UPDATE FROM THE ORIGINAL POSTERToots... I'd ask your DH about it first. In our family, the norm has always been that the kids pick a present for each of us, with the opposite parent assisting with the logistics of purchasing. This is the first year I couldn't get my 15 yr old son involved in the decision/selecting process. So though there were presents under the tree from him to me, my DH, and my DD, we all knew he hadn't really engaged at all in the process except for the wrapping for his sister's and his Dad's gift which I insisted that he did. I told him next year that if he doesn't want to engaged in the gift giving process, that would be his choice. We'd stil give him presents but wouldn't expect to open anything from him as it just seemed so silly to be opening a present with his name that we all knew he hadn't been involved in purchasing.
Did you have a hard time getting him to select something for your DH?
This is very relevant. This is what DS was like this year--detached. His mind on something else. He had no ideas, or very few. He just seemed to be acting as though he was only being "toted along" on the whole gift-giving process.
Then, now and then, while the two of us were out, he came up with some. Or saw a wine-bottle stopper and said, "Oh, for Grandpa" (who makes his own wine, and drinks a lot of wine, so a very very good present).
I think we've been doing things for him way too much, and this is another problem, I think.
The "you didn't get a gift for your MOM!?!?" came up right at the moment, and he hung his head. And last night he came to sit by me w/ his Nintendo DS, sort of "parallel play"--I think he was seeking reassurance that he was still loved.
So I quietly asked him if he understood how I feel. And he was actually right on the money and it seemed like he got the idea pretty well, actually. He even said, "you feel like I don't listen to you." Bingo!
And I also pointed out that he himself had been very focused on "what am I getting?" and "what did you get me?" And that when he then didn't get anything for me, and didn't get anything for his grandmother or great aunt, who always remember him, and when I had to pry ideas out of him or push him into being enthusiastic about it, it doesn't make him look good. It makes him look sort of selfish and greedy.
He did say a couple of times, "I'm lazy." And I said, "sweetie, you can control that. It's up to you."
But I also pointed out that he needs to find a place to write gift ideas down, and to start listening with an eye toward gift ideas.
And then I let it drop--lectures don't work.
We did point out that there will be another gift-exchanging session later, because one of his sister's gifts didn't arrive. So he'll have a second chance.
RE: the question of big gifts:
I did get a big gift, so that is part of the reason why I didn't get very many gifts--my husband bought me my yearly piece of jewelry, so there weren't littler gifts from him.
(Oh, I also pointed out this year, "it's a sad thing when you have to fill your own stocking." And I said, "When i was a kid, we put stuff in my parents' stockings.")
