This is how my in-laws ruined my Christmas

[Cami]

Just as in your other thread, my response is the same: your dh is the problem. He is not putting you and your family's needs first.  He's not going to magically reform his ways. It's a long hard road that involves a lot of counseling and commitment. Does he have what it takes or are you willing to be treated like this forever?

[Deetee]

Just as in your other thread, my response is the same: your dh is the problem. He is not putting you and your family's needs first.  He's not going to magically reform his ways. It's a long hard road that involves a lot of counseling and commitment. Does he have what it takes or are you willing to be treated like this forever?

This.

[Danismom]

I agree that your relationship with DH is the problem.  DH acted abominably.  I do wonder if some of this is payback for the man you were dating that you got pregnant with.  (BTW I'm still so sorry for your loss.)  Does DH know about him or the pregnancy?  Does his family?  It is never okay to act rudely to others. 

However, I know that I had a hard time being really nice to my SIL who recently separated from DH's brother at Christmas.  They were back together just in time for the holiday but I'm still reserving my judgment on the whole situation in general.  I think she did him wrong in a major way.

 While you might not be the real problem in the marriage, given what you've told us about DH's relationship with his family I suspect he's painted you as the problem to garner their sympathy.  They were still out of line in the way you were treated.  But I do wonder if they either knew of the affair/pregnancy or if DH has simply painted you as a shrew, do they think they are showing their loyalty to him?

[Deetee]

back on track with DH. 

After reading many of your posts about you and DH and this current one, it is scary to me that you consider this "back on track". This situation has so many red flags it's not even funny.

Please note, I am not referring to the relationship you had when you and your DH were broken up. I am thinking only of what you have shared with us about how DH has treated you for years.

[kareng57]

DH does not know.  We were separated and the legal process was started, so I don't see any of it as an affair.  It was a fun weekend with someone, not a relationship.  DH was also seeing someone else at the time.  The pregnancy was a tragedy, but it's over now and I'm trying not to dwell on it.  It actually helped me want to get back on track with DH.  DH has some skeletons in his past during our marriage, so I don't feel the need to bare my soul to him.  I don't really want to know all the details of his activities myself.  I'm sure some people see that as dishonest, but it's my choice to keep some things private...even from him.  If he can buy a house without consulting me (which he did) then I can keep this thing to myself.

DH has always talked to his family about every little minute problem.  It's been an endless issue...they all tend to overshare with each other.  My family doesn't do that at all, so it's been hard to adjust.  MIL and FIL are actually being very polite and nice to me, despite everything...I think the genuinely want to see us work it out.  SIL had given me the cut direct before DH and I split up, so she may never turn around.

He's quite likely figured this out, even if you think that he does not "know" - and has possibly also shared it with his family.

That's not to say that you can never get "back on track" but the background could always be there.

[cheyne]

DH has always talked to his family about every little minute problem.  It's been an endless issue...they all tend to overshare with each other.

I had a feeling that this might be a part of the problem.  It is very hard for the original family to forgive the inlaw if they feel their son/brother has been wronged.  If you have decided on counseling, this would be one of the first topics I would address.

Cindy, you need to look inside yourself and decide if this is what you really want.  The history of your marriage sounds pretty bleak, with a lot of secrets and resentments (not that I think it is bad to keep a few secrets from your partner esp. when you are legally separated) and with his family being so over-involved.  It's really hard to do, but maybe a clean break would be in the best interests of you and your children.  However, only you can decide this.