I'm not. Really

[Ko-Ko]

Hi everybody! I'm new to this forum, and I was hoping you could help me with a rather unusual problem. I am unfortunately aquainted with a person who has made a number of incorrect assumptions about me. One of these assumptions is that I am g*a*y. The following are some of the "evidence."

1. Somebody mentioned a Melissa Etheridge song, and I mentioned within his hearing that it was a good song. Apparently, I listen to "lesbian music."

2. My hair used to be very short.

3. I am an alto, not a soprano.

4. I like to listen to Queen.

5. I like Monty Python.

Now, obviously none of these things mean anything, (especially the last two examples, which involve g*a*y men, so I don't understand how that could have anything to do with me). The biggest problem is, I am pretty sure that he isn't trying to be a jerk. I believe that he really thinks he is trying to help me. He has also tried to get me to join the g*a*y-Straight Alliance. I have tried talking to him politely, but this does nothing. He has convinced himself that I am not true to myself or something stupid like that. In a way, it would be easier if he had been doing this to be a jerk, because at least I could just tell him to shove off. How can I get him to stop without looking like a jerk to someone who thinks he is helping? Thanks for reading.

[Scritzy]

How about this? "Joe, I am not g*a*y, and this topic is no longer open for discussion."

"But you …"

"The discussion is closed."

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Is this person a co-worker? If so, you should report him to HR. He is harrassing you.

(Wonder what he would think about me? I am not just an alto, I'm a second alto, and I can also sing the tenor and sometimes the bass line. And I have short hair, too.)

[CreteGirl]

I have tried talking to him politely, but this does nothing. He has convinced himself that I am not true to myself or something stupid like that. In a way, it would be easier if he had been doing this to be a jerk, because at least I could just tell him to shove off. How can I get him to stop without looking like a jerk to someone who thinks he is helping? Thanks for reading.

It seems to me that if he is not respecting your answer when you give it, then he is not *helping* at all.  My guess is he has some other issue if he continues to insist that you are something that you are not.  Maybe you should ask him why it is so important to him to believe something about you that is inaccurate.  Could it be that he wants to date you, but knows you are not interested, and therefore has to invent a reason why you won't go out with him?

How annoying this must be for you.

[Chartreuse]

Ah, yes... welcome to the "no, I am not a lesbian, despite how much you seem to be convinced of it" club.  Bathroom's down the hall.  Pull up a chair, and relax. 

Assumptions about one's sexual preferences are something that really shouldn't be done.  Stereotyping is not always accurate, and having the nerve to insist that somebody is something they're not is tacky (meant to be rude or not).  Yes, I happen to be a tomboy, who used to (and probably will in the future) have very short hair, I have many close gay friends, I have multiple piercings, and I'm a bit fiesty.  No, this does not mean a thing other than I'm me.

Good luck convincing somebody that's completely convinced already that you're closeted.  You've been honest with him, you could pull him aside one last time and explain to him how it makes you feel to have him basically call you a liar when you're telling him the truth.  You could also point out to him how he probably wouldn't appreciate people making assumptions about him based on little details from stupid stereotypes?  I don't know, it's likely that he'll hear what he wants to hear and nothing will change.   

[Ko-Ko]

Thanks to all of you for responding. He's not actually a co-worker, he's a classmate. I never thought about him wanting to date me and having to think of a reason why I wouldn't. The funny thing is, I might have at least considered the idea if he hadn't been so weird about this whole thing. Oh well, if that is his reason, then too bad for him!

[Ko-Ko]

Wow Chartreuse, I didn't realize so many others went through this as well. Hey I noticed the French Taunter under your name. You like Monty Python too! Ooooo 

[Alida]

Based on those criteria, I'm a lesbian, too!  Won't my husband of almost 17 years be surprised?!

[Brentwood]

How about this? "Joe, I am not g*a*y, and this topic is no longer open for discussion."

"But you …"

"The discussion is closed."

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Is this person a co-worker? If so, you should report him to HR. He is harrassing you.

(Wonder what he would think about me? I am not just an alto, I'm a second alto, and I can also sing the tenor and sometimes the bass line. And I have short hair, too.)

I can sing tenor also.

[Shoo]

1. Somebody mentioned a Melissa Etheridge song, and I mentioned within his hearing that it was a good song. Apparently, I listen to "lesbian music."

2. My hair used to be very short.

3. I am alto, not a soprano.

4. I like to listen to Queen.

5. I like Monty Python.

Hey, I'm *almost* a lesbian!  4 out of 5 ain't bad.  I haven't figured out a way to lower my voice yet.

What a dolt!!

[Ko-Ko]

Based on those criteria, I'm a lesbian, too!  Won't my husband of almost 17 years be surprised?!

Yeah, I can name several people just off the top of my head who are just like that. It's ridiculous really.

[Ko-Ko]

Hey I just remembered! My forum name is the name of a *male* character from the Mikado! Wow, the evidence is really piling up!

[Chartreuse]

Hey I just remembered! My forum name is the name of a male character from the Mikado! Wow, the evidence is really piling up!

Well, either you're lesbian or a gorilla.  Your choice. 

[Lisbeth]

Tell him, "Joe, my sex life is not your business and I do not appreciate your making assumptions about it.  I am not willing to discuss it with you.  Please do not bring up the subject again."

[Ko-Ko]

Hey I just remembered! My forum name is the name of a male character from the Mikado! Wow, the evidence is really piling up!

Well, either you're lesbian or a gorilla.  Your choice. 

Either that or a Japanese baritone executioner who isn't really Japanese. Or a type of cereal. So many options!

[artk2002]

Hey I just remembered! My forum name is the name of a *male* character from the Mikado! Wow, the evidence is really piling up!

It sounds like your classmate should be added to "the list."

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list — I've got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed — who never would be missed!
There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs —
All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs —
All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat —
All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that —
All persons who on meeting you, insist that you're like that —
And all third persons who on spoiling tκte-α-tκtes insist —
They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!

Chorus.

He's got 'em on the list — he's got 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed.