How do deal with boyfriend's busy personal & work schedule

[NyaChan]

I reconsidered my original position. I actually think it is time to find a new relationship. If he really wanted to see you, he would find a way to see you instead of insisting on arbitrary schedules.

So, I think that you want more than he is willing to give at the moment and you would both be better off with someone who more closely matches your needs for interaction or lack thereof.

Even if you convince him to spend more time with you, he will very likely be secretly unhappy about it and that's not good for anybody.

I think that this is a bit premature.  There are any number of possible things that may be going on here that could still allow the relationship to continue - The boyfriend may not realize that OP is not happy with the way things are.  A talk about it may be a wakeup call.  OP might be expecting more than most people would consider realistic and choose to adjust her expectations. 

Basically, I think we'd need more information from OP about how the boyfriend handles canceling his plans with her and for what reasons he does it to say that he is arbitrarily dictating when she can see him.

ETA:  knowing how long they have been going out would help too

[Moray]

First, ((hugs)). I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Hon, is this the same boyfriend who has an ex-girlfriend that calls obsessively every time you're over there? The guy that became friends with a girl in his apartment building and then committed to helping her "deal with it on her own" when she was assaulted by a mutual friend?

If so, it sounds to me like he does not know how to build healthy rel@tionships with appropriate boundaries.

I have to agree with Reason when he advises to find someone else. This guy may like you, he may enjoy spending time with you, but if he really wanted to be in a rel@tionship with you, he would make the time. He would stop making excuses and imposing arbitrary limitations on your interactions and instead make your rel@tionship the priority.

If this isn't the same guy, it may be worth sitting down and having a non-confrontational discussion about expectations, but if he continues to make excuses, you ought to be considering whether or not you are willing to have to beg to spend time with him.

[WillyNilly]

First off why do you two always have to stay at his place or even sleep over?  I mean don't get me wrong I'm not trying to impose celibacy on you if that's not what you want, but dating and sleeping over are two different things.  often they coincide but they aren't the same thing.  People can have wonderful, loving relationships while sleeping in separate homes 20+ nights a month.

As for the forgetting your dates, he should use a calendar.  That's what grown-ups do, they track their plans.  Paper, electronic, virtual, whatever there are infinite options available.  Its ok to be hurt when he forgets about you - and yes forgetting he's going to be seeing you is straight up forgetting you.  Think on that for a bit.  You are worth more then that and its ok to put your foot down and say so.

[bopper]

That's a little harsh.. He could be genuinely busy. How long have you been dating?

He certainly can, but the OP may also not be interested in someone who has that limited amount of time to spend on her.
He is prioritizing, as is his right, but the OP can decide that she does not like his prioriities.

At this point in your relationship you should be trying to show off your best selves.

As Dr. Phoprah says, "When someone shows you how they are, believe them."

[Merry Mrs Martin]

   I'm going to included a lot of "if" .  The answers are not my business so I'm not asking but would greatly effect my answers so I'm trying to clarify with different scenarios.


This is a touch crass but I don't know you or you personal set of ethics.   You can spend the night 6 nights a week means " you can come over and have sex 12 times a month but you need to be gone by 10pm 6 out of 12 times" then I would take it as "he's not that into to you"  If he gets called in for work includes a secondary pattern then I would be concerned.  IE  on nights off you plan to rent movies  and stay home or you are treating he is rarely or never called in but on night when you plan to go to dinner or the movies or met a friend he often cancels then I would be concerned.  Does he get called into work while you are with him? and/or does he walk to another room/whisper to take the calls.    If you were a friend IRL I would know the answers already and would perceive the situation more clearly.

Now leaving the ifs off  regularly canceling because he doubled booked is very rude an inconsiderate.  He either says yes to everyone and then cancels , which is immature and mean and probably wont change or he is just not that into you.   You can choice to have a relationship with a person who is immature about scheduling but you have to take the reins " BF , we are going to the movies on Friday.  Did you promise anyone else(name names) to do something that day? do you have off work? I will be metting you at x time in B place. IF you cancel I will be angry with you" and you'll probably have to repeat this each day. I personally wouldn't do it.

Work actually calling him in is not something he can control unless he gets a different job.

To me it's a red flag that he is allowed to have you over 1 nights but wants to limit it to 6 , I could see 9 if he is a very ridged rule follower but 6 just sort of screams " I want to limit my time with you " and  either"I don't know how to communicates that effectively" or " I want the best of both world.  I only want to see you 6 times a month but I enjoy the benefits that come with a relationship the requires more then 6 days of month investment" 


ETA to add my comment from OP other thread....
I think it's also possible he collects "wounded birds" and these 3 extremely vulnerable woman are still very dependant on him and he likes that.    Which would not be an example of a healthy friendship with an ex.   For some people being needed is more important then money , love or sex and can be very addictive.   There is nothing wrong with helping people but if the all the people in your life constantly need help IMHO that is a sign that you are unhealthy.

[LifeOnPluto]

Slightly off-topic, but how does the apartment complex enforce the "10 days per month" rule for overnight guests? Is there a security desk downstairs that you have to sign in with or something?

And how do they define "overnight" anyway? I mean, what if you stay until 3am then leave? Does that still count as overnight?

[Dazi]

The only experience I've ever had like what you are describing, is when the guy is cheating.

I am not saying that is the case, but cynical me believes it a really good possibility.  Especially since he keeps getting called into work and telling you can't be over that much...it just raises really big red flags.

One is because there are rules about how many hours a part time employee can work (depending on state/country) and two is because I can't see a landlord keeping track of how often guests stay over.

Some qualifying questions:

How long have you been dating? 

2-4 months...have you met his friends?  Gone out with them at least a few times?

4-6 months...have you met his family?  Been invited to dinner? Holiday type things?

Does he go in the other room to answer phone calls? Whisper? Hang up abruptly?
 

These are just my own guidelines, yours may vary.

(((Hugs))) just because I am sure you are at the very least frustrated...and some virtual hugs can't hurt.

Good luck

[cheyne]

Is this the BF you have been seeing since April, with the ex with cerebral palsy?  So if I have my math right, it's been about 8-9 months.

I am trying to find an appropriate way to deal with my boyfriend's busy personal & work schedule & find a way for us to have more time together.

He lives at an apartment complex that only allows guests to stay a total of 10 days per month. If a guest stays more than 10 days a month, then that person has to contribute to the rent, & he will be asked to rent a one bedroom apartment. He lives in an efficency apartment. He does not want me staying 6 or more days a month because he is afraid that if I do that, he might get a warning by the apartment manager.

Unless you are required to sign in/out with dates and times, how would the apartment management know how many times you had stayed overnight?  Your BF wants to limit your staying over to 6 days or less a month, or a little over once per week.  Have you been staying over more than that and this is a new development, or has it been this way for the entire time and you want to stay over more now?  If you would be there 10 nights per month, that's basically every third night (or both nights every weekend).  Your BF may see that as more of a "living together" situation that he is not ready for.

He tends to forget after we make plans to get together that he made plans for a previous engagement. A couple of times we had to reschedule our plans to get together because of this.

You two had plans to do something and he forgot, made plans with someone else, then made you reschedule?  That is rude on his part, and shows a remarked lack of caring for you, your time and your feelings.   He is not making you his priority, or if he actually forgot your plans and made others, he would reschedule his other plans because your plans were made first and because you are his girlfriend (and should be a priority).

He works part-time. The company he works for gives him a work schedule, but there have been times when he has been called to work on a day that he is not working when we had made plans to get together. This has happened a couple of times.

If he is called into work when you have plans, there is nothing he can do about that except go to work.  With the economy the way it is, there are several others who would take his job if he didn't show up when needed. 

We really do not spend enough time together, & this is frustrating for me. What is an appropriate way for me to approach this subject?

You believe that the two of you don't spend enough time together, he may think that you are spending enough time together.  You sound like you are at different points in the rel@tionship.  You want to move forward and he either wants to stay the same pace or move back.  The best bet is for you and BF to talk about the rel@tionship, where you each think it is going and what you both want.  If your wants/ideas about the rel@tionship aren't compatible, you may need to move on.

[JoyinVirginia]

He sounds busy, and that is a fact of life for most people I know these days. He also may value his alone time, and want time on his own to recharge. You just have to talk to him about ,your expectations and his expectations of what is enough time to spend together. If there is a big difference, then see if compromise is possible

[sparksals]

That's a little harsh.. He could be genuinely busy. How long have you been dating?

I don't think its harsh at all.   I was thinking the exact same thing. E  If he was into the OP he wouldnt forget they have dates and make plans with others when he had plans with her.   

[Merry Mrs Martin]

That's a little harsh.. He could be genuinely busy. How long have you been dating?

I don't think its harsh at all.   I was thinking the exact same thing. E  If he was into the OP he wouldnt forget they have dates and make plans with others when he had plans with her.   

I think this is an issue no matter the rest of the circumstances , excluding "he cancels when his friends are in dire situations". 

 I wouldn't think " my BF only likes to see me about 10 days a month(assuming 6 days at his place and 4 other dates" was weird(it may be a compatibility issue for OP but it's not hinky). I would think it weird if he said " I want you to spend the night ,but  you know my landlord only allows guest 10 nights a month. It's the 29th and you're at 6 already so you have to go/I can't see you tonight".  That just rings as really really untrue to me.     I don't think it's odd that the lease has that clause most leases have a "if a guest stays more then X days , then Y will happen." I've not actually seen a landlord act on that clause unless they lived in the building(and that is normally limited to nagging) or it was extreme abuse of guests. 

[Searcher]

Slightly off-topic, but how does the apartment complex enforce the "10 days per month" rule for overnight guests? Is there a security desk downstairs that you have to sign in with or something?

And how do they define "overnight" anyway? I mean, what if you stay until 3am then leave? Does that still count as overnight?

I would guess that they enforce it by increasing rent due.  And how they define it-probably by looking for indications that another person is staying there long-term, like using the laundry facilities, using communal areas, parking, watching to see comings and goings from the apartment, and so on.

[miranova]

Everyone is busy. 

We all have choices about how to spend our downtime.  And no offense to the OP's BF, but if his only commitment is one part time job, he already has more free time than most (unless I'm missing info about schooling or kids or something).

It's his choice how to spend his downtime, but OP has choices too.  Does she want to have a relationship where her BF prioritizes plans made with friends over plans already made and confirmed with her?  I don't care how busy he legitimately is, that's rude and disrespectful.  You could try talking to him, but honestly if I have to explain to someone that making plans with me and then constantly cancelling them is rude, I'm probably just going to skip that whole conversation and find someone who already knows that it's rude to do that. 

I agree with whoever said that it's not supposed to be this much work in the beginning.  I'm not going to have conversations trying to "change" someone I'm dating into becoming more respectful of me and our time.  Either I really love who he already is as a person or I don't. 

[Redsoil]

I guess the question is - does this relationship make you happy, or does it give you extra stress leading to unhapiness more often than the good times?

Figure that bit out first.  Then figure out what both you and your boyfriend want out of the relationship.

After that, you'll have a clearer idea about how to handle things.

[threepenny]

I am still trying to wrap my mind around the idea that a landlord can control how often a guest stays over.  If I am paying rent, whomever I choose to be there, whenever, is my business, regardless of the frequency.  As long as that person is not causing problems, that makes no sense whatsoever.

That being said... sorry, OP, if he is "forgetting" plans with you, I wouldn't place too much faith in the relationship.  I am usually the first person to call people out for saying "dump him!" but, in this case...

I would say he obviously is either a) totally oblivious; b) careless; or c) wants you around only when he has nothing else going on.

Unfortunately (and I hate to say this), the latter seems the most likely.

You deserve better.