I'm not. Really

[WithoutIssue]

CRUD MONKEYS! 1 though 5, all me (I can't sing but the 'noise' is definitely in the lower register).

Here my husband thinks I'm reading about etiquette and I'm really taking part in Lesbians Anonymous

[Virg]

Well heck, by your friend's criteria, I'm a lesbian.  And I'm male.  You all think you have a hard time telling your husbands that you're lesbians.  Try telling my wife that apparently she's one too, since she married one.

I agree with the others.  Tell him once more politely that it's not up for discussion and you don't want it brought up again.  The next time he brings it up after that is that last time you speak with him.  If it continues after that, address it as direct harassment.  Simple enough.

Virg

[amiboo]

1. Somebody mentioned a Melissa Etheridge song, and I mentioned within his hearing that it was a good song. Apparently, I listen to "lesbian music."
4. I like to listen to Queen.

I love Melissa's music! Queen, not so much. People are crazy! It's absurd to think that just because someone likes a g*a*y performer, they themselves are also g*a*y. I also love Ellen.  She's so funny.

2. My hair used to be very short.

3. I am an alto, not a soprano.

Of course no woman who wasn't g*a*y ever had short hair or a deeper voice.  Didn't you know?

5. I like Monty Python.

I had no idea that liking Monty Python was a sign of anything other than a really sharp sense of humor.  I guess I haven't been paying attention.

[thebadchemist]

You know, there are some people out there who believe that everyone should be out and open about their orientation. Regardless of orientation, I don't think announcements on sandwich boards are needed, thank you. It's our own business and our choice as to whether or not we feel the need to disclose it. Anyway, you can simply tell your classmate that it's none of his business and you don't understand why he's being so insistent about it. It definitely sounds like he's under the misguided impression that you're struggling to come out and that you need to be surrounded by a strong support group. I'm just a little surprised that he's so insistent even after being told that he's wrong.

I'm very much a tomboy from entertainment to profession. I've never been into overly feminine things and the "girliest" aspect about me is that I shriek when I see spiders. Hey! No judgment! I've actually been mistaken for a lesbian by a g*a*y man. He was one of my favorite TAs and thought that my ex-best friend and I were a couple. He asked, "Are you and [ex-best friend] still together?" and I looked confused because we were no longer friends, so I thought he was asking about that. After 30 seconds, it dawned on me what he meant and it dawned on him that I wasn't a lesbian, so he just went into stammering "Ummmmm... sooo... how about those Dodgers?" mode. The look on his face was priceless!

I only had two questions for him: 1) Being gay, shouldn't your gaydar be sharper? 2) Even if I were a lesbian, why would you think that I'd date her?!

[Bijou]

Hi everybody! I'm new to this forum, and I was hoping you could help me with a rather unusual problem. I am unfortunately aquainted with a person who has made a number of incorrect assumptions about me. One of these assumptions is that I am g*a*y. The following are some of the "evidence."

1. Somebody mentioned a Melissa Etheridge song, and I mentioned within his hearing that it was a good song. Apparently, I listen to "lesbian music."

2. My hair used to be very short.

3. I am an alto, not a soprano.

4. I like to listen to Queen.

5. I like Monty Python.

Now, obviously none of these things mean anything, (especially the last two examples, which involve g*a*y men, so I don't understand how that could have anything to do with me). The biggest problem is, I am pretty sure that he isn't trying to be a jerk. I believe that he really thinks he is trying to help me. He has also tried to get me to join the g*a*y-Straight Alliance. I have tried talking to him politely, but this does nothing. He has convinced himself that I am not true to myself or something stupid like that. In a way, it would be easier if he had been doing this to be a jerk, because at least I could just tell him to shove off. How can I get him to stop without looking like a jerk to someone who thinks he is helping? Thanks for reading.

Ok, since everyone else is looking at The Five Questons That Determine Sexual Orientation for Women, I have to join in...
I like at least one Melissa Etheridge song.
My hair used to be very short.
I can sing real low, and pretty high.
I really love Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think Monty Python is a neat name.
So, what does this mean? 
Stereotyping  is ridiculous.  A person is a person is a person. 

[JoyinVirginia]

Your acquaintance is making sweeping generalizations. From reading this forum, I hope you have picked up that most people find sweeping generalizations to be a faux pas - because everyone is different. I would suggest to your acquaintance that he must have been very sheltered to have such a narrow world view and such misconceptions, and perhaps he could do some research by visiting a local alternative bookstore or some similar activity. He can do this in lieu of pointless speculation about your personal life. In my experience wrong-headed people just want to engage you in debate so they can continue to talk and mostly reinforce their own misconceptions. The best way to deal with this person may be to totally ignore the person, even ignore direct questions or statements to you. Or just grunt in response. Do not engage in discussion. It sounds like a complete waste of your time to spend any energy on communication with this person.

I am married 20+ years. I have coworkers, friends, and relatives who are in same gender and different gender relationships. Here are some observations that contradict the misconceptions of your acquaintance:

1) My DH, me, and a same-gender female couple all went to see a Melissa Etheridge concert last summer. We also saw the Indigo Girls the summer before. It did not make me want to change my orientation. shocking, I know. Hanging around me and my husband also does not make my lesbian coworker want to change her orientation. Goodness!

2) My closest friend and neighbor, also married happily 25 years, has always had short hair. Most of the older married women in the church I attend have short hair. once again, this only means the person likes their hair short right now.

3) once again, all the altos in my church choir are married women.

4) Queen is my very favorite group in the world! Just because Freddie died from AIDS does not mean he was same sex oriented. The  tales of his backstage antics indicate he was willing to get it on with anyone, male or female, interested in a good time! But his long-term female partner nursed him through his final illness. My lesbian coworker, in contrast, cannot stand Queen but loves country music. So tastes vary.

5) There is a generational group of people in their forties and fifties who grew up with the most subversive thing on TV being Monty Python on the local PBS stations (in the US). Many of those people I personally know are hetero males, including my DH and his brothers. The younger g*a*y males I know just don't "get" Python the same way we older folks do. Many of their sketches involved "well-endowed" females in scanty clothing, that is why the guys initially liked it. Me, I just like to sing "Spam, spam, spam, spam..." It drives my kids crazy!!!

Hope this helps! you have received a lot of good ideas here.
joy in Virginia

[T'Mar of Vulcan]

I am unfortunately aquainted with a person who has made a number of incorrect assumptions about me. One of these assumptions is that I am g*a*y.

Boy can I relate. It really cheeses me off when people make that assumption.

Some of the "evidence" relating to me is:

1. I LOVE Melissa Etheridge! I have all her albums and DVDs and one of my favourite songs of hers is "Tuesday Morning". Oh, and I also like the Indigo Girls. GASP!

2. My hair is not even half an inch (1 cm) long. I look like a marine (which is okay because change the 'e' to an 'a' and you have my first name!!) But it's January here, which is the hottest month, and I take after my father in that I get physically *sick* if I get too hot. I hate sweating under my hair, so... when the school holidays started (early December) I went to the hairdresser and had her go nuts with the clippers. And you know what? I love it! I'm never going back to long hair again (my hair has been short for a few years, but never THIS short - it's great!).

3. I like Queer as Folk. The U.S. one. But come on, what's not to like? In every episode you see hot men without their clothes on!

4. I love Queen also. My father (who was about as macho as a man can be) also loved them. He used to say, "Play something by that band with that lead singer... uh... Eddie Murphy?" "Freddie Mercury, Dad." "Yeah, him!!"

5. I also like Monty Python. (I can sing the Galaxy Song from memory and often do!) I've never heard of this as being a sign that someone is g*a*y, though.

6. I like men's clothes: underwear, T-shirts, short-sleeved button-down shirts, jerseys (sweaters/jumpers). Women's clothes are just not as comfortable.

7. I'm not married and don't have a boyfriend - but what's worse - I'm not even *looking* for one! Gasp!! There MUST be something wrong with me!!!

8. Ah, the most damning evidence of all - I write slash stories. These are stories in which you pair up media characters (usually from TV shows) of the same gender in romantic relationships. So because I like to write about hot men getting together, *obviously* I must like women. Mr Spock would call that logic "seriously flawed".

I have (had?) a friend who assumed I was a lesb!an because I dared to speculate that a character in Star Trek might be g*a*y (she didn't turn out to be though) and because I told her I like Melisaa Etheridge. One day on the phone my friend said, "...and I would always consider you my friend, even if you tell me you're h0m0sexual." I said nothing because I was too stunned. She took my saying nothing as confirmation and after that would send me articles about "famous lesb!ans" I'd never heard of. Well, naturally that cheesed me off. I haven't spoken to her for a long time because of that. Why didn't I just deny it? That would be stooping to her level and assuming there is something wrong with being a lesb!an, and I don't think there is.

But sometimes I do think that I should just tell my nosey relatives that I am one - because at least then they would get off my back about getting married. But I dislike lying, so that's not an option.

Anyway... just to let you know, I empathise completely!

[Bethalize]

. How can I get him to stop without looking like a jerk to someone who thinks he is helping? Thanks for reading.

You have received many fine responses on how to handle this correctly, but if I were you I'd smile sweetly and say "Darling, just because I don't want to date you, it doesn't mean I'm a lesbian." And if he kicks off I'd smile sweetly again and say "I'm soooo sorry, I thought that you couldn't accept I'm straight because I wasn't interested in you." It is tried and tested, but it probably isn't the best you can do.

[Sharnita]

It would be tempting to say, "Well I'm not but the more time I spend around you the better it sounds."

[itiswhatitisn't]

I've always liked the line "I'm not one (lesbian), but at times I understand the inclination"  Paraphrased from the movie Boys on the Side.  And I do, at least until PMS hits and I don't think I could handle someone else's. 

[Yarnspinner]

Well, I have to call my best friend (a bona fide lesbian) and tell her that we can take our relationship to a new level because, given that criteria, I'm a lesbian, too. (Although her current girlfriend may have some objections to make about that. 

And T'mar, I don't write slash, but I have been known to read shounen-ai manga and my all time favorite fantasy novel is--"Swordspoint" which features several of my favorite things: hot guys kissing, sword fights, ritzy royals, sword fights, lots of costume changes, hot guys kissing, sword fights and underhanded political maneuvering.  Did I mention the hot guys kissing and the sword fights?  I didn't realize that made me a lesbian...I just thought it was the female equivalent of guys who like to see pix of women kissing.  How come doing that doesn't make THEM g*a*y??

[Hawkwatcher]

Does this man met any of the stereotypes that people generally have of g*a*y men?  Perhaps you can ask him how he would feel if someone decided to leap to conclusions about his sexual orientation based on such criteria.

[daybarb]

Umm, my DH and I both wear plaid flannel shirts!


oh, and by the way,
         
         Altos of the world, unite!!

         

[Scritzy]

Altos of the world, unite!!

Yeah, baby, YEAH!

<<Scritzy sings in her low alto voice>>

[T'Mar of Vulcan]

Did I mention the hot guys kissing and the sword fights?  I didn't realize that made me a lesbian...I just thought it was the female equivalent of guys who like to see pix of women kissing. 

Maybe you'd like Highlander slash then... I mean: swordfights, hot guys kissing, cool costumes, different time periods... you name it!

Highlander *ruled*, man!!