Exchanges with People that Make Your Brain Hurt

[2littlemonkeys]

DH and I recently bought a new (to us!) second-hand car.  This is fairly significant because since moving to our current city 4 years ago we've lived car-free, using bicycles and public transport.  It's been fun, but we made the lifestyle choice that we want to have a vehicle again.  The car we got is fantastic - very small and compact for city use, fairly economical to run, but also has a powerful engine so suits DH's mechanically minded sensibilities.   

DH took the new car around to show my brother and sister-in-law.   My SIL simply could not get her head around why we'd bought such a small car.      "That trunk is so tiny, how will you fit your groceries in it?"    was just one of the many concerns she kept expressing.   

She didn't seem to understand that we've managed just fine for 4 years with no car, and that ANY car is going to significantly improve the convenience of shopping etc!  Nothing DH said could convince her that the car is exactly what we want and will make our lives much better!    (Incidentally, the grocery store is less than 5 minutes WALK from our house.  We either walk down or if we need a big shop then we order online and get free delivery.  Really the car makes little difference to that!)   Sure, if we want to buy a giant piece of furniture or similar then we'd probably have trouble transporting it, but that applies to most cars!   We've since been around in circles a few times with SIL, but she still doesn't seem to get it.  Our lifestyles are just very different, clearly!     We are having a baby in the new year which is potentially impacting on her perspective, but again, having a car can only make things easier for that, we don't need to go from no car to a giant people mover just because of a new baby!!!   We have no need or desire to own one of those gigantic tank-sized strollers anyway, so the fact I can't fit one in the car won't be an issue...  there really is more than enough room for the baby and any other paraphenalia - it's not as if we got a 2 seater sports car!

I had a similar conversation with my MIL about our car right after our youngest child was born.

Prior to YDD's birth, any time my little 3 person family and the ILs went out somewhere, we'd just take one car.  But YDD's birth changed that, as our 5-seater car now had 4 of those 5 seats occupied.  MIL complained bitterly about what a "horrible situation" (yes, she used those exact words.) the whole thing was.  Our car seats were too big.  Our backseat was too small.  Blah blah blah.  She still complains about it, some 5 years later.

Here's where my brain hurts and she just can't understand.  Even if our car seats weren't behemoths* and our car had a roomier backseat, we still only have 5 seats and 6 people.  I'm not sure what she wants us to do about it, other than go out and buy a minivan.  Which we aren't going to do.

*and we've graduated to boosters, which take up much less room.  Guess what!  Still only 5 seats...

[gramma dishes]

...   MIL complained bitterly about what a "horrible situation" (yes, she used those exact words.) the whole thing was.  Our car seats were too big.  Our backseat was too small.  ...

Would it have been rude if  you had addressed her expressed concerns with "Oh!  You're offering to buy us a new, bigger, more appropriate sized car??  Oh, that's so sweet of you!  Would you like to shop for it with us or shall we just pick one out ourselves and have it billed to you?"

[MommyPenguin]

The eyeglass comment reminds me of one!  Ten years ago, I was working in a smallish library where I spent a lot of time working directly with the branch manager.  I wore contacts, but while I was working there I asked for a Friday off so that I could get lasik surgery to correct my vision so I wouldn't have to wear the contacts anymore.  In the two weeks before the surgery, they tell you (or told you back then) that you had to wear glasses instead of your contacts, because contacts can affect the shape of your eye and you need to let it go back to normal before the surgery.  So I started wearing my glasses again.  Anyway, I was chatting with my branch manager and mentioned that I was taking a day off to get lasik surgery.  She exclaimed, "Oh, my goodness!  I won't be able to recognize you without your glasses!"  Riiiiight.  The glasses that I had only been wearing for a couple of days at that point?

[laud_shy_girl]

Glasses made me think.

My boss at an old Job was adamant that I "did. not. wear. glasses!!!" he argued and argued.
who was he arguing with? me
The argument started because he saw me wearing... glasses.
He gave me funny look first thing as I went past.
He then came up to me later in the day, when I did not have them on and told me I did not ware Glasses. 

I only use them when I am out or driving.

[Dindrane]

Dindrane wrote:

"At one point, I think when the waitress we had was getting me some lime for my diet coke, she said, "here you go, sweetie." It hurt my brain a little because, a) that's kind of a condescending way to address anyone who is older than about 5, and b) I'm almost positive that she was one of those servers in her early 20s. I know I don't look like a teenager, so at the very least, we were peers."

This alone wouldn't catch me by surprise if I was anywhere near the southern U.S., so I'll guess that she was from that area and it's just a cutural thing.  Getting called "sweetie" and "hon" and "sugar" by all and sundry is par for the course where I lived.

Virg

I don't live anywhere near the US south, as it happens. I rather doubt the waitress was from there. And in fact, I am from the south originally. I would only expect that form of addressing someone from an older person to a younger one (or at least someone who could be perceived as younger). It really seemed like she was just totally misjudging my age.

[Mental Magpie]

Dindrane wrote:

"At one point, I think when the waitress we had was getting me some lime for my diet coke, she said, "here you go, sweetie." It hurt my brain a little because, a) that's kind of a condescending way to address anyone who is older than about 5, and b) I'm almost positive that she was one of those servers in her early 20s. I know I don't look like a teenager, so at the very least, we were peers."

This alone wouldn't catch me by surprise if I was anywhere near the southern U.S., so I'll guess that she was from that area and it's just a cutural thing.  Getting called "sweetie" and "hon" and "sugar" by all and sundry is par for the course where I lived.

Virg

I don't live anywhere near the US south, as it happens. I rather doubt the waitress was from there. And in fact, I am from the south originally. I would only expect that form of addressing someone from an older person to a younger one (or at least someone who could be perceived as younger). It really seemed like she was just totally misjudging my age.

While I absolutely hate when people use pet names with me (Sweetie, Hun, Dearie), I don't think she was misjudging your age at all, nor do I think she was intentionally insulting you.  It's very common among younger women (not necessarily from the south) to call everyone pet names, even complete strangers.  I once let someone go in front of me at the bank (she was about my age) and she said, "Thanks, Hun!"  It's been a trend for a while now...and I absolutely abhor it.

[BabylonSister]

[snip]

While I absolutely hate when people use pet names with me (Sweetie, Hun, Dearie), I don't think she was misjudging your age at all, nor do I think she was intentionally insulting you.  It's very common among younger women (not necessarily from the south) to call everyone pet names, even complete strangers.  I once let someone go in front of me at the bank (she was about my age) and she said, "Thanks, Hun!"  It's been a trend for a while now...and I absolutely abhor it.

Around here, I have seen very young women use it toward elderly women - clearly, there was no misjudging of age. I think that's just how they are used to addressing others. I'm in a rural area of the Midwest, BTW. I have not seen that trend in urban areas.

[gramma dishes]

I've been called lots of things like that --  Hon, Dear, Sweetie, Ma'am, etc. --  and it doesn't bother me a bit. 

I figure that at least they're trying to address me directly and since they have no idea of my name, age or even marital status, it's just a way of personalizing what is basically a business or fleeting social transaction.

I did object just once.  Many years ago a waiter called me "Babe" and I thought that was heinously inappropriate! 

[Dindrane]

While I absolutely hate when people use pet names with me (Sweetie, Hun, Dearie), I don't think she was misjudging your age at all, nor do I think she was intentionally insulting you.  It's very common among younger women (not necessarily from the south) to call everyone pet names, even complete strangers.  I once let someone go in front of me at the bank (she was about my age) and she said, "Thanks, Hun!"  It's been a trend for a while now...and I absolutely abhor it.

I really don't hear it much here, and I do end up interacting with a lot of younger (i.e. late teens/early twenties) people on a fairly regular basis. I think that combination of factors, in addition to the fact that she seemed to think there was a better-than-average chance we'd want separate checks, is what made me think she was misjudging my age (since the older I get, the more likely people are to assume that the guy I'm eating with and I want one check).

It didn't bother me, because in the end, I don't really care. It definitely didn't offend me, either the term, the separate checks thing, or my impression that she thought I was younger than I am. It was just odd. Both my husband and I did a bit of a double take when she called me sweetie (as in, "did she really just call you sweetie? Weird."). So, not a big deal, but it did make my brain hurt a little at the time.

[Adelaide]

I broke my friend's brain the other day. I was griping about movies I personally find sappy and tedious, like The Notebook and The English Patient. Then Florence and the Machine came up on my iPhone and I started waxing poetic about her songs (which are all about death and/or soulmates) and basically crying over one of them, going "AHHH IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL" and going on and on about the lyrics. My friend just turned to me and said "It's like you're two different people inside. I don't even understand you."

[WolfWay]

I broke my friend's brain the other day. I was griping about movies I personally find sappy and tedious, like The Notebook and The English Patient. Then Florence and the Machine came up on my iPhone and I started waxing poetic about her songs (which are all about death and/or soulmates) and basically crying over one of them, going "AHHH IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL" and going on and on about the lyrics. My friend just turned to me and said "It's like you're two different people inside. I don't even understand you."

There's a difference between sappy tedious movies clinically constructed by committee with a paint-by-numbers formula to evoke an emotional reaction based on pushing the same set of buttons on what "generic sensitive female" will find "touching", and the gloriousness that is Florence (it feels so much more personal, genuine and strikingly original with her music).
 
(Yes I also HATE HATE HATE movies like the Notebook and English Patient and I also LOVE LOVE LOVE Florence).

[Adelaide]

I broke my friend's brain the other day. I was griping about movies I personally find sappy and tedious, like The Notebook and The English Patient. Then Florence and the Machine came up on my iPhone and I started waxing poetic about her songs (which are all about death and/or soulmates) and basically crying over one of them, going "AHHH IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL" and going on and on about the lyrics. My friend just turned to me and said "It's like you're two different people inside. I don't even understand you."

There's a difference between sappy tedious movies clinically constructed by committee with a paint-by-numbers formula to evoke an emotional reaction based on pushing the same set of buttons on what "generic sensitive female" will find "touching", and the gloriousness that is Florence (it feels so much more personal, genuine and strikingly original with her music).
 
(Yes I also HATE HATE HATE movies like the Notebook and English Patient and I also LOVE LOVE LOVE Florence).

That's very true. I wasn't able to explain it that well though. The best I could come up with was to say that movies "ruin" the magic of what you could feel by filling in the entirety of the story. With Florence there are no visuals to ruin things, it's just her glorious voice. (And the occasional cool music video.) It does feel more personal with music than it does with movies.

[LB]

I have one from work yesterday. I answer phones for part of the day and many of these calls are requests to make appointments with our providers. Usually, to make things go a little faster I will ask "Is there a particular day of the week you'd like an appointment, or would you just like Provider's next available opening?" Usually this prompts people to provide me with even more information that makes it easier and faster for me to find them an appointment. For example, many times people will respond "Oh, just the next available opening after 2 p.m." or "Any day except Tuesdays." Sometimes it doesn't, and people just respond "Oh, the next available opening, please." and then reject the first five appointments I offer them because of conflicts. This is fine too, I understand that sometimes you don't remember everything you have planned, or you don't expect me to only offer you appointments that won't work with your schedule. Eventually, we find something that works for everyone.

Yesterday I had a woman call and request to make an appointment with her provider.

To save me typing it every time, read all of her comments in the snottiest tone you can imagine. 
Me: Is there a particular day you'd like to schedule for, or would you just like his next available appointment?
Her: What is his NEXT appointment, please?
Me: His next opening is on Wednesday at 10.
Her: And the NEXT one?
Me: He has an opening on Thursday at 11.
Her: [Big sigh] And after THAT?
Me: His last opening this week is on Friday at 10.
Her: Okay, well you're just inching along. WHAT does he HAVE in the next couple of WEEKS?
Me: [Lists off several available openings over the next two weeks]
Her: Look, I'm trying to make an appointment. WHAT would you SUGGEST I do?
Me:  Well, if you can tell me a day and time that will work for you, I can see if he has an opening around then.
Her: Never mind. I'm going to hang up and do this a different way.

I still have NO IDEA what I was doing wrong!

[VorFemme]

I broke my friend's brain the other day. I was griping about movies I personally find sappy and tedious, like The Notebook and The English Patient. Then Florence and the Machine came up on my iPhone and I started waxing poetic about her songs (which are all about death and/or soulmates) and basically crying over one of them, going "AHHH IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL" and going on and on about the lyrics. My friend just turned to me and said "It's like you're two different people inside. I don't even understand you."

There's a difference between sappy tedious movies clinically constructed by committee with a paint-by-numbers formula to evoke an emotional reaction based on pushing the same set of buttons on what "generic sensitive female" will find "touching", and the gloriousness that is Florence (it feels so much more personal, genuine and strikingly original with her music).
 
(Yes I also HATE HATE HATE movies like the Notebook and English Patient and I also LOVE LOVE LOVE Florence).

That's very true. I wasn't able to explain it that well though. The best I could come up with was to say that movies "ruin" the magic of what you could feel by filling in the entirety of the story. With Florence there are no visuals to ruin things, it's just her glorious voice. (And the occasional cool music video.) It does feel more personal with music than it does with movies.

Same reason that I prefer "romance" to "erotica" - I fill in the vague mention of what's going on with what I would find "the most romantic whatever" at that time in my life.  My sixteen year old self, my newly wed self, my older & pregnant self, my thirty years old with a kid self, and my menopausal self had some of the same ideas (kissing & hugging) and some different ideas (sixteen year old didn't think having a foot rub would be at all romantic, then my pregnant self had swollen aching feet and realized that a foot rub could feel really, really good - even if it put you to sleep NOW you might wake up feeling "romantic" in the middle of the night - and believe me, pregnant women wake up in the middle of the night anyway....).

[mandycorn]

I have one from work yesterday. I answer phones for part of the day and many of these calls are requests to make appointments with our providers. Usually, to make things go a little faster I will ask "Is there a particular day of the week you'd like an appointment, or would you just like Provider's next available opening?" Usually this prompts people to provide me with even more information that makes it easier and faster for me to find them an appointment. For example, many times people will respond "Oh, just the next available opening after 2 p.m." or "Any day except Tuesdays." Sometimes it doesn't, and people just respond "Oh, the next available opening, please." and then reject the first five appointments I offer them because of conflicts. This is fine too, I understand that sometimes you don't remember everything you have planned, or you don't expect me to only offer you appointments that won't work with your schedule. Eventually, we find something that works for everyone.

Yesterday I had a woman call and request to make an appointment with her provider.

To save me typing it every time, read all of her comments in the snottiest tone you can imagine. 
Me: Is there a particular day you'd like to schedule for, or would you just like his next available appointment?
Her: What is his NEXT appointment, please?
Me: His next opening is on Wednesday at 10.
Her: And the NEXT one?
Me: He has an opening on Thursday at 11.
Her: [Big sigh] And after THAT?
Me: His last opening this week is on Friday at 10.
Her: Okay, well you're just inching along. WHAT does he HAVE in the next couple of WEEKS?
Me: [Lists off several available openings over the next two weeks]
Her: Look, I'm trying to make an appointment. WHAT would you SUGGEST I do?
Me:  Well, if you can tell me a day and time that will work for you, I can see if he has an opening around then.
Her: Never mind. I'm going to hang up and do this a different way.

I still have NO IDEA what I was doing wrong!

I don't know what she wanted you to do differently, sounds like you were doing the normal thing. Mostly I just wanted to say that in general I absolutely hate that this is the way everybody has to make appointments.

I never know what to ask for or how to get them to tell me what is available and then I never know how much of my availability to share without going overboard into crazy-oversharer territory. In a perfect world, everybody's appointment calendar would be available online so I could look and see what works with my schedule and then call to request a specific slot.