How do deal with boyfriend's busy personal & work schedule

[snugglegirl05]

I am trying to find an appropriate way to deal with my boyfriend's busy personal & work schedule & find a way for us to have more time together.

He lives at an apartment complex that only allows guests to stay a total of 10 days per month. If a guest stays more than 10 days a month, then that person has to contribute to the rent, & he will be asked to rent a one bedroom apartment. He lives in an efficency apartment. He does not want me staying 6 or more days a month because he is afraid that if I do that, he might get a warning by the apartment manager.

He tends to forget after we make plans to get together that he made plans for a previous engagement. A couple of times we had to reschedule our plans to get together because of this.

He works part-time. The company he works for gives him a work schedule, but there have been times when he has been called to work on a day that he is not working when we had made plans to get together. This has happened a couple of times.

We really do not spend enough time together, & this is frustrating for me. What is an appropriate way for me to approach this subject?

[ilrag]

Being called to work is it's own issue.  I assume he needs the money and that job and some times your job gets in the way of things you want to do.

Everything else - it sounds like he's not making spending time with you one of his top goals. You can ask him if he's doing it on purpose, and tell him how you feel about it.

[Deetee]

I haven't read the book and I'm not a fan of posting things I haven't read, but "He's just not into you".

Find new boyfriend who doesn't make up excuses to avoid you.

[Reason]

That's a little harsh.. He could be genuinely busy. How long have you been dating?

[penelope2017]

I sort of agree with Deetee.

This post taken with the several others the OP has posted regarding her BF and his various obligations and interests and exgirlfriends that compete with her for his time and attention give me the impression that she is much more invested in this than he is.

[Xallanthia]

If the complex says 10days/month is OK with them, go with it.  Also, TBH, a lot of places say that but then they don't have any way of knowing that the person is there that much.  Does the complex have a record of every time you stay over?  I suppose some places with doormen might have this.  Even without that, "only stay overnight 10 nights/month" is not the same as "only come over 10 days/month".

He needs to get his schedule sorted so that he's not making plans with you and other friends on the same day.  When he does do that, how does he decide which to keep?  If it's some fair method, like "keep the first made," that might be OK; but if he always chooses his friends, that's a bad sign.  Does he have an ipod touch or a smartphone?  Get him to use the calendar app.

Either way, you need to sit down with him and address this because it's only going to make you crazy otherwise.

[Teenyweeny]

Well, be proactive. From the tone of your post, I assume you have been together a short while, maybe a few months?

Try this:

"BF, I'd really like for us to spend more time together. I know we're both busy, but it's important to me to spend time with you."

Then plan a few meetings. You can go to his place up to 6 times a month? Great! And could he come to yours? Could you go out for dinner or drinks? Set up your dates for the next week at the start of each week, so he can plan around them.

When you set up a meeting, ask him specifically if he has work or social plans that would conflict with your date, so that he doesn't forget.

If after a month of this, he blows off dates because he forgot about other plans, or for any other reason other than a genuine emergency (which includes getting called into work), it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship.

ETA: Of course, his lease shouldn't say anything about whether or not you can visit if you aren't sleeping there. If you say you'll be gone by 11pm, and he still throws up excuses, that's a bad sign.

[NyaChan]

 
Maybe a sit down where you describe the situation as you see it - that boyfriend doesn't value the plans he makes with you and has on multiple occasions canceled plans with you to see other people.  Explain that it hurts you and makes you feel as if he doesn't want to spend time with you.  I don't think the apartment thing or the work obligations are something you should complain about since they are out of his hands.  Work = money for living expenses = obligatory.  As for the apartment, why do you always have to stay over at his place?  If you not being able to stay there is a huge bar to spending time with him, you should try having him over at your place.  Also - how does the apartment building define staying over?  Could you just spend time with him there until late in the evening and then leave?

After you discuss your concerns and see what changes he is willing to make (be prepared for the possibility that he may not want to make time for you), step back for a bit.  See what he does with the information you gave him and whether he follows through.  Other posters have pointed out that you may be more invested than he is in the relationship.  I would also point out that often, people's expectation for what a relationship entails will differ.  I would decide for yourself how much time you expect to be able to spend with the person you are dating - if your boyfriend doesn't meet that minimum, then look at whether he has other qualities that outweigh that expectation. 

[WhiteTigerCub]

I honestly doubt the landlord is keeping track of single days here and there where you might stay over night. It would be obvious if someone were staying 'a lot'  and especially if it was more like 10 conseutive days in a row. If he makes a huge deal over that one issue, it could be more that he really likes his personal space and is not ready for the 'committment' that staying overnight together entails.

I've been dating a busy father of two for a couple of months. There are times when he makes plans with me but occasionally has the plans change because he has to take care of his kids on short notice.  It makes me feel a bit sad that he has other obligations besides me, but really when it comes down to it, I like him for the great dad that he is and so I'll take a figurative step back and think about what I'd like to do for the night by myself and make the best of the time.  Basically I take the mindset that I'd love to see him, but it's just not always possible to get everything we want at the time we want it.

"Sweetie, I know with your schedule it's sometimes tough for us to get together, but I really enjoy when we can spend time together. Can we work something out to make up times when you have to go into work on short notice?"

[Searcher]

Well, I think you have multiple issues here:

1) Having to work on short notice:  Not too much that can be done about that-other than securing a promise to make up the lost time.

2) Forgetting about/blowing off existing dates for other reasons:  Talk to him, non-confrontationally, and let him know that this is hurtful to you.  Maybe he's not good at remembering scheduling in general-you might offer to send him reminders or suggest using some type of calendar system (again, gentle suggestions and not pressure).

If he's resistant to that, it might be as well to re-evaluate your relationship with him.

[NyaChan]

BTW as far as expectations go - if there were no restrictions on nights over, how many nights were you planning on spending there?  Even the maximum of 10 days a month in a 4 week month is 2 nights/week + 2 extra days of sleeping over.  Then add in the time you spend over there without sleeping over + nights he sleeps over at your place + time he spends with you at your place without sleeping over + time you spend together outside your homes.  That seems to be a lot of time together depending on how far into the relationship you are.  Increasing the nights over can give people the illusion/experience of living together - he may not be ready for that.

[jmarvellous]

If I were in your shoes, I would try the following for each issue you've brought up.

1. Say, "BF, I don't feel like we spend enough time together. Six days a month is your own arbitrary, overzealous rule. I'd really like to spend as many nights over here as possible. If you're not comfortable with me staying at least 10 nights (which, as an aside, is standard apartment lease language but not something I've ever seen enforced), I have to ask: Is there a reason you don't want me here?"
(Also, proactively, invite him to your place frequently, if that's possible.)

2. Say to BF, "I feel disrespected when you forget about other plans, then always go with the plans you forgot about rather than hang out with me. I think it's really important that you keep a better schedule to respect both me and other people in your life. Can you make an effort to keep a better calendar, and to include me when you remember something you've forgotten?"
(Proactively offer to help him get a paper planner or get a cellphone planner set up, if he has a smartphone.)

3. Say to BF, "Is there any way you can get a more firm work schedule? It's tough to have to rearrange my life for your work."
(Proactively, be understanding. He can't control this one!)

If he doesn't show your concerns genuine respect and understanding (and act immediately on the first one), then I would consider ending the relationship. Ignoring these things when clearly and respectfully stated shows he doesn't feel at all the same about them as you do. But perhaps he'll surprise you!

[Amava]

When you *are* together, do you feel like he wants to be there, and like he wants you to be there?

When he has to cancel for whatever reason, does he seem sad and frazzled about it?

When you have to say goodbye for a while, or when you casually say something like "aww man I wish we had more time together", do you get the impression that you are on the same page feeling-wise?

[Reason]

I reconsidered my original position. I actually think it is time to find a new relationship. If he really wanted to see you, he would find a way to see you instead of insisting on arbitrary schedules.

So, I think that you want more than he is willing to give at the moment and you would both be better off with someone who more closely matches your needs for interaction or lack thereof.

Even if you convince him to spend more time with you, he will very likely be secretly unhappy about it and that's not good for anybody.

[Deetee]

I also want to add that at a few months in, a relationship should not feel like work.