Being an after thought...resolved #28

[Mental Magpie]

This weekend I did the same thing.  My fiance and I were sitting on the couch with our laptops talking about wedding stuff and playing on line.  I had an issue I wanted to talk to him about reguarding the wedding.  As I explained he interrupted and said "Hold that thought" and proceeded to watch a youtube video.  I got up and walked out.  I was so mad and I too cry when I get frustrated.  He came and found me right away and started apologizing for being rude so he knew he messed up.

Dark Boyfriend has done that, too!  I thought it was only him!  I waited until he was done and asked him how important that video was.  He said it wasn't, so I asked him why he couldn't have waited until I was done talking if it wasn't that important.  He didn't have an answer and is getting much better about not doing stuff like that. 

[Softly Spoken]

Late to this party and so glad it was resolved. I just wanted to add one little scrap of food for thought to chew on, hopefully with the idea of avoiding hurt feelings in the future...

I pod just about every comment on this thread, but I noticed what I paid attention to (my own life-experience bias at work here) was the pattern of approach/isolation that played out when there was a problem.
IMHO, it is important to be aware of how each of you respond to a problem. It's kind of a "fight or flight" thing, where in this case it seems as if you flee at first so as to avoid a fight you do not want to have. BF pursued you to ask what was wrong - I hope you can see what a good thing that is!

You see, for me, the worst thing someone can do when I am upset is leave me alone unless I expressly tell them that I need space. When someone is upset, others instinct is usually either to give space or comfort/try to help fix. If I need someone to listen and my SO is giving me my space because I'm upset, I end up feeling like he doesn't care. If I need my space because I'm too overwhelmed to talk and my SO is hovering around and trying to get me to open up then I feel overwhelmed and like he doesn't respect my boundaries and once again doesn't care. Nine times out of ten I want to be approached, but it is my responsibility to communicate that to my SO, as it is my responsibility to make it clear that tenth time that I need him to back off instead.

It is very important to be able to be aware (during a conflict) of what you want and why, and be able to tell the person you are dealing with what you want from them.

I guess this is my long and fancy way of saying communication is important.

Glad you were able to recognize where things went wrong and work things out DM. Sounds like your BF is trying pretty hard despite his occasional cluelessness, and is willing to work with you and listen to you as you try and exorcise the negative patterns laid down by your ex. Good luck! {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

[Mental Magpie]

Late to this party and so glad it was resolved. I just wanted to add one little scrap of food for thought to chew on, hopefully with the idea of avoiding hurt feelings in the future...

I pod just about every comment on this thread, but I noticed what I paid attention to (my own life-experience bias at work here) was the pattern of approach/isolation that played out when there was a problem.
IMHO, it is important to be aware of how each of you respond to a problem. It's kind of a "fight or flight" thing, where in this case it seems as if you flee at first so as to avoid a fight you do not want to have. BF pursued you to ask what was wrong - I hope you can see what a good thing that is!

You see, for me, the worst thing someone can do when I am upset is leave me alone unless I expressly tell them that I need space. When someone is upset, others instinct is usually either to give space or comfort/try to help fix. If I need someone to listen and my SO is giving me my space because I'm upset, I end up feeling like he doesn't care. If I need my space because I'm too overwhelmed to talk and my SO is hovering around and trying to get me to open up then I feel overwhelmed and like he doesn't respect my boundaries and once again doesn't care. Nine times out of ten I want to be approached, but it is my responsibility to communicate that to my SO, as it is my responsibility to make it clear that tenth time that I need him to back off instead.

It is very important to be able to be aware (during a conflict) of what you want and why, and be able to tell the person you are dealing with what you want from them.

I guess this is my long and fancy way of saying communication is important.

Glad you were able to recognize where things went wrong and work things out DM. Sounds like your BF is trying pretty hard despite his occasional cluelessness, and is willing to work with you and listen to you as you try and exorcise the negative patterns laid down by your ex. Good luck! {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

I always want to be left alone, I'm definitely a fleer in this situation.  I feel like I'm being smothered and it makes me even more irritated.  Next time I just need to say, "Please leave me a lone for a few minutes" instead of becoming obstinate (kind of a heat of the moment thing I am not proud of).  Thank you!

[hobish]

Late to this party and so glad it was resolved. I just wanted to add one little scrap of food for thought to chew on, hopefully with the idea of avoiding hurt feelings in the future...

I pod just about every comment on this thread, but I noticed what I paid attention to (my own life-experience bias at work here) was the pattern of approach/isolation that played out when there was a problem.
IMHO, it is important to be aware of how each of you respond to a problem. It's kind of a "fight or flight" thing, where in this case it seems as if you flee at first so as to avoid a fight you do not want to have. BF pursued you to ask what was wrong - I hope you can see what a good thing that is!

You see, for me, the worst thing someone can do when I am upset is leave me alone unless I expressly tell them that I need space. When someone is upset, others instinct is usually either to give space or comfort/try to help fix. If I need someone to listen and my SO is giving me my space because I'm upset, I end up feeling like he doesn't care. If I need my space because I'm too overwhelmed to talk and my SO is hovering around and trying to get me to open up then I feel overwhelmed and like he doesn't respect my boundaries and once again doesn't care. Nine times out of ten I want to be approached, but it is my responsibility to communicate that to my SO, as it is my responsibility to make it clear that tenth time that I need him to back off instead.

It is very important to be able to be aware (during a conflict) of what you want and why, and be able to tell the person you are dealing with what you want from them.

I guess this is my long and fancy way of saying communication is important.

Glad you were able to recognize where things went wrong and work things out DM. Sounds like your BF is trying pretty hard despite his occasional cluelessness, and is willing to work with you and listen to you as you try and exorcise the negative patterns laid down by your ex. Good luck! {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

I always want to be left alone, I'm definitely a fleer in this situation.  I feel like I'm being smothered and it makes me even more irritated.  Next time I just need to say, "Please leave me a lone for a few minutes" instead of becoming obstinate (kind of a heat of the moment thing I am not proud of).  Thank you!

I have to do that, too. I also cry when i am angry and frustrated. I also scream and yell and throw things  so i try really hard to keep it in check. Honestly, i can see me and Gish in your OP so much ... except we don't have a 2nd XBox ...yet. I see where you are coming from with not wanting to play any more. I don't think it is neccessarily a mind game, or not letting him fix it. Sometimes you can't fix it. Having to go out of your way to (re)explain to someone that you are looking for their time and attention (in playing the game with you) can take some of the luster off. Sometimes i am sure it is; but i don't think that is always a "I'm taking my ball and going home" situation, more like a if i have to fight for your attention it's jut not worth it situation. BTDT. Trying, trying, trying to be more forthright and level headed; but i definitely see where you are coming from.

I am very happy to hear it worked out ok in the end.

[Mental Magpie]

Late to this party and so glad it was resolved. I just wanted to add one little scrap of food for thought to chew on, hopefully with the idea of avoiding hurt feelings in the future...

I pod just about every comment on this thread, but I noticed what I paid attention to (my own life-experience bias at work here) was the pattern of approach/isolation that played out when there was a problem.
IMHO, it is important to be aware of how each of you respond to a problem. It's kind of a "fight or flight" thing, where in this case it seems as if you flee at first so as to avoid a fight you do not want to have. BF pursued you to ask what was wrong - I hope you can see what a good thing that is!

You see, for me, the worst thing someone can do when I am upset is leave me alone unless I expressly tell them that I need space. When someone is upset, others instinct is usually either to give space or comfort/try to help fix. If I need someone to listen and my SO is giving me my space because I'm upset, I end up feeling like he doesn't care. If I need my space because I'm too overwhelmed to talk and my SO is hovering around and trying to get me to open up then I feel overwhelmed and like he doesn't respect my boundaries and once again doesn't care. Nine times out of ten I want to be approached, but it is my responsibility to communicate that to my SO, as it is my responsibility to make it clear that tenth time that I need him to back off instead.

It is very important to be able to be aware (during a conflict) of what you want and why, and be able to tell the person you are dealing with what you want from them.

I guess this is my long and fancy way of saying communication is important.

Glad you were able to recognize where things went wrong and work things out DM. Sounds like your BF is trying pretty hard despite his occasional cluelessness, and is willing to work with you and listen to you as you try and exorcise the negative patterns laid down by your ex. Good luck! {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

I always want to be left alone, I'm definitely a fleer in this situation.  I feel like I'm being smothered and it makes me even more irritated.  Next time I just need to say, "Please leave me a lone for a few minutes" instead of becoming obstinate (kind of a heat of the moment thing I am not proud of).  Thank you!

I have to do that, too. I also cry when i am angry and frustrated. I also scream and yell and throw things  so i try really hard to keep it in check. Honestly, i can see me and Gish in your OP so much ... except we don't have a 2nd XBox ...yet. I see where you are coming from with not wanting to play any more. I don't think it is neccessarily a mind game, or not letting him fix it. Sometimes you can't fix it. Having to go out of your way to (re)explain to someone that you are looking for their time and attention (in playing the game with you) can take some of the luster off. Sometimes i am sure it is; but i don't think that is always a "I'm taking my ball and going home" situation, more like a if i have to fight for your attention it's jut not worth it situation. BTDT. Trying, trying, trying to be more forthright and level headed; but i definitely see where you are coming from.

I am very happy to hear it worked out ok in the end.

I think that was it exactly!  I didn't actually want to play anymore, it had no interest now that I had been left behind.  (Get that 2nd Xbox...it means you can play, too, if he is playing something else you have no interest in (I don't like sports games)).  Thanks, I am, too.  I'm trying to be more forthright, too, but it's not quite working easily :/.  One of these days...

[Danika]

I also scream and yell and throw things

And I fear doing that so much (both my parents do that) that I clam up and walk away and need my space to collect exactly why I'm mad.

It's very important for my friendships and relationship with DH that people allow me to revisit the situation later. I need time to examine a situation and think about precisely what upset me so much about it. And sometimes, if it's something really big, I don't like my DH or my close friends to tell me "I don't think you should be mad for reason X" because very often, if I think it over a lot, I was not mad for reason X. I was mad for reason Y. And then I need to be able to go back to them later and revisit the topic and say "Just so you know, what upset me was Y. So if X happens, it's not a huge deal and we don't have to avoid X. But we do need to avoid a Y situation."

I find that most of the time, the Y situation is that I felt disrespected. It wasn't about an action, it was that the action against me meant that I was disrespected or disregarded or treated as a lesser individual not worthy of as much consideration. Basically, the situation that OP described here. Not about the game, or my free time. Just cast aside like my presence or needs didn't matter.

[Ceallach]

I'm glad it's resolved.   I think you're a very reasonable person and take feedback well.  It's important to remember that these situations occur to some extent in *every* relationship.  It's about learning the other person's communication style and needs.  To some people, it truly mightn't be a big deal that he started first.  To others, it's the height of inconsiderateness and thoughtlessness. So both of you have learnt something here about how the other thinks.  He'll hopefully be more considerate in future and realise that it's the "us" time aspect that's important to you. Likewise, hopefully you realise that to him it was just "playing the online game and he had no intention of hurting you in any way. Neither of you are wrong, you're just too people adjusting to loving each other and the natural miscommunications that occur.   

[Mental Magpie]

I also scream and yell and throw things

And I fear doing that so much (both my parents do that) that I clam up and walk away and need my space to collect exactly why I'm mad.

It's very important for my friendships and relationship with DH that people allow me to revisit the situation later. I need time to examine a situation and think about precisely what upset me so much about it. And sometimes, if it's something really big, I don't like my DH or my close friends to tell me "I don't think you should be mad for reason X" because very often, if I think it over a lot, I was not mad for reason X. I was mad for reason Y. And then I need to be able to go back to them later and revisit the topic and say "Just so you know, what upset me was Y. So if X happens, it's not a huge deal and we don't have to avoid X. But we do need to avoid a Y situation."

I find that most of the time, the Y situation is that I felt disrespected. It wasn't about an action, it was that the action against me meant that I was disrespected or disregarded or treated as a lesser individual not worthy of as much consideration. Basically, the situation that OP described here. Not about the game, or my free time. Just cast aside like my presence or needs didn't matter.

Are you me?  That's exactly my process.  It's because it makes me feel lesser and unimportant.  I even told Dark Boyfriend that I just want to feel important because ex always made me feel extremely unimportant.  Ex: "Oh, you got a 4.0, way to be an bacon-fed knave kisser" DB: "Oh, you got a 4.0, I know you worked hard for that!" then he teasingly told me I was a know-it-all smartypants and made me laugh.  He does make me feel important, but when he suddenly (even accidentally) makes me feel unimportant I feel it tenfold.

Ceallach - Thank you.  I had to make sure he knew that it wasn't because he started without me or that he's never allowed to play without me, it was that in this situation I feel like an afterthought, a burden, an obligation, unimportant to him...I made it clear to him (he even said so) that it wasn't because of the game, necessarily, but that I wanted to spend time with him and play the game.