Parental involvement in (teen) da[color=black]ting[/color] . . . UPDATE Pg5 #70

[cheyne]

I was able to nip some of this in the bud by making the rule that there was no d@ting until the age of 16 (with DH's full agreement).  Our DS started d@ting at almost 17 to his (now) fiancee.  They are both 22.  Our daughter is 15 and is not d@ting and is not really interested in d@ting anyone she knows (and can't until she is 16).

I would be prepared to step-in if the rel@tionship was abusive, there were drugs or alcohol involved, or any kind of illegal activity.  Otherwise, I let my kids know what I think when they ask my opinion (which they do all the time). 

With my 22 year old son, I really can't do anything about his rel@tionship.  He's an adult and has to make his own choices.  *Not that I disapprove of his fiancee.*

[Reason]

My coworker's fourteen year-old son was getting very sexual texts and emails from his fourteen year-old girlfriend.  He was told that he couldn't see her anymore and his cell phone usage was restricted (confiscated after 9:00 p.m.)  I think that is appropriate due to the age of the teens.

This statement is not accurate worldwide. Appropriate dating age really depends on the mental maturity of the teen. My sister was married by 14. I've had 3 girlfriends before I was 14. I almost got married at 17 but it fell through. My parents would never think to dictate what I chose to do with my private life because they trusted me to be strong enough to handle it.

[Betelnut]

My coworker's fourteen year-old son was getting very sexual texts and emails from his fourteen year-old girlfriend.  He was told that he couldn't see her anymore and his cell phone usage was restricted (confiscated after 9:00 p.m.)  I think that is appropriate due to the age of the teens.

This statement is not accurate worldwide. Appropriate dating age really depends on the mental maturity of the teen. My sister was married by 14. I've had 3 girlfriends before I was 14. I almost got married at 17 but it fell through. My parents would never think to dictate what I chose to do with my private life because they trusted me to be strong enough to handle it.

Granted.  Here (U.S.) 14 is generally considered too young to be married.  dating is another thing.  My coworker had no problem with her son having a girlfriend--it was the sexual nature of her communications that she had a problem with.  14 is considered too young for sexual activity (generally) in the U.S.

[cicero]

DS (due to his personality/ asperger's) hasn't dated yet. I know that when the time comes, i will guide him, and if i see something really "off", i will talk to him about it.

for teens - i would keep an eye on things. if i see something really bad - drugs, aggressive behavior, etc - i would talk to my child. it's tricky - because in some cases, when you stand up against a person, that is exactly what will throw your child into that person's arms.

If my child was going to get married to someone who was very unsuitable - i would step in and stop it. *my* parents didn't stop me from marrying my first (and my father didn't stop me from marrying my second) husband. as well as one of my sisters who married a horrible person. I think they should have at least tried. I don't know if it would have helped - but it would have saved a LOT of pain and heartache.  I was 21 and crazy in love but he was obviously haveing a lot of serious issues that later came back to haunt me.

I think what is important is to guide our children from when they are young. to focus on school, on what they will do when the grow up. friends, boy friends, having fun - all these are important (and when you are a teen - these *are* life!) but it's important also to remember that there is a life *after* school...

[Twik]

My coworker's fourteen year-old son was getting very sexual texts and emails from his fourteen year-old girlfriend.  He was told that he couldn't see her anymore and his cell phone usage was restricted (confiscated after 9:00 p.m.)  I think that is appropriate due to the age of the teens.

This statement is not accurate worldwide. Appropriate dating age really depends on the mental maturity of the teen. My sister was married by 14. I've had 3 girlfriends before I was 14. I almost got married at 17 but it fell through. My parents would never think to dictate what I chose to do with my private life because they trusted me to be strong enough to handle it.

How exactly would your 14 yo sister have managed having a baby? Even physically, let alone mentally?

[wolfie]

My coworker's fourteen year-old son was getting very sexual texts and emails from his fourteen year-old girlfriend.  He was told that he couldn't see her anymore and his cell phone usage was restricted (confiscated after 9:00 p.m.)  I think that is appropriate due to the age of the teens.

This statement is not accurate worldwide. Appropriate dating age really depends on the mental maturity of the teen. My sister was married by 14. I've had 3 girlfriends before I was 14. I almost got married at 17 but it fell through. My parents would never think to dictate what I chose to do with my private life because they trusted me to be strong enough to handle it.

How exactly would your 14 yo sister have managed having a baby? Even physically, let alone mentally?

The world's youngest mother was 6 so if she is having her period she can have a baby.

[wolfie]

If my child was going to get married to someone who was very unsuitable - i would step in and stop it.

How? Assuming the child is over 18 what could you possibly do to stop it? That was my mothers idea too. She was going to step in and stop it. And I didn't talk to her for over 5 years and we still aren't close and never will be. That destroyed our relationship forever. Plus it didn't do her any good as I was over 18 so she couldn't prevent me from doing anything I wanted anymore.

[Reason]

My coworker's fourteen year-old son was getting very sexual texts and emails from his fourteen year-old girlfriend.  He was told that he couldn't see her anymore and his cell phone usage was restricted (confiscated after 9:00 p.m.)  I think that is appropriate due to the age of the teens.

This statement is not accurate worldwide. Appropriate dating age really depends on the mental maturity of the teen. My sister was married by 14. I've had 3 girlfriends before I was 14. I almost got married at 17 but it fell through. My parents would never think to dictate what I chose to do with my private life because they trusted me to be strong enough to handle it.

How exactly would your 14 yo sister have managed having a baby? Even physically, let alone mentally?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_youngest_birth_mothers

Please refer to this for the physical aspect.

Mentally she was wiser and more mature than a lot of people are at 36. Basically, 14 is not a child in a lot of places in the world. I live in the US at the moment so I do understand how a majority of people would find this incredulous, but that does not mean that the world works the same way everywhere.

Incidentally the marriage age has since been raised to 16.

[magicdomino]

If my child was going to get married to someone who was very unsuitable - i would step in and stop it.

That can be more difficult than you think.  My sister crawled out a bedroom window and eloped, even though she and her boyfriend had to travel several states over to get to one that allowed 14 year old girls to get married without parental consent.  Mother wanted to get the marriage annulled, but my father pointed out that they would have to chain her in her room to prevent her from doing it again.  (He was right, too.  Sister is incredibly stubborn if you give her advice.)

[UpdatedName]

If my child was going to get married to someone who was very unsuitable - i would step in and stop it.

That can be more difficult than you think.  My sister crawled out a bedroom window and eloped, even though she and her boyfriend had to travel several states over to get to one that allowed 14 year old girls to get married without parental consent.  Mother wanted to get the marriage annulled, but my father pointed out that they would have to chain her in her room to prevent her from doing it again.  (He was right, too.  Sister is incredibly stubborn if you give her advice.)

If you don't mind, where did they live? How old are they now?

[SiotehCat]

My coworker's fourteen year-old son was getting very sexual texts and emails from his fourteen year-old girlfriend.  He was told that he couldn't see her anymore and his cell phone usage was restricted (confiscated after 9:00 p.m.)  I think that is appropriate due to the age of the teens.

This statement is not accurate worldwide. Appropriate dating age really depends on the mental maturity of the teen. My sister was married by 14. I've had 3 girlfriends before I was 14. I almost got married at 17 but it fell through. My parents would never think to dictate what I chose to do with my private life because they trusted me to be strong enough to handle it.

How exactly would your 14 yo sister have managed having a baby? Even physically, let alone mentally?

I'm sorry, but I don't understand this? 14 yr olds can have children as long as they have had their period. I had my DS when I was 14. It didn't kill me and I didn't lose my mind.

[Mental Magpie]

My coworker's fourteen year-old son was getting very sexual texts and emails from his fourteen year-old girlfriend.  He was told that he couldn't see her anymore and his cell phone usage was restricted (confiscated after 9:00 p.m.)  I think that is appropriate due to the age of the teens.

This statement is not accurate worldwide. Appropriate dating age really depends on the mental maturity of the teen. My sister was married by 14. I've had 3 girlfriends before I was 14. I almost got married at 17 but it fell through. My parents would never think to dictate what I chose to do with my private life because they trusted me to be strong enough to handle it.

How exactly would your 14 yo sister have managed having a baby? Even physically, let alone mentally?

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I think Twik meant that how would she manage the physical changes that a woman's body goes through, and what kind of strain would that put on her body because hers possibly hasn't fully grown yet.

SiotehCat: That doesn't mean everyone would be able to handle it as well as you did.  Just look at Pregnant at 16 (I refuse to watch it); many of those girls are nowhere near mature enough to handle it.  Obviously you were, and I applaud you for that...I was too worried about kicking boys butts at soccer at that point of my life and I know I wouldn't have been able to handle it well...

[SiotehCat]

My coworker's fourteen year-old son was getting very sexual texts and emails from his fourteen year-old girlfriend.  He was told that he couldn't see her anymore and his cell phone usage was restricted (confiscated after 9:00 p.m.)  I think that is appropriate due to the age of the teens.

This statement is not accurate worldwide. Appropriate dating age really depends on the mental maturity of the teen. My sister was married by 14. I've had 3 girlfriends before I was 14. I almost got married at 17 but it fell through. My parents would never think to dictate what I chose to do with my private life because they trusted me to be strong enough to handle it.

How exactly would your 14 yo sister have managed having a baby? Even physically, let alone mentally?

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I think Twik meant that how would she manage the physical changes that a woman's body goes through, and what kind of strain would that put on her body because hers possibly hasn't fully grown yet.

SiotehCat: That doesn't mean everyone would be able to handle it as well as you did.  Just look at Pregnant at 16 (I refuse to watch it); many of those girls are nowhere near mature enough to handle it.  Obviously you were, and I applaud you for that...I was too worried about kicking boys butts at soccer at that point of my life and I know I wouldn't have been able to handle it well...

I haven't seen 16 and pregnant, but I have heard of it and it is my understanding that that show only follows 5-6 girls. I went to a highschool for teenage mothers, so I have met many. The majority were like me and not like the ones on 16 and pregnant.

[Mental Magpie]

My coworker's fourteen year-old son was getting very sexual texts and emails from his fourteen year-old girlfriend.  He was told that he couldn't see her anymore and his cell phone usage was restricted (confiscated after 9:00 p.m.)  I think that is appropriate due to the age of the teens.

This statement is not accurate worldwide. Appropriate dating age really depends on the mental maturity of the teen. My sister was married by 14. I've had 3 girlfriends before I was 14. I almost got married at 17 but it fell through. My parents would never think to dictate what I chose to do with my private life because they trusted me to be strong enough to handle it.

How exactly would your 14 yo sister have managed having a baby? Even physically, let alone mentally?

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I think Twik meant that how would she manage the physical changes that a woman's body goes through, and what kind of strain would that put on her body because hers possibly hasn't fully grown yet.

SiotehCat: That doesn't mean everyone would be able to handle it as well as you did.  Just look at Pregnant at 16 (I refuse to watch it); many of those girls are nowhere near mature enough to handle it.  Obviously you were, and I applaud you for that...I was too worried about kicking boys butts at soccer at that point of my life and I know I wouldn't have been able to handle it well...

I haven't seen 16 and pregnant, but I have heard of it and it is my understanding that that show only follows 5-6 girls. I went to a highschool for teenage mothers, so I have met many. The majority were like me and not like the ones on 16 and pregnant.

I've never watched it either, I've only heard about it.  It is wrong to apply to the many what you have learned from the few (you=me in this).  I guess I really was just pointing out that not everyone has the same experience, but I used a clumsy way of doing it and for that I apologize.

[Reader]

When I was a teen and wanted to start dating my mom told me not until I was sixteen.  Since she had a habit of forgetting stuff that she didn't want to remember, I went and immediately wrote it into my diary.   When I turned sixteen and broached the subject again after being asked out to a matinee movie I was again told no.  I had to fetch my diary to prove she had said it a year before.  I was grudgingly allowed to let go.  So as being on the teen side, when I am a parent I probably will put the same restriction down.  Because I went to school with a girl in 8th grade that ended up pregnant, which I at the time was so shocked (I was very sheltered), especially since we had 3 years of health class that went over contreception.

On the same vein though, I have found that the moment you tell anyone that you disapprove of a person (as long as it's not life threatening) that it has the opposite effect.  When I was older and living with an aunt at the time I once was going to meet a friend to play pool.  As soon as I said I would be playing with Ramon I was questioned by my aunt and uncle on his ethnic background and when I replied he was indeed Hispanic I was treated to the lecture of how hard it would be to go through life with a mixed baby.  Cue my jaw dropping to the floor because I had never played scrabble before, and had no interest in dating Ramon because he was actually skinner and smaller than me.  I think this might have been my first complete silence gesture because I was too shocked to respond.  Guess what teenager self me did.  Yep I ended dating him for a few weeks just to irk my aunt and uncle.  I also have a girlfriend who has been dating the same man for 3 years.  She has never been to his house ever, he is very controlling and he is the very jealous type and even if she's out with me he will send her multiple texts asking what she is doing, who she is with etc.  I am suspicious that he is cheating on her and then projecting onto her that she is doing the same.  They broke up once and even then, was the only time we actually talked about his issues of trust, and how she has never been to his house etc.  Didn't do me any good, because they are back together, even after multiple people telling her the relationship isn't right including her own brother.  And because I raised early objections (I first thought he might be married) is probably the reason why I have never met him in the entire time she has been dating him.