Author Topic: Maintaining Boundaries? (asks my sister)  (Read 7360 times)

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RingTailedLemur

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Re: Maintaining Boundaries? (asks my sister)
« Reply #45 on: January 11, 2012, 11:54:48 AM »
But in that case, he'd be willing to marry her.

If this were a non-religious community, I'd say the "I don't want to ruin our friendship with romance" is a slow brushoff. It makes the brusher feel quite noble, and can be used to convince himself that he is not hurting the brushee any, because he's keeping the relationship, just redefining it on a higher plane. I think the same thing is going on here.

Yes, it sounds like that old chestnut, "I don't want to get too attached".

Twik

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Re: Maintaining Boundaries? (asks my sister)
« Reply #46 on: January 11, 2012, 11:58:15 AM »
The appropriate thing in this situation, I think, is to respond, "I thank you for clarifying your feelings. Unfortunately, I am too attached to you right now to be content with friendship only. If would be easier if we avoid contact for some time."
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nrb80

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Re: Maintaining Boundaries? (asks my sister)
« Reply #47 on: January 11, 2012, 11:59:34 AM »
I had this conversation with a friend the other day who is most definately not of a conservative religious background or a hands off dating approach, but quite the opposite.  It's the same scenario - the guy just isn't interested.  He may want to have his cake and eat it too, he might be a wimp and want to let her down "easily", he might be looking for someone better but wants a backup in the wings.  It's irrelevant - the only relevant piece is that each potential partner wants different, and mutually exclusive, forms of relationship.

Same advice I gave my friend - skip the drama, just decline, decline, decline, and don't invite him places.  Be polite, and cordial, but no more. 

Xallanthia

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Re: Maintaining Boundaries? (asks my sister)
« Reply #48 on: January 11, 2012, 12:15:14 PM »
He told me that he thinks we are perfectly suited for one another, have all of the right things in common (eg. perspectives on religion, family, finance, careers, etc.), he could see himself having a happy marriage with me, and he is very attracted to me. He then told me that he doesn't want a romantic relationship, but hopes we can continue on as  friends, because he is afraid adding a romantic element to the relationship will ruin it.

If he can't say the first part without saying also, "So let's make this official and start courting," he shouldn't have said any of it, and I'm betting on some level he knows that.  He needs to figure out what he's afraid of and either get over it, man up, and make it official, or back off on his own.  He does not get both.

Maya, I'm sorry this isn't working out, but the only thing you can do is back off.  Spend time with girlfriends and surround yourself with them in company, talk to your mentor if you have one, grieve the relationship and put it out of your head.  I'm sorry your hopes have been disappointed.

It's possible that as you back off he'll see what he's losing and change his mind, or that his mentor and male friends will smack some sense into him.  However, you can't count on this to make you happy, so go on as though you don't expect it. 

I wouldn't seek out the opportunity to tell him what you think, but if he asks, I wouldn't sugar-coat it either.  "I'm not interested in becoming close that way to someone who is not willing to commit to me.  I like you, but if you're not willing to move towards marriage, we can't continue the way we have been.  I wish you the best and look forward to seeing you at Group Event."

Reason

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Re: Maintaining Boundaries? (asks my sister)
« Reply #49 on: January 11, 2012, 12:42:12 PM »
The appropriate thing in this situation, I think, is to respond, "I thank you for clarifying your feelings. Unfortunately, I am too attached to you right now to be content with friendship only. If would be easier if we avoid contact for some time."

If she does say this, it will be a huge ego stroke to the guy. In fact he might easily assume that this means that when he comes around to being interested she will be eagerly waiting for him with open arms.

I am not sure that this is the message she would want to convey.

MerryCat

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Re: Maintaining Boundaries? (asks my sister)
« Reply #50 on: January 12, 2012, 12:51:07 AM »
The appropriate thing in this situation, I think, is to respond, "I thank you for clarifying your feelings. Unfortunately, I am too attached to you right now to be content with friendship only. If would be easier if we avoid contact for some time."

If she does say this, it will be a huge ego stroke to the guy. In fact he might easily assume that this means that when he comes around to being interested she will be eagerly waiting for him with open arms.

I am not sure that this is the message she would want to convey.

What if she modified it slightly to say, instead, "Thanks for clarifying your feelings. Unfortunately we want different things. I think we should avoid alone time so that I can find someone that I do click with romantically. Best of luck to you."

Winterlight

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Re: Maintaining Boundaries? (asks my sister)
« Reply #51 on: January 12, 2012, 09:10:32 AM »
The appropriate thing in this situation, I think, is to respond, "I thank you for clarifying your feelings. Unfortunately, I am too attached to you right now to be content with friendship only. If would be easier if we avoid contact for some time."

If she does say this, it will be a huge ego stroke to the guy. In fact he might easily assume that this means that when he comes around to being interested she will be eagerly waiting for him with open arms.

I am not sure that this is the message she would want to convey.

What if she modified it slightly to say, instead, "Thanks for clarifying your feelings. Unfortunately we want different things. I think we should avoid alone time so that I can find someone that I do click with romantically. Best of luck to you."

Reason makes a good point, and I think your modification is the better way to handle it.
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hobish

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Re: Maintaining Boundaries? (asks my sister)
« Reply #52 on: January 12, 2012, 02:53:57 PM »

Ooh, Reason, that is a really excellent point.

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ShadesOfGrey

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Re: Maintaining Boundaries? (asks my sister)
« Reply #53 on: January 13, 2012, 08:42:18 PM »
The words may be an ego stroke (though I don't see how, since she's saying she wants to avoid contact), but her actions -not inviting him anywhere and declining his invites, will be a huge deflation, so I don't think the wording is so important, as long as she sticks with her guns.
Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with shades of deeper meaning. - Maya Angelou

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou