Parental involvement in (teen) da[color=black]ting[/color] . . . UPDATE Pg5 #70

[Perfect Circle]

Unless your child in is danger, I really think you need to let them live their own lives and make their own mistakes. You can talk to them and make sure everything is ok, but trying to influence their relationship is unlikely to have a positive outcome.

[TZ]

Although they would deny it, my parents were pretty overprotective, which meant I didn't date much in high school. As a result, I jumped into a relationship with one of the first guys to come along when I was in college. I knew that my parents hated him. They never said a word, but I knew. I'm glad they didn't push the issue because, as a fairly immature 19-year-old, I probably would have grown closer to him out of spite.

However, I'm certain they would have said something if we had gotten engaged or moved in together, and rightfully so. There is a difference, IMO, between interfering in an official but relatively casual relationship and something more permanent if there truly are red flags. I'm not saying that's true for everyone, but I would expect those who care most about me to speak up if they think I'm about the make a huge mistake. Maybe they're overstepping, or maybe they're seeing something I'm not.

With that said, I not would allow my hypothetical 17-year-old daughter to date someone who's 21. Even as an 18-year-old freshman in college, I would have looked askance at a guy of that age who wanted to date a girl in high school. The difference in circumstances and life experience at that point are pretty dramatic. YMMV.

[jpcher]

is this the dd whose former bf you suspected stole from you?

i wouldn't focus on the rebound etc, but focus on her.

Yup. Same dd and bf.

Focusing on her is an excellent point (as other posters suggested.) She does need to get herself centered in her own life. DD#2 needs to know herself before getting into another long term relationship.

I agree. I wouldn't encourage a rebound relationship, but sometimes they can be very healing (that sounds so cheesy). My first really serious boyfriend broke up with me at the end of my freshman year of college, completely out of the blue. It was completely devastating. I couldn't eat for a week. And then a few weeks later this guy in my physics class that I'd had a sort of mild crush on for two semesters asked me out. I was definitely not over the first guy, and yes, it would have been better if I'd been able to climb out of that hole on my own. But I was 18, and he was my first love.

Physics Guy was fun and interesting, and he was exactly what I needed at the time. It only lasted a few months, but he got me a job at a summer camp, and those are some of the best memories of my life. I came back the next school year and got to be good friends with my now-husband. I'm not sure that would've happened if I'd still been pining for Guy #1.

Her relationship with Bob may be a very good thing, rebound or not, serious or not. Physics Guy was a terrible match for me, but he yanked me out of some pretty (in retrospect) idiotic self-pity and depression, and I don't know if I could've done that on my own--at least not as soon.

Cheesy or not, somebody will be the rebound guy. At least I know and respect Bob.

Who knows what will come of this . . .

With that said, I not would allow my hypothetical 17-year-old daughter to date someone who's 21. Even as an 18-year-old freshman in college, I would have looked askance at a guy of that age who wanted to date a girl in high school. The difference in circumstances and life experience at that point are pretty dramatic. YMMV.

Age difference is a concern for me. But I allowed DD#2 to go to prom with BF#2 when she was a sophomore and he was a senior, so I really can't backpedal now.

Sigh.

[Ginya]

wouldn't say "that person is just not right for you" because that person actually might be and I'm not seeing it.

I love this. Mostly because my DH and I are like this. Many, many, many people told us we were not right for each other because we have very obvious personality differences to the point we are almost complete opposites but we work because of that. We balance each other. Like everyone else here, unless it's an abusive relationship or you can clearly see warning signs you should let your daughter do what she will. You can not keep her from hurt, it happens to us all and it's important for our development as a human being. Giver her general advice if she needs it and just be there for her if she needs you. 

[Winterlight]

I'd only step in if there was a safety issue. Given what you've said, I'd stay out of it.

[Shoo]

Age difference is a concern for me. But I allowed DD#2 to go to prom with BF#2 when she was a sophomore and he was a senior, so I really can't backpedal now.

There is a world of difference between a 17 year old with a 15 year old, and a 21 year old with a 17 year old.  HUGE difference!

[UpdatedName]

Age difference is a concern for me. But I allowed DD#2 to go to prom with BF#2 when she was a sophomore and he was a senior, so I really can't backpedal now.

There is a world of difference between a 17 year old with a 15 year old, and a 21 year old with a 17 year old.  HUGE difference!

Agreed. A good friend of mine in college had this age gap--she was 17 and he was 21. He was an extraordinarily nice guy, but it was indicative of his emotional unhealthiness. (Like I said, he was a great guy, but he thrived on complications, and who makes relationships more complicated than a high school girl?)

[gramma dishes]

Jpcher ~~

I may be way off base here, but I can't help but wonder if a small part of your discomfort with this current situation is that you're kind of afraid that if/when they break up, it will cause discomfort between the two families as long as your other daughter and the other brother are still dating?

[Sharnita]

what do their siblings think about the whole situation?

[MariaE]

With that said, I not would allow my hypothetical 17-year-old daughter to date someone who's 21. Even as an 18-year-old freshman in college, I would have looked askance at a guy of that age who wanted to date a girl in high school. The difference in circumstances and life experience at that point are pretty dramatic. YMMV.

All depends on the 17-year-old and the 21-year-old. My sister and her now-husband started dating when she was 17 and he was 24. They're celebrating their cobber wedding anniversary next year.

[iridaceae]

With that said, I not would allow my hypothetical 17-year-old daughter to date someone who's 21. Even as an 18-year-old freshman in college, I would have looked askance at a guy of that age who wanted to date a girl in high school. The difference in circumstances and life experience at that point are pretty dramatic. YMMV.

All depends on the 17-year-old and the 21-year-old. My sister and her now-husband started dating when she was 17 and he was 24. They're celebrating their cobber wedding anniversary next year.

Cobber wedding anniversary?

[Ceallach]

No advice on the specifics here, but when giving advice to a teen I would actually go with specifics rather than general.  So instead of "that person may not be the best for you" I'd mention the actual concern.   When I started dating DH my Dad said "Be careful driving with him, he's a car guy so may drive fast".  In his mind DH was a boy racer (he knew DH as a friend of my brother), but actually DH is a technical car racer so probably a better driver than anybody else I know.  His "day" car was a giant station wagon - big enough to tow his race car to meets on the weekend but a definite family car otherwise!!  I always appreciated that type of advice from my parents.  They weren't telling me what to do or not do, but they were highlighting specific areas I should be aware of.  That's a good thing.

Age is a funny thing.  When I was 17 I dated a 22 year old.  He was waaay too old for me and in retrospect it was a mistake - he was a good guy who dated me against his own better judgment, but I just wasn't ready for that level of relationship.  The experience scarred me and I took a long time to recover.   I had another brief relationship, dated casually, and then when I was 19 I met DH - who was 28.   Yep.  The thing is, I was really old for my age, and it worked.  There were some initial issues, but now we're 27 and 35 the age difference is irrelevant.

[cicero]

is this the dd whose former bf you suspected stole from you?

i wouldn't focus on the rebound etc, but focus on her.

Yup. Same dd and bf.

Focusing on her is an excellent point (as other posters suggested.) She does need to get herself centered in her own life. DD#2 needs to know herself before getting into another long term relationship.

see, my concern would be that she knew a bit more about the BF-suspected-thief than she was willing to admit. I've been that person - when i was 19, my then bf (now ex husband) was in a lot of trouble, very dysfunctional, and because i was in love with him, and (now that i can look back honestly) so desperate to have and keep a boyfriend, i went along with everything. He was AWOL from his army service? well, they didn't listen to him when he said he has problems. He ran away from home and slept in doorways? well, his parents were mean to him.he didn't finish HS/college? well, he was a sensitive soul. and so on. so yes, it would have helped me to know myself first, and it would have also helped me to be confronted about the things my bf was doing, and to talk about it with someone (maybe a parent, maybe  a professional) to understand just what a gf role should and shouldn't be.

[MariaE]

With that said, I not would allow my hypothetical 17-year-old daughter to date someone who's 21. Even as an 18-year-old freshman in college, I would have looked askance at a guy of that age who wanted to date a girl in high school. The difference in circumstances and life experience at that point are pretty dramatic. YMMV.

All depends on the 17-year-old and the 21-year-old. My sister and her now-husband started dating when she was 17 and he was 24. They're celebrating their cobber wedding anniversary next year.

Cobber wedding anniversary?

Sorry, spelling mistake. Copper wedding anniversary

(In case that's a Danish tradition. Copper wedding is 12.5 years, Silver wedding is 25 years and Gold wedding is 50 years. Other years have names as well, but those are the three most commonly known ones).

[HohumHo]

The problem is that one 17 year old is quite different from another. I am currently 18, and I firmly believe that I am only a tiny bit more mature than I was 16. I feel a bit more confidant in my own skin because I hold a part time job (unlike all my close friends) and maintain good grades.

There are many things I have been able to do since 14 that my other 17-18 year old friends cannot do now, cook clean etc. and I baby sit my baby cousin 4 hrs a day after and pre school.

I would have been downright furious if I was not allowed to date a 21 year old at 17.

I have always been told "If you behave like an adult, I will treat you like one".

Having said that, many, many of my 17=18 year old peers cannot take care of themselves, and are not equipped to deal with a mature relationship. Some of them still do have relationships with someone 21 ish, but they don't tend to end well.

It really is about what an individual is like, not simply what year they were born in. My stepfather's mother's parents died and she took care of four other children at only 16. There aren't many people who can do that in the world, but the point is that there is a huge difference from one teenager and young adult to another.

You might legally be an adult, but you might not mentally be one. You might not legally be an adult, but you might be able to take care of a household.