Etiquette School is in session! > Complete Silence

Had to use some form of this - my mother and my weight

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I am a bigger woman.  I have been that way for a good part of my life.  Part of it is my bad choices regarding food & exercise, part of it is medical reasons.

Recently, I went on vacation which included attending a NYE party & concert hosted by a favorite musical artist of mine.  I met up with many friends, some for the first time in person after online chatting, some I've seen before in person.  Many of those who talked with me also wanted a picture to remember seeing me which I agreed to do.

My mother wanted to see the pictures from the trip as I went to a foreign country when I was back home.  No issues when looking at the ones that were mainly touristy things, etc.  As she was going through the concert and party pictures, she came across the ones of me with various friends.  She then said, "if you lost about 20 or 30 lbs, you would look better..."  It took a lot of self control not to bite back & make any form of a reply back to her.  Keep in mind, my mother has never been fat in her life nor has to worry about her size.

Ugh I am so sorry you have to deal with that :(  My mom always says that I shouldn't feel bad when family says stuff like that because they are just trying to show they care, not hurt my feelings.  My response is that my way of showing I care is by not bringing up things that would hurt that person. 

I think you showed impressive restraint!  Good for you!

"If you thought before speaking, you'd be a lot more pleasant to be around."

No? Too harsh, do you think?  How about "Mom, that really hurt"?


--- Quote from: artk2002 on January 25, 2012, 04:06:42 PM ---"If you thought before speaking, you'd be a lot more pleasant to be around."

No? Too harsh, do you think?  How about "Mom, that really hurt"?

--- End quote ---

I like the first one - after all, MissRose cares about her mother so shouldn't she let her know?  >:D

Okay, no, really option 2 is more polite. Less fun, but more polite.

Ugh! Why can't parents deal with the kids they have instead of the ones they wanted? When I was a teen, and 34 - 24 - 34, my parents gave me more grief for gaining an ounce or getting a zit than for failing a test! I spent most of my life convinced I was gross, yet when I look back now at old photos I can see that I was slender and actually beautiful.

So I'm 31 and mom comes to help me with my wedding dress (we sew everything in our family) and the first words out of her mouth, after not seeing be for a couple of weeks, are "Wow -- you've really packed it on." In the first place, I hadn't; it was just that the idealized version of me that lived in her head was much thinner. And in the second place, I'd had enough. I told her "Mother, you've been criticizing my weight my entire life. It hurts my feelings, and I don't ever want to hear about it again." Her answer was that she had no idea I felt like that, and that she'd never mention it again. And she never did.

It's hard to take a stand when family members say critical things -- at that point I'd been putting up with and unfortunately internalizing it for seventeen years -- but when I calmly but assertively protested, it got results. It's worth doing.


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