This is how my in-laws ruined my Christmas

[realgonegal1]

Previous post with some BG here : http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=111570.0

Schedule for the weekend was: Friday night, open house party at in-laws/Christmas eve afternoon & evening dinner at in-laws/Christmas day - a day alone at my house with just my kids and husband/Boxing Day boat trip with in-laws

My SIL, her husband and his brother were coming into town for the weekend.  SIL has not spoken to me in 18 months after defriending me on FB for a series of slights (I missed her grad school graduation because it was not child-friendly being the most important - DH attended alone).  DH has been living with his parents, but he decided to spend the weekend at our house for the kids sake.  We are trying to work out our differences.

So over a four day period I had exactly one day where I didn't sit in a house with a bunch of people who aren't really speaking to me.  I focused on my kids, made sure they didn't break anything at MIL's etc.  We declined dinner for Christmas day because I wanted to cook and allow my kids the time to play with their new toys.  After two days in a row of being dressed up and having to sit still and be somewhat formal, I thought they deserved a break too.

Christmas day - opened presents, and DH took kids to the park to play with their new outdoor toys.  I cleaned up the mess and got cracking on my dinner, which was simply prepared but turned out better than I had ever hoped for.  i had told DH dinner would be late afternoon-ish...I was trying a new beef roasting method, and wanted to get it right.  At 2pm, he comes back with the kids and says "my family is stopping by at 4pm".  Well, 4pm was literally the exact time we would be sitting down to dinner.  So, trying to be a good sport I said "how about 4:30?"  It would mean we would have 30 mins to eat, but our kids are small and not likely to sit for longer than that.  No dice, in-laws are eating at 5pm and it has to be 4pm.  I say no.  He says "can't you just hurry it along so we can eat earlier?"  Umm...no, it's a beef roast.  I cant shave an hour off!  He gets mad, says I am being unreasonable and storms out to "diffuse the situation" with his parents, who are apparently just down the street at his aunts house. 

They didn't come over.  We had dinner at 4pm, and at 5pm he left to go spend time with family. 

Isn't it rude to insist on showing up as a family is sitting down to dinner?

[LeveeWoman]

I think the rude one is your husband.

[Shoo]

Yes, it is.  What's even MORE rude is the way your husband behaved.  Is he *really* trying to work things out with you?  Because his behavior on Christmas day sure doesn't indicate it.

[WillyNilly]

I think you need to reframe things.  You aren't "slighting" your in-laws.  They are slighting you.  You need to call them out on their bad behavior and tell them exactly how inappropriate and rude and nasty and awful they are each time, you need to start slinging the guilt and you need to start playing your strongest hand - the kids. 

"I can't believe you are hurt about your graduation - you are the one who insulted me by expecting me to prioritize you over my own children's well being!"
"No you may not interrupt my children's Christmas dinner, how dare you even ask!"
"Of course my children's card had a return address sticker with my name on it, I am their mother!"

[Nora]

Your husband behaved like a clod. I'd be seething with him.

[Sharnita]

I agree that your husband sounds like a bug part of the problem.

[Zilla]

Yes, it is.  What's even MORE rude is the way your husband behaved.  Is he *really* trying to work things out with you?  Because his behavior on Christmas day sure doesn't indicate it.

I agree completely.  It does not sound like he is trying to work anything out at all.  And especially if he isn't forcing his family to acknowledge you at these holiday gatherings to be at least civil.

[magiccat26]

Sweetie, your ILs didn't ruin Christmas, they were the catalyst.  Your HUSBAND ruined Christmas.  If I were you, this would be the end of "working things out".  He's demonstrated with his actions time and again that he hasn't changed.  You and your kids are not his first priority.  He's not planning to change but is hoping that by claiming to "try" that you will cave and let him continue in his old ways.  If this relationship ends, he can blame you, because he "tried".  It's a load of BS, but he's setting you up for failure.

((((((((Hugs)))))))) and good luck.

[ShadesOfGrey]

It seems to me your husband is so inundated in his parents ways he cant even see objectively any longer. He thinks *you're* being unreasonable by not wanting to change your schedule at the last minute - but only because of their reaction, not because of the facts of the situation.  Think about that for a minute.


However, did you explain exactly why it was so important to you not to change your schedule? That you wanted a day to relax, you were looking forward to a family christmas together, that you would see them tomorrow anyway (and had seen them yesterday) and you didnt feel it was necessary to see them today as well?   Rather than just saying "no" or "that wont work" I'd give him a positive reason (I was looking forward to spending time together as a family.) why it's not a good idea. 

[ShadesOfGrey]

Sweetie, your ILs didn't ruin Christmas, they were the catalyst.  Your HUSBAND ruined Christmas.  If I were you, this would be the end of "working things out".  He's demonstrated with his actions time and again that he hasn't changed.  You and your kids are not his first priority.  He's not planning to change but is hoping that by claiming to "try" that you will cave and let him continue in his old ways.  If this relationship ends, he can blame you, because he "tried".  It's a load of BS, but he's setting you up for failure.

((((((((Hugs)))))))) and good luck.

This. so this.  I have a feeling he wont be seeing how unreasonable his family patterns are without therapy, quite frankly - it takes someone *wanting* to get out of that paradigm (which means first they ahve to recognize that there's another way to view the situation in the first place), and even then it's difficult.  Someone so into that mode of thinking, without even questioning it, is really likely to be defensive about it rather than change it.  You'll always be the unreasonable one, in that scenario.

[Searcher]

Yeah, your husband was the rude one-to you.

Unfortunately, you basically didn't have a chance.  He's setting you up to be the person he can blame for not wanting to do everything he and his family want to do.

[heartmug]

You had given them plenty of time this weekend.  I do hope for the sake of repairing your marriage that your DH will stand up for you to his parents.  That was a sore spot in my marriage for a long, long time until DH and I got counseling.

[QueenofAllThings]

Perhaps I could understand this IF you had no plans to see them - but you (and their grandkids) saw them plenty.

Hubby messed up big time.

[Sophia]

...They didn't come over.  We had dinner at 4pm, and at 5pm he left to go spend time with family.  ...

I wonder if this wasn't the plan all along?

[Zilla]

I would lay it clear to your ex.


Listen, this is why our marriage won't have a chance.  You must put us first, in the case of our holiday dinner.  You put their needs before ours when we had seen them the day before and will the day after.  I even compromised by allowing them to come a half hour later and I got no compromise from you.


I don't want you to choose me over your parents but to meet me halfway in these things.


I will say it again, it wasn't the IL, it is 100% your ex.