Author Topic: Had to use some form of this - my mother and my weight  (Read 21499 times)

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Drawberry

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Re: Had to use some form of this - my mother and my weight
« Reply #45 on: March 08, 2012, 05:03:21 PM »
She's seems to have this need to point out obese women, if we're at lunch, or where driving around and we passed by a large woman (almost never men) she would always have some comment to make.

One day, my mother sat me down and asked me why all my friends were fat. I hadn't thought about them that way before.

When I was younger it didn't really strike me that this was all from my mother and about my mother. Not to do with me. Or other people.

 I never really had close friends in school, but when I got older I developed a close friendship with a girl around my age that lived out of state. At the time I had lost the weight from high school, my friend 'J' is plus size.
/BG of doomy long-ness/
I would visit her and her family for about a week each year, where she and I would attend a fairly large local comic/anime/sci-fi convention where she and I would cosplay(She flew in to my place a few times as well for similar events in my state). If you are not familiar with cosplay, imagine something similar to a Ren-Fest. The cosplayers make or purchase costumes based off of TV shows, books, movies, cartoons, comics, etc.. very often we go 'all out' in trying to get our costume to look as realistic and accurate as we can, using stage make up and wigs for each costume to completely alter our appearances into that of our character. Some people do a lot of work into their costumes (either sewing them themselves or spending great money for them to be commissioned) and other's take a more casual approach to the hobby and chose to spend less money and time into it then others, more often they will chose mass-produced costumes over the pricier commissioned ones. I am one of the folks who tends to spend more money for commissioning pieces or buying clothing online to piece together my costume one part at a time. The most I've spent on a costume has been around $150-170, which compared to many other cosplayers is considered very very cheap! My friend 'J' is the kind who takes the hobby more casually and most of her costumes have been purchased during Halloween and DO look wonderful on her.

One of the inevitable outcomes for cosplayers is we often have our pictures taken at the convention or when we go out in costume. (many of the conventions are around places like malls, and restaurants for convince, so cosplayers will be in costume while going to the mall or getting some dinner) Many times a particularly popular series (Such as Harry Potter for example) will have cosplayers that start gatherings at the convention where they do huge photoshoots of everyone who came to the gathering dressed for that series. Both hobbits and paid photographers alike show up to conventions these days to get wonderful pictures of those cosplaying, it is not unusual for someone to end up in the local news paper coverage of the convention! (If you are curious I am joined up on a website that lets users post images of themselves and friends in costume and each user get's their own gallery to put their costumes up on, here is mine: http://www.cosplay.com/costumes/m175711/ the gallery is done from newest on top to oldest a the bottom, and yes that's me looking like an enormous dork face in all of them.) /End BG/

Keeping the photography in mind, it has always been inevitable that my mother will make some kind of commentary on J's weight. She will enjoy seeing pictures of myself from the convention, but when it gets to ones of J she will always comment on her weight.Suggesting that she looks 'fat' in every picture (while J is large, it isn't my mothers business to point it out). Always. It got to the point where she would tell me to get lots and lots of pictures of myself (as if I am going to go to each photographer I see and beg them to take my picture?) without J in the pictures...which is fine I understand she wants some pictures of her daughter alone. But it got to the point where she just wouldn't even bother to look at a picture of JUST J, and I eventually stopped showing her because of the commentary she'd make on J in her costume. It became my mother comparing my costlier costumes to her cheaper ones, that mine looked better and her's looked cheaper. My mother KNEW I spent quite a lot of money on mine, that I take the hobby more 'seriously' then J does and that J will spend much less on her costumes. But it always became comparing J and I, either with her being overweight or her costumes being cheaper. It became hurtful because I've been close with J since we where around 13 years old, and she was a good friend to me for many years. But it seemed like no matter what I said to her my mother would get upset and angry with me for telling her that her comments where rude and hurtful, telling me I was too sensitive and at some points she'd just blow up into swearing at me and stomp out of the room. After moving in with Boyfriend and different things in our lives drawing us apart J and I have spoken a lot less often then we used to, something my mother has expressed being happy with. I believe she always felt I was 'too good' for J :/

I am glad that J was never around to hear my mothers commentary, at least that much I can be thankful for. Just recently J expressed that she had been jealous of me when we cosplayed because I often had a few private photoshoots done at different conventions (where a photographer has politely asked if I'd be willing to go to a quiet area and do some pictures with them-They usually have quite a lot of equipment such as large lights or reflectors to set up that can make the photoshoots take easily over an hour to complete. But it really is a lot of fun) and she felt left out that she hadn't been asked to do so herself. Feeling as if her being overweight was the cause of not being given the same kind of attention. This confession from her only cemented for me the hurtful nature of my mothers comments about J and kind of shook me up.





Coley

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Re: Had to use some form of this - my mother and my weight
« Reply #46 on: March 08, 2012, 07:13:36 PM »
I believe she always felt I was 'too good' for J :/

And that's the crux of the problem, isn't it? You (and therefore she by extension) are too good for J. It's the same message I got from my mother. My friends weren't good enough, and she viewed them as a reflection on her.

I really liked your cosplay photos. Thanks for posting the link!  :)

Drawberry

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Re: Had to use some form of this - my mother and my weight
« Reply #47 on: March 08, 2012, 09:04:19 PM »
I believe she always felt I was 'too good' for J :/

And that's the crux of the problem, isn't it? You (and therefore she by extension) are too good for J. It's the same message I got from my mother. My friends weren't good enough, and she viewed them as a reflection on her.

I really liked your cosplay photos. Thanks for posting the link!  :)

I think my mother liked it better when I didn't have friends because at least she didn't have something 'bad' reflecting on her...I am really thankful that J was never able to find out the comments made by her at the very least! It feels like I (and I am sure a lot of the rest of you ) could just go on and on..

Haha thank you! I really appreciate it.

Softly Spoken

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Re: Had to use some form of this - my mother and my weight
« Reply #48 on: March 20, 2012, 12:15:21 AM »
this happens to me all the time...naturally i despise it. my usual response it.

"I am shaped like a viking, i am decended from vikings...and please remember what they are capable of" i always say it laughing...but they get the hint
I love LOVE this as a comeback  ;D ... but I don't think I can use it because I am very short.  :( Somehow I don't think "I'm descended from Hobbits..." has the same effect. What else is roly poli and intimidating?  :-\  A Blue Meanie? *Sigh*...

Any ideas?  ???
"... for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
-William Shakespeare

"We find comfort among those who agree with us - growth among those who don't."  ~Frank A. Clark

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Had to use some form of this - my mother and my weight
« Reply #49 on: March 20, 2012, 11:57:08 AM »
Molly Weasley?

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

MissRose

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Re: Had to use some form of this - my mother and my weight
« Reply #50 on: April 03, 2012, 03:09:20 PM »
Please forgive your mother and remember that the fault is not with you. She has an incurable disease, called PerpetualFootInTheMouth or PFIM for short. Although is not life threatening, it has very unfortunate side effects.

And yes, people with the PFIM disease should only be given complete silences so as to prevent more outbreak of symptoms.

You did very well indeed.

Thank you :) Love the PFIM thing  >:D

MissRose

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Re: Had to use some form of this - my mother and my weight
« Reply #51 on: April 03, 2012, 03:14:41 PM »
This I know is an incredibly unhealthy attitude to have and detest feeling that sense of having to match up to her standards.

I really like the insight in your post, and especially this.  I wish for you that you match up to only your own standards, and that at some point your mother's words cease to hurt you.

Thank you both.  Its hard to know that the 1 person's approval I want more than anything I will never get.   At least others in my family and circle of friends do not make me earn their approval & love by my appearance, etc