I love you, I trust you, here're my passwords

[Calypso]

Well the thing that was initially asked about in the OP was the idea that couples are now doing the 'password sharing' thing as a kind of rite-of-passage to show just how much they loved and trusted each other  . I don't know whether that's true or not but I believe that's what was suggested. If there is that kind of expectation attached then I can see how some people could find it difficult to say 'no'. Not everyone has etiquette hell to help them with their spine of steel 

Personally, I think it's a stupid idea, but I keep hearing things like 'it's a rule that you have sex on the third date' which also seems stupid to me. I'm so out of touch with the dating world that for all I know both are made up stories put about by a horny stalker with access to hollywood scripts, so I was just discussing it in the abstract, as it were.

Yes, this is what the NPR story focused on---people in the relatively early stages of dating/relationship who ask for/expect passwords to be shared, long before the security of a permanent relationship has happened (although the people who did it probably thought they were with their forever partners? I guess?)

I also know my sweetie's ATM PIN and email passwords, and, as pps have said, it's for his convenience. We've been together 18 years and I'm in my early 50s. He's been told my passwords but I don't think he remembers any of them  I just wonder, if I were (30!!  ) years younger, what I'd do if a guy I was interested in asked me to do this....I'd like to think I'd have the sense to say "oh, helz no!" but, remembering what a wimp I was at that age, well......

[Dindrane]

I guess I'm a little different, because while I don't really agree with demanding his passwords, it is extremely strange to me that people refuse to allow their spouses to have access to their personal stuff. I can see it for work owned equipment and files, but personal? This is the man I've played scrabble with for over 20 years. I don't think it gets any more personal than that.

I think it could potentially come down to the same reason why some couples maintain separate bank accounts and others don't.  Each relationship is different, and people have different comfort levels with sharing money/information/space/whatever.  Some people feel a very strong need to maintain a certain amount of separateness, even though they love their spouses and view themselves as a unit.  Other people feel a strong need to merge as much as possible, even though they are still comfortable as individuals.  Everyone falls in a different place on that spectrum, and there are pros and cons for all of it.

[JillyJ]

We agreed when we first got computers and internet access, that all things would be kept open and honest.

I know that you probably weren't trying to imply that the non password sharers aren't open and honest, but that's how it sort of came across.  My husband and I have a very open and honest relationship.  Together, we set the boundaries of our relationship.  We had a discussion and openly and honestly agreed that we couldn't possibly care less about having each other's passwords.  If situations come up where password sharing is necessary we deal with it in the moment (for example every time I have to unlock his phone to do something - say when he's driving - he has to give me the code again, cause I never remember it).  As far as the rest of it goes - there are so many ways to "hide" things if you are deceitful that I doubt having passwords ever makes a difference anyway. 

As for your other comment about not understanding people not sharing the personal stuff with their spouse I agree witn Dindrane's remarks that it is different for each relationship, and that some of us desire a certain amount of seperateness.  I love my husband, it took a long time to find him and I am grateful for each moment I spend with him in my life.  But I have thoughts and emotions and sometimes hopes and fears I don't share with him.  And he has the same.  Sometimes they are things that eventually get shared, sometimes not.  I didn't stop being an individual the day we married, and I'm still entitled to a piece of myself that is just for me.  The key in all of this (and the password debate) is to make sure you are in a relationship with someone who views relationships the same way that you do.  And often people don't discuss this kind of stuff before they take the plunge.

As an aside - frequently it's threads like this that serve as the catalyst for conversations with my husband.  We've long since tackled this issue, but I will often read something like this, where it wouldn't have occured to me that it might be a relationship issue and go home and say, "How do we feel about..." and then we'll talk it out and come to an understanding.

[Dys]

Do you do this?
>> household - yes, personal & work no.
For what kind of accounts, if so? (Netflix, Facebook, email, bank accounts?)
>> household - gas, electric, council tax - details in the home file. All anyone could do if they obtained them would be to pay my fuel bills
>> Petsonal & Work - dont share them.
If you do this, (and you want to share this), what's your age range?
>> early thirties
Have you ever asked someone to share their passwords with you, and they said no? Or vice versa?
>>No, the only reason I'd ask would be familial tech support.
Have you felt pressured to do this?
>> Not at all.
Do you think it's a reasonable request and a good way to show you trust someone?
>> If other half had a valid readon for needing to know my personal passwords, then I'd have no problem. But he's never asked me, I've never asked him without having a need to know. It's a non-issue. I trust him, he trusts me ( empirical evidence suggests ). Work passwords, heck no. He doesnt need to know them.
If you did this and now wish you hadn't....why?
>> many years ago I trusted my brother with an online gaming password to check something for me. Bless the keyloggers and viruses he had. It was a pain to sort out. Ouch

Me and other half have been together 15+ years. I could guess his passwords if I wanted to. I don't want to. He's unlikey to guess mine because I switch languages at random.
I'm also keen on computer security. I don't share or write down my passwords at work or at home. account access? We have a joint account to which we each have access individually using our own passwords. Our wills cover who gets what in case of emergencies / tragedies.

I guess my nerd-sense gets twitchy at the thought of poor security arrangements.

Dys

[HappilyInsane]

We agreed when we first got computers and internet access, that all things would be kept open and honest.

I know that you probably weren't trying to imply that the non password sharers aren't open and honest, but that's how it sort of came across.

As for your other comment about not understanding people not sharing the personal stuff with their spouse I agree witn Dindrane's remarks that it is different for each relationship, and that some of us desire a certain amount of seperateness.   views relationships the same way that you do.  And often people don't discuss this kind of stuff before they take the plunge.

I'm sorry, I didn't realize it came across that way and certainly didn't mean for it to. I get that it's different to each relationship and I don't tend to judge how people live. I am very much in the 'whatever floats your boat, as long as it doesn't harm me' category. I certainly don't think my way is the only right way.

I guess it just kind of surprised me when I was reading this thread, to see some say that they would never give their spouse their password. Maybe I just can't get across in words what I'm trying to say, again, sorry if I accidently offended anyone  . I don't see it so much as proving trust, it's more like just a natural byproduct of existing trust to me. Does that make sense?

[JillyJ]

We agreed when we first got computers and internet access, that all things would be kept open and honest.

I know that you probably weren't trying to imply that the non password sharers aren't open and honest, but that's how it sort of came across.

As for your other comment about not understanding people not sharing the personal stuff with their spouse I agree witn Dindrane's remarks that it is different for each relationship, and that some of us desire a certain amount of seperateness.   views relationships the same way that you do.  And often people don't discuss this kind of stuff before they take the plunge.

I'm sorry, I didn't realize it came across that way and certainly didn't mean for it to. I get that it's different to each relationship and I don't tend to judge how people live. I am very much in the 'whatever floats your boat, as long as it doesn't harm me' category. I certainly don't think my way is the only right way.

I guess it just kind of surprised me when I was reading this thread, to see some say that they would never give their spouse their password. Maybe I just can't get across in words what I'm trying to say, again, sorry if I accidently offended anyone  . I don't see it so much as proving trust, it's more like just a natural byproduct of existing trust to me. Does that make sense?

Yes, that makes sense.  And sorry that I took it wrong - I actually have gotten in arguments about this issue (and shared bank accounts) where people have basically said that my relationship is doomed because we don't trust each other (which I assure you we do) so I am probably overly sensitive on the topic.  And your reaction about seeing this thread and thinking, "What?" is similar to what I was saying above about how these threads (and advice columns) often have led to conversations with my husband about what our boundaries are.  LOL

[Iris]

We agreed when we first got computers and internet access, that all things would be kept open and honest.

I know that you probably weren't trying to imply that the non password sharers aren't open and honest, but that's how it sort of came across.

As for your other comment about not understanding people not sharing the personal stuff with their spouse I agree witn Dindrane's remarks that it is different for each relationship, and that some of us desire a certain amount of seperateness.   views relationships the same way that you do.  And often people don't discuss this kind of stuff before they take the plunge.

I'm sorry, I didn't realize it came across that way and certainly didn't mean for it to. I get that it's different to each relationship and I don't tend to judge how people live. I am very much in the 'whatever floats your boat, as long as it doesn't harm me' category. I certainly don't think my way is the only right way.

I guess it just kind of surprised me when I was reading this thread, to see some say that they would never give their spouse their password. Maybe I just can't get across in words what I'm trying to say, again, sorry if I accidently offended anyone  . I don't see it so much as proving trust, it's more like just a natural byproduct of existing trust to me. Does that make sense?

Yes, that makes sense.  And sorry that I took it wrong - I actually have gotten in arguments about this issue (and shared bank accounts) where people have basically said that my relationship is doomed because we don't trust each other (which I assure you we do) so I am probably overly sensitive on the topic.  And your reaction about seeing this thread and thinking, "What?" is similar to what I was saying above about how these threads (and advice columns) often have led to conversations with my husband about what our boundaries are.  LOL

I have thought that a relationship was doomed because of financial things, but it was a letter to Dear Prudence where the couple had separate bank accounts. Which meant that the wife was paying for all of the fertility treatments they needed to have to have a baby - after all, SHE was the one attending appointments  - while her husband was still buying himself expensive toys. I suspect that sometimes that is what people hear when they hear 'separate finances'.

[SisJackson]

I guess it just kind of surprised me when I was reading this thread, to see some say that they would never give their spouse their password.

I liken it to privacy in the bathroom.  I know a lot of couples who use the toilet in front of each other.  That's fine for them.  We don't do that.  We pee in front of the cat, and that's only because she does insist that we do so, the crazy furball.  So, we let her in and close the door behind us.  We aren't hiding in there, there's nothing in there the other hasn't seen before.  It's just private.  If there was ever a true need to have Mr. J watch me do that, I would of course let him.  Same with sharing a password.  It's just not a need that's frequently come up.

I did mention this thread to Mr. J and he reminded me that I'd given him my email password while I was traveling and he needed it to retrieve the password from a pet food site I'd registered for that he needed to reorder from.  I'd forgotten all about it.  He didn't make a note of it or memorize it, because he respects my privacy.

[HappilyInsane]

I get what you are saying SisJackson and thank you. When I posted that, it was more a curiosity of why people felt that way instead of a criticism. I have no problems at all with people having different views on things, but sometimes I like to know their reasons for thinking as they do.

[Slartibartfast]

I've seen this from the other side - some of my best friends went through a nightmare scenario last year.  Bob was in a serious motorcycle accident and was in the ICU for several months, but Alice couldn't get to ANYTHING "official" without Bob's passwords.  There was a master list, but it was stored on the laptop Bob had in his backpack during the crash    Even once Bob got out of the ICU, he still had severe mental and cognitive problems and wasn't able to do anything computer-related for a long time - and still doesn't remember some of the common passwords he's been using his whole life.

Bob and Alice are both techie-type people, and as a result there were a LOT of things Alice couldn't straighten out until she got the legal power of attorney or whatever, which took almost six months.  Bob is now back at home, more than a year after his accident, but he still has lots of memory issues and may never recover them all.  It's a really scary situation.  They did have the major stuff in place (legal will, etc.) but that doesn't help when you're on the phone with a service provider in a different state who is sending you a recurring bill each month and you can't get them to cancel the service because your name isn't on the account 

So partly because of that, DH and I made a bigger conscious attempt to make sure we know each other's passwords.  I know his basic ones (the ones he uses for everything) and he knows the formula I derive my passwords from.  I've never logged into his email, but I suspect I probably could if I sat down and made a list of every password I know he's ever used and worked from there.  He's let me log into his World of Warcraft account, so he does trust me    I do all the finances, but I also intentionally get paper statements sent to the house so if something happened (to me, the computer, the Internet, the bank, or whatever) we would have a way to get the information we need right away.

More importantly, we both know the general gist of what the other is involved with online - he knows about eHell and my usual online activities, I know about his gaming sites and programming blogs.  We've also had the talk about Scrabble-related sites and are both comfortable with the current level of each other's Scrabble-related Internet time even though we don't discuss the details    (I recognize that this tolerance varies from "none at all" to "go for it" among different couples, but I do think it's important to at least be honest about it with each other!)

[SisJackson]

He's let me log into his World of Warcraft account, so he does trust me   

That is some serious trust.  You could totally leave him naked at the top of a mountain somewhere, yet you don't. 

[Slartibartfast]

He's let me log into his World of Warcraft account, so he does trust me   

That is some serious trust.  You could totally leave him naked at the top of a mountain somewhere, yet you don't. 

That assumes I could figure out his #$@#()*$#@ mouse controls - he's got the camera view loose, so I'll frequently run off cliffs or into lakes when I'm assuming his character is headed straight but he's actually facing fifteen degrees to the left or whatever 

[zyrs]

My wife and I know a few of each others passwords.  I sometimes log her on our mmo if I need a raise and vice versa.  But email and stuff, we don't share them.  We do have them written down for each other in our emergency file but that is for emergencies.  We are both really private and have had our privacy ignored in previous relationships so we are both respectful of the other person.

[Ferrets]

My mind went instantly to this Girls With Slingshots strip...

[JolieFille]

My bf and I share passwords to things like fb and stuff like that. It's really only because he likes to surprise me with farmcash or doing something nice like that for me. The only thing it's done is convince fb that I need Canadian car insurance. 

I'm also pretty good at guessing people's passwords. Last time my bf was here he needed to check his email, and I logged him in before he knew what to say. It was really rather funny.

I know my parents passwords too. My mom has memory problems and wouldn't remember them if I didn't, and I help my dad out by filing taxes and paying bills and all that sort of thing. I'm kinda the tech support around here. I even know my nana's passwords, because she asks for help creating accounts to places like iTunes and such.