Author Topic: When matchmaking - should you reveal the other person's disability?  (Read 4566 times)

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DuBois

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Re: When matchmaking - should you reveal the other person's disability?
« Reply #15 on: January 05, 2012, 01:26:15 PM »
It's been my sad experience that many people have dealbreakers that reveal an absence of character that was heretofore hidden.

I just wanted to point out that dealbreakers, yes even a preference for chest size, do not reveal an absence of character.  They reveal preferences for a life partner.

For the OP, I agree with the posters who say make this a casual meet and greet among several friends rather than a deliberate set up, and ask Carrie how she wants to handle the situation.

As for the chest size comment, I think that it is better to find out sooner rather than later what a boor the person is. Having a preference is not inherently boorish, but I think that stating it in that way is.

Amava

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Re: When matchmaking - should you reveal the other person's disability?
« Reply #16 on: January 05, 2012, 01:39:46 PM »
It's been my sad experience that many people have dealbreakers that reveal an absence of character that was heretofore hidden.

I just wanted to point out that dealbreakers, yes even a preference for chest size, do not reveal an absence of character.  They reveal preferences for a life partner.

Possible. But reading the rest of the post:
Quote
I'd hate to have this woman go through what a coworker of mine did on her blind date when the guy took one look at her and said, "Sorry, I don't date women with A-cups. Bye."
one could ask oneself what the way in which he made his point, says about his character.
Not someone I would even want to talk to, let alone date. That's a dealbreaker for me and maybe that says something about *my* character: that I have no patience with insensitive clods.   >:(
I'm not saying he lacks character... he just doesn't have the kind of character I, personally, like.  ;D

Judah

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Re: When matchmaking - should you reveal the other person's disability?
« Reply #17 on: January 05, 2012, 01:49:12 PM »
It's been my sad experience that many people have dealbreakers that reveal an absence of character that was heretofore hidden.

I just wanted to point out that dealbreakers, yes even a preference for chest size, do not reveal an absence of character.  They reveal preferences for a life partner.

Possible. But reading the rest of the post:
Quote
I'd hate to have this woman go through what a coworker of mine did on her blind date when the guy took one look at her and said, "Sorry, I don't date women with A-cups. Bye."
one could ask oneself what the way in which he made his point, says about his character.
Not someone I would even want to talk to, let alone date. That's a dealbreaker for me and maybe that says something about *my* character: that I have no patience with insensitive clods.   >:(
I'm not saying he lacks character... he just doesn't have the kind of character I, personally, like.  ;D

I don't think Turtledoves comment is about the cloddish way the man in question revealed his preference, but only that simply having preferences doesn't reveal anything about one's character.  We're attracted to what we're to. The man was an oaf, but not because he doesn't like small breasts.
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Amava

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Re: When matchmaking - should you reveal the other person's disability?
« Reply #18 on: January 05, 2012, 02:19:37 PM »
I don't think Turtledoves comment is about the cloddish way the man in question revealed his preference, but only that simply having preferences doesn't reveal anything about one's character.  We're attracted to what we're to. The man was an oaf, but not because he doesn't like small breasts.

Yeah, you are probably right. But had he not been a clod about it, he probably wouldn't have ended up being mentioned in an e-hell post as a man who lacked character.

lady_disdain

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Re: When matchmaking - should you reveal the other person's disability?
« Reply #19 on: January 05, 2012, 03:47:59 PM »
I'd hate to have this woman go through what a coworker of mine did on her blind date when the guy took one look at her and said, "Sorry, I don't date women with A-cups. Bye."  (Not that I think a smaller chest is a disability, mind you.)

Oh my word!  :o

How nice of him - he clearly established himself to be a jerk in the first sentence. At least, this way, there is no waiting for him to call, self doubt about what went wrong, etc.

DavidH

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Re: When matchmaking - should you reveal the other person's disability?
« Reply #20 on: January 05, 2012, 05:27:48 PM »
Having a preference doesn't, I think, suggest an absence of character.  Stating it rudely is an entirely different matter.  Making the statement suggests the man was a clod at best.  Had he just said he enjoyed the date and left it at that without asking for another date would have been fine, the world didn't ever need to know why.

Similarly, I think you tell him about her disability for a couple of reasons. One is that it may be a deal breaker for him, the other is that it can change the type of date he plans, maybe choosing a quieter place or something like that.


CrazyDaffodilLady

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Re: When matchmaking - should you reveal the other person's disability?
« Reply #21 on: January 05, 2012, 07:02:45 PM »
This thread reminds me of a joke I read in Readers Digest long ago.  The setup is that the wife of Man A is picking up his old Army buddy at the train station.  The train arrives and unloads.  Wife and Army buddy are looking through the crowd until they’re the only ones left.

Army Buddy: “A” didn’t tell me you were pregnant.
Wife: He didn’t tell me you were black.

A heads-up is a good thing.  It can prevent a lot of embarrassment.  A hearing disability is nothing to be ashamed of.  Not speaking of it sort implies that it is.
It takes two people to play tug of war. If you don't want to play, don't pick up the rope.

Sharnita

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Re: When matchmaking - should you reveal the other person's disability?
« Reply #22 on: January 05, 2012, 07:29:55 PM »
If they are making plans for a date it might influence what he suggests as well. If there are activities that are a bit more problematic or take more planning for her you might want to let him know.

Allyson

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Re: When matchmaking - should you reveal the other person's disability?
« Reply #23 on: January 05, 2012, 07:34:52 PM »
I think it's a pretty important thing to mention, because it's something that will probably be a surprise, and it could be really awkward to have the obvious surprise happen in front of the person. But it also depends if it's an obvious setup or just a few people meeting up. In the latter situation, I think it's less important, as you're just seeing if they like each other and get along. But in a blind-date type situation I would absolutely make it known.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: When matchmaking - should you reveal the other person's disability?
« Reply #24 on: January 06, 2012, 11:08:14 PM »
Thanks guys. I have tried the "arrange a get-together for a group of friends and casually introduce Carrie and Jim without letting them know I am matcch-making" thing. However, as Deetee said in a previous post, I have been unsuccessful - whenever Carrie can attend the event, Jim cannot, and vice versa. I think the only way I can get them in the same room is if I specifically tell them that I would like to introduce them to a potential date. Of course, I can still turn it into a social event and invite other people. That way, if Carrie and Jim don't hit it off, there'll be other people around whom they can chat to.

All in all, I think I'll give Jim a casual "heads up" about Carrie's impairment. Hopefully that won't put him off.

TurtleDove

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Re: When matchmaking - should you reveal the other person's disability?
« Reply #25 on: January 06, 2012, 11:45:45 PM »

All in all, I think I'll give Jim a casual "heads up" about Carrie's impairment. Hopefully that won't put him off.

It either will or it won't, but it is probably better to know before Carrie is hurt. And it would not be wrong for Jim to object for whatever reason to a setup.

Slartibartfast

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Re: When matchmaking - should you reveal the other person's disability?
« Reply #26 on: January 07, 2012, 11:01:45 PM »
I think a casual heads-up is a very good idea.  If nothing else, it will give Jim a chance to get over the (entirely natural) round of "Am I going to say or do something offensive? Should I speak louder, or would that sound patronizing?  Is she sensitive about it?  How bad is her hearing, anyway?" before he meets her in person.  Different people have different preferences for how strangers acknowledge their disabilities - some might prefer a potential date to ignore the disability completely, others might prefer the date ask an honest question or two about the best way to proceed, while others would think less of a date who didn't already know at least the basics about the disability in question.  Giving Jim a heads-up will let him make a conscious choice of action instead of panicking when he meets her for the first time and possibly doing or saying something he later wishes he hadn't.

Because of this, along with the mention of her hearing issue, I think it would be kind to give an indication of how you usually deal with it when you're with her.  "She wears a hearing aid but she understands you fine at normal volume as long as she can see your face" versus "Even though her hearing aid may be obvious, she doesn't even think of it as a disability most of the time and she's not shy about asking you to repeat yourself if she didn't hear you" versus "People can be really rude about it and she's had some bad experiences, so I wanted to warn you so you aren't surprised and nervous when you meet her."

Twik

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Re: When matchmaking - should you reveal the other person's disability?
« Reply #27 on: January 09, 2012, 10:30:06 AM »

All in all, I think I'll give Jim a casual "heads up" about Carrie's impairment. Hopefully that won't put him off.

It either will or it won't, but it is probably better to know before Carrie is hurt. And it would not be wrong for Jim to object for whatever reason to a setup.

I agree totally here. If it does bother him, for whatever reason, best to know it in advance. And even if it doesn't bother him, it would keep Carrie from having to explain the situation when they start chatting. If I were Jim, I'd like to know in advance if there was anything I could do to make the conversation easier.
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sevenday

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Re: When matchmaking - should you reveal the other person's disability?
« Reply #28 on: January 10, 2012, 05:02:24 PM »
As a deaf person, I have been introduced to friends and "blind dates" before; I usually prefer that they are at least partially warned... for several reasons.  Those who may not be comfortable with my deafness, for whatever reason, will be weeded out before the meeting happens - and thus I am unaware of being 'rejected' based on something I cannot control.  Second, it gives them a chance to mentally prepare a bit, so they know, for example, to face me when they talk -- which helps us both avoid the slightly socially awkward situation of them saying something, me not responding, and then them having to repeat themselves... and me having to explain the whole "I didn't hear you, I'm sorry, let's try that again..."  In my experience, pre-warning has only been beneficial to me. However, Carrie's mileage may vary, as anyone's might. 

I would tell Carrie that you know someone, Jim, who you think may be a good fit.  Indicate that you want to invite both to a social evening to let them meet each other.  Ask her what, if anything, she wants you to convey beforehand.  Then go to Jim, and tell him that you have a friend that you want him to meet, tell him the date and time, and then relay any instructions Carrie wishes (look at me before you speak, bring a paper and pen just in case, etc).  And hope there are sparks when you do get them together!

Nonsequitur

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Re: When matchmaking - should you reveal the other person's disability?
« Reply #29 on: January 13, 2012, 05:08:13 PM »
I agree with disclosure. A big advantage to matchmaking is that you have this intermediary who knows or finds out each person's attributes and preferences and  ahead of time, tries to find out if there's potential, looks for dealbreakers and hidden pluses. Maybe I know my friend also trains bird dogs so I slip that in before brining up the the extra toe.

If every possible turnoff (or on!) had to be learned by the couple while dating, they could just skip the matchmaker and pick up strangers on the street.