When people ignore your requests

[RuneGuardian]

Why is it people will completely ignore you when you ask them to do or not to do something? I hate to call my mom's boyfriend out again in another topic, but I must. Sometimes he'll ask me if I would like something to eat, and more often than not I politely refuse because I'm not hungry at that time or I'm doing something and do not want to stop, or any other reason. More often than not, he disregards my request and brings me something anyway. It's nice of him, but when I say I'm not hungry, I'm not jut kidding. Of course when I try to say that I actually did NOT want something, he gets very huffy. Tonight I was feeling a bit under the weather and I had a small meal and went back to sleep. A couple hours later I got woke up and asked by BF if I wanted something to eat, to wich I said "no". I guess to him, "no" sounds exceedingly similar to "yes" and some time later I got woke up a second time and given food. I was not particularly hungry, but I still ate it because I knew BF would throw a tantrum if I said I wasn't hungry.

Do these kinds of people think they're being some kind of saint when they blatantly dieregard someone's request? Or am I the one being rude?

[Suze]

If he makes you something that you don't want, you could always accept it, get up, wrap it up and put it back in the fridge.  Tell him thank you for fixing my lunch tomorrow.

As far as being woke up to be given food. That is just plain rude.

Don't eat something to be polite, or not to make someone "huffy"

It is *your* tummy and you should know when it is hungry. (If I eat and lay down, you can bet I will be up again within an hour "releaving" myself of said food.)  And If you wake me up It. Is. Not. Pretty.

Sounds like BF is a very controlling man.

[Chocolate Cake]

I don't think I'd make a point of discussing this with your Mom's BF.   Not eating any of what you are given each and every time will make more of an impression than any conversation.   To maximize the message, don't even pick up your fork, don't pick at the food, etc.  Just push it away to the side or immediate get up and set it on the kitchen counter next to the sink.

With regard to your BF, however, fire away; first for waking you up when you are sick and secondly for bringing you food when you said "no".

[RuneGuardian]

Thank you for the replies. Unfortunately, my mom always encourages me to just go along with whatever BF says or does to not risk upsetting him. He's not violent or anything, but she gets paranoid that he'll up and leave if we make him mad (very long story).

[Irish Clovers]

If I may be so bold to say, if he would "up and leave" because you didn't feel like eating something you were being forced to.....good riddence.  He doesn't seem like good BF material.

I apologize if I overstepped my bounds but coming from two BAD relationships with two VERY controlling men, it just burns my hide to hear other women putting up with it.

[kkl123]

Thank you for the replies. Unfortunately, my mom always encourages me to just go along with whatever BF says or does to not risk upsetting him. He's not violent or anything, but she gets paranoid that he'll up and leave if we make him mad (very long story).

Two points:

1) If he "ups and leaves if you make him mad", I wouldn't want him... but that's me - I don't walk on eggshells. 

2) It's pretty common for folks who don't know what to do for you when you're not feeling well to fuss at you.  And for those of us who don't want to be fussed at, it's a major trial.  I'm one of the "I'm going to bed and don't bother me unless you're sure I'm dead."  Did not go over well with DH... in fact, I think at one point I offered to remove his hand from my forehead and beat him with it if he didn't quit feeling my #@#$@ forehead. He finally got the message, and checks in with me when I'm sick only when he sees the eyes actually open.  Smart  man.    And since he likes being fussed at when he's sick, I make sure to make a few passes through the bedroom offering oranges and cough syrup and chicken soup.  He's happy, I'm happy.

You don't stand a chance of getting what you want unless you clearly communicate with your partner.  Preferably not as abruptly as I did.

[Bethalize]

Why is it people will completely ignore you when you ask them to do or not to do something? I hate to call my mom's boyfriend out again in another topic, but I must. Sometimes he'll ask me if I would like something to eat, and more often than not I politely refuse because I'm not hungry at that time or I'm doing something and do not want to stop, or any other reason. More often than not, he disregards my request and brings me something anyway.

Three possibilities. One, they think you will change your mind at the sight of the delicious food. Two, it is a control mechanism. Three, they are the sort of narcissist who thinks everyone has to be thinking and feeling whatever they are at that moment (because other people aren't real).

I say stand your ground. Do not eat when you're not hungry and blow the tantrums (another control mechanism).

[T'Mar of Vulcan]

Do these kinds of people think they're being some kind of saint when they blatantly dieregard someone's request? Or am I the one being rude?

No, you are NOT. I was re-reading The Gift of Fear due to something mentioned in another thread and it mentions this exact thing. Men in Western society are trained (by TV, the various other media, etc.) not to believe a woman who says no. Especially when, if they disregard the no, the woman allows it - which changes the no into a yes.

I think the author of that book would say that since you said no, you do NOT accept anything from this guy. If he beings you food, put it back in the dining room. If he asks why, tell him you said no. And keep doing it.

I'm one of the few people I know who can keep on saying no despite being harrassed to change my mind. I'm known as stubborn and inflexible. And you know what? I don't care. I've never had to worry about my health or safety because I said no and some man disregarded it.

[Lunadiana75]

I'm one of the few people I know who can keep on saying no despite being harrassed to change my mind. I'm known as stubborn and inflexible. And you know what? I don't care. I've never had to worry about my health or safety because I said no and some man disregarded it.

AMEN SISTER!  I have been called all that and more because I will stand my ground.  When I say No, I mean No!  And no, I will not give in to your (general you) or anyone else's demands "just to keep the peace".  Guess what?  I don't get harassed or bothered very much, and never for very long. 

[Clara Bow]

I think that man must be kin to my stepmother in law. She has not yet learned what the word no means...I have had to bodily drag her out of my kitchen to get her to leave things alone after she's been told no. And she will literally put plates of food in front of you, when you've strenously refused them. And she gets "wounded" when you refuse to eat.
I just ignore her injured look and the food. One day she will get it....I hope....

[Suze]

BTW - If he is Mom's Boyfriend -- WHAT is he doing in YOUR bedroom anyway.  That just sounds icky.  (If he is YOUR boyfriend, that might be a different story.)

I think that if it were the former I would be looking into a lock on my bedroom door.  If for nothing else some "alone time" without having food stuffed in my face that I don't want. (I can see it now -- him sliding  a sandwitch under the door -- once slice of bread appears then some meat, another slice of bread. then the potato chips (crisps?) one at a time)

I have yet to get my own Mom to realize that "I don't feel good, leave me alone" does not mean charging into my room every 5 min and asking if she can get me something or do you want anything.
 
Mom I have a cold and feel icky - I am not trapped in a body cast and can't do anything for myself. Go Away. (I love her, but sometimes ......)

[Gileswench]

Add me to the list who are concerned by the fact that this is your mother's boyfriend and she's so nervous about him leaving if he doesn't get his way. It may be an over-reaction caused by our not knowing the situation better, but that combination sets every nerve in my body on alert.

If he's really that controlling and she's really that afraid of displeasing him, it's not a healthy situation for any of you.

[Tabris]

Is he a physical threat to you if you don't eat his food?

If not, I'd let him moan and holler and threaten to leave.

If he is, then eat the food, and find a way to move out as quickly as possible. Definitely get the lock on your bedroom door, but then he'll probably pound on the door repeatedly.