Author Topic: How do deal with boyfriend's busy personal & work schedule  (Read 17208 times)

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mechtilde

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Re: How do deal with boyfriend's busy personal & work schedule
« Reply #30 on: January 18, 2012, 06:55:17 AM »
Regarding the guest staying over- yes it absolutely can be the Landlord's concern, as there can be legal issues involved if an extra person lives there. Which I don't really want to get into here.
NE England

JeanFromBNA

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Re: How do deal with boyfriend's busy personal & work schedule
« Reply #31 on: January 19, 2012, 02:46:37 PM »
I agree with Mechtilde; at some point, a guest becomes a tenant and it creates consequences for landlord, tenant, and other tenants. So, yes, there very well could be a limit to guests staying overnight. 

As to the question in the OP:  Find a boyfriend who makes you a priority.  Or better yet, find rewarding activities that you can invest your time and energy in.  Work, charity, hobbies, family all offer the potential for emotional rewards that may be a better payoff than le boyfriend.

bah12

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Re: How do deal with boyfriend's busy personal & work schedule
« Reply #32 on: January 19, 2012, 05:22:18 PM »
While I can understand why some posters are jumping to the conclusion that your BF isn't that into you, I don't really think it's fair to say that without knowing any of the people involved.  I was extremely busy with work, volunteer activities and other friends when I met my now DH.  I certainly wouldn't have appreciated it if he decided that the limited time we spent together at first was because I wasn't into him.  That wasn't the case. I wanted to spend more time with him, but found it difficult when I was working all the time and had committments to a charity organization, a sister who needed my help with her kids while her DH was deployed and my best friend's wedding to help plan.

So, assuming that he's just legitimately busy and genuinely forgetful (and assuming you've been together over 6 months), this is how I would handle your situation.  First, you have to decide what your priorities are.  Obviously, you want to spend more time with your BF and it's more time than he's currently giving you.  So, is the time that you do spend together truly joyous?  Does he act like he wants to be with you when you are together?  Does he seem upset when you can't spend time together?  Is the amount of time what's more important or how the time you have together is spent?  In other words...what do you want more quality or quantity? 

So if the time you do spend together meets your quality standards but you want more time together...either to progress the relationship or get to know him on a deeper level, then calmly and non-confrontationally let him know that's what you want.  You don't want to approach him in an accusatory "you're not spending any time with me" manner, but more like "BF, it hurt my feelings the other night when you canceled our plans.  I was really looking forward to spending that time together.  Is there anything I can do to help you deconflict your schedule so that you don't have to cancel our dates?"  Maybe one of the solutions is that you can hang out with him and his friends sometimes. 

If, on the other hand, the problem is the time you spend together doesn't meet your quality standards, then you have a whole other issue.  In this case, I would suggest thinking long and hard about what you're getting out of the relationship and if you think there's change on the horizon.  I once broke up with a guy that I really liked.  We spent a lot of time together, but all we did was hang out at his house, or mine, watching movies.  He wasn't interested in going out much.  When I thought about it, I realized our conversations weren't all that deep and I wasn't getting a lot of our relationship.  I considered what it was about him that I liked and basically it boiled down to the fact that I was physically attracted to him and like the idea of him liking me.  Balancing that against what I really wanted out of a serious relationship and he wasn't it. 

At the end of the day, you need to decide if the amount of time you spend together is a real issue (and it seems like it is).  I'd be prepared that he may not be able to find a way to incorporate you into his life any more than he has.  Whether that's because his feelings aren't as strong as yours or it's just bad timing, is really irrelevant.  If you're not getting what you need/want and if talking to him about it doesn't bring you any resolution, then you should be prepared to walk away and find someone that can meet your needs. 

A friend once told me "The right guy at the wrong time is the wrong guy".  And truer words could not have been spoken.

Calypso

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Re: How do deal with boyfriend's busy personal & work schedule
« Reply #33 on: January 19, 2012, 05:56:56 PM »
I am still trying to wrap my mind around the idea that a landlord can control how often a guest stays over.  If I am paying rent, whomever I choose to be there, whenever, is my business, regardless of the frequency.  As long as that person is not causing problems, that makes no sense whatsoever.
 

Without getting too far into legalities, it has to do with liability and trying to avoid renters letting people live in the apartment who aren't on the lease or rental agreement. However, I've never had a landlord really get too excited about people who were really just visitors.

As for the OP, I don't have any insight, but I'm sorry you don't get to see your sweetie as much as you would like to. Le sigh.   :-\

threepenny

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Re: How do deal with boyfriend's busy personal & work schedule
« Reply #34 on: January 20, 2012, 09:28:56 AM »
I am still trying to wrap my mind around the idea that a landlord can control how often a guest stays over.  If I am paying rent, whomever I choose to be there, whenever, is my business, regardless of the frequency.  As long as that person is not causing problems, that makes no sense whatsoever.
 

Without getting too far into legalities, it has to do with liability and trying to avoid renters letting people live in the apartment who aren't on the lease or rental agreement. However, I've never had a landlord really get too excited about people who were really just visitors.

As for the OP, I don't have any insight, but I'm sorry you don't get to see your sweetie as much as you would like to. Le sigh.   :-\

Guess it varies by landlord.  My former landlords couldn't have cared less about how often my-then BF stayed over; I moved into my ex's apt. without his consulting the landlord first and the landlord had no problem with it; my SO now has two rentals - one of his tenants moved his girlfriend in.  SO had no issue with that whatsoever.  His take on it is that as long as the rent is being paid and they are not creating excess noise, etc., it doesn't matter to him whether one or two people are sleeping there.  I honestly don't see how spending the night x amount of days per week is any more of a liability than a renter having guest at some other time.

But I don't want to get into legalities, either, so will just say that I would NEVER live in a rental in which my landlord for one second thought that s/he could control what happened in the personal space for which I am paying (barring, of course, illegal activity or things that really bothered the neighbors).

The ONLY time I have ever seen a landlord get involved with excessive guests was when my former neighbor moved out, did not tell the landlords, then proceeded to pass out copies of not only his key to his apt., but keys to the main entrance, to various people at various times and, basically, let them treat the place as a hotel.  Landlady found out, located him via questioning of one of the myriad "guests" (who were apparently under the impression they were staying there with landlord consent) and he was evicted the next day.

But, back to the OP... while I WAS one who said it didn't seem as though the BF prioritized her at all (I base this more on "oh, we had plans? I forgot..." situations than the number of overnight stays), I will play devil's advocate and say it IS possible that the BF is just not one who WANTS overnight guests all the time.
« Last Edit: January 20, 2012, 09:30:33 AM by threepenny »

Surianne

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Re: How do deal with boyfriend's busy personal & work schedule
« Reply #35 on: January 20, 2012, 09:51:31 AM »
Threepenny, the limit on guests is fairly common in some places.  I'm in Ontario and it's something I've seen in my leases pretty often, especially with student housing, and there are very good reasons for it.  So while you're outraged by the concept, it's also not that unusual, and I wouldn't assume the boyfriend is being deceitful right off the bat.  He may be just a letter of the law sort of person, and find it troubling to make a promise in the lease and not uphold it -- I know to me, especially since I like my landlord and he's gone to bat for me in the past, I'd consider it lying and violating the landlord's trust to have my girlfriend over more often than specified in the lease. 

While I can understand why some posters are jumping to the conclusion that your BF isn't that into you, I don't really think it's fair to say that without knowing any of the people involved.  I was extremely busy with work, volunteer activities and other friends when I met my now DH.  I certainly wouldn't have appreciated it if he decided that the limited time we spent together at first was because I wasn't into him.  That wasn't the case. I wanted to spend more time with him, but found it difficult when I was working all the time and had committments to a charity organization, a sister who needed my help with her kids while her DH was deployed and my best friend's wedding to help plan.

So, assuming that he's just legitimately busy and genuinely forgetful (and assuming you've been together over 6 months), this is how I would handle your situation.  First, you have to decide what your priorities are.  Obviously, you want to spend more time with your BF and it's more time than he's currently giving you.  So, is the time that you do spend together truly joyous?  Does he act like he wants to be with you when you are together?  Does he seem upset when you can't spend time together?  Is the amount of time what's more important or how the time you have together is spent?  In other words...what do you want more quality or quantity? 

So if the time you do spend together meets your quality standards but you want more time together...either to progress the relationship or get to know him on a deeper level, then calmly and non-confrontationally let him know that's what you want.  You don't want to approach him in an accusatory "you're not spending any time with me" manner, but more like "BF, it hurt my feelings the other night when you canceled our plans.  I was really looking forward to spending that time together.  Is there anything I can do to help you deconflict your schedule so that you don't have to cancel our dates?"  Maybe one of the solutions is that you can hang out with him and his friends sometimes. 

If, on the other hand, the problem is the time you spend together doesn't meet your quality standards, then you have a whole other issue.  In this case, I would suggest thinking long and hard about what you're getting out of the relationship and if you think there's change on the horizon.  I once broke up with a guy that I really liked.  We spent a lot of time together, but all we did was hang out at his house, or mine, watching movies.  He wasn't interested in going out much.  When I thought about it, I realized our conversations weren't all that deep and I wasn't getting a lot of our relationship.  I considered what it was about him that I liked and basically it boiled down to the fact that I was physically attracted to him and like the idea of him liking me.  Balancing that against what I really wanted out of a serious relationship and he wasn't it. 

At the end of the day, you need to decide if the amount of time you spend together is a real issue (and it seems like it is).  I'd be prepared that he may not be able to find a way to incorporate you into his life any more than he has.  Whether that's because his feelings aren't as strong as yours or it's just bad timing, is really irrelevant.  If you're not getting what you need/want and if talking to him about it doesn't bring you any resolution, then you should be prepared to walk away and find someone that can meet your needs. 

A friend once told me "The right guy at the wrong time is the wrong guy".  And truer words could not have been spoken.

I think this is wonderful advice, and some great questions to ask.  Figure out how much time or what kind of time (bah's "quality" concept) is necessary for you in a relationship, and see if it jives with how much togetherness *he* wants, and there's a starting place for deciding what to do about the relationship

camlan

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Re: How do deal with boyfriend's busy personal & work schedule
« Reply #36 on: January 20, 2012, 09:53:29 AM »
In the US, landlords usually pay for the water used in their apartments. So an extra person who stays the night frequently uses more water than is budgeted for--showers, flushing the toilets, laundry, etc., in addition to just more general wear and tear on the building. There may be another car to be parked--many complexes don't have a lot of extra spaces for guests, so the other tenants begin to get grumpy that a "visitor" spot seems to be permanently taken by the same guest day after day. Laundry facilities are designed to meet the needs of the anticipated residents--having extra people living there informally means that there aren't enough machines to go around. It's not that one single person extra in a complex is going to make that much difference, but if you let one person have a semi-permanent guest, you have to allow all your tenants the same privilege. And not to get too far into legal matters, but some states have limits on how many unrelated people can occupy the same dwelling, and landlords have to comply with those laws.

Most of the leases I've had have some restriction on how long a person can stay in the apartment until they are considered a "new tenant." But I've never had a problem. The one time I thought there might be an issue--my brother was staying with me for a month in between duty stations--I just let the landlord know and he was fine with that.

The only time I've ever heard of this type of clause being used against a tenant was once when the tenant was undesirable in many, many ways and the landlord used the fact that the tenant had multiple family members and friends spending the night constantly, thereby breaking the lease, as one more piece of ammunition to evict the tenant.
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jmarvellous

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Re: How do deal with boyfriend's busy personal & work schedule
« Reply #37 on: January 20, 2012, 10:24:51 AM »
In the US, landlords usually pay for the water used in their apartments. ...(trimmed quote)

The only time I've ever heard of this type of clause being used against a tenant was once when the tenant was undesirable in many, many ways and the landlord used the fact that the tenant had multiple family members and friends spending the night constantly, thereby breaking the lease, as one more piece of ammunition to evict the tenant.

I have lived in about 9 apartments and duplexes and rental homes and have never had my water paid for, so I think the first part of your statement is hardly true nationwide -- I think it really varies based on individual landlords. In the case of large apartment complexes that had landscaping watering needs or a pool, that portion of the water cost was divvied up among apartments but did not have anything to do with the number of tenants, just the number of bedrooms in a unit.

I do agree with the last part of your post, in that the only time I've heard of people being pursued for issues with non-residents staying over is when it became a nuisance to other residents, who complained. And I have known people who've been towed from a resident-only or restricted parking situation, but I've never seen the person they were visiting evicted or even really impacted.

WillyNilly

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Re: How do deal with boyfriend's busy personal & work schedule
« Reply #38 on: January 20, 2012, 02:51:20 PM »
There are laws about how many people in certain size apartments - OP says her boyfriend lives in an efficiency apartment - in many places those are single occupancy.  And really none of this is here nor there - some landlords for various reasons restrict visitors (for example if you live in public housing in NYS there are definitely restrictions on how many and who can live in the apartment, and if you live in senior housing add to that how old the residents are) and some landlords don't care.  But all that matters in this situation is that the boyfriend has a landlord who cares - we can't even begin to speculate why - budget?  Law? To exert power and authority? The possibilities are endless and immaterial - it doesn't matter why, the issue isn't with the landlord its between OP and her boyfriend.

Wordgeek

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Re: How do deal with boyfriend's busy personal & work schedule
« Reply #39 on: January 20, 2012, 04:02:36 PM »
Please stay on topic.  In particular, stay away from the legalities.

JoyinVirginia

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Re: How do deal with boyfriend's busy personal & work schedule
« Reply #40 on: January 22, 2012, 01:06:18 PM »
Bf is busy with work, friends, hobbies, multiple interests. Bf may require downtime or solitude to "recharge his batteries" . He needs time to clean and do the laundry. The dh and I were fortunate that e did not have to spend all our free time with each other. Like bah posted, it is the quality of the time together that masters, not just the quantity
Hope you and bf can come to agreement

Knitterly

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Re: How do deal with boyfriend's busy personal & work schedule
« Reply #41 on: January 22, 2012, 01:57:16 PM »
Answering your direct question, I would sit down and have a talk with him about how it makes you feel when he cancels or reschedules because of other plans.  Also discuss that you are hurt by his overzealousness in not wanting you over more than 6 days when the apartment rules allow for 10 days.  Those are the only two issues you can fairly discuss.

Perhaps you can reach a compromise of having him stay at YOUR place instead of you staying at his place all the time.  Maybe you could alternate weekends?  One weekend at your place, the next at his, and so on.  That would keep you at his place less than 6 days a week and still give you a chance to be together.

That said, I agree with some of the other posters about a few red flags, but not necessarily just with him.   The most important question is, how long have you two been dating?  If you've only been dating a few months, it is entirely possible that he feels things are going too fast and wants to slow them down but doesn't want to hurt your feelings or push you away.  If you've been dating much longer than that, then there could be other reasons at play.

Ask him to be honest with you about his wants and needs in the relationship.  Lots of relationships work when partners have limited time together, but only if both parties can communicate.  Stick to "I feel" statements, both good and bad.  "When you ___, I feel ___."  "When you cancel our plans, I feel hurt."  "When you call me out of the blue to say you love me, I feel special." 

shhh its me

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Re: How do deal with boyfriend's busy personal & work schedule
« Reply #42 on: January 22, 2012, 04:56:54 PM »
Bf is busy with work, friends, hobbies, multiple interests. Bf may require downtime or solitude to "recharge his batteries" . He needs time to clean and do the laundry. The dh and I were fortunate that e did not have to spend all our free time with each other. Like bah posted, it is the quality of the time together that masters, not just the quantity
Hope you and bf can come to agreement

I think issue isn't the amount of time but his explanation of the amount of time. It seems he is telling OP "Well I would like you to spend the night more but  it's my landlord that wont let you"  (if OP was staying 9 and 10 times a month I could see a person just being a rule follower and it's possible his landlord starts complaining if someone has overnight visitors 5 night and he is intimidated by that ) IF he is being deceitful about his motives , I think that's huge issue.  If he is hiding  he needs down time behind " I can't have you over for reason out of my control" , IMHO that's leading someone on.  Neither "I want to see you 6 days a month" or " I want to see you 20 days a month" is wrong. It may be a compatibility issue , hiding a compatiblity issue IMHO is a huge deal.

JoyinVirginia

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Re: How do deal with boyfriend's busy personal & work schedule
« Reply #43 on: January 22, 2012, 11:34:04 PM »
Bf is busy with work, friends, hobbies, multiple interests. Bf may require downtime or solitude to "recharge his batteries" . He needs time to clean and do the laundry. The dh and I were fortunate that e did not have to spend all our free time with each other. Like bah posted, it is the quality of the time together that masters, not just the quantity
Hope you and bf can come to agreement

I think issue isn't the amount of time but his explanation of the amount of time. It seems he is telling OP "Well I would like you to spend the night more but  it's my landlord that wont let you"  (if OP was staying 9 and 10 times a month I could see a person just being a rule follower and it's possible his landlord starts complaining if someone has overnight visitors 5 night and he is intimidated by that ) IF he is being deceitful about his motives , I think that's huge issue.  If he is hiding  he needs down time behind " I can't have you over for reason out of my control" , IMHO that's leading someone on.  Neither "I want to see you 6 days a month" or " I want to see you 20 days a month" is wrong. It may be a compatibility issue , hiding a compatiblity issue IMHO is a huge deal.

Very good points, Mrs. Martin. Only OP can decide if BF IS telling her about his needs in a way she can't fully hear, or if he is hiding compatibility issues, or maybe both.