Being an after thought...resolved #28

[atirial]

Telling you to play on your own is very definitely ditching you (for non gamers, it's like going to a cafe with your date, running into your mates and then walking out with them, leaving the girlfriend behind, so a pretty big breach of gaming etiquette). If this is part of a larger problem with you being left out, I can see why you reacted as you did - especially if he's going to make you out as the whiny girlfriend to his friends.

If he's still in the lobby he can switch without harming his team in the middle of a game, and should have when he saw the lobby was full. Unfortunately some guys are a bit clueless.

[TheVapors]

I'm a gamer, and so is my husband. I completely understand what happened.

It would be like me saying to my husband "Let's go do a dungeon on WoW." And then we get online, and he finds a different group to play with entirely.

It's something that non-gamers may not necessarily be able to appreciate in full.

I would've come right out and said, "I suggested that we play, because I want to play with you. When you're done with that quick fight, let's do something together."

[Mental Magpie]

gypsy77 - That's exactly it.  I spent so much time resenting my ex that my first thought is really mean, unfair things to say.  That's not Dark Boyfriend's fault so I do everything I can to not take it out on him.  That includes telling him to "just go play" but in hindsight, I should have just asked him for a minute.  I do plan on talking to him about it today (and apologize for being unfair) and will bring that up.  Thank you for putting words to something I've known all along but couldn't quite figure out how to say.

TheVapors - It's exactly like that.  I thought that is what I said when "I wouldn't have suggested it had I wanted to play alone" but your way is so much more direct and I can see where what I said wouldn't have gotten my point across.  Funny thing about hindsight...

[rashea]

I asked, "Do you want to play MW3?"

You've already discovered the issue of needing to tell him clearly that you wanted to play with him when he asked, but I wonder if the problem didn't start here. You asked if he wanted to play, not if he wanted to play with you. It's subtle, but if you can make "with me" a part of the request up front, then there will be less chance for him to misunderstand.

[penelope2017]

The reason I brought up your previous thread about the sandals was to point out another example, like this one, where  I feel your emotional reaction is out of line with what is actually occurring. I know why you said you were upset with your BF in the sandal thread. You explained it clearly. I didn't necessarily agree with your interpretation of him saying he wasn't interested in seeing the photos of other people's feet in sandals and why it turned into a personal insult against you because you have a fondness for them. Nor do I totally get how the current situation of him starting a video game without you translates into feeling like you are about to explode with anger, hurt or resentment. I'm pointing out a pattern.

I'm not saying it is wrong to feel moderately hurt by either of these scenarios, I'm saying the extent to which you are reacting is over the top. I'm glad you are realizing that it might be lingering resentment over your ex causing you to overreact and I do think taking a minute before doing so is smart.

[JoyinVirginia]

I agree with amava, sisjackson, pps, and especially penelope.
Bf is clueless, not malicious. Clear, direct communication is needed.
I have friend who is cancer survivor. When she has any problem she has a saying: "if this is the worst thing that happens today, it is a pretty good day."
Because once you have faced a life-threatening major problem, it is easier to realize that most everything else is small stuff.
Give the bf a hug, then calmly tell him the story like you told us.

[bah12]

He made a mistake.  I'll give you that.  I agree that when you asked to play, it was insensitive of him to join another group and then tell you not to bother waiting for him. 

But, when he tried to rectify the problem, you wouldn't let him.  He tried more than once to "fix" it and give you want you wanted, which was to play together and you refused him each time.  What was it that you were looking for at that moment?  He couldn't go back in time and undue what he did, so what else would have not escalated the argument and frustration?

I'm not a gamer, but I do understand how you feel.  If I get upset by something DH does, sometimes I'm unaccepting of his efforts to rectify it because I feel like he's only doing it because I'm upset.  Then I let my pride get in the way and refuse all attempts he makes to put things back.

But, that's not healthy behavior for a relationship.  People make silly mistakes all the time that deeply hurt us without realizing until it's too late what the impacts of the actions were.

Here's what I think you should do now:  talk to him.  I'd start by saying something like, "Dark Boyfriend, I'd like to talk to you about what happened the other night with the games.  I was hurt when you told me you were playing with another group because I felt like you ditched me for them.  When you offered to play with me later, I felt like an afterthought.  I do think I overreacted in refusing to play later.  I understand that you were just trying to make things right and for that I'm sorry.  I know you didn't see this situation the same way I did, but I hope now you understand my perspective a little more and will try to remember that when I ask if you want to play, I mean with me.  Again, I'm sorry for how I reacted and I hope you understand a little more about what happened."

[Mental Magpie]

He made a mistake.  I'll give you that.  I agree that when you asked to play, it was insensitive of him to join another group and then tell you not to bother waiting for him. 

But, when he tried to rectify the problem, you wouldn't let him.  He tried more than once to "fix" it and give you want you wanted, which was to play together and you refused him each time.  What was it that you were looking for at that moment?  He couldn't go back in time and undue what he did, so what else would have not escalated the argument and frustration?

I'm not a gamer, but I do understand how you feel.  If I get upset by something DH does, sometimes I'm unaccepting of his efforts to rectify it because I feel like he's only doing it because I'm upset.  Then I let my pride get in the way and refuse all attempts he makes to put things back.

But, that's not healthy behavior for a relationship.  People make silly mistakes all the time that deeply hurt us without realizing until it's too late what the impacts of the actions were.

Here's what I think you should do now:  talk to him.  I'd start by saying something like, "Dark Boyfriend, I'd like to talk to you about what happened the other night with the games.  I was hurt when you told me you were playing with another group because I felt like you ditched me for them.  When you offered to play with me later, I felt like an afterthought.  I do think I overreacted in refusing to play later.  I understand that you were just trying to make things right and for that I'm sorry.  I know you didn't see this situation the same way I did, but I hope now you understand my perspective a little more and will try to remember that when I ask if you want to play, I mean with me.  Again, I'm sorry for how I reacted and I hope you understand a little more about what happened."

That's exactly what I want to say!  I have been trying to think all day how to word it and you've nailed it.  Thank you for your help!

[Merry Mrs Martin]

Telling you to play on your own is very definitely ditching you (for non gamers, it's like going to a cafe with your date, running into your mates and then walking out with them, leaving the girlfriend behind, so a pretty big breach of gaming etiquette). If this is part of a larger problem with you being left out, I can see why you reacted as you did - especially if he's going to make you out as the whiny girlfriend to his friends.

If he's still in the lobby he can switch without harming his team in the middle of a game, and should have when he saw the lobby was full. Unfortunately some guys are a bit clueless.

I think if the games are 10 minutes most it's more like going to play pool together we're going to play for a few hours.  When we arrive I take a few minutes to settle in , use the rest room and BF normally plays the first game with friends and I join in on the second game. If BF has to wait for the first game or the first game goes very fast and he is already waiting to play the second game, I wouldn't call it ditching. Playing one of 6-20 games with someone else is not as egregious as walking away and having dinner with someone else.   Once you establish it's OK for BF to play a game while you're getting situated then it's reasonable for him to start a game without you. 
I think OP had a right to be annoyed but BF wasn't a total dofus either.

[Mental Magpie]

Telling you to play on your own is very definitely ditching you (for non gamers, it's like going to a cafe with your date, running into your mates and then walking out with them, leaving the girlfriend behind, so a pretty big breach of gaming etiquette). If this is part of a larger problem with you being left out, I can see why you reacted as you did - especially if he's going to make you out as the whiny girlfriend to his friends.

If he's still in the lobby he can switch without harming his team in the middle of a game, and should have when he saw the lobby was full. Unfortunately some guys are a bit clueless.

I think if the games are 10 minutes most it's more like going to play pool together we're going to play for a few hours.  When we arrive I take a few minutes to settle in , use the rest room and BF normally plays the first game with friends and I join in on the second game. If BF has to wait for the first game or the first game goes very fast and he is already waiting to play the second game, I wouldn't call it ditching. Playing one of 6-20 games with someone else is not as egregious as walking away and having dinner with someone else.   Once you establish it's OK for BF to play a game while you're getting situated then it's reasonable for him to start a game without you. 
I think OP had a right to be annoyed but BF wasn't a total dofus either.

I was completely ready to play the second game; I was ready to play it 3 minutes into the first game.  In your scenario, I wouldn't call it ditching either because he technically would still be waiting for me.  What happened was I was waiting for him; that I would call ditching.

[Danika]

Great suggestions and points made my PPs. My DH is a gamer too, and we've had similar situations.

About 10 years ago, I was flipping through TV channels and came across some guy on a stage lecturing an audience. I think he was trying to sell a book. I don't remember who he was and I only watched a little while but he told a little anecdote that was very eye-opening to me and I've often thought of it in situations like this.

His story was something like the following. Sally wants to spend some time with her husband and a new movie is out. She says "DH, let's go to NewMovie together tonight." Her husband thinks about it but he doesn't really want to see NewMovie. He wants to see OtherMovie. He says "I don't want to see NewMovie. Let's see OtherMovie." But Sally's not interested in seeing OtherMovie and she says so. So her DH says to her "OK, well, Bob would probably like to see OtherMovie" and he calls Bob and they go see OtherMovie. Sally is left alone wondering where she went wrong.

The man giving the presentation had a list of 5 "layers" of desire or some such thing. The only two layers I remember were the two mentioned here. Sally wanted to do something with her DH. She just wanted to spend time with him. It was the relationship layer. It didn't have to be that movie specifically, but she didn't communicate that to him. Her DH heard her suggestion but only heard about the activity. That was lower on the priority list than the relationship layer; it was the activity layer. Her suggestion planted in his mind the desire to see a movie. And the specific movie, to him, was more important than who he shared the experience with.

Sometimes, Dark Magdalena, I'm in your shoes with my DH. And remembering the thing I saw on TV, if he asks me "what do you want to do now?" I will think about it answer something like:

1) Activity priority: "I want to go on eHell and catch up on some discussions. If you'd like to sit beside me and watch TV while I do that, it would be fantastic. But if you would be bored, please, do whatever you're interested in doing (here or in another room). I'm going to surf eHell."

or

2) relationship priority: "I want to spend time with you. Ideally, I would like to surf eHell, but if that bores you" (or bothers him because my chosen activity has sound or too much light or something) "then what would you like to do and I'll do that with you? For example, if you want to watch the football game, I can find a book and sit beside you while you do that."

[zyrs]

I discussed this with my wife today and she suggests a tactic that she uses when she wants me to know that suggested activity is for us to do together. 

boyfriend: So, what do you want to do now?
You: Let's play MW3.
Boyfriend:  Okay.
You : Give me a couple minutes to take care of "whatever", then we can log in.
boyfriend: Okay.

The bolded statement makes it clear that this is a 'play together' night.

[Ceallach]

He made a mistake.  I'll give you that.  I agree that when you asked to play, it was insensitive of him to join another group and then tell you not to bother waiting for him. 

But, when he tried to rectify the problem, you wouldn't let him.  He tried more than once to "fix" it and give you want you wanted, which was to play together and you refused him each time.  What was it that you were looking for at that moment?  He couldn't go back in time and undue what he did, so what else would have not escalated the argument and frustration?

I'm not a gamer, but I do understand how you feel.  If I get upset by something DH does, sometimes I'm unaccepting of his efforts to rectify it because I feel like he's only doing it because I'm upset.  Then I let my pride get in the way and refuse all attempts he makes to put things back.

But, that's not healthy behavior for a relationship.  People make silly mistakes all the time that deeply hurt us without realizing until it's too late what the impacts of the actions were.

Here's what I think you should do now:  talk to him.  I'd start by saying something like, "Dark Boyfriend, I'd like to talk to you about what happened the other night with the games.  I was hurt when you told me you were playing with another group because I felt like you ditched me for them.  When you offered to play with me later, I felt like an afterthought.  I do think I overreacted in refusing to play later.  I understand that you were just trying to make things right and for that I'm sorry.  I know you didn't see this situation the same way I did, but I hope now you understand my perspective a little more and will try to remember that when I ask if you want to play, I mean with me.  Again, I'm sorry for how I reacted and I hope you understand a little more about what happened."

This.  Exactly.   He made a thoughtless comment/assumption but as soon as he realised he tried to fix it.   Your feelings are 100% understandable in that moment, but you should realise that you do have control over how you respond and react.  I think it's important that you think about what he could have said or done in that moment that would have been acceptable to you.  Is it possible that you were so hurt and angry that you were determined to remain hurt and angry no matter what? 

I understand completely because I'm also a crier, and I used to react badly when DH did or said the wrong thing.  I gradually learnt over the years to be the bigger person, and in turn he learnt to be more considerate so these situations arose less frequently.  I realised that *I* didn't want to be unhappy. So if given the opportunity to fix the situation / be happy again, I'd take that opportunity instead of being proud or angry. Otherwise I was punishing myself as well as him, and that was no fun.  I'm not suggesting that I'm magically a completely rational non-crier now - I'm still me - but we are able to deal with things very reasonably and to both of our satisfaction.  And afterwards I calmly explain in a non-confrontational manner what my concern was, so he can learn from that.  It's much more effective in the long run than having a confrontation, and it's a much happier use of both of our time.  And we're pretty darn happy!   

[Mental Magpie]

He made a mistake.  I'll give you that.  I agree that when you asked to play, it was insensitive of him to join another group and then tell you not to bother waiting for him. 

But, when he tried to rectify the problem, you wouldn't let him.  He tried more than once to "fix" it and give you want you wanted, which was to play together and you refused him each time.  What was it that you were looking for at that moment?  He couldn't go back in time and undue what he did, so what else would have not escalated the argument and frustration?

I'm not a gamer, but I do understand how you feel.  If I get upset by something DH does, sometimes I'm unaccepting of his efforts to rectify it because I feel like he's only doing it because I'm upset.  Then I let my pride get in the way and refuse all attempts he makes to put things back.

But, that's not healthy behavior for a relationship.  People make silly mistakes all the time that deeply hurt us without realizing until it's too late what the impacts of the actions were.

Here's what I think you should do now:  talk to him.  I'd start by saying something like, "Dark Boyfriend, I'd like to talk to you about what happened the other night with the games.  I was hurt when you told me you were playing with another group because I felt like you ditched me for them.  When you offered to play with me later, I felt like an afterthought.  I do think I overreacted in refusing to play later.  I understand that you were just trying to make things right and for that I'm sorry.  I know you didn't see this situation the same way I did, but I hope now you understand my perspective a little more and will try to remember that when I ask if you want to play, I mean with me.  Again, I'm sorry for how I reacted and I hope you understand a little more about what happened."

This.  Exactly.   He made a thoughtless comment/assumption but as soon as he realised he tried to fix it.   Your feelings are 100% understandable in that moment, but you should realise that you do have control over how you respond and react.  I think it's important that you think about what he could have said or done in that moment that would have been acceptable to you.  Is it possible that you were so hurt and angry that you were determined to remain hurt and angry no matter what? 

I understand completely because I'm also a crier, and I used to react badly when DH did or said the wrong thing.  I gradually learnt over the years to be the bigger person, and in turn he learnt to be more considerate so these situations arose less frequently.  I realised that *I* didn't want to be unhappy. So if given the opportunity to fix the situation / be happy again, I'd take that opportunity instead of being proud or angry. Otherwise I was punishing myself as well as him, and that was no fun.  I'm not suggesting that I'm magically a completely rational non-crier now - I'm still me - but we are able to deal with things very reasonably and to both of our satisfaction.  And afterwards I calmly explain in a non-confrontational manner what my concern was, so he can learn from that.  It's much more effective in the long run than having a confrontation, and it's a much happier use of both of our time.  And we're pretty darn happy!   

Yes, I can see where that would be possible subconsciously. 



I sat DB down and pretty much said bah12's suggestion.  I apologized for playing a mind game, that I should have let him fix the problem when he realized it, and that I was hurt by what he did.  He shrugged and said he didn't think it (what he did) was a big deal.  I tried to reiterate to him why it hurt and used examples of what it was like.  He continued to argue that it wasn't like those scenarios at all.  I finally found one that made it click for him and he apologized again.  I apologized for freaking out a little and told him why (probably) I did.  Then...well then I started to cry  this time because of all the hurt I felt from ex resurfacing.  I told DB that I have never told him the specifics of what ex did because I didn't want him to ever feel like he had to fix ex's mistakes, that I just wanted him to be him, BUT that ex would do things like that on purpose and would make me feel unimportant out of malice.  I made sure to tell him I know that he didn't to it on purpose, that I know he's not like that.  He hugged me and just let me cry.  I feel important again 

[Sterling]

This weekend I did the same thing.  My fiance and I were sitting on the couch with our laptops talking about wedding stuff and playing on line.  I had an issue I wanted to talk to him about reguarding the wedding.  As I explained he interrupted and said "Hold that thought" and proceeded to watch a youtube video.  I got up and walked out.  I was so mad and I too cry when I get frustrated.  He came and found me right away and started apologizing for being rude so he knew he messed up.