Etiquette School is in session! > "What an interesting assumption."
When someone thinks your age makes you less than her...
lowspark:
It sounds to me that it's more the condescention that's bothering Dark Sister than the actual comparison to undergrads. If FSIL had said the same thing in a normal tone, would it have been as annoying?
In any case, I would probably ask, "relate to what?" And if she gave me a response that indicated that she put me on the same level as undergrads (in some kind of negative way), I'd probably laugh and say something like "Oh, being in law school has made being an undergrad feel like ancient history. So, no, I really can't relate."
Mental Magpie:
--- Quote from: lowspark on January 13, 2012, 11:00:27 AM ---It sounds to me that it's more the condescention that's bothering Dark Sister than the actual comparison to undergrads. If FSIL had said the same thing in a normal tone, would it have been as annoying?
In any case, I would probably ask, "relate to what?" And if she gave me a response that indicated that she put me on the same level as undergrads (in some kind of negative way), I'd probably laugh and say something like "Oh, being in law school has made being an undergrad feel like ancient history. So, no, I really can't relate."
--- End quote ---
I think so too. From what Dark Sister told me last night, this is a common theme with FSIL when talking to Dark Sister. I can give more details if someone thinks it may be relevant.
WillyNilly:
--- Quote from: Dark Magdalena on January 13, 2012, 11:16:21 AM ---
--- Quote from: lowspark on January 13, 2012, 11:00:27 AM ---It sounds to me that it's more the condescention that's bothering Dark Sister than the actual comparison to undergrads. If FSIL had said the same thing in a normal tone, would it have been as annoying?
In any case, I would probably ask, "relate to what?" And if she gave me a response that indicated that she put me on the same level as undergrads (in some kind of negative way), I'd probably laugh and say something like "Oh, being in law school has made being an undergrad feel like ancient history. So, no, I really can't relate."
--- End quote ---
I think so too. From what Dark Sister told me last night, this is a common theme with FSIL when talking to Dark Sister. I can give more details if someone thinks it may be relevant.
--- End quote ---
Condescending comments are never nice, or appropriate.
But sometimes it helps to frame a reference. FSIL is probably accustomed to socializing with professionals who closer to her age and being a position of authority over people 15-20 years younger who are still students. She is now is a position where she is supposed to see Dark Sister as a peer - because of family ties - but its totally against her grain because in every other arena of life someone such as Dark Sister would not be her peer. FSIL might really be struggling (perhaps even subconsciously) with that disconnect.
figee:
--- Quote from: WillyNilly on January 13, 2012, 11:25:56 AM ---
--- Quote from: Dark Magdalena on January 13, 2012, 11:16:21 AM ---
--- Quote from: lowspark on January 13, 2012, 11:00:27 AM ---It sounds to me that it's more the condescention that's bothering Dark Sister than the actual comparison to undergrads. If FSIL had said the same thing in a normal tone, would it have been as annoying?
In any case, I would probably ask, "relate to what?" And if she gave me a response that indicated that she put me on the same level as undergrads (in some kind of negative way), I'd probably laugh and say something like "Oh, being in law school has made being an undergrad feel like ancient history. So, no, I really can't relate."
--- End quote ---
I think so too. From what Dark Sister told me last night, this is a common theme with FSIL when talking to Dark Sister. I can give more details if someone thinks it may be relevant.
--- End quote ---
Condescending comments are never nice, or appropriate.
But sometimes it helps to frame a reference. FSIL is probably accustomed to socializing with professionals who closer to her age and being a position of authority over people 15-20 years younger who are still students. She is now is a position where she is supposed to see Dark Sister as a peer - because of family ties - but its totally against her grain because in every other arena of life someone such as Dark Sister would not be her peer. FSIL might really be struggling (perhaps even subconsciously) with that disconnect.
--- End quote ---
This. I wonder how FSIL usually speaks. Is there a mannerism, accent, tone which causes her to sound condescending when it isn't meant that way? I'm a college professor and my DH says that sometimes I sound condescending, snobby and so on when really, I'm thinking very carefully about what to say, trying to explain something clearly or if I don't know someone and I'm uneasy (and so really watching what I'm saying). It's a habit held over from teaching and lecturing and having what I say deliberately or accidentally misinterpreted with disastrous results (most notably when I was accused of being a Nazi sympathiser AFTER a full hour of discussion on the Holocaust and medical experimentation, Nuremberg Trials and the resulting and necessary development of a stringent code of research ethics). I can see myself reaching out to someone like DarkSister in much the same way and accidentally offending.
Mental Magpie:
So I misunderstood the conversation that FSIL and Dark Sister had. Now that I understand it, it's worse.
Pretty much, FSIL was talking about how she didn't like how her students dressed because it portrayed their immaturity, that it was inappropriate, et cetera in front of Dark Sister who was pretty much wearing those exact types of clothes (out of four items, for example, she was wearing three). FSIL then, in trying to explain a particular outfit, looked at Dark Sister and said, "Well, you understand" in a condescending tone.
figee - I've been accused of that, too. Usually I'm just trying to explain something in great detail so others understand, but I've been told it comes across as if I think they're stupid. I really try to make sure I don't over-explain things anymore.
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