Author Topic: Secret Admirer - What should I do?  (Read 9098 times)

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TurtleDove

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Re: Secret Admirer - What should I do?
« Reply #15 on: December 26, 2011, 04:21:30 PM »
I have heard that this is quite common -  it seems a lot of married men hit on the new widow.  Thinking, I suppose, that she is sexually frustrated and needs some "lovin."  And he is just the man to provide it...ewwww

I can confirm this is my experience.  Both married/taken men and single ones.

Nora

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Re: Secret Admirer - What should I do?
« Reply #16 on: December 26, 2011, 04:54:19 PM »
I have heard that this is quite common -  it seems a lot of married men hit on the new widow.  Thinking, I suppose, that she is sexually frustrated and needs some "lovin."  And he is just the man to provide it...ewwww

I can confirm this is my experience.  Both married/taken men and single ones.

That depresses me.
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Twik

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Re: Secret Admirer - What should I do?
« Reply #17 on: December 26, 2011, 10:49:28 PM »
I hope that the reason is not crassness in every man who tries. I think a lot of men are subconsciously attracted to the role of rescuer, and who needs emotional rescuing more than a heartbroken widow? The fact that starting a romantic entanglement may result in more pain in the long run never stopped someone acting on an impulse routed in their own subconscious.
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TurtleDove

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Re: Secret Admirer - What should I do?
« Reply #18 on: December 26, 2011, 11:05:00 PM »
I think a lot of men are subconsciously attracted to the role of rescuer, and who needs emotional rescuing more than a heartbroken widow?

Yes.  I think some have impure motives, others really want to be comforting and truly want to see whether there is anything between us.  My BF was very careful to be sure that I was comfortable with everything, and very clear that he was not looking for a fling or a medal for saving the widow.

MrTango

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Re: Secret Admirer - What should I do?
« Reply #19 on: December 27, 2011, 09:24:57 AM »
My suggestion would be to thank your BF for the flowers.  Hopefully, if he asks "what flowers?" you'll be able to tell if he's being playful or if he seriously doesn't know about them.

LadyClaire

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Re: Secret Admirer - What should I do?
« Reply #20 on: December 29, 2011, 04:07:36 PM »
   Ignore the hand writting, it was likely written by the person who took the flower order.



Yes, don't pay any attention to the hand writting. If the flowers were ordered by phone or internet, the card is written by someone at the Florist shop. When we were first engaged, my to be IL sent flowers. I could understand misspelling my name, but their son's very easy name was misspelled as were several of the words, like congratulations.

I would simply tell your boyfriend about them. Perhaps he did send them. But if he didn't, he should still know in case anything more creepy happens.

My sister got flowers from our grandparents for her birthday one year. When they arrived, the card said "From Nene and Pepe". It was supposed to be "From Nene and Dede"...so yeah, the cards are not always accurate in spelling.

LadyClaire

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Re: Secret Admirer - What should I do?
« Reply #21 on: December 29, 2011, 04:10:51 PM »
I didn't mean rock the boat in the sense of he would blame me for it, just that it is awkward to have gorgeous roses of unknown origin and I would have preferred to not have to deal with this. My BF is mature and not jealous - he is well aware of the interest in me from various avenues and is not insecure, which I love.  Apparently a youngish widow is somewhat fetishized!

I will tell him in a "you would never guess what happened - weird and I am freaked out!" kinda way.

 The implications are just....ewwwwwwww.  "Haha!  This woman is emotionally vulnerable and more likely to respond to my overtures.  I want her now, so I am going after her!  She will not resist my charms, because she's vulnerable and stuff!"

Excuse me while I go scrub my brain.  Ugh.


This happened to a friend of mine.  She was a young widow and received A LOT of unwanted overtures.  Men she didn't even know at all called her on the phone.  Apparently there are weirdos who scan the obituaries - too creepy.  Also her late husbands "friends" flocked around her like flies.
I have heard that this is quite common -  it seems a lot of married men hit on the new widow.  Thinking, I suppose, that she is sexually frustrated and needs some "lovin."  And he is just the man to provide it...ewwww

Yep..it is very common. Heck, that's how Elizabeth Taylor and husband #4, Eddie Fisher got together. He was a family friend who comforted her after the death of husband #3. Eddie Fisher was married to Debbie Reynolds at the time and started an affair with the freshly widowed Elizabeth.

Reason

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Re: Secret Admirer - What should I do?
« Reply #22 on: December 30, 2011, 11:15:28 AM »
Sorry for your loss.

Why the man bashing though? If a friend of mine lost her husband I would most certainly show up and pay my respects as well as ask if there is anything I can do or how I can help. That would certainly not be flocking to the widow like a fly, or fetishizing the widow in any way. It's just the right thing to do.

I think a lot of men would actually be concerned about approaching a widow romantically rather than finding her vulnerable. More likely than not, her heart and mind still belong to the deceased.

The flowers are admittedly very odd under the circumstances especially with no name attached. I can somewhat understand sending flowers and a card to express condolences, but such a delivery would obviously need to have a name to go along with it. I would not keep them actually. The best way not to rock the boat is to either re-gift them or put them in the trash. Provided that that's done, mentioning it will have no effect on the relationship.

TurtleDove

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Re: Secret Admirer - What should I do?
« Reply #23 on: December 30, 2011, 11:43:04 AM »
Why the man bashing though? If a friend of mine lost her husband I would most certainly show up and pay my respects as well as ask if there is anything I can do or how I can help. That would certainly not be flocking to the widow like a fly, or fetishizing the widow in any way. It's just the right thing to do.

I haven't engaged in any man bashing?  But to clarify, my husband was 28, as are many of his friends.  They straight up have been calling and facebooking me and texting me, probably drunk, asking to come over to play Scrabble.  Repeatedly.  What you describe is something different entirely.

Reason

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Re: Secret Admirer - What should I do?
« Reply #24 on: December 30, 2011, 12:07:07 PM »
Sorry Turtle dove, I didn't mean you specifically were man bashing. A few comments in this thread are, none of them yours.

Calling you while drunk to play scrabble so soon after the death of your husband, or at all actually, would be grounds for a cut direct I think. Odd that there are so many people who would actually lack the common sense to stop them from actually doing that. Makes me sad.

DollyPond

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Re: Secret Admirer - What should I do?
« Reply #25 on: December 31, 2011, 09:55:44 AM »
Why the man bashing though? If a friend of mine lost her husband I would most certainly show up and pay my respects as well as ask if there is anything I can do or how I can help. That would certainly not be flocking to the widow like a fly, or fetishizing the widow in any way. It's just the right thing to do.

I haven't engaged in any man bashing?  But to clarify, my husband was 28, as are many of his friends.  They straight up have been calling and facebooking me and texting me, probably drunk, asking to come over to play Scrabble.  Repeatedly.  What you describe is something different entirely.

The situation with my friend also involved solicitations for Scrabble and not genuine concern or comforting.  I would also not be surprised if widowers faced the same situation from women.

strawbabies

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Re: Secret Admirer - What should I do?
« Reply #26 on: January 01, 2012, 12:54:29 PM »
Yep..it is very common. Heck, that's how Elizabeth Taylor and husband #4, Eddie Fisher got together. He was a family friend who comforted her after the death of husband #3. Eddie Fisher was married to Debbie Reynolds at the time and started an affair with the freshly widowed Elizabeth.
And yet, Eddie Fisher never could understand why his children with Debbie Reynolds hate him. 

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Secret Admirer - What should I do?
« Reply #27 on: January 02, 2012, 07:01:01 AM »
I hope that the reason is not crassness in every man who tries. I think a lot of men are subconsciously attracted to the role of rescuer, and who needs emotional rescuing more than a heartbroken widow? The fact that starting a romantic entanglement may result in more pain in the long run never stopped someone acting on an impulse routed in their own subconscious.

I agree with this. I read somewhere that after 9/11, there were several policemen and firemen who left their own wives, in order to be with the widows of people who'd died. I've wondered if their decision to do this stemmed less from a genuine romantic connection, and more from a need to "rescue" the widows of the men who they were not able to rescue.

On topic - I think it's fine to ask your friends and acquaintances if they know who sent the flowers. I do think it's rather off-putting, and rather inconsiderate, to send anonymous flowers to someone. Why not have the guts to sign your name to the card? Why keep the poor person guessing? Also, the fact that it was red roses hints at romantic intentions, rather than "I really admire how you've overcome hardship" frame of mind, etc.
 

Redneck Gravy

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Re: Secret Admirer - What should I do?
« Reply #28 on: January 03, 2012, 04:16:24 PM »
No male bashing here or female either, but I believe it is a common phenomenon for widows/widowers to be suddenly overwhelmed with visitors of the opposite gender (with or without Scrabble in mind).

I think anonymous flowers are just creepy.

TurtleDove

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Re: Secret Admirer - What should I do?
« Reply #29 on: January 03, 2012, 04:18:00 PM »
I threw the flowers away - they died.  I still have no idea who sent them.