Author Topic: Is it possible for a couple to remain friends after breaking up?  (Read 6279 times)

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Isometric

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Re: Is it possible for a couple to remain friends after breaking up?
« Reply #30 on: January 10, 2012, 10:30:11 PM »
It definitely depends on the people involved, why you broke up etc. I was friends with an ex but like in the relationship, we drifted apart because we had little in common. I don't wish him any ill will, but there's just nothing there any more.

On the other hand, my husband is very good friends with an ex from about 10 years ago. There was an initial awkward period but they shared the same friend group so they had to learn to be friendly. She came to our wedding, we went to hers, all is fine and as if they never dated. It took me a long time to get over it, but I'm an over-thinker. If one of the couple starts dating someone over sensitive (like me!  :-\) it could put some strain on the new relationship.

shhh its me

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Re: Is it possible for a couple to remain friends after breaking up?
« Reply #31 on: January 11, 2012, 12:52:14 PM »
  I think one of two things has to happen , either a break in contact for the relationship to transition or both people had to truly in their hearts  be completely  over the romantic part of their relationship at the time of the breakup(the second almost never happens)  Then it depends on personalites and dynamics. It's not a personal failure to not be able to be friends with an ex and it's not weird to be able to. 

artk2002

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Re: Is it possible for a couple to remain friends after breaking up?
« Reply #32 on: January 11, 2012, 06:47:26 PM »
Is it possible? Yes. Is it likely? It's pretty rare.

Although we've drifted apart since, my HS GF and I were good friends for quite a while. There was at least a year or two in there where we had little contact. My ex wife and I are friends, far better than when we were married. One of the things that keeps us relating well is trying to be supportive to our sons.

If it happens, it happens. Don't force it and especially don't try right away.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain

angilamae

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Re: Is it possible for a couple to remain friends after breaking up?
« Reply #33 on: January 13, 2012, 12:43:44 PM »
I've tried this with all my major boyfriends and trust me its tough.

First of all, I couldnt agree more about taking a break.  I did not do this and that just does not work.  It's too tough.  Someone always wants to get back together or things get slippery for awhile.  Take the break and see what happens.  By then you guys may not want to be friends anymore.

I'm decent friends with one now but we kind of grew apart for awhile but now we are chums again.  Another, moved to Arizona so it acutally helps with the just friends thing.

All in all i dont reccomend it.  If you are meant to be friends, you will be
I can resist everything except temptation-Oscar Wilde

wyliefool

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Re: Is it possible for a couple to remain friends after breaking up?
« Reply #34 on: January 13, 2012, 04:09:11 PM »
What everyone else said, esp. blarg. Painful disaster here. He was only friends w/ me because he intended us to get back together. When he finally realized that wasn't going to happen (took a long time!) he dumped me in the most obnoxious way possible, right after my grandmother died and I was already upset. Once I got over the shock and realized what he'd done, a lot of things that had happened over the years made sense, and I realized he was really an expletive deleted. And I was FURIOUS at being such an idiot. But in my defense I was young and inexperienced.

Now, my first bf I'm still friends with. Ours was more of a drifting apart mutual breakup. We didn't see each other as friends as much as when d@ting, or as much as Bad Ex above, but we talk on facebook and exchange holiday/bday cards. Of course it's been over 20 years now so that probably helps.

ETA--if this is 'busy schedule' dude I think I wouldn't bother if I were you.

shhh its me

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Re: Is it possible for a couple to remain friends after breaking up?
« Reply #35 on: January 13, 2012, 04:54:01 PM »
What everyone else said, esp. blarg. Painful disaster here. He was only friends w/ me because he intended us to get back together. When he finally realized that wasn't going to happen (took a long time!) he dumped me in the most obnoxious way possible, right after my grandmother died and I was already upset. Once I got over the shock and realized what he'd done, a lot of things that had happened over the years made sense, and I realized he was really an expletive deleted. And I was FURIOUS at being such an idiot. But in my defense I was young and inexperienced.

Now, my first bf I'm still friends with. Ours was more of a drifting apart mutual breakup. We didn't see each other as friends as much as when d@ting, or as much as Bad Ex above, but we talk on facebook and exchange holiday/bday cards. Of course it's been over 20 years now so that probably helps.

ETA--if this is 'busy schedule' dude I think I wouldn't bother if I were you.

I think OP is asking from the perspective is it reasonable that her BF is friends without romantic intrest with 3 of his exes.   It's possible , but I think it's also possible he collects "wounded birds" and these extremely vulnerable woman are still very dependant on him and he likes that.    Which would not be an example of a healthy friendship with an ex.   For some people being needed is more important then money , love or sex and can be very addictive.   There is nothing wrong with helping people but if the all the people in your life constantly need help IMHO that is a sign that you are unhealthy.

Sterling

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Re: Is it possible for a couple to remain friends after breaking up?
« Reply #36 on: January 13, 2012, 05:44:09 PM »
It depends on a lot of factors.

My fiance and I dated for over a year and broke up last year.  We didn't take a break we just moved straight to friends.  And we were friends.  No scrabble or anything.  But after 6 months of being friends we wanted to try agian.  6 weeks of dating the second time around and we are engaged.  We are weird and this is not the way things go.

My maid of honor was dating my fiance when I met him.  She introduced us and their relationship fizzled out.  It wasn't painful for either of them.  They just realized they liked hanging out but were not really attracted to each other that way.  The three of us hung out all the time at that point and they would hang out just the two of them.  He and I started dating a few months later. They are still great friends and sometimes hang out alone.  The best woman dated the groom for 6 years.  She moved they couldn't stand the long distance thing.  they talked and realized they wanted different things out of life.  They have been good friends for about 4 years now.  She and I get along great and I went out to visit her by my self while he and I were broken up.

Agian we are not the typical story.  I would suggest examining the feelings of the couple.  If either still is interested in the other romantically a friendship will never work.
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Marbles

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Re: Is it possible for a couple to remain friends after breaking up?
« Reply #37 on: January 14, 2012, 01:53:22 AM »
Is that "let's be friends so that I can feel better about breaking up with you"?
Or "let's be friends because I'd like to keep your number in my phone in case I need a quickie?"
Or "let's be friends because I really respect your morals and intellect even though we have these incompatibilities that make continuing as a couple impossible"?

The first two? Right out. The third? Only if you want to also.

What if you felt it was not a good idea, but the guy you dated wanted to do this? How would you tell him?
"No." "I don't want to." "That doesn't work for me." You

Tia2

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Re: Is it possible for a couple to remain friends after breaking up?
« Reply #38 on: January 15, 2012, 12:51:23 PM »
I think this is a 'how long is a piece of string' question.

If a relationship ends because both parties realise they make better friends than partners, then I think after a short break (as PPs say, it is a good idea to get out of 'coupley' habits), it's easy to be friends with that person.

If there was a shattering breakup involving infidelity and flung crockery, then I suspect it would be the dumper who wants to 'remain friends' either because (s)he wants a booty call or because (s)he can then tell everyone (and him/herself!) that the behaviour wasn't so bad - we're still friends after all.  It only makes matters worse when the dumpee thinks that if he/she pretends to just want to be friends, the ex will realise what is missing and come running back.

peach2play

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Re: Is it possible for a couple to remain friends after breaking up?
« Reply #39 on: January 18, 2012, 10:35:55 PM »
Depends on how hard the breakup was, on the nature of the relationship and on the people involved.  To stay friends, there must be no expectations of getting back together.

E and I dated for 3 years, but there were no great feelings involved, we hung out and had a great time, but both of us were agreed that we were too young to be too serious.  I got a job in Chicago and had to move in a week and a half.  We broke up but remain good friends to this day.  We also work together and sit a few cubes apart.  We have no desire to ever be together again, but that is because we are different people and want very different things out of life now. 

J and I dated for 2 years, and the breakup was very, very bad.  To this day, his friends can't even mention my name in his presence with out him throwing a fit (I'm a horrible person because after paying for almost everything in our relationship I wouldn't buy him a house).  Anyway, we will never be friends, and probably will never be able to be in the same room together. 

Two very different examples, but the honest answer is it depends.

Reader

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Re: Is it possible for a couple to remain friends after breaking up?
« Reply #40 on: January 19, 2012, 01:18:42 AM »
It definitely depends on the people involved, why you broke up etc.

POD and I also think it depends on the depth of feeling you had for the person and time you spent with them. 

lollylegs

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Re: Is it possible for a couple to remain friends after breaking up?
« Reply #41 on: January 19, 2012, 02:43:11 AM »
I'm going to be the voice of dissent because I've stayed friends with all of my exes.  Ex-Boyfriend 1 was a high school relationship that didn't translate into adulthood; I made an effort to stay friends with him because a) he's a great guy, and b) I love his family. Ex-Boyfriend 2 and I broke up when he moved overseas; we catch up whenever he's in the country.  Kinda Ex-Boyfriend 3 is now one of my best friends; we broke up when we realised the chemistry between us was platonic, not romantic.

The overriding theme here is that there was no emotional reason for any of these break ups - no inexplicable dumping, no cheating, no 'It's not you it's me but I'll call you when I want a little something something.'

So, having said all that, I'll now say this: if you don't want to be friends with him, don't.  You don't owe anyone your friendship. Someone else said to wait three months and see if you still want to be friends, and I think that's an excellent suggestion.

Portugal79

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Re: Is it possible for a couple to remain friends after breaking up?
« Reply #42 on: January 24, 2012, 08:02:13 PM »
yes it is possible. i dated a guy when i was at university, for a while. very nice too. but the hassles of student life and the fact we both worked made it very difficult. so in the end we broke up but since we were in the same classes and had to see each other all the time, we had to be civil and we became good friends, not best friends but good friends...but the tension for for first three months was unbearable.

now when we gradualted we spoke about trying again as i was still burning a torch for him and i know he was still keen on me. but i had to move back home, when we did finally see each other a few months later. well to be honest we had grown up and become adults and all romantic chemistry was gone. but we were still good friends. he got married 3 years ago and i was a guest at his wedding. so it is possible

MissRose

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Re: Is it possible for a couple to remain friends after breaking up?
« Reply #43 on: January 30, 2012, 10:34:00 AM »
I am no longer in contact with my ex boyfriend.  He simply said he could not handle being friends with me after we gave it tries at being friends several times.  We simply lost touch, and that is fine with me. 

One of my male friends, his long time girlfriend broke up with him recently.  They are trying to remain friends. But they had some road blocks especially regarding long term commitment & who would move where due to distance among other things.  They were a couple for 3.5 years.

My sister has to remain civil with her first ex husband as he is the father of their children as they share custody.  I think things work out better for them that way.  She remained friends with her 2nd ex husband for some time, but I haven't heard her mention him, plus if they are still friends or not I do not know & do not plan to ask her if that is so.