Author Topic: Come keep us company at expensive event - and don't forget your wallet!  (Read 4555 times)

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NOVA Lady

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I am a little confused....if I asked some friends of ours if they'd like to come along to an event with us I wouldnt think to offer to pay for 1/2 their ticket or buy/cook them dinner beforehand.

Also, it would be no one's business what we ate before the event and who/how the tickets were purchased.

I guess I am not getting why they "owe" to 1/2 your expenses for something your DH really wanted to go to....or to feed you dinner?

lolane

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I agree with most everyone that it was not rude of them to not offer to provide you with dinner or pay for part of your ticket. I do agree too, that it was rude that they didn't offer you at least something (drink, dessert, snack, etc.)

skbenny

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Had it been entirely up to me, I would have turned down the invitation, but DH really wanted to go.  He lets people like these walk all over him and calls ME the rude one if I protest.

I'm wondering who you are really mad at, the couple who invited you or the husband who insisted you go?

The couple were not rude.

From your post I think you do not have a problem with the couple, but a misplaced anger problem with your husband.

CarpeFelis

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First of all: to all who are jumping on the flame bandwagon, please read the thread a little more closely.  You seem to have missed my "I stand corrected".

Second: I did not think they OWED us anything.  Had they offered to pay for our tickets, we would have said no.  Had they offered to feed us anything more than a very cheap dinner, we would have said no or offered to split the cost.  All I wanted was the gesture.  Because they were asking us to do something that would be a financial imposition IF WE SAID YES.  Yes, I totally GET that we could have said no.

Re the backstory: Yes, there have been other incidents, although I have thankfully been only an observer for most.  This couple uses people.  Whenever they have a major decision to make, they invariably pick the option that clearly screams "train wreck" to everyone around them - and then they're shocked when it does indeed turn into a train wreck.  And have no shame whatsoever about letting others bail them out.  Over and over and over, even though they're in their mid-30s - early 40s.  Every time I hear their names, it's yet another story about their latest foul-up.  And it's usually a get-rich-quick scheme.

jimithing

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First of all: to all who are jumping on the flame bandwagon, please read the thread a little more closely.  You seem to have missed my "I stand corrected".

Second: I did not think they OWED us anything.  Had they offered to pay for our tickets, we would have said no.  Had they offered to feed us anything more than a very cheap dinner, we would have said no or offered to split the cost.  All I wanted was the gesture.  Because they were asking us to do something that would be a financial imposition IF WE SAID YES.  Yes, I totally GET that we could have said no.

Re the backstory: Yes, there have been other incidents, although I have thankfully been only an observer for most.  This couple uses people.  Whenever they have a major decision to make, they invariably pick the option that clearly screams "train wreck" to everyone around them - and then they're shocked when it does indeed turn into a train wreck.  And have no shame whatsoever about letting others bail them out.  Over and over and over, even though they're in their mid-30s - early 40s.  Every time I hear their names, it's yet another story about their latest foul-up.  And it's usually a get-rich-quick scheme.

Actually, I did read the entire thread before jumping on the "flame bandwagon", and felt that I still had the right to respond to the OP and give my 2 cents.  Especially since you made a side comment, which still implied that you believed that they were wrong not to invite you to dessert with them.

After reading the posts again, so I can say I actually read the thread, I still don't understand what the issue was.  You know they are not in a very good financial situation yet you still expect them to offer to pay for something for someone else they can't afford, and then even if they DID offer you would say no?  Maybe they were concerned that if they offered you would actually say yes, which doesn't seem to be an unreasonable assumption, to something they couldn't afford. It seems like this was a situation based on assumptions and mind reading that didn't pan out in your favor, unfortunately. 

sparksals

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Re: Come keep us company at expensive event - and don't forget your wallet!
« Reply #20 on: August 01, 2007, 12:50:52 AM »
First of all: to all who are jumping on the flame bandwagon, please read the thread a little more closely.  You seem to have missed my "I stand corrected".

Second: I did not think they OWED us anything.  Had they offered to pay for our tickets, we would have said no.  Had they offered to feed us anything more than a very cheap dinner, we would have said no or offered to split the cost.  All I wanted was the gesture.  Because they were asking us to do something that would be a financial imposition IF WE SAID YES.  Yes, I totally GET that we could have said no.

Re the backstory: Yes, there have been other incidents, although I have thankfully been only an observer for most.  This couple uses people.  Whenever they have a major decision to make, they invariably pick the option that clearly screams "train wreck" to everyone around them - and then they're shocked when it does indeed turn into a train wreck.  And have no shame whatsoever about letting others bail them out.  Over and over and over, even though they're in their mid-30s - early 40s.  Every time I hear their names, it's yet another story about their latest foul-up.  And it's usually a get-rich-quick scheme.

CarpeFelis,

I see you are relatively new here.  I get the impression that you're not happy with the answers you received.  I don't think you've been flamed at all.  This members of this board are very honest in their responses and if you post something for everyone to read, you have to expect dissenting opinions to yours.  Just because everyone disagrees with you doesn't mean you are being flamed. 

In terms of etiquette, which is the focus of this board, you were presumptuous.  It also appears from above that there are hard feelings with this couple.  When we only have a small portion of the story, it is hard for everyone to get the entire picture.   

CarpeFelis

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Re: Come keep us company at expensive event - and don't forget your wallet!
« Reply #21 on: August 01, 2007, 01:09:40 AM »
Quote
In terms of etiquette, which is the focus of this board,

Well then, can someone please explain to me the appropriateness of this comment on this board?

Quote
From your post I think you do not have a problem with the couple, but a misplaced anger problem with your husband.

After an attempt to psychoanalyze me, I should not feel even slightly picked on?

Wordgeek

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Re: Come keep us company at expensive event - and don't forget your wallet!
« Reply #22 on: August 01, 2007, 01:12:47 AM »
the flame bandwagon

No one is flaming you.  Please reread the forum guidelines: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=2.0


MadMadge43

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Re: Come keep us company at expensive event - and don't forget your wallet!
« Reply #23 on: August 01, 2007, 01:21:50 AM »
Carpe,

I do see a situation in which if I was invited to something as a "stop gap" measure I would expect some sort of hospitality. Girlfriend needs me to attend drinks with a blind date, I'd expect her to buy me a few drinks. I have to attend my friend's son's ballet recital, so she doesn't have to go alone, well, then I'd want a lot of drinks.

I think the way they worded the invitation with "keep us company" could be interpreted that they needed you to be there for them, but I don't really think that's what the invitation was. So therefore they did no wrong.

I do think that if you were to pick them up to drive them to event and wait for them while they served desert that they should have offered you some. Unless of course it was individual special made desert served in very small portions. But even then I'd have asked if you'd like to split some.

I've been on the end where I can't get my point across very clearly, and even sometimes I'm just plain wrong. You can't take it personally- the board is for learning and growing and believe me we've all learned somethings.

sparksals

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Re: Come keep us company at expensive event - and don't forget your wallet!
« Reply #24 on: August 01, 2007, 01:24:19 AM »
Quote
In terms of etiquette, which is the focus of this board,

Well then, can someone please explain to me the appropriateness of this comment on this board?

Quote
From your post I think you do not have a problem with the couple, but a misplaced anger problem with your husband.

After an attempt to psychoanalyze me, I should not feel even slightly picked on?

CF - After you've been here for awhile, you will see that people do make suggestions as to the real cause of the ill feelings.  For instance, someone will post she is mad as heck at her MIL, but she is really angry at her DH because he takes his mother's side instead of standing by and defending his wife. 

It is not an attempt to psychoanalyze you.  Since you're so new here, perhaps it may be helpful for you to read some of the archives to get a feel for the flow of the board.  You're really taking offense when none was intended.

You asked.  We answered.  You didn't like the responses.  You need a thick skin here.   

NOVA Lady

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Re: Come keep us company at expensive event - and don't forget your wallet!
« Reply #25 on: August 01, 2007, 09:06:35 AM »
First of all: to all who are jumping on the flame bandwagon, please read the thread a little more closely.  You seem to have missed my "I stand corrected".

Second: I did not think they OWED us anything.  Had they offered to pay for our tickets, we would have said no.  Had they offered to feed us anything more than a very cheap dinner, we would have said no or offered to split the cost.  All I wanted was the gesture.  Because they were asking us to do something that would be a financial imposition IF WE SAID YES.  Yes, I totally GET that we could have said no.

Re the backstory: Yes, there have been other incidents, although I have thankfully been only an observer for most.  This couple uses people.  Whenever they have a major decision to make, they invariably pick the option that clearly screams "train wreck" to everyone around them - and then they're shocked when it does indeed turn into a train wreck.  And have no shame whatsoever about letting others bail them out.  Over and over and over, even though they're in their mid-30s - early 40s.  Every time I hear their names, it's yet another story about their latest foul-up.  And it's usually a get-rich-quick scheme.

So now if DH and I are doing something that could to be expensive to some and we ask people if they'd care to come along (not force them to come along, simply ask)....we're somehow resposible for at least offering to foot the cost of the event for them?

Would you expect them to offer something if THEY paid for the tickets? If so...why is it any of your business that they recieved a gift from their parents.

Also...what exactly constitutes a financial imposition. Last night when we asked some friends (who are not well off) if they would like to see the Simpsons movie with us....should we have offered to buy them popcorn? If I ask my friends if they'd be interested in trying  a new restuarant with us...should we offer to pay?

I am really not getting why it was an imposition to just ASK. They didn't force you to go....if you're upset about the cost the blame belongs with your DH....who ***wanted**** to go. THEY don't know the particulars of your finances. If you cannot afford something, politely say no. I believe the same conclusion was reached in the destination wedding thread. An invitation is not a demand.

I also see that you don't really seem to think much of these people, why are they your friends?

twinkletoes

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Re: Come keep us company at expensive event - and don't forget your wallet!
« Reply #26 on: August 01, 2007, 09:48:02 AM »
"Also...what exactly constitutes a financial imposition. Last night when we asked some friends (who are not well off) if they would like to see the Simpsons movie with us....should we have offered to buy them popcorn? If I ask my friends if they'd be interested in trying  a new restuarant with us...should we offer to pay?"

Good point.  And never mind the etiquette of presuming "oh, you can't afford THAT!"  I think that would be incredibly patronizing for someone to say "Oh, I know you don't have two pennies to rub together - I'll pay for X."  (Of course, if one wants to be generous and polite, one would just buy the bucket of popcorn and insist "Please have some - I'll eat the whole thing otherwise!")

And then there's the fallacy of assuming someone is poor.  I guess I'm cynical, but I know too many people who "cry poor" when, in fact, they could easily afford whatever it is that is up for purchase.  I read parts of "Millionaire Next Door" - I'll never look at someone in scruffy clothes the same way again!

IndianInlaw

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Re: Come keep us company at expensive event - and don't forget your wallet!
« Reply #27 on: August 01, 2007, 05:08:39 PM »
How did you get roped into driving?

caranfin

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Re: Come keep us company at expensive event - and don't forget your wallet!
« Reply #28 on: August 06, 2007, 03:01:10 PM »
Well, it was definitely rude of them to eat dinner/dessert in front of you!
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.

BittyB

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Re: Come keep us company at expensive event - and don't forget your wallet!
« Reply #29 on: August 06, 2007, 08:41:10 PM »
Well, it was definitely rude of them to eat dinner/dessert in front of you!

That depends on whether or not they were early.  If one is being picked up for a joint event, one should be finished eating by the pick-up time.  If one plans to be done eating at 10 minutes before pick-up time and the picker-upper is 15 minutes early, you still finish your dessert so you can go.

However, they should have been offered a glass of water or something like that upon being let into the house.