), that's not cool.

I agree, I think I handled it badly. I don't mind DH having a female friend or two, but if he told me "Hey, I'm going to do this on this date without first checking to make sure I didn't have any plans for that night, or how I felt, I would NOT be very happy with him at all.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Iris

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Re: Exchanges with People that Make Your Brain Hurt
« Reply #5959 on: December 03, 2012, 02:31:30 PM »
When we were dating DH had a 'friend' who kept asking him to do 'friend' things. I was fine with it - we both have friends of the opposite sex - until it became obvious that she was trying to get him to dump me and go out with her. She continued to keep in contact with him via phone until I realised that she was using these phone calls to encourage him to tell her all about any problems that he had with me. Then I did issue an ultimatum, a very dramatic 'your friend or me' type thing. So cliche, I know  ::).

So I'm torn on the Christmas party thing. If it is *just* a party plus a rather tactless mishandling and there is nothing else, then I think an ultimatum of 'the party or me' is OTT and I would say that maybe it's time to break up. If there is more to the story or if the girlfriend has an experience like mine in her past that makes her extra suspicious, then I would say they still need to work on their communication skills for sure.
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Iris

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Re: Exchanges with People that Make Your Brain Hurt
« Reply #5960 on: December 03, 2012, 02:38:09 PM »
^ A man who has his mother living with him, apparently forever, doesn't think a girlfriend should cause him to alter his life in any way, up to and including going out with other women, and also sees no reason to consult his (serious) girlfriend on life altering decisions?

Sounds like a catch. Yeah, I'm betting that this fight is over waaaaaaaaay more than the party and he just doesn't realise it.
"Can't do anything with children, can you?" the woman said.

Poirot thought you could, but forebore to say so.

ica171

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Re: Exchanges with People that Make Your Brain Hurt
« Reply #5961 on: December 03, 2012, 02:52:55 PM »
^ A man who has his mother living with him, apparently forever, doesn't think a girlfriend should cause him to alter his life in any way, up to and including going out with other women, and also sees no reason to consult his (serious) girlfriend on life altering decisions?

Sounds like a catch. Yeah, I'm betting that this fight is over waaaaaaaaay more than the party and he just doesn't realise it.

Now that I've read all the replies, I agree with this. On the surface, if it was my DH and it happened now, after we've been together for ten years, I'd be fine with it. If I were this woman, in that stage in her relationship with that guy, with all those other issues, I'd have a big problem.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Exchanges with People that Make Your Brain Hurt
« Reply #5962 on: December 03, 2012, 03:01:55 PM »
The party as an isolated incident?  She would be overreacting, IMO.  But with the additional backstory?  Yeah, she's got a case.

Iris, I agree with you that if my 'friend' was interested in me and making it obvious to my partner, then I wouldn't boot him for giving me an ultimatum and would likely drop the friend, rather than the boyfriend.
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jedikaiti

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Re: Exchanges with People that Make Your Brain Hurt
« Reply #5963 on: December 03, 2012, 03:14:13 PM »
I see it differently - he is acting as another woman's date for a night.  I can understand why that would make someone uncomfortable especially since he didn't bother to check in with her first, not to ask permission but to explain and see how it would make her feel.  Instead he just went and announced it like it was a done deal and depending on how long they've been dating (I guess seriousness would trump length though), that's not cool.

That's true - I would have like to know ahead of time with some explanation, rather than it being sprung on me.  I don't expect to have any say in it but would like to be informed.  'Honey, for many years, I've accompanied friend to her Christmas party.  I'd like to continue to do that, if you're OK with it.'

But a partner who told me to choose between him and my friends?  Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Exactly - for me it's more about the attitude than anything else. "So I usually go to this Christmas party with Female Friend every year as her +1. This year the party is on December X - do you have any objections to me continuing the tradition?" would likely get a "Have fun, win something good!" from me, but "I'm going to be busy on December X so I can go to a party as Other Girl's date." indicates a lack of thought and consideration and may be symptomatic of larger concerns within the relationship.
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artk2002

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Re: Exchanges with People that Make Your Brain Hurt
« Reply #5964 on: December 03, 2012, 03:43:52 PM »
I see it differently - he is acting as another woman's date for a night.  I can understand why that would make someone uncomfortable especially since he didn't bother to check in with her first, not to ask permission but to explain and see how it would make her feel.  Instead he just went and announced it like it was a done deal and depending on how long they've been dating (I guess seriousness would trump length though), that's not cool.

That's true - I would have like to know ahead of time with some explanation, rather than it being sprung on me.  I don't expect to have any say in it but would like to be informed.  'Honey, for many years, I've accompanied friend to her Christmas party.  I'd like to continue to do that, if you're OK with it.'

But a partner who told me to choose between him and my friends?  Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

True, but he forced that issue in the first place. She was told "take this" and I don't blame her one bit for responding with an ultimatum. Personally, *she* should be the one walking away right now, since he couldn't be bothered to give her the least bit of consideration in this.
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hobish

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Re: Exchanges with People that Make Your Brain Hurt
« Reply #5965 on: December 03, 2012, 04:03:30 PM »
I see it differently - he is acting as another woman's date for a night.  I can understand why that would make someone uncomfortable especially since he didn't bother to check in with her first, not to ask permission but to explain and see how it would make her feel.  Instead he just went and announced it like it was a done deal and depending on how long they've been dating (I guess seriousness would trump length though), that's not cool.

That's true - I would have like to know ahead of time with some explanation, rather than it being sprung on me.  I don't expect to have any say in it but would like to be informed.  'Honey, for many years, I've accompanied friend to her Christmas party.  I'd like to continue to do that, if you're OK with it.'

But a partner who told me to choose between him and my friends?  Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Not in my world. I don't ask Gish for permission to do things, and i do not expect him to, either. It has worked for 10+ really happy years so far. As i have said before, though, i think we are probably a lot more ... liberal? ... than most, so what works there may not work for everyone.  :) I am quite sure we have caused others some brain hurty moments now and then.

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Mental Magpie

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Re: Exchanges with People that Make Your Brain Hurt
« Reply #5966 on: December 03, 2012, 05:39:27 PM »
I see it differently - he is acting as another woman's date for a night.  I can understand why that would make someone uncomfortable especially since he didn't bother to check in with her first, not to ask permission but to explain and see how it would make her feel.  Instead he just went and announced it like it was a done deal and depending on how long they've been dating (I guess seriousness would trump length though), that's not cool.

That's true - I would have like to know ahead of time with some explanation, rather than it being sprung on me.  I don't expect to have any say in it but would like to be informed.  'Honey, for many years, I've accompanied friend to her Christmas party.  I'd like to continue to do that, if you're OK with it.'

But a partner who told me to choose between him and my friends?  Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Not in my world. I don't ask Gish for permission to do things, and i do not expect him to, either. It has worked for 10+ really happy years so far. As i have said before, though, i think we are probably a lot more ... liberal? ... than most, so what works there may not work for everyone.  :) I am quite sure we have caused others some brain hurty moments now and then.

It's worked for 3 years for us, too.

Me:  Hey, I'm going to a party with Male Friend on the 8th, it's kind of a tradition.
Him:  Oh, I thought we'd go see a movie that night, but it's OK.
Me:  Do you want to go see it tonight instead?
Him: Sure.

OR

Me:  Hey, I'm going to a party with Male Friend on the 8th, it's kind of a tradition.
Him:  I'd rather you not.
Me:  OK, why?  Let's talk about this.



An OTT ultimatum is completely not necessary.  Instead of throwing a hissy fit because he's doing something without her, they should talk about why this is upsetting her.  As far as the whole mom moving back in thing, it's his house.  If she has a problem with his mom living in his house because she may live there one day, she can suggest they move into a completely different place or request that his mom move out when she moves in.  Until then, it's his house.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Exchanges with People that Make Your Brain Hurt
« Reply #5967 on: December 03, 2012, 07:06:52 PM »
DH had a female friend in college that I really didn't like from the start, but that may have been because she said "oh he is so cute, you're so lucky, I wish we could clone him!" He told me that when he was doing the on and off thing with his ex gf, this friend was only ever interested when he and ex gf were together. Anytime he was free, she wasn't interested. 

That he continued to be her friend until 2 years ago is simply because he really doesn't like to give up on friendships and for the longest time he didn't see that she was still trying to get him cause he's one of those guys that doesn't realize a girl's hitting on him until her lips are on his.  It finally clicked when she tried to get him to put her money in his bank account so she could leave her husband eventually. 

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Decimus

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Re: Exchanges with People that Make Your Brain Hurt
« Reply #5968 on: December 04, 2012, 11:59:52 AM »
I had this happen this past weekend.  My fiancée and I were talking to my mother and mentioned fiancee was thinking of taking my last name, but perhaps just socially (she's an established professional).

My mother strongly said my fiancee should NOT change her name legally, just socially.  Apparently my mother changed her name for her first marriage, but for her second marriage (to my dad) she kept her name.  Apparently the bar association (mom is a lawyer) STILL has her down as "Firstname Lastname Firsthusbandsname" because they wanted the divorce decree to make it an official change and it was a foreign divorce decree.

That was probably around 40 years ago.  My mother can prove she was married and divorced a SECOND time in the interval, but the bar association continues to list her by her first husband's name.  My brain hurts!  LOL

ETA: fixed typo
« Last Edit: December 04, 2012, 02:42:23 PM by Decimus »

lady_disdain

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Re: Exchanges with People that Make Your Brain Hurt
« Reply #5969 on: December 04, 2012, 01:01:17 PM »
I had this happen this past weekend.  My financee and I were talking to my mother and mentioned fiancee was thinking of taking my last name, but perhaps just socially (she's an established professional).

Do you support her? :D


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