*slightly exasperated* Okay let me clarify some things. I am trying not to get triggered by the posts I feel put all of this on me bc the whole difficulty I had w/ my Dad was it felt like he expected me to do all of the adjusting and compromising and didn't acknowledge how difficult the entire situation was for me or how it affected me. If you're wondering why I'm so sensitive it might just have to do with the fact that I am still living in the house I grew up in, with my father (who's moving out next month), and I am (or rather was) the only female in the family now that my mom has died (she passed 4 yrs ago from cancer and it gutted the family).
1) SM did NOT give up her Xmas traditions for us this year it was a 50/50 split - Dad spent Xmas eve with her and her kids and their ILs. She did not martyr her own traditions for the sake of my breakfast, nor did I (or would I ever) ask for that. I wanted even time between families. As far as I know they don't even do xmas breakfast they focus on dinner. She really isn't much of a breakfast person anyway.
2) I do not begrudge my SM anything and I did not do anything on Xmas to make her feel unwelcome. I realize some of my previous bad feeling may have tainted the tone of my OP but I really really don't dislike this woman. I just don't know her well enough to really care one way or the other bc Dad did a very very
poor job of introducing her and his relationship
with her, which led to some very bad feelings esp. bc I am still mourning my mother. He's known her longer than I have, and yet he still expected me to magically feel the same way for her that he does. He would accuse me of not liking her and I kept telling him "How can I dislike someone I don't know?" I am really just trying to find a way to fit her into my heart, and not feel like I'm competing with her or losing him to her. But that is on him and me not her I know
. As it stands I will admit that my feelings about him/her may affect how I react to her words and actions but I have worked very
hard not to let them affect how I treat her.
3) I am not looking to 'rescind the olive branch' as someone suggested. I am not saying I don't want to invite her next time bc she doesn't like my food. My feelings about her coming next time are not born from a vindictive place I am actually trying to find a way for her to be more comfortable. If I knew I was going to an event where I would be one of the only people not enjoying the food (and the food was the main focus of said event), I would not really be looking forward to going and would be relieved if I knew I would not insult the host by not coming. Since she has her own family and her own traditions, I thought the best solution would be to let her off the hook by saying she was welcome to come but it was fine if she couldn't, especially since I think she only came to make Dad happy.
4) When I posted this I really wasn't looking for validation that she was a rude person or anything like that. This was not, not
meant to be a "Isn't my SM horrible and aren't I a martyr for putting up with her?" kind of thing! I'm sorry if people read it like it was. I suppose there are so many family horror stories on here that everyone who reads a post goes in assuming that battle lines must be drawn and sides must be taken. I am not asking for that in any way whatsoever. I have stepped back and examined it from a better place and I am just trying to find a way to make everyone as happy as possible. I am just frustrated with the way personal food preference is making things awkward during special occasions, and I wanted to know what *other* people do to deal with situations where someone doesn't like what is being served.
As a host I do not like the idea of one of my guests being uncomfortable bc they don't like most of the food, but since everyone else likes the food I've been serving (duh that's why I serve it
) I am not inclined to change the menu that much. Someone here suggested I invite her to bring a dish - I can see where that would be a good compromise, but OTOH I don't want to make her feel put upon to provide her own food. Again, in my mind: dish-host-has-prepared + little-to-no-work-on-guests-part = a gift and part and parcel when hosting a meal. Maybe in the future we will switch the tone of things from "my project" to "potluck". At any rate I have 11 months to figure it out...
PS: @WillyNilly - I was referring to my SM. Maybe picky isn't the right word. Basically I chose to describe her that way bc she does not like to eat most of my Dad's food (not just what I made, what he regularly offers her, what restaurants he suggests, etc.) I suppose her family thinks he is picky/quirky about food too. It really is a cultural thing - he has joked that he will have to take some "care packages" with him when he goes to live with her if she will be doing all the cooking. Or maybe I'll just give her my recipes idk...