This is how my in-laws ruined my Christmas

[Bijou]

Previous post with some BG here : http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=111570.0

Schedule for the weekend was: Friday night, open house party at in-laws/Christmas eve afternoon & evening dinner at in-laws/Christmas day - a day alone at my house with just my kids and husband/Boxing Day boat trip with in-laws

My SIL, her husband and his brother were coming into town for the weekend.  SIL has not spoken to me in 18 months after defriending me on FB for a series of slights (I missed her grad school graduation because it was not child-friendly being the most important - DH attended alone).  DH has been living with his parents, but he decided to spend the weekend at our house for the kids sake.  We are trying to work out our differences.

So over a four day period I had exactly one day where I didn't sit in a house with a bunch of people who aren't really speaking to me.  I focused on my kids, made sure they didn't break anything at MIL's etc.  We declined dinner for Christmas day because I wanted to cook and allow my kids the time to play with their new toys.  After two days in a row of being dressed up and having to sit still and be somewhat formal, I thought they deserved a break too.

Christmas day - opened presents, and DH took kids to the park to play with their new outdoor toys.  I cleaned up the mess and got cracking on my dinner, which was simply prepared but turned out better than I had ever hoped for.  i had told DH dinner would be late afternoon-ish...I was trying a new beef roasting method, and wanted to get it right.  At 2pm, he comes back with the kids and says "my family is stopping by at 4pm".  Well, 4pm was literally the exact time we would be sitting down to dinner.  So, trying to be a good sport I said "how about 4:30?"  It would mean we would have 30 mins to eat, but our kids are small and not likely to sit for longer than that.  No dice, in-laws are eating at 5pm and it has to be 4pm.  I say no.  He says "can't you just hurry it along so we can eat earlier?"  Umm...no, it's a beef roast.  I cant shave an hour off!  He gets mad, says I am being unreasonable and storms out to "diffuse the situation" with his parents, who are apparently just down the street at his aunts house. 

They didn't come over.  We had dinner at 4pm, and at 5pm he left to go spend time with family. 

Isn't it rude to insist on showing up as a family is sitting down to dinner?

It sounds like he decided that his folks could not stop by at 4:30.  I think your issue is with him and not his folks.

[LadyL]

Like PPs I place much of the blame on your husband but I think the in-laws are to blame as well. You had already agreed to spend time with them for 3 of the 4 days of the holiday weekend and they couldn't respect you wanting *one day* with just your husband and kids? During a time when you are trying to mend your relationship? I would surmise that between their silent treatment and actions on Christmas day, they are not exactly rooting for you two to get back together. Your husband's lack of spine is the biggest issue but they are contributors as well.

HUGS OP, this is tough.

[penelope2017]

OP, maybe I missed it but did you ever clear up whether or not it was your husband who told you your MIL was upset about the address labels, or she told you herself?

Like PPs I have to say that your husband seems to not only have no interest in mending fences between you and his family, he's setting it up to make it worse. If I was trying to make it right with my wife, I'd be on my best behavior. If this is his best behavior, I'd say there isn't much future in this. I'm sorry. I feel for your children who are likely to feel the tension between you, your DH and his family. Kids aren't stupid to not notice their family isn't speaking to their mother - especially over three days, on Christmas.

Why did your DH need to leave to spend time with his family at 5pm on Christmas if you were already spending three out of four days with them? Aren't you guys his family? I credit you in a way for sticking to this, but I'm confused as to why you'd want to endure such treatment, and have your kids endure such treatment,  another day.

Bottom line is the problem is not your inlaws. It's your husband, and yes he was rude.

[LeveeWoman]

Your husband needs to quit throwing you under the bus.

[Elfmama]

I can't add anything more to the wisdom of the Previous Posters, so here's a big (((hug))) and a wish that everything turn out for the best.

[Iris]

Sweetie, your ILs didn't ruin Christmas, they were the catalyst.  Your HUSBAND ruined Christmas.  If I were you, this would be the end of "working things out".  He's demonstrated with his actions time and again that he hasn't changed.  You and your kids are not his first priority.  He's not planning to change but is hoping that by claiming to "try" that you will cave and let him continue in his old ways.  If this relationship ends, he can blame you, because he "tried".  It's a load of BS, but he's setting you up for failure.

((((((((Hugs)))))))) and good luck.

Yeah, sorry, but I have to POD this. I don't think your DH is interested in actually fixing things. I think he is interested in looking as though he is fixing things so that he can go back to living the way he wants to live. Maybe he can change that, but at the moment he's not even trying. I mean, he couldn't even give you and the kids ONE DAY without running to mummy and daddy - he doesn't have a healthy relationship with his parents IMO and until that is fixed it's going to be very hard for him to have a healthy relationship with you.

{{{hugs}}}

[Animala]

I wouldn't say he isn't interested in changing things, but perhaps he doesn't understand the patterns of behavior that has caused the problems.  I hope you get a chance to talk about it together in counseling.

[strangetimes]

I wouldn't say he isn't interested in changing things, but perhaps he doesn't understand the patterns of behavior that has caused the problems.  I hope you get a chance to talk about it together in counseling.

This.

And (((hugs)))- this is a really tough situation and you are very brave to put yourself out there with such a difficult history with your in-laws. Good luck

[kudeebee]

Wait---he left his kids on Christmas day to go spend time with his family that he LIVES with and had just spent friday evening and most of Szturday and was going to spend Monday with as well?  Your inlaws did not ruin Christmas your dh did. 

If this is his idea of working things out---my oh my.  I amm afraid you are in for major disappointment. Until he decides to  put his immediate family first--and that is you and your kids--this is what your life will continue to be like, always playing second fiddle to his parents.

[still in va]

Wait---he left his kids on Christmas day to go spend time with his family that he LIVES with and had just spent friday evening and most of Szturday and was going to spend Monday with as well?  Your inlaws did not ruin Christmas your dh did. 

If this is his idea of working things out---my oh my.  I amm afraid you are in for major disappointment. Until he decides to  put his immediate family first--and that is you and your kids--this is what your life will continue to be like, always playing second fiddle to his parents.

i have to agree with kudeebee.  the OP's husband has no intention of "working things out".  he's just trying to make her the bad guy.  he couldn't even spare one whole day of a four-day holiday weekend for his wife and children, away from his parents?  it's good that he's moved back in with Mommy.  he never should have left.

Cindy, i'm sorry he did this, and spoiled your lovely roast beef dinner. 

[Kimblee]

Wait---he left his kids on Christmas day to go spend time with his family that he LIVES with and had just spent friday evening and most of Szturday and was going to spend Monday with as well?  Your inlaws did not ruin Christmas your dh did. 

If this is his idea of working things out---my oh my.  I amm afraid you are in for major disappointment. Until he decides to  put his immediate family first--and that is you and your kids--this is what your life will continue to be like, always playing second fiddle to his parents.

i have to agree with kudeebee.  the OP's husband has no intention of "working things out".  he's just trying to make her the bad guy.  he couldn't even spare one whole day of a four-day holiday weekend for his wife and children, away from his parents?  it's good that he's moved back in with Mommy.  he never should have left.

Cindy, i'm sorry he did this, and spoiled your lovely roast beefbeast dinner.

Fixed that for ya. Yes I know I shouldn;t be making jokes but this one was so easy....

OP: I'm so sorry this happened to you and your kids. For your and their sake I hopes something gives, whether its your NotVeryDH learning to appreciate and treasure you and them, or you kicking his sorry grinchy bum to the curb and finding someone who will. As a child of divorce I was never as happy with my parents together and tense as I was with my mom happy and adored (Well, some of the adoring was directed at me too...) by my wonderful stepdad.

But if you think you and your husband can work it out and he can be a man instead of a mama's boy, then I wish you the best of luck. But you need to do what's best for you, not him.

[still in va]

Kimblee, i was thinking "beast" when i typed "beef"!   

[Kimblee]

Kimblee, i was thinking "beast" when i typed "beef"!   

lol I read that book some many times to my two cousin when they lived with me that for years I could recite it. That and "The Lorrax" which is also awesome.

OP, I hate to think of you having troubles. Just by existing on this board you brighten people's days (I will assume I'm not the only one who gets a little smile from your name) and I hope things get better for you soon. Hugs and Merry Christmas.

[kckgirl]

Your husband needs to quit throwing you under the bus.

Definitely!

I would lay it clear to your ex.

Listen, this is why our marriage won't have a chance.  You must put us first, in the case of our holiday dinner.  You put their needs before ours when we had seen them the day before and will the day after.  I even compromised by allowing them to come a half hour later and I got no compromise from you. I don't want you to choose me over your parents but to meet me halfway in these things.

I will say it again, it wasn't the IL, it is 100% your ex.

I agree.

[Sharnita]

I definitely see a lot of fault in dh here but it is hard to tell how much is truly his and how much is because he has been trained to defer to his parents/family.  I also don't know how much of a hand they have in any other issues OP and their son have.  It sounds like they are not pleasant people and they have trained him for decades - even if he is trying it might be hard to break from their influence.  Or he might be entirely to blame.  Either way, OP is not expecting too much.