Is it acceptable to 'pre reject' someone OR the pining crush

[couchpotato]

I was in this situation years ago. Only I was Andrew. I was clueless and looking back, very obvious. My Rachel was polite and nice to me, but he never gave me any solid discouragement (which I took as encouragement). I never got up the nerve to ask him out since I enjoyed his company in our group and didn't want to screw anything up.

It would have been a kindness if a mutual friend took me aside and told me he wasn't into me so I would stop making a fool of myself. Just my opinion as someone in Andrew's position.

BTW, my thing evolved into me not being very active in the group and meeting DH. I had been losing interest in the shared activity for a while, but my crush fueled my attendance. Once I decided to let go of him, I was able to let go of the group and move on with my life.

[LifeOnPluto]

I'm with Maria. If I know someone's got a crush then I want to be careful not to send the wrong signals, and this could come off as a potential date- right up to the point when you tell the person you aren't interested in dating them. So after raising their hopes, you crush them. Not kind, in my book.

The third party approach allows them to save face.

I tend to agree. I think if Rachel approaches him personally and tells him up-front she's not interested, Andrew will probably get defensive and tell her she's "completely misunderstood" his intentions, and that he doesn't fancy her at all. That leaves both of them looking silly and feeling bad.

[girlysprite]

I'm so gonna let my DH read this thread - we have a mutual friend we play D&D with, and he is this to the letter. (OP, you aure you aren't part of our D&D group? ). Combine this with the fact that this guy spends too much time on all the social media and makes replies to new posts/tweets very quickly and you get a bit of a stalker vibe. To make it a bit worse, he is quite older than the girl is - not always a problem, but he is in quite another stage in life than she is - and the girl broke up with her BF less than 2 months ago. When she tweets about workout, he hints at poledancing. When she says she can't make it to the D&D session, he expresses regret as there are no other 'blong young single girls around'. My DH gave this guy already a talk, because he tends to overstep boundaries in many places (not just flirting).

What also may help - when such a guy makes semi-flirty comments, the girl could say 'I don't really feel comfortable when you say that'. Or if that is too strong, just give a 'what are you saying??' look and let an awkward silence hang in the air.

[Reason]

On the subject of bringing in a third person to discuss it with the guy, I don't really think it will help him save face at all. It can easily come across as "Everybody knows about your inept attempts to court a girl that's not interested in you. It's pretty pathetic and you need to stop." Even if that's true, saying that is not necessarily kind (assuming that's the motivation.)

I see nothing wrong with saying "you are making me feel really uncomfortable" directly though. If he stops right there and hopefully says "sorry, I meant no offense", then he will not lose face. We all strike out every now and then.

[Petticoats]

I was in this situation years ago. Only I was Andrew. I was clueless and looking back, very obvious. My Rachel was polite and nice to me, but he never gave me any solid discouragement (which I took as encouragement). I never got up the nerve to ask him out since I enjoyed his company in our group and didn't want to screw anything up.

It would have been a kindness if a mutual friend took me aside and told me he wasn't into me so I would stop making a fool of myself. Just my opinion as someone in Andrew's position.

I've been in this situation too, and a mutual friend did let me know, when my feelings became clear, that I had zero chance of getting anywhere with my crush. It was humiliating and painful, but much less so than it would have been if my crush had told me this himself. This way I was able to hang on to a shred of dignity in that I could tell myself that my crush hadn't cottoned onto my feelings for him.

[SleepyKitty]

I see nothing wrong with saying "you are making me feel really uncomfortable" directly though. If he stops right there and hopefully says "sorry, I meant no offense", then he will not lose face. We all strike out every now and then.

I think the only problem with this is that it is it's going to be humiliating for everyone involved. I'm assuming that Rachel is not spending time alone with Andrew, which would mean she's calling him out in front of mutual friends. It will likely embarrass and upset Andrew - after all, not only is the girl he's crushing on rejecting him but she's doing it in front of others, and I don't think it's too much of a stretch to assume he would respond by denying he's flirting or interested, which either makes him look even more awkward in front of his friends or makes Rachel look like a jerk. It's also going to be so awkwardly painful for the mutual friends to be forced to witness the whole scenario. It's also a very direct way of rejecting someone, when a mutual friend could do it in a much kinder manner.

This of course doesn't apply if Rachel is spending time alone with Andrew, which is a whole other kettle of fish.

[girlysprite]

I see nothing wrong with saying "you are making me feel really uncomfortable" directly though. If he stops right there and hopefully says "sorry, I meant no offense", then he will not lose face. We all strike out every now and then.

I think the only problem with this is that it is it's going to be humiliating for everyone involved. I'm assuming that Rachel is not spending time alone with Andrew, which would mean she's calling him out in front of mutual friends. It will likely embarrass and upset Andrew - after all, not only is the girl he's crushing on rejecting him but she's doing it in front of others, and I don't think it's too much of a stretch to assume he would respond by denying he's flirting or interested, which either makes him look even more awkward in front of his friends or makes Rachel look like a jerk. It's also going to be so awkwardly painful for the mutual friends to be forced to witness the whole scenario. It's also a very direct way of rejecting someone, when a mutual friend could do it in a much kinder manner.

This of course doesn't apply if Rachel is spending time alone with Andrew, which is a whole other kettle of fish.

In that case, the 'pregnant pause' might be a subtler approach. Give a look to acknowledge that you heard a comment, but just shrug or don't reply. When done well enough it doesn't draw attention of the whole group, but might get a clue to the person who made semi-flirty comments.

[kethria]

Everyone has given really good advice... the situation just reminds me of this XKCD comic...

http://xkcd.com/513/

[girlysprite]

Everyone has given really good advice... the situation just reminds me of this XKCD comic...

http://xkcd.com/513/

So painfully real and true...

[Petticoats]

Everyone has given really good advice... the situation just reminds me of this XKCD comic...

http://xkcd.com/513/

So painfully real and true...

Indeed. Scarily close to home.

[mbbored]

I have been Sarah before. My Andrew hinted at how great we'd be, at how wonderful I am and constantly gazed at me. Unfortunately, our most older than us mutual friends thought it was cute and encouraged him. Quietly I convinced them one by one that there was no future for me and Andrew and that he was making me very uncomfortable. As for Andrew himself, I found no solution but to ice him out. I don't engage in small talk with him, I don't approach whatever group he's in, I don't go near him. It's been 18 months, I feel like a horrible person, but every time I exchange so much as a pleasantry, he goes full force again.

[MerryCat]

Yeah, the situation really sucks because either you have to be the "bad guy", by freezing someone out, or put up with constant unwanted almost-advances. And because they're not quite real advances, you can't really reject them either. I hope someday you'll be able to break your Andrew of his obsession, mmbored.

[SamiHami]

As long as this crush is not interfering with the group activities (i.e. his behavior being so over the top that it is driving others away from the group) then everyone should keep out of it. Interfering in the feelings (or lack thereof) of others is meddling, not helpful.

If Rachel is annoyed or upset enough with his obvious crush, it is up to her-and only her-to have a private conversation with him to discuss it. And it should remain private, not fodder for discussion among the group. Rachel having a third party talk to him on her behalf is cowardly, to say the least.

The only circumstance in which someone should intervene would be if there were a genuine risk of danger involved, and the OP made it clear that this isn't the case. My opinion would not be different were the situation reversed.

[supotco]

I have been Sarah before. My Andrew hinted at how great we'd be, at how wonderful I am and constantly gazed at me. Unfortunately, our most older than us mutual friends thought it was cute and encouraged him. Quietly I convinced them one by one that there was no future for me and Andrew and that he was making me very uncomfortable. As for Andrew himself, I found no solution but to ice him out. I don't engage in small talk with him, I don't approach whatever group he's in, I don't go near him. It's been 18 months, I feel like a horrible person, but every time I exchange so much as a pleasantry, he goes full force again.

I've had this situation twice. One was a colleague to whom I was able to say 'Sorry, I am really not interested in you. Please leave me alone'. He gazed for a while but eventually got over it.

The other was REALLY awkward as he was a friend of a friend.

[katycoo]

Yes, I've done it successfully.

In that situation I very much wanted to maintain the friendship, and I felt strongly that if the man in question asked me out and was rejected, then our friendship would have to change.

Admittedly, we were younger, so I've no idea if this would fly now, but I basically sent him an email acknowledging that I'd heard rumours he was keen.  I told him how much I valued his friendship and said that I was flattered but not attracted to him in that way.
I also gave an all important out - that I hoped I wasn't embarrassing myself if the rumours weren't true, and if that was so, he could just ignore the whole email.

So - he got to pretend he was never going to ask me, and I got to keep a good friend.