No presents for Mommy! (update, p. 3)

[Isisnin]

{{{HUGS}}}

Kick DH's derriere to make him kick DS's derriere.  At least the derriere kicking will be a bit of a present for you!

Stepping back to be dispassionate, agree with the others that this is an important lesson for DS.  Gift giving is an important part of society.  If DS does not follow the etiquette of gift giving, it'll adversely impact his personal and professional lives.

It could be an age thing too.  My mother announced one year that our Dad could not help us in anyway with our gift giving to her for her birthday.  For my older sister and I (abt 18 and 19), that was no change, we had been doing it ourselves for years.  But for my abt 14 yr old sister, she was on her own for the first time.  After all the presents were opened and none were from her, the whole family turned and looked at her.  she at least looked uncomfortable. 

Now back to the passionate derriere kicking! 

[NyaChan]

Nice Update   sounds like you got the opportunity to get across to DS how it can hurt people to be left out and also how it makes him look to care only about receiving.  You sound like a really fair & reasonable mom (coming from someone who has been on the receiving end of many a loud lecture hehe).  Fingers crossed for you!

[Searcher]

Sounds like a good update.  It seems to have penetrated that his omission was hurtful and that being "lazy" doesn't work and it's something he has to work on.

Good luck for the future!

[Hmmmmm]

Toots, I'm glad your son and you had a chance to discuss.  I think my DS is still a little embarrassed about how selfish he'd been this year.  But last night he was a lot more engaged in family acitivities than he'd been in the last 2 weeks. 

[TootsNYC]

Pame, I liked your point that you made to your DS: "You decide whether to participate."

But I have to say, if my kid decided not to participate, I'd probably dial WAY back on the gifts. He'd get one, maybe, instead of 5 or 6.

(these gifts tend to be things I'd probably have to buy him anyway, like a book to read for school, since the library doesn't work well, or clothes, or shampoo.)

But I think that would be a sensible way to show the consequences of it.

[Bijou]

I'm confused by Toots update post.  I don't see anything about anyone saying anything to the son about not getting his mom a gift.  Is there a missing post?

[Hmmmmm]

Pame, I liked your point that you made to your DS: "You decide whether to participate."

But I have to say, if my kid decided not to participate, I'd probably dial WAY back on the gifts. He'd get one, maybe, instead of 5 or 6.

(these gifts tend to be things I'd probably have to buy him anyway, like a book to read for school, since the library doesn't work well, or clothes, or shampoo.)

But I think that would be a sensible way to show the consequences of it.

Toots, that was my initial thought too.  But part of me would rather that he feel the consequence of being left out when we are telling each other how much we liked what the other family members had given us and we have nothing to say to him.  But maybe I'm being a little naive that he'd even notice.  I'm keeping my finger's crossed that he'll be out of this funk next year.  Birthday's aren't a test because we have a tradition that the kids "do" something for the parent's birthday versus buy us something. 

[TootsNYC]

I'm confused by Toots update post.  I don't see anything about anyone saying anything to the son about not getting his mom a gift.  Is there a missing post?

The "you didn't get a gift for your MOM!?!?" came up right at the moment, and he hung his head.

. . .

So I quietly asked him if he understood how I feel. And he was actually right on the money and it seemed like he got the idea pretty well, actually. He even said, "you feel like I don't listen to you." Bingo!

And I also pointed out that he himself had been very focused on "what am I getting?" and "what did you get me?" And that when he then didn't get anything for me, and didn't get anything for his grandmother or great aunt, who always remember him, and when I had to pry ideas out of him or push him into being enthusiastic about it, it doesn't make him look good. It makes him look sort of selfish and greedy.

I thought this seemed pretty clear.

Were you looking for an update that said I scolded him, or that his dad landed on him?

Sorry, that's not going to happen. Because:

And then I let it drop--lectures don't work.

[frogonmytoe]

I think it was confusing because you just say "came up right at the moment" - doesn't explain who said "you didn't get a gift for your MOM!?!?" or how the topic came up.

I firmly believe that one reason so many women complain about their husbands' failures at Christmas and birthdays is because they were never taught when they were children that they have a responsibility toward others. They grow up in environments in which Mommy is 100% responsible for all holiday activities, including gift-giving.  So they never learn how to behave.

Totally agree. My grandmother passed away, and for the past three years my own father has forgotten my birthday. It's not even the presents that matter of course, but no phone call or acknowledgement at all. I stopped getting him gifts (which he won't even say thank you for) and just calling on his birthday.

[Bijou]

I'm confused by Toots update post.  I don't see anything about anyone saying anything to the son about not getting his mom a gift.  Is there a missing post?

The "you didn't get a gift for your MOM!?!?" came up right at the moment, and he hung his head.

. . .

So I quietly asked him if he understood how I feel. And he was actually right on the money and it seemed like he got the idea pretty well, actually. He even said, "you feel like I don't listen to you." Bingo!

And I also pointed out that he himself had been very focused on "what am I getting?" and "what did you get me?" And that when he then didn't get anything for me, and didn't get anything for his grandmother or great aunt, who always remember him, and when I had to pry ideas out of him or push him into being enthusiastic about it, it doesn't make him look good. It makes him look sort of selfish and greedy.

I thought this seemed pretty clear.

Were you looking for an update that said I scolded him, or that his dad landed on him?

Sorry, that's not going to happen. Because:

And then I let it drop--lectures don't work.

It wasn't clear, which is why I asked.  Like the other posters on this forum, I was just trying to follow a thread and thought I had missed something that had been posted. 
We often ask whether we have missed something if things begin to confuse us. 

[QueenofAllThings]

As a side comment, I agree it's a sad day when you have to fill your own stocking (I always helped Dad with Mom's) - but I wouldn't put that on Son, I'd put that squarely on DH.

[TootsNYC]

yeah, I wouldn't put the stocking on Son. But next year, it's on Son and Daughter!

When I was a kid, my parents didn't hang stocking. Until we got old enough to start insisting that they do so, and then we put something in them.

I pointed this out to them.

[bopper]

I am glad you talked to son...but Dad should have at least allocated a present to be "from son" if son didn't pick anything out...unless he was trying to teach son a lesson.

[TootsNYC]

Nope. He just forgot.

AND . . . the two of them went on a "field trip" into the city to have lunch w/ me on Wednesday, and neither one of them, apparently, thought about making a side trip to get a "make up" gift.

Because on NYEve, when we sat down to open the late-arriving presents, there still wasn't one from my son.
My husband said to me the next day, "we'll make it up to you."

Yeah, right.

So, I'm mad. And given that I've said something to my son already, I don't think there's anything else to be said right now.

I was talking to my aunt on the phone and told her about the no-gift thing, and my son in the next room overheard. And said, "I love you, Mom." So, I have that, even if I don't have a present.

[Sophia]

That's great, but it wouldn't get me over the grumpiness.