No presents for Mommy! (update, p. 3)

[TootsNYC]

My son didn't get me a Christmas present. I'm kinda bummed!

This has been a funny Christmas for me, emotionally. I'm a good place after last year's really bad place. And I realized this morning, just before present-opening (we do "nuclear family Boxing Day"), that I was feeling a bit like a kid--"how many presents for me?" "what will I get for Christmas?"

Of course, I also knew that I would have far fewer presents than the kids, bcs I buy lots of presents. Often silly stuff (like cereal, or their favorite candy), but lots to open.

So I reminded myself not to be immature and went to sit down and open presents. And in about two sentences, it became clear that my 14yo son hadn't chosen or purchased a present for me. And his dad, who took him on his 2nd shopping trip (I took him on the first one), could or should have known that this was his only opportunity to get a present for me.

So now I'm disappointed for real.

How rude was he? How rude was Dad?

And what sort of guilt trip am I justified in laying on DS? on DH?

[Vilandra]

My son didn't get me a Christmas present. I'm kinda bummed!

This has been a funny Christmas for me, emotionally. I'm a good place after last year's really bad place. And I realized this morning, just before present-opening (we do "nuclear family Boxing Day"), that I was feeling a bit like a kid--"how many presents for me?" "what will I get for Christmas?"

Of course, I also knew that I would have far fewer presents than the kids, bcs I buy lots of presents. Often silly stuff (like cereal, or their favorite candy), but lots to open.

So I reminded myself not to be immature and went to sit down and open presents. And in about two sentences, it became clear that my 14yo son hadn't chosen or purchased a present for me. And his dad, who took him on his 2nd shopping trip (I took him on the first one), could or should have known that this was his only opportunity to get a present for me.

So now I'm disappointed for real.

How rude was he? How rude was Dad?

And what sort of guilt trip am I justified in laying on DS? on DH?

Does your DS have a source of income (job, allowance, etc...) and a form of transportation to get a gift?  That plays a big part in my opinion.  If he doesn't have his own money and/or a way to purchase a gift, he's in a rough spot.  Otherwise, I think you're completely justified.  I wouldn't be PA about it (not suggesting you would be), but let him know that you were hurt that he didn't have a gift for you, and in your family the expectation is that you exchange gifts.  I think having that talk is part of your job as a parent.

But your DH?  Ooooh boy, I'd be ticked off at him if I were you.  It is also part of *his* job as a parent to ensure that the kids get gifts, if that is your family's custom (totally normal, my parents did that for us).

[NyaChan]

Did DH get a present from DS?  Do you usually receive a gift from DS?

I don't know that laying a guilt trip is going to be effective - you didn't want a material thing, you wanted the thought and sentiment behind your son picking out a gift for you and that won't come if he only does it to make the guilt trip stop.  I think you might ask DH privately if a gift for you ever came up or express some surprise at receiving no gift if you typically do receive one just to get an idea of what happened.  If you really want to talk to your son about it, I think a general comment that "You know, it kind of hurt my feelings that you didn't exchange a gift with me this past Christmas.  It'd be nice you include your father and I on your Christmas shopping list."

As for DH - if he is typically responsible for making sure that DS gets you a gift, I'd remind him of that and ask why he neglected to do so this year.  I would include that it hurt your feelings, but again, I don't think a guilt trip is a good idea.

ETA:  If you are the only one in the family who ends up with a small number of gifts or no gifts while everyone else has a bunch, I'd have a quick family discussion and point out that Mom may do a lot of the shopping, but she also deserves that her family be considerate of her as well. 

[TootsNYC]

good questions!

DS has money. He doesn't have hardly any free time, however, and he's not that savvy in terms of going places on his own.

The expectation has been, through this year, that we fund his shopping AND we take him on the expedition.

There was the family plan from the beginning of the shopping season that I'd take him to buy a bunch of presents, including Dad's, and Dad would take him out to get the stragglers and mine.

(and yeah, the guilt trip isn't going to be that effective. DS reacts badly to them. It was mostly a quip on my part)

[kareng57]

I wouldn't say anything to either your son or your husband.

I always taught my kids that gifts should never be expected.  If your son and Dh realize after-the-fact that they didn't get you anything, even when they meant to (perhaps they forgot) then I'm sure that you would graciously accept a gift even after the 25th.

[Shoo]

I don't know.  I sort of think your son needs to learn a lesson from this.  Namely, that (in)actions can have hurtful consequences.  And your husband needs to learn the same thing.  I don't think I could let this go.  Something needs to be said, and I think it's to both of them, separately.

[baglady]

When you took him shopping, did he show or tell you what he bought? Did you ask him, either "So what did you get for Dad/This One/That One/Other One," or "Did you get something for Dad/et al?"

Not saying you *should* have done this, just wondering how closely you and DH are monitoring his shopping. If you aren't, then it's easy for something to slip through the cracks (yes, even a gift for Mom).

I remember being that age, wanting to be grown-up and choose and buy my own gifts but having limited funds and having to rely on adults for transportation. I would have resented the "what did you get for Whozis" and "did you remember Whozis" questions, because even if I had to be driven to the mall like a kid, I wanted to be treated like an adult when it came to the actual shopping, and not grilled on what I bought/whom I bought for.

Maybe he forgot and was hoping you wouldn't notice. Maybe he changed his mind about his choice and was planning to get you something else. Maybe he was going to make you something and ran out of time. I would give him a few more days and see what happens. Then maybe say something to DH, but not DS, because it *is* rude to demand a gift, but it's not rude to vent one's disappointment to a loved one.

[felix]

I'm not sure I would say anything to your son.  I would mention something to your husband. 

This year I decided I had enough of having only one [or none] present to open so "Santa" brought mommy a few extra ones.  It turned out nice and I loved everything I got 

[Sophia]

I don't think it would be possible for me to NOT say something.  Son is old enough.  I would tell him how I felt.

[Bijou]

I would say nothing to DS, but would let his dad know that he dropped the ball.  Didn't they have a list of people to buy for?  I would be missing people right and left if I didn't keep one.  There is just so much going on during this season that to trust to your memory is risky, at best.  It would break my heart to miss someone.

[AlwaysQuizzical]

I think you should tell your son that what he did hurt your feelings. You thought of him for Christmas, but he did not think of you. If he isn't told, he may not know that it matters to you that he shows he cares for you.

[AlwaysQuizzical]

Also, it depends on how you tell him, but telling someone that your feelings were hurt isn't necessarily a guilt trip. If you aren't trying to force an apology or present from him, but simply stating how you feel. I'll leave it to others, or you, to come up with the exact wording, but just know you can.

[Winterlight]

Dad dropped the ball, and so did son. And yeah, that would sting.

[NyaChan]

With the update, I'd say you should definitely have a chat with DH.  You both took him out shopping with the understanding that DS would use the opportunity to buy the other a gift.  You held up your end and DH didn't.  It wouldn't have been a big deal for a father to look at the shopping cart and ask, "hey what are you getting for your mom? you probably won't get another chance to shop without her you know."  DH should have intervened during that trip just as I figure you probably would have if you noted that DS hadn't picked out anything for DH when you took him shopping.

[sevenday]

If your son at 14 didn't remember to get you a present, and didn't notice at gift-opening time that he'd forgotten you - go to the DH and tell him how hurt you're feeling.  It's not your DH's direct fault that  your son didn't get anything, but he can take the opportunity to take DS back out and find an apology gift for you.

I know what it feels like to give thoughtful things and get nothing.  For several years I've given my older brother some pretty cool things, including a handmade chess set - and haven't gotten anything.  He has an endless list of excuses for why he couldn't afford to buy any presents at all.  I try not to resent it, but -- in the end you kind of do, when everyone else is opening things and you have one small thing in your hands the whole day.