Exchanges with People that Make Your Brain Hurt

[ica171]

^ A man who has his mother living with him, apparently forever, doesn't think a girlfriend should cause him to alter his life in any way, up to and including going out with other women, and also sees no reason to consult his (serious) girlfriend on life altering decisions?

Sounds like a catch. Yeah, I'm betting that this fight is over waaaaaaaaay more than the party and he just doesn't realise it.

Now that I've read all the replies, I agree with this. On the surface, if it was my DH and it happened now, after we've been together for ten years, I'd be fine with it. If I were this woman, in that stage in her relationship with that guy, with all those other issues, I'd have a big problem.

[Shalamar]

Apparently she's now trying to get him to attend counselling sessions with her.  I'm not holding my breath!

[Outdoor Girl]

The party as an isolated incident?  She would be overreacting, IMO.  But with the additional backstory?  Yeah, she's got a case.

Iris, I agree with you that if my 'friend' was interested in me and making it obvious to my partner, then I wouldn't boot him for giving me an ultimatum and would likely drop the friend, rather than the boyfriend.

[jedikaiti]

I see it differently - he is acting as another woman's date for a night.  I can understand why that would make someone uncomfortable especially since he didn't bother to check in with her first, not to ask permission but to explain and see how it would make her feel.  Instead he just went and announced it like it was a done deal and depending on how long they've been dating (I guess seriousness would trump length though), that's not cool.

That's true - I would have like to know ahead of time with some explanation, rather than it being sprung on me.  I don't expect to have any say in it but would like to be informed.  'Honey, for many years, I've accompanied friend to her Christmas party.  I'd like to continue to do that, if you're OK with it.'

But a partner who told me to choose between him and my friends?  Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Exactly - for me it's more about the attitude than anything else. "So I usually go to this Christmas party with Female Friend every year as her +1. This year the party is on December X - do you have any objections to me continuing the tradition?" would likely get a "Have fun, win something good!" from me, but "I'm going to be busy on December X so I can go to a party as Other Girl's date." indicates a lack of thought and consideration and may be symptomatic of larger concerns within the relationship.

[Shalamar]

I guess I should be fair and say that, since I wasn't there, I have no idea how he broached the subject of the party.  Given what I know about this guy, I wouldn't mind betting that it was a case of "I'm busy Saturday night because I'm going to Cassandra's party as her plus-one, have a nice night!", but I don't know that for sure.

On the other hand - it does seem like Girlfriend has issues, trust and jealousy among them.  A while back he posted a somewhat racy picture on his Facebook page.  She gave him heck because "I show my Facebook stuff to my kids, and I don't want want them seeing that!"  Her "kids" are the teenagers that she teaches.  I have no idea why she's showing them anything on Facebook - that sounds a bit weird to me.  Not to mention the fact that his Facebook page is his, and he's entitled to put anything he wants on it.

[artk2002]

I see it differently - he is acting as another woman's date for a night.  I can understand why that would make someone uncomfortable especially since he didn't bother to check in with her first, not to ask permission but to explain and see how it would make her feel.  Instead he just went and announced it like it was a done deal and depending on how long they've been dating (I guess seriousness would trump length though), that's not cool.

That's true - I would have like to know ahead of time with some explanation, rather than it being sprung on me.  I don't expect to have any say in it but would like to be informed.  'Honey, for many years, I've accompanied friend to her Christmas party.  I'd like to continue to do that, if you're OK with it.'

But a partner who told me to choose between him and my friends?  Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

True, but he forced that issue in the first place. She was told "take this" and I don't blame her one bit for responding with an ultimatum. Personally, *she* should be the one walking away right now, since he couldn't be bothered to give her the least bit of consideration in this.

[hobish]

I see it differently - he is acting as another woman's date for a night.  I can understand why that would make someone uncomfortable especially since he didn't bother to check in with her first, not to ask permission but to explain and see how it would make her feel.  Instead he just went and announced it like it was a done deal and depending on how long they've been dating (I guess seriousness would trump length though), that's not cool.

That's true - I would have like to know ahead of time with some explanation, rather than it being sprung on me.  I don't expect to have any say in it but would like to be informed.  'Honey, for many years, I've accompanied friend to her Christmas party.  I'd like to continue to do that, if you're OK with it.'

But a partner who told me to choose between him and my friends?  Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Not in my world. I don't ask Gish for permission to do things, and i do not expect him to, either. It has worked for 10+ really happy years so far. As i have said before, though, i think we are probably a lot more ... liberal? ... than most, so what works there may not work for everyone.  I am quite sure we have caused others some brain hurty moments now and then.

[Mental Magpie]

I see it differently - he is acting as another woman's date for a night.  I can understand why that would make someone uncomfortable especially since he didn't bother to check in with her first, not to ask permission but to explain and see how it would make her feel.  Instead he just went and announced it like it was a done deal and depending on how long they've been dating (I guess seriousness would trump length though), that's not cool.

That's true - I would have like to know ahead of time with some explanation, rather than it being sprung on me.  I don't expect to have any say in it but would like to be informed.  'Honey, for many years, I've accompanied friend to her Christmas party.  I'd like to continue to do that, if you're OK with it.'

But a partner who told me to choose between him and my friends?  Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Not in my world. I don't ask Gish for permission to do things, and i do not expect him to, either. It has worked for 10+ really happy years so far. As i have said before, though, i think we are probably a lot more ... liberal? ... than most, so what works there may not work for everyone.  I am quite sure we have caused others some brain hurty moments now and then.

It's worked for 3 years for us, too.

Me:  Hey, I'm going to a party with Male Friend on the 8th, it's kind of a tradition.
Him:  Oh, I thought we'd go see a movie that night, but it's OK.
Me:  Do you want to go see it tonight instead?
Him: Sure.

OR

Me:  Hey, I'm going to a party with Male Friend on the 8th, it's kind of a tradition.
Him:  I'd rather you not.
Me:  OK, why?  Let's talk about this.



An OTT ultimatum is completely not necessary.  Instead of throwing a hissy fit because he's doing something without her, they should talk about why this is upsetting her.  As far as the whole mom moving back in thing, it's his house.  If she has a problem with his mom living in his house because she may live there one day, she can suggest they move into a completely different place or request that his mom move out when she moves in.  Until then, it's his house.

[Piratelvr1121]

DH had a female friend in college that I really didn't like from the start, but that may have been because she said "oh he is so cute, you're so lucky, I wish we could clone him!" He told me that when he was doing the on and off thing with his ex gf, this friend was only ever interested when he and ex gf were together. Anytime he was free, she wasn't interested. 

That he continued to be her friend until 2 years ago is simply because he really doesn't like to give up on friendships and for the longest time he didn't see that she was still trying to get him cause he's one of those guys that doesn't realize a girl's hitting on him until her lips are on his.  It finally clicked when she tried to get him to put her money in his bank account so she could leave her husband eventually. 

[Decimus]

I had this happen this past weekend.  My fiancée and I were talking to my mother and mentioned fiancee was thinking of taking my last name, but perhaps just socially (she's an established professional).

My mother strongly said my fiancee should NOT change her name legally, just socially.  Apparently my mother changed her name for her first marriage, but for her second marriage (to my dad) she kept her name.  Apparently the bar association (mom is a lawyer) STILL has her down as "Firstname Lastname Firsthusbandsname" because they wanted the divorce decree to make it an official change and it was a foreign divorce decree.

That was probably around 40 years ago.  My mother can prove she was married and divorced a SECOND time in the interval, but the bar association continues to list her by her first husband's name.  My brain hurts!  LOL

ETA: fixed typo

[lady_disdain]

I had this happen this past weekend.  My financee and I were talking to my mother and mentioned fiancee was thinking of taking my last name, but perhaps just socially (she's an established professional).

Do you support her?

[Decimus]

I had this happen this past weekend.  My fiancee and I were talking to my mother and mentioned fiancee was thinking of taking my last name, but perhaps just socially (she's an established professional).

Do you support her?

Do I support my fiancée?  Well I support her decision whatever she chooses.  Do I support her financially?  That's another brain-hurt moment.  She makes more than I do (quite a bit more) but her parents are in a snit because I don't make enough to support her if I worked and she didn't.  Apparently her parents are stuck in 1950.

[Hillia]

I had this happen this past weekend.  My fiancee and I were talking to my mother and mentioned fiancee was thinking of taking my last name, but perhaps just socially (she's an established professional).

Do you support her?

Do I support my fiancée?  Well I support her decision whatever she chooses.  Do I support her financially?  That's another brain-hurt moment.  She makes more than I do (quite a bit more) but her parents are in a snit because I don't make enough to support her if I worked and she didn't.  Apparently her parents are stuck in 1950.

I think there was a misreading of 'fiancee' to 'financee' - i.e., someone you finance. That was the joke...the poster wasn't asking for details on your relationship.

[Midnight Kitty]

I had this happen this past weekend.  My financee and I were talking to my mother and mentioned fiancee was thinking of taking my last name, but perhaps just socially (she's an established professional).

Do you support her?

Do I support my fiancée?  Well I support her decision whatever she chooses.  Do I support her financially?  That's another brain-hurt moment.  She makes more than I do (quite a bit more) but her parents are in a snit because I don't make enough to support her if I worked and she didn't.  Apparently her parents are stuck in 1950.

Lady_disdain was making a joke out of your typo.  I know you saw the typo because you corrected it.

BTW - Many people, not just parents who are "stuck in 1950" would prefer that their child marry someone who can support said child and a family.  This is because many people believe it is better for children to be raised by one full-time parent, at least until the children start school.  If your fiancee plans to work while you stay home and raise the children, that is a perfectly reasonable approach.  Have you told her parents of your plans?  I make more money than my DH.  I always have, even before he was permanently disabled.  Our plan was for me to work and him to stay home until the children started school.  We were not able to have children, so the whole discussion was moot, but we had a plan.  Maybe if you discuss your plans and backup plans with your fiancee, then she can tell her parents, "Don't worry, we have plans and contingencies.  We won't need support from you to raise your grandchildren."

Maybe your future in-laws are "stuck in 1950" and believe that one qualification for a man to marry their daughter is that he make oodles of moolah.  Lucky for you, their daughter does not believe that and she chose you.

[Syfygeek]

Would this make your brain hurt?

I come back from lunch, and boss comes back from meeting.  He says Jane Doe from OtherPlace is calling me about a fax they're sending.  I check voice mail, and there is a message from Jane Doe- says she was talking to Boss and he told her to call me to get our fax number, would I email or call her with it.  This is the same number it's been for 6 years.  The same number it's been on his business cards, letterhead and e-mail signature for 6 years.

I email her the fax number- and since she's been on a committee here until last month, it's the same fax number she's had on her contact list for 6 years, and in the signature block of the e-mail I sent her this morning.

I keep thinking I missed something, and maybe there's a super secret fax number they don't know?