Being an after thought...resolved #28

[Mental Magpie]

Dark Boyfriend and I had been watching Netflix together.  When the show ended, he asked what I wanted to do.  I asked, "Do you want to play MW3?" (a game we often play together on Xbox).  We have two Xboxes in different rooms, he plays in the living room while I play in the bedroom.  I get up to go to the bathroom (he knows this because he followed me there to tell me something).  While he is waiting for me to be finished, he logs in and joins a game with his friends.  That's normal; there's no reason he can't play a game while he waits for me (the games are max. 10 minutes).  While he's playing, I finish, log in on my Xbox, and wait for him to finish the game.  He then walks into the bedroom (the match was done) and says, "We're in a full lobby so don't bother waiting for us for a game."

I picked up my controller to turn off my Xbox and said, "Well I don't want to play then."

DB:  Even by yourself?
DM:  No.
DB:  I can always back out and play with you.
DM:  No, I don't want to play anymore.  Just go play.
DB:  I'll back out and -
DM:  Just go play.

I was just so angry and so hurt that I was going to explode if he kept standing there.  After the next match he came back in and asked me what was wrong.

DM:  You really, really ticked me off.
DB:  Why?
DM:  I didn't suggest playing the game so I could play by myself.  How do you think it made me feel that you wanted to play with your friends when I'm the one that suggest playing?
DB:  I didn't think it was that big of a deal.
DM:  That would be like me suggesting going to the movies, you seeing your buddies and going to watch a movie with them instead.
DB:  Well I'm sorry. *Silence from me because I'm trying to not cry; he picks up my controller to turn on my Xbox*.  Let's play.
DM:  I don't want to play.
DB:  I've already backed out (which I don't think he did because I could hear people talking on his headset).
DM:  I don't want to play anymore.  I don't want to play.
DB:  Okay *leaves the room*.

His apology sounded more like an exasperated "I'm apologizing because you're mad not because what I did was wrong".  There have been times he's been playing, then I decide to play and have told him there's no reason to add me because I decided to play after.  That is completely different than me suggesting playing then him in effect ditching me for a better offer.  I have absolutely no problem sticking up for people or voicing my opinions on other matters, but when it comes to my emotions it's like my brain shuts off.  I am extremely hurt by this but I have no idea how to effectively tell him and to do it nicely.  What I want to say I know is wrong, somewhat mean, and will not be helpful at all.  Not only do I think what he did was mean, I think it was rude, too (ditching me for a "better" offer).  How do I phrase this?

[penelope2017]

To be totally honest, I think you would make more of an impact if you weren't so extreme in your reactions. Just by reading this post I  don't really understand why you were so angry you were ready to explode or cry about what he did over a video game. Maybe it is me, but I sort of reserve being ready to "explode" or cry regarding my SO when it is something majorly significant to our relationship.

I'm not sure if I'm remembering correctly but are you the same poster who was deeply hurt your SO didn't want to look at pictures of people's feet in the sandals you like?

My experience is that people do start to just "apologize because you're mad" when you get emotional or dramatic over a lot of things, and it loses its impact. My advice to you if you'd like to make your point is to be reasonable and explain your feelings in simple terms, rather than losing your temper over it instead. You didn't really explain why you were upset, so of course he was just trying to mitigate your emotional response.

You had just finished watching a movie together so it wasn't like this was your one moment to spend together bonding over your video game. Maybe he, like me reading this, didn't realize how crucial it was you play this game 'together.'

[Sharnita]

Maybe it is because I am not a gamer but this honestly strikes me as an overreaction on your part.  At most I would say it was clueless or thoughtless.  I don't see anything approaching "mean".  When he did catch on to the fact that you were upset and why he tried to correct and you rejected it. At this point what do you expect him to do?

[WillyNilly]

So you two were going to play a video game together in separate rooms of the same home?

Honestly, you came here for advice and an outside opinion, right. Please consider this: do you think this is how you want to live forever? This post, the shoe post, a few other comments... Dark Boyfriend doesn't sound like a bad guy, but he sounds like a bad fit for you.

Your post reads like someone who is overall tense about your relationship. This wasn't a heavy deal, it was a straw breaking the camel's back.

Honestly, regardless of whether anyone here thinks playing with you was a big deal or not, you did, and I think that's the kind of preference a person should know about their partner. There's nothing wrong with being the kind of person who wants to do things as a couple, together. The trick is finding the right person, who also wants that; it sounds like DB doesn't prioritize that, or if he's ambivilent hasn't caught on its important to you.

[Mental Magpie]

penelope2017 - That was me, but I wasn't upset that he didn't want to look at those pictures, I was upset because I felt like he directly insulted me by saying those were gross because that's what I wore.  I'm not sure what that has to do with this though...   I thought I explained why I was upset but because you don't think I did (this is not snarky), what could I have said that would have explained it?  It wasn't that it was crucial that we play it together, it was that I wouldn't have suggested it had I wanted to play alone.  He asked me what I wanted to do now, so I asked him if he wanted to play the game.  It was definitely a conversation of what do you want to do together.  Had I not cared that we played together, I would have said "Well I'm going to play MW3."  It was that I expected us to play together only to find I'd been replaced.

As for the crying bit, I should clarify: I do that when I'm mad and frustrated, not when I'm hurt.  I was ready to explode because I have told Dark Boyfriend in the past, and as recent as 1.5 weeks ago, that I feel like I'm often an after thought to him.  I forgot to include that in my original post and I apologize for the confusion.

I should also clarify that even though I think it was "mean", I by no means think he did this on purpose.  It definitely was thoughtless, but that's part of the problem.  I've told him I feel like an after thought then he turns around and does this.

WillyNilly - The separate rooms of the same home was actually a happy joint decision.  Playing split screen (two different people on one screen that is split in half so each player can do his own thing) is a pain in the behind.  When we got a second TV we were both so happy that we wouldn't have to play split screen anymore.  The thing is, we actually do a lot together.  We enjoy a lot of the same things; sometimes we even just sit around and read together.  I really just think he is clueless about some things, specifically how his actions affect others and how the way he says things can be misconstrued.  There is also the possibility that sometimes I may be sensitive about some things because of my last relationship, in which my ex would do these sort of things on purpose.  That coupled with that I just told him about these things is probably what made me so angry.  I really appreciate your honesty.

[SisJackson]

I have a gamer husband, and if we were ever in the same sort of situation (ha!  I've tried playing COD in split-screen mode with Mr. J, so that he could practice shooting a moving target, and even just trying to run around the terrain made me look like a spastic idiot.  I have a great deal of respect for anyone who is good at these games.) then the conversation would have been much different:

Mr. J:  We're in a full lobby so don't bother waiting for us for a game.
Me: You're saying you're playing without me?  I asked you to play so we could play together.
Mr. J:  Yeah, but I logged on and [Friend] and [Buddy] and [Pal] were already in a party and they invited me so I joined.
Me:  So you're playing without me, after I asked you to play with me?  (Yes, I would probably have to reiterate this - for some reason my darling husband sometimes turns into a clod when a game console powers up, heck if I know why.)
Mr. J:  I can always back out and play with you.
Me:  Yeah, go ahead and do that, tell the guys I said hi though.

I think your "Well, then I don't want to play at all" was very "I'm taking my ball and going home" immature without giving him the opportunity to try to fix his obvious mistake.

So you two were going to play a video game together in separate rooms of the same home?

If you don't have a gamer in the house (and this would be compounded by having more than one) then I can see why this would be difficult to understand.  But you can only have one console active per TV*, and the vast majority of households don't have two TVs in any one room.  From what I can tell, even Sheldon and Leonard only have one TV in their living room.  In order for both members of the Dark household to play the game together, they have to be where the TVs/consoles are.  No, it's not ideal.  But it's what works.

(DM:  Mr. J is very jealous of the two XBOXes and of the fact that DarkBoyfriend has a partner who plays games.  Oh, but he still loves me.)

*Yes, split-screen is possible but it sucks.  When the option of two separate consoles exists, that will be the preferred set up every time.

[Amava]

Ok he misjudged your needs at first, but he offered to back out and play with you almost immediately as soon as he noticed you needed him... He caught on faster than most people I know.

 

How about:

I picked up my controller to turn off my Xbox and said, "Well I don't want to play then."

DB:  Even by yourself?
DM:  No.
DB:  I can always back out and play with you.
DM:  No, I don't want to play anymore.  Just go play. That would be lovely, especially because that was the plan in the first place...
DB: Ok then.
DM: Ok.

Don't make things so difficult for yourself. It's not worth it. Hugs!

[Cosmasia]

I'm a gamer and my partner is a huge-mega-ultra gamer so I get the gaming culture aspect of it, nothing's weird about that (might be to non-gamers but.. meh?)

However, OP, you went really wrong when you started the whole "I don't wanna play anymore" thing. That's immature and it's also actually manipulative because you aren't letting him fix his mistake but at the same time you want to keep being mad at him. It's a "damned if he does, damned if he doesn't" situation and that isn't fair to him at all.

If you want something be completely frank. "Do you want me to quit and play with you instead?" "yes frankly I would, as that was the plan. And in the future please refrain from making me an afterthought, it makes me feel like I have to force you to play with me - and that isn't fun". It's obvious to you, but that doesn't mean it is to him.

If you spoke your mind instead of playing mindgames (which "I don't wanna play anymore but I'm gonna keep being mad" is) then he might start not making you an after thought because he realizes that "hey, if I start a game with my friends when I was supposed to play with my partner, I will have to quit right away AND she's hurt. That's not fun."

But if you keep the mindgames up then you are gonna end up hurt, alone and frustrated every time and he is gonna end up confused and frustrated - because you won't let him fix his mistake but at the same time it's pretty obvious you'll be mad at him when he then goes back to playing with his friends since you don't want to anymore. That's a really bad situation to put yourself in and it's going to just ruin your own mood time and time again instead of getting you what you want.

If it's any comfort I do understand that it'd be nice if some people would just, by themselves, stop being clueless jerks, but in the end you can only control you - and the first step to getting what you want is to be direct and frank rather than playing mind games.

[Only me]

hi DM, Thank you for explaining why you play in two rooms.

i don't know if u over reacted but that is because i have been in the same situaion, where i was always in second place and was tired of explaining myself. I do think you should have handled it differently because you would feel better being direct. also next time i like the suggestion of letting bf back out of the other game and maybe telling him that u appreciate thefact he is willing to fix the problem he created.

i found that letting my bf fix the problem, that he actually finally got it.
Onlyme

[Mental Magpie]

You've really given me something to think about. I saw me not wanting to play as a) I thought he would feel resentful and obligated that he was made to quit playing with his friends because his girlfriend was being whiny, b) that he in effect told his friends he was going to play with them so it wasn't fair to withdraw that offer, and c) that I was so mad I didn't want to be near nor hear him until I regained my cool. It's really the feeling like I'm an obligation that was first in my mind.  I didn't even see it as a mind game nor that I was not allowing him to fix his mistake. Maybe I'm the clueless one, lol. I will apologize to him for that.

[Merry Mrs Martin]

  What Sis Jackson said .   If it was a 10 minute game I might even have said " play this one with the boys BUT I yes asked if you wanted to play so we could play together so next game we play together...DUH "

[Firecat]

I think sometimes it can be really difficult for non-gamers to understand gamers; there really are some aspects to gaming culture that look pretty odd from the outside (and even sometimes from the inside, but that's another discussion  !)

Anyway, OP, I do understand how you feel. Feeling like an afterthought or second choice is a hot button for me, too. Since you had an ex who did that to you on purpose, I suspect that part of your reaction may be to that old pattern, even though you're not with that person anymore. Would it help for you to sit your boyfriend down and explain that to him, if he doesn't already know about it? It might help him understand where you were coming from, or at least help the two of you communicate better about it.

For what it's worth, it does sound like he was clueless rather than intentionally hurtful; I do agree with those saying you overreacted, but I think I understand why. You didn't ask, but can I offer a (((hug))) anyway?

[Lady Stein]

OP, my ex pulled the same stuff where he would want to play a game with me then ended up on a campaign with his friends.  I would (angrily) insist that he play with his friends then went to pout and huff in a corner somewhere.  So he got to have a fun time gaming while I was stewing over the fact that I was put on the back burner .  I learned that it was better in my situation to speak up and tell him how I felt, so that way we could come to some sort of agreement like spend 15 minutes with your friends then we'll start a game together. 

[zyrs]

Dark Magdalena, first my kudos to you and your boyfriend for being able to play together in separate rooms.  My wife and I tried that, but found we weren't able to communicate efficiently enough and she was always dying of status ailments I didn't know she had.  Now we have 2 tvs and a computer monitor in front of the comfy couch and I can glance over at her screen from time to time.

Cosmasia is spot on on the problems that not letting him fix his mistake can create.  Who knows, if he had mentioned that he was backing out to another lobby, maybe his friends would have wanted to switch too and you would have had an even bigger group (I haven't played MW3, so don't know if that is a good thing in your game, but it is in ours). 

 

[gypsy77]

*snip*

As for the crying bit, I should clarify: I do that when I'm mad and frustrated, not when I'm hurt.  I was ready to explode because I have told Dark Boyfriend in the past, and as recent as 1.5 weeks ago, that I feel like I'm often an after thought to him.  I forgot to include that in my original post and I apologize for the confusion.

I should also clarify that even though I think it was "mean", I by no means think he did this on purpose.  It definitely was thoughtless, but that's part of the problem.  I've told him I feel like an after thought then he turns around and does this.

*snip*
  There is also the possibility that sometimes I may be sensitive about some things because of my last reationship, in which my ex would do these sort of things on purpose.  That coupled with that I just told him about these things is probably what made me so angry.  I really appreciate your honesty.

I am quoting these specific statements because they really struck a chord with me.  I too, cry when mad and frustrated, and because my ex not only did things on purpose to get me to that state, he liked to twist what I said when telling him about my anger and frustration so that now when I am feeling that way, I don't trust myself to talk.

This was very frustrating for my SO to learn to deal with, because the poor guy could tell I was upset, but if he asked why, I simply got more upset because it was so hard for me to tell him. After a couple of times when this happened, I went to him when I was calm and explained that while I understood he only wanted to talk and try to fix the problem, I am unable to do so in the heat of the moment. We have come to an understanding that if I tell him I need a few minutes, he will back off until I can collect myself enough to tell him what is bothering me. Because I know he will wait for me to be ready, it rarely takes me more than 5 minutes to be able to discuss the situation with him. It also has the added benefit of being a kind of RL version of Scritzy's coke rule, and we are both much calmer and able to see each others points of view when we do start discussing it.

You may not experience the same kind of issue as I do in voicing your concerns when you are upset, but even if you don't, it might be helpful to discuss it at a time when you are both calm.