Exchanges with People that Make Your Brain Hurt

[Tea Drinker]

In regard to the Oakland/Auckland mix up, I can see how this could happen.

If it is the flight I think it is, when you get off the London to California plane, anyone going on to Auckland used to be shuffled into a transit lounge (with a dedicated immigration official).  They do check tickets getting back on but I suspect that may be as a result of this incident.  The staff letting you onto the plane know that the people involved haven't set foot outside a locked room so they might not be as careful as they could be.

It's left to the lounge, right to general immigration.

Of course, last time I flew that route they let us out into the body of the airport so tickets were checked at the gate.

Passports wouldn't have been checked after he cleared US immigration because he would have had to have one to either get past check in or get on the plane from London.

Why he'd think enough people travelling from London were going to Oakland that they all needed a dedicated lounge and a massive intercontinental plane is another issue.

I'd put it down to fatigue and jet lag (especially if he's one of us unfortunate people who can't sleep on long flights, even if it's night by our body clocks). Half-asleep and knowing he had a connecting flight, it's plausible that someone would hear something that sounded like "Oakland" and just follow people onto the next plane.

[Lady Snowdon]

My brain got broken (possibly permanently) at work this afternoon. 

Male Coworker (MC) sent out an email saying he was going to be out Monday and possibly Tuesday.  Annoying Coworker (AC) asked why and he said his grandmother had died.  The rest of us said, "Oh, that's too bad.  I'm sorry to hear that" types of phrases.  AC said, "oh that's too bad", paused for a moment and then said, "Was she very old then?"    MC said, "Yeah, she was kind of old, she's had Alzheimer's for awhile".  AC said, "Oh, well it was for the best, if she had that". 

*pause* 

AC brightly says, "So how old are your parents?".  MC sounds kind of stunned, but answers.  AC continues to grill MC about his parents, any siblings he has, any siblings his parents have, who will be at the funeral, does he know who the executor of the estate is, and on and on and on.  Most of us by the end were just sitting with dropped jaws!  MC finally got away by just standing up and leaving.  AC works for an additional hour beyond when MC leaves, so couldn't follow him out, but looked very disappointed that her inquisition had to end. 

Now I know who not to answer questions from in the future!  And seriously, who thinks it's okay to grill someone about their family when they've just told you a family member has died?

[Piratelvr1121]

My brain got broken (possibly permanently) at work this afternoon. 

Male Coworker (MC) sent out an email saying he was going to be out Monday and possibly Tuesday.  Annoying Coworker (AC) asked why and he said his grandmother had died.  The rest of us said, "Oh, that's too bad.  I'm sorry to hear that" types of phrases.  AC said, "oh that's too bad", paused for a moment and then said, "Was she very old then?"    MC said, "Yeah, she was kind of old, she's had Alzheimer's for awhile".  AC said, "Oh, well it was for the best, if she had that". 

*pause* 

Having had a grandmother who suffered from Alzheimer's, I can understand that comment.  The disease only gets worse as it progresses and it's awful to watch someone you love go through that.  When we finally let her go it was after she contracted pneumonia and medicine wasn't doing anything for her.  An uncle said he usually asks the family of patients dealing with illnesses like that one "Would this person be happy to see themselves this way?" Grandma really would have hated to see herself like this and so we knew it was time to let her go.

Though he didn't quite phrase it in the best way, did he?

[amandaelizabeth]

Unfortunately he was flying from LA to Oakland, and could not tell Immigration here how he managed without a passport or boarding pass.  This was before 9/11 though.

I have gone to get on a plane from LA to Auckland, and had the sky cap query why we need international departures.  To the NZ ear there is a distinct difference between Auckland and Oakland but perhaps you need a kiwi accent to pull it off.

[gramma dishes]

...   

AC brightly says, "So how old are your parents?".  MC sounds kind of stunned, but answers.  AC continues to grill MC about his parents, any siblings he has, any siblings his parents have, who will be at the funeral, does he know who the executor of the estate is, and on and on and on.  ...

I kind of agree with Piratelvr1121 above about the Alzheimer's thing.  Although your CW phrased it incredibly clumsily, his point has a certain validity.

However the rest of the inquisition was just way over the top.  What business is it of his how old anyone's parents are or who will be at the funeral?  And it most CERTAINLY is none of his business who the executor of the estate may be!!  Good grief!

[Mental Magpie]

...   

AC brightly says, "So how old are your parents?".  MC sounds kind of stunned, but answers.  AC continues to grill MC about his parents, any siblings he has, any siblings his parents have, who will be at the funeral, does he know who the executor of the estate is, and on and on and on.  ...

I kind of agree with Piratelvr1121 above about the Alzheimer's thing.  Although your CW phrased it incredibly clumsily, his point has a certain validity.

However the rest of the inquisition was just way over the top.  What business is it of his how old anyone's parents are or who will be at the funeral?  And it most CERTAINLY is none of his business who the executor of the estate may be!!  Good grief!

Phrase it right?  How about just not saying it at all?



I understand what you're both saying, but there is no right way to phrase that after just learning someone's loved one died, just no right way at all.  It is better left unsaid.

[gramma dishes]

...   

AC brightly says, "So how old are your parents?".  MC sounds kind of stunned, but answers.  AC continues to grill MC about his parents, any siblings he has, any siblings his parents have, who will be at the funeral, does he know who the executor of the estate is, and on and on and on.  ...

I kind of agree with Piratelvr1121 above about the Alzheimer's thing.  Although your CW phrased it incredibly clumsily, his point has a certain validity.

However the rest of the inquisition was just way over the top.  What business is it of his how old anyone's parents are or who will be at the funeral?  And it most CERTAINLY is none of his business who the executor of the estate may be!!  Good grief!

Phrase it right?  How about just not saying it at all?



I understand what you're both saying, but there is no right way to phrase that after just learning someone's loved one died, just no right way at all.  It is better left unsaid.

Agreed. Ideally nothing should have been said at all beyond the words "I'm sorry."

[Library Dragon]

Unfortunately he was flying from LA to Oakland, and could not tell Immigration here how he managed without a passport or boarding pass. 

It almost happened domestically to one flyer on a flight a few years ago.  I had to make a made 5 minute dash to change planes in a large southern airport.  When I arrived at the gate there was no one there but the door was open.  This was not a walk way that attatched to the plane, but where you go outside and there are three walkways to different planes.  I get a gate agents attention and she visually checks my boarding pass.

I boarded the plane and quickly sat down near the front.  The flight attendant checked our boarding passes and announced three times over the speaker, "This is the flight to MyAirport.  Everyone is going to MyAirport?" I nod and say how happy I am to make the plane.  We taxi out to the runway and the attended says over the speaker, "We are now leaving for MyAirport."

A voice comes from the back, "MyAirport!  I'm not going to MyAirport." We taxi back and are delayed because we have used enough fuel to require refueling. 

[Minmom3]

...   

AC brightly says, "So how old are your parents?".  MC sounds kind of stunned, but answers.  AC continues to grill MC about his parents, any siblings he has, any siblings his parents have, who will be at the funeral, does he know who the executor of the estate is, and on and on and on.  ...

I kind of agree with Piratelvr1121 above about the Alzheimer's thing.  Although your CW phrased it incredibly clumsily, his point has a certain validity.

However the rest of the inquisition was just way over the top.  What business is it of his how old anyone's parents are or who will be at the funeral?  And it most CERTAINLY is none of his business who the executor of the estate may be!!  Good grief!

Yes, the POINT is valid, but SAYING it to the person's grandchild has NONE!  It will be a relief when my own mother goes, as her confusion is mounting rapidly, but NOBODY but 2 besties and family had best SAY that to me.  Certainly nobody I work with....   

[Piratelvr1121]

I had a coworker make that point to me, but in a gentler way, when my grandma was dying.  I was upset about it and she said "Well one way to look at it is that she won't be suffering anymore." She told me of how her grandfather had Parkinson's, another one of those illnesses where you just get worse as time goes on.  She said it was a relief to see him go. 

It helped but again, she phrased it better than that guy did.

[Jocelyn]

I had a coworker make that point to me, but in a gentler way, when my grandma was dying.  I was upset about it and she said "Well one way to look at it is that she won't be suffering anymore." She told me of how her grandfather had Parkinson's, another one of those illnesses where you just get worse as time goes on.  She said it was a relief to see him go. 

It helped but again, she phrased it better than that guy did.

I'm glad you found it a comforting comment, but really, I think you'd have to know someone exceedingly well, to know if they were ready to see a death as a blessing. If a person is sorrowful about a loss, they may not be ready to see it as anything but a loss, and this could come off as 'Cheer up! It's not so bad!'

[gramma dishes]

I had a coworker make that point to me, but in a gentler way, when my grandma was dying.  I was upset about it and she said "Well one way to look at it is that she won't be suffering anymore." She told me of how her grandfather had Parkinson's, another one of those illnesses where you just get worse as time goes on.  She said it was a relief to see him go. 

It helped but again, she phrased it better than that guy did.

My father didn't technically have Alzheimer's but he did have profound memory loss from another cause.  He also had several physical things wrong with him.  I loved that man to pieces (and was always quite a Daddy's girl) but when his body finally passed away (years after the man who had lived inside already had) I was honestly relieved.  I think the first word out of my mouth when my brother called to tell me he had passed away was "good".  He'd been through so much and he would have hated 'living' the way he was.

[Piratelvr1121]

I had a coworker make that point to me, but in a gentler way, when my grandma was dying.  I was upset about it and she said "Well one way to look at it is that she won't be suffering anymore." She told me of how her grandfather had Parkinson's, another one of those illnesses where you just get worse as time goes on.  She said it was a relief to see him go. 

It helped but again, she phrased it better than that guy did.

I'm glad you found it a comforting comment, but really, I think you'd have to know someone exceedingly well, to know if they were ready to see a death as a blessing. If a person is sorrowful about a loss, they may not be ready to see it as anything but a loss, and this could come off as 'Cheer up! It's not so bad!'

I guess.  This girl and I didn't really know each other that well but I didn't really take it that way, especially since she told me about her own grandfather it was clear that she understood the feeling of knowing you'll miss the person dearly but not wanting to see them suffer anymore.  And her tone was sympathetic more than "Cheer up, it's not so bad!"

Though another coworker at the same place...ugh...earlier that year my dad told me that Grandma was found wandering the halls of her assisted living calling out for Grandpa who had passed 4 years earlier.  She was scared and couldn't find him and had forgotten he'd passed away.  That already had me sad as it was and this coworker asked me what's wrong (I should never, ever play poker) and I told her.

She said "You know, a lot of people see their already deceased loved ones right before they die..." That comment bothered me even more!!

[VorFemme]

Texas is 268,580 square miles. There is a reason we measure distance in time.




You could fit DC and the smallest 13 states in Texas and still have about 34,434 square miles left over. If Texas was a independent country today it would be about the rank around 76 largest.


My boss at the museum came from back east. One day he decided to drive and see Eden, Texas a small town outside of San Angelo. He thought it would take 10 - 15 min - and ended up thinking he had driven into the Twilight Zone with the same scenery going on a loop for ever - and Eden is only 45 min away.


Another time we were all going to an see a museum in Amarillo for a meeting. Every native born Texan showed up with a cooler of drinks for the van - just in case. He got that it was a 4 hour drive there and 4 hours back - but not just how lonely US 84 was going to be. Especially if something happened between towns. Given the timing deer were a big hazard both ways.

We sold a car to a small town preacher from a nearby "village" while living in San Angelo.  They picked it up two days later with a comment that their college aged DD was going to wait on getting "her" car taken to where she was going to school.  Mom was a nurse on the night shift and had run into a deer the night before on her way home....the car was being seen by their insurance adjuster to see if it was getting repaired or replaced....

Speaking of small town life, I drove out to the small town to cash the check and the teller was going to call "The Preacher" first...when the banker in shirt sleeves told her to just cash, the preacher had mentioned the purchase to him at church the night before...

[Sara Crewe]

Unfortunately he was flying from LA to Oakland, and could not tell Immigration here how he managed without a passport or boarding pass.  This was before 9/11 though.

I have gone to get on a plane from LA to Auckland, and had the sky cap query why we need international departures.  To the NZ ear there is a distinct difference between Auckland and Oakland but perhaps you need a kiwi accent to pull it off.

He must have had a passport since he had already flown from the UK to LA - as for the boarding pass, if you are in transit, in the past when people didn't go into the body of the airport, I can see the staff not noticing that the boarding pass was only for the Heathrow/LA leg and not for the whole trip (you only get one pass and have to re-present it on re-boarding).  If it's in the right format and shows the correct starting airport (Heathrow), the attendants are trying to board several hundred people and it probably slipped past.