Parental involvement in (teen) da[color=black]ting[/color] . . . UPDATE Pg5 #70

[Reason]

SiotehCat: That doesn't mean everyone would be able to handle it as well as you did.  Just look at Pregnant at 16 (I refuse to watch it); many of those girls are nowhere near mature enough to handle it.  Obviously you were, and I applaud you for that...I was too worried about kicking boys butts at soccer at that point of my life and I know I wouldn't have been able to handle it well...

A normal well balanced 16 year old mother would not make for very good television, unfortunately. As such is is not at all reflective of reality. I watch Jersey shore sometimes too, but I don't automatically assume everyone from Jersey is a steroid chewing sociopath.

If you watch the show "Russian Dolls" and think you will learn anything about actual Russian culture from it, you will be extremely disappointed in the accuracy of your findings.

[Mental Magpie]

SiotehCat: That doesn't mean everyone would be able to handle it as well as you did.  Just look at Pregnant at 16 (I refuse to watch it); many of those girls are nowhere near mature enough to handle it.  Obviously you were, and I applaud you for that...I was too worried about kicking boys butts at soccer at that point of my life and I know I wouldn't have been able to handle it well...

A normal well balanced 16 year old mother would not make for very good television, unfortunately. As such is is not at all reflective of reality. I watch Jersey shore sometimes too, but I don't automatically assume everyone from Jersey is a steroid chewing sociopath.

If you watch the show "Russian Dolls" and think you will learn anything about actual Russian culture from it, you will be extremely disappointed in the accuracy of your findings.

I was merely using an anecdote to convey a point, as I outlined in my response to SiotehCat.  I am very aware that tv is nowhere near reality.

[kethria]

A) In reading the responses I got Reason and Reader mixed up and was SO CONFUSED for a second...\

B) My uncle and his wife got married when he was 17 and she was 14, they have 4 kids, 4 grandkids and have been together for ummmm... let's see oldest cuz is in his early 40's so I guess a year longer than that

C) I wasn't allowed to date until I was 17 and even then it was home before 10 pm. I was very very sheltered and protected and that probably contributed to me getting married at 19. I think if maybe I had been allowed to go out more like my sister was I wouldn't have gotten married to the first guy who asked.

[jpcher]

I really appreciate everybody's input on this subject.

My gut feeling is that I should keep my mouth shut. My heart is going all over the place.

This is about DD#2 who has recently (almost 2 months ago) broken up with her BF#2. They were dating for 2 years.

Since the break-up DD#2 has been hanging out with Bob. Bob is 21 and DD#2 is 17-1/2. DD#2 says that they are "just friends." The hanging out has grown into more often and doing things like dinner and movies, etc.*

Bob has a part time job, goes to community college (part time . . . doesn't know what he wants to do with his life) and lives with his mother. He also broke up with his long time GF several months ago.

Here's the kicker -- Bob is DD#1's BF#1's brother. So I know him well, DD#2 knows him well and guess what? He was very close friends with BF#2. (BF#2 has been ousted from the core group of friends . . . even Bob says he wants nothing to do with BF#2 any more.)



*Anywhoo . . . my problem is that I'm thinking that Bob is taking BF#2's place in my daughters life. Someone to hang with. Someone to talk to. Someone to mend her broken heart.

I'd really like to curb the frequency that they see each other. I don't have any good reason other than I think that he's the "rebound guy."

There's more BG, like Bob's mom already has Bob and DD#2 married (a completely different thread )  . . . and the fact that Bob is "familyish" due to DD#1 and Bob's brother (BF#1) dating.



I dunno. Maybe I'm completely off base.

I will heed your advice, keep my mouth shut and try to gently guide DD#2 concerning healthy relationships . . . non specific discussions about relationships in general.

Maybe I'm more gun-shy than DD#2 is. I just don't want to see her get hurt again.

[katycoo]

I'd really like to curb the frequency that they see each other. I don't have any good reason other than I think that he's the "rebound guy."

Sorry.  You can't.

I totally get your desire to protect her from being hurt again, but these are life lessons, and unless there is abuse, I really think you should stay out of it.

AND - not all rebound relationships are doomed.  My husband was to a degree, and we've been married 5 years now.

[Gwywnnydd]

A) In reading the responses I got Reason and Reader mixed up and was SO CONFUSED for a second...\

Oh, I'm *so* glad it wasn't just me! =D

[SisJackson]

I just don't want to see her get hurt again.

In all likelihood the only way you can prevent her from ever being hurt by a man again is to have her sequestered.  Part of finding out what you want in a partner is sometimes finding out, the hard way, that someone isn't the right one, and ending it.  And the end almost always hurts, even if you're the one doing the ending.

An article I found online says that the according to a study of 2,000 people found that the average woman kisses 22 men, has four serious relationships, and has her heart broken five times before meeting "The One" - read it here - so for most of us, breakups are a natural part of one's love life.

I understand the desire to keep your daughter's heart safe, but I'm afraid that probably won't be possible.

[LifeOnPluto]

In general, I think it's ok for a parent to voice their concerns in a reasonable manner.

In your case, I'd be concerned about the age gap. IMO, there is quite a bit of difference between a 17 year old and a 21 year old. The 17 year old is still a minor and (probably) still at school. By contrast, the 21 year old is a legal adult who can drink and go clubbing, etc, and is probably working or in college/uni. There can be a fair bit of difference in terms of maturity and life experience. I would also question why a 21 year old man would want to hang out with a high schooler.

With your DD2, I think you'd be fine in telling her that she can't go to pubs and clubs with him. I think you (and parents in general) are fine in laying down some "house rules" when it comes to having dates over. Eg "no alone time in the bedrooms" etc.

As for the rebound issue, I'd encourage her to explore being single. I'd encourage her to hang out with her friends, try a new hobby or interest, play some sport, focus on school, etc. I'd try to emphasise the fact that she doesn't need a guy to "complete" her, and that she's wonderful as she is, etc.

[jimithing]

Given the information, I think you really need to stay out of it. I don't necessarily think rebounds are always unhealthy, and I definitely think at 17 1/2, it's pretty typical for a teenager to jump into another relationship so soon. At that age, most girls aren't looking for a husband and super serious relationship, but someone to date and hang out with.

[MrsJWine]

Given the information, I think you really need to stay out of it. I don't necessarily think rebounds are always unhealthy, and I definitely think at 17 1/2, it's pretty typical for a teenager to jump into another relationship so soon. At that age, most girls aren't looking for a husband and super serious relationship, but someone to date and hang out with.

I agree. I wouldn't encourage a rebound relationship, but sometimes they can be very healing (that sounds so cheesy). My first really serious boyfriend broke up with me at the end of my freshman year of college, completely out of the blue. It was completely devastating. I couldn't eat for a week. And then a few weeks later this guy in my physics class that I'd had a sort of mild crush on for two semesters asked me out. I was definitely not over the first guy, and yes, it would have been better if I'd been able to climb out of that hole on my own. But I was 18, and he was my first love.

Physics Guy was fun and interesting, and he was exactly what I needed at the time. It only lasted a few months, but he got me a job at a summer camp, and those are some of the best memories of my life. I came back the next school year and got to be good friends with my now-husband. I'm not sure that would've happened if I'd still been pining for Guy #1.

Her relationship with Bob may be a very good thing, rebound or not, serious or not. Physics Guy was a terrible match for me, but he yanked me out of some pretty (in retrospect) idiotic self-pity and depression, and I don't know if I could've done that on my own--at least not as soon.

[mechtilde]

Agreed- I started seeing someone six weeks after breaking up with someone. Yesterday was our 11th wedding anniversary.

Unless you think she's being mistreated, let her get on with it- even though you understandably want to protect her.

[cicero]

If my child was going to get married to someone who was very unsuitable - i would step in and stop it.

How? Assuming the child is over 18 what could you possibly do to stop it? That was my mothers idea too. She was going to step in and stop it. And I didn't talk to her for over 5 years and we still aren't close and never will be. That destroyed our relationship forever. Plus it didn't do her any good as I was over 18 so she couldn't prevent me from doing anything I wanted anymore.

to all those who asked me how i would stop and if i could stop this - i'm not going to lock my son up in his room but i would do my best to stop him from making a mistake like that. we have a very good relationship and we talk everything out, so we would talk this out too. I know what it's like to make a terrible mistake like marrying the wrong man, and my son (unfortunately) knows what it's like to live in that kind of marriage as a child

[cicero]

is this the dd whose former bf you suspected stole from you?

i wouldn't focus on the rebound etc, but focus on her.

[LadyL]

I'm going to add my comment to the host of people saying that you can't stop her being hurt.  You don't know if this is "just" a rebound, they could end up being together for the next 20 years.  If you want to discuss anything with her I would focus more on the age gap and making sure he wasn't trying to push her into anything, like underage drinking (if this is something you disapprove of).  Don't forget that women mature faster than men so they may well be on a par with each other maturity-wise.  My boyfriend was my "rebound guy" and we've been together for 3 years now.  There is no set time that needs to be had between relationships - it could be 2 weeks or 2 years.

POD to all of this.

Just for some perspective, my last ex was quite the charmer and my family really loved him. He was about my age (2 years older) and we were together for 3 years, from when I was 17-20. He also turned out be a compulsive liar. He was arrested for a white collar federal crime, and it still took me 6 months after that to fully break up with him because I was so entangled. My family had no idea he had such deep issues, and I was in denial about it until the last year or so of our relationship (which is also when his behavior escalated).

After that I was happily single and casually dating for about 3 months when I met LordL. We sort of accidentally started exclusively dating right away (we both lost any interest in other people but didn't realize we both felt that way until a few months in). For the first 6 months I really thought it wouldn't go anywhere. He was the opposite of my ex - honest to a fault, grumpy/cynical, socially awkward - but also extremely smart and kind. I don't think my parents knew what to make of him for the first few years we dated because he was very nervous around them. We've now been together almost 8 years and got engaged about a year ago.

[magicdomino]

If my child was going to get married to someone who was very unsuitable - i would step in and stop it.

That can be more difficult than you think.  My sister crawled out a bedroom window and eloped, even though she and her boyfriend had to travel several states over to get to one that allowed 14 year old girls to get married without parental consent.  Mother wanted to get the marriage annulled, but my father pointed out that they would have to chain her in her room to prevent her from doing it again.  (He was right, too.  Sister is incredibly stubborn if you give her advice.)

If you don't mind, where did they live? How old are they now?

Sister eloped in the early 1950's, and got pregnant as soon as possible, probably to prevent Mother from getting the annulment.  Mother settled for packing up all of her stuff, and informing Sister at the door that if she was old enough to get married, she was old enough to move out.  Sister and new husband went to live with his parents and numerous siblings in a tiny house with no indoor plumbing.  The couple stayed together for about 15 years and two more kids before divorcing.  Sister is now 72, still living in Virginia, and as willful as ever.  Still doesn't have a lick of sense, either.