Author Topic: Had to use some form of this - my mother and my weight  (Read 21556 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

nuit93

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1125
Re: Had to use some form of this - my mother and my weight
« Reply #15 on: February 20, 2012, 02:44:01 AM »
My mom is like that too, only she realized that she'd never get anywhere with me by bugging me about my weight directly, so now she talks about "heavy" people (who are smaller than me) within earshot of me, or her "fat" days where she reached a staggering 145lbs (she's 5'6").  And she'll obsess loudly about her "belly"...even though she's now down to a size 2/4.

TheOtherLove

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 6
Re: Had to use some form of this - my mother and my weight
« Reply #16 on: February 20, 2012, 04:18:27 PM »
Wow...ever think your mom cares about your health and your happieness?  That is what moms are for...to tell you what you don't want to hear.  Do something about it or just let it roll off your back.  You would not be saying anything if it did not rub a raw nerve.

Yvaine

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8846
Re: Had to use some form of this - my mother and my weight
« Reply #17 on: February 20, 2012, 05:06:36 PM »
Wow...ever think your mom cares about your health and your happieness?  That is what moms are for...to tell you what you don't want to hear.  Do something about it or just let it roll off your back.  You would not be saying anything if it did not rub a raw nerve.

That's not what moms are for when their children are grown adults, no. It's rude to just spew out unsolicited appearance advice to people. This post comes off as super snarky and condescending.

Venus193

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 15889
  • Backstage passes are wonderful things!
Re: Had to use some form of this - my mother and my weight
« Reply #18 on: February 20, 2012, 05:15:36 PM »
Wow...ever think your mom cares about your health and your happieness?  That is what moms are for...to tell you what you don't want to hear.  Do something about it or just let it roll off your back.  You would not be saying anything if it did not rub a raw nerve.

That's not what moms are for when their children are grown adults, no. It's rude to just spew out unsolicited appearance advice to people. This post comes off as super snarky and condescending.

There does come a point where unsolicited parental advice has to stop because all it does is create bad feeling.  Especially if it results in undermining the confidence of the adult child.
« Last Edit: February 21, 2012, 05:36:09 PM by Venus193 »

Yvaine

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8846
Re: Had to use some form of this - my mother and my weight
« Reply #19 on: February 20, 2012, 05:18:55 PM »
Wow...ever think your mom cares about your health and your happieness?  That is what moms are for...to tell you what you don't want to hear.  Do something about it or just let it roll off your back.  You would not be saying anything if it did not rub a raw nerve.

That's not what moms are for when their children are grown adults, no. It's rude to just spew out unsolicited appearance advice to people. This post comes off as super snarky and condescending.

The does come a point where unsolicited parental advice has to stop because all it does is create bad feeling.  Especially if it results in undermining the confidence of the adult child.

And etiquettely speaking, it's just plain rude. You don't go around telling people to lose weight unless you are their doctor or unless they actually want advice from you.

There's no etiquette police, of course, and people are free to decide that their aesthetic standards outweigh etiquette in their own lives and go around telling people they're fat. But it's rather silly when people defend that on an etiquette board!

TurtleDove

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5861
Re: Had to use some form of this - my mother and my weight
« Reply #20 on: February 20, 2012, 05:28:47 PM »
Wow...ever think your mom cares about your health and your happieness?  That is what moms are for...to tell you what you don't want to hear.  Do something about it or just let it roll off your back.  You would not be saying anything if it did not rub a raw nerve.

I don't disagree.  OP, if you are happy how you are, then be happy and consider ignoring or reducing contact with your mother.  Be you, be happy, be confident, and ignore people who are not value adds to your life.

But if you are not happy with how you are, consider whether there are steps you can take to become happy.  I know for me, if something upsets me that someone else says about me, it is usually because I suspect they may have a point.  Not saying this is the case for you, just saying it is the case for me.  Weight is not my issue, but just in general, if someone criticizes me and I am comfortable with myself in that area, it doesn't bother me and it is easy for me to dismiss the opinion as ignorant/useless/unwanted/____.  If the criticism truly bothers me, I take a look at why, and it is usually, in my experience, because someone pointed out something I was not being honest with myself about and the criticism allowed me to take charge and be the person I wanted to be. 

jedikaiti

  • Swiss Army Nerd
  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2732
  • A pie in the hand is worth two in the mail.
Re: Had to use some form of this - my mother and my weight
« Reply #21 on: February 20, 2012, 05:42:29 PM »
And if you're not happy but other priorities have to come before that one, then so be it!

I once got a very nice, thoughtful card from my folks in the mail, stating that they were concerned about my weight. It's true, it's a problem, and war I've been fighting since I was 6. The card was perfectly respectful and thoughtful, but could NOT have come at a worse time. School & finances had me so stressed I could barely stand to eat, and my BF all but had to stand over me and push food in my mouth just to get ANY nutrients in me at all! You can imagine that trying to get myself to eat ANYTHING was even worse after that. I finally had to decide that trying to get my stress levels down HAD to come first and foremost (which meant focusing on my other stressors), and my weight -and that card- had to go completely off the radar if I was going to not end up in a hospital.
What part of v_e = \sqrt{\frac{2GM}{r}} don't you understand? It's only rocket science!

"The problem with re-examining your brilliant ideas is that more often than not, you discover they are the intellectual equivalent of saying, 'Hold my beer and watch this!'" - Cindy Couture

Mental Magpie

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5244
  • ...for the dark side looks back.
Re: Had to use some form of this - my mother and my weight
« Reply #22 on: February 20, 2012, 07:42:12 PM »
Wow...ever think your mom cares about your health and your happieness?  That is what moms are for...to tell you what you don't want to hear.  Do something about it or just let it roll off your back.  You would not be saying anything if it did not rub a raw nerve.

That's not what moms are for when their children are grown adults, no. It's rude to just spew out unsolicited appearance advice to people. This post comes off as super snarky and condescending.

The does come a point where unsolicited parental advice has to stop because all it does is create bad feeling.  Especially if it results in undermining the confidence of the adult child.

And etiquettely speaking, it's just plain rude. You don't go around telling people to lose weight unless you are their doctor or unless they actually want advice from you.

There's no etiquette police, of course, and people are free to decide that their aesthetic standards outweigh etiquette in their own lives and go around telling people they're fat. But it's rather silly when people defend that on an etiquette board!

Thank you, Yvaine, for saying what I was too flabbergasted to get out. 
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

edgypeanuts

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 152
Re: Had to use some form of this - my mother and my weight
« Reply #23 on: February 21, 2012, 11:58:34 AM »
Wow...ever think your mom cares about your health and your happieness?  That is what moms are for...to tell you what you don't want to hear.  Do something about it or just let it roll off your back.  You would not be saying anything if it did not rub a raw nerve.
I didn't read anything about any health problems or unhappiness.  Often that is what people who are uncomfortable with themselves project onto overweight people. 

She was traveling, visiting friends, etc and what mom got out of the pics is you would look better if..?  I would also look better with bigger breasts, but mine didn't grow that way- would you suggest that I should do something about that?

Thin does not equal happy.  I was very strict about diet and exercise for awhile, but I was only a few pounds lighter and I was miserable.  Now, I try to eat healthy, I try to get as much exercise as I can, but I do not let either rule my life.  Happiness is much more than what you look like in pictures. 
My sister was always down on herself due to her weight, yet she got an unrelated cancer at 35 and died at 42.  She had so many friends and a wonderful family and did so much for the community and everyone, yet she was made to feel unworthy due to being a little chubby, by people who "cared about her health."  She has been gone years and I still miss her, it angers me that some people thought how she looked was more important than how she felt.  She was beautiful.

Wordgeek

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 2021
Re: Had to use some form of this - my mother and my weight
« Reply #24 on: February 21, 2012, 12:09:53 PM »
TheOtherLove will no longer be participating in this discussion.  Everyone else, carry on.

Nemesis

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 749
Re: Had to use some form of this - my mother and my weight
« Reply #25 on: February 23, 2012, 01:04:49 AM »
Please forgive your mother and remember that the fault is not with you. She has an incurable disease, called PerpetualFootInTheMouth or PFIM for short. Although is not life threatening, it has very unfortunate side effects.

And yes, people with the PFIM disease should only be given complete silences so as to prevent more outbreak of symptoms.

You did very well indeed.

Drawberry

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 130
Re: Had to use some form of this - my mother and my weight
« Reply #26 on: February 27, 2012, 06:20:58 PM »
Hey there, unfortunately this is a statement I've heard from my mother most of my life.

When I was much younger I had always been a fairly short but extremely slender child. Well into my early-mid teens I often got comments from family members about how 'long and slender' my legs looked and I was always an outdoor-activity kinda kid. (something I still enjoy into adulthood) However, as befalls many of us when we start our later school years and puberty hits us at it's strongest, I became the 'chubby kid'. Now at the time I saw myself in my head as far larger then I was in reality and looking back on picture of myself then I think "Wow. I looked so much better then I thought I did. Silly teenage Drawberry with no self-esteem"/head shake/ but I was certainly not the stereotyped attractive, slender, long flowing mermaid hair-esque teen girl that seems to be expected (and demanded in many ways) of young girls at that age. My mother was quick to point this out to me.

I vividly recall, and have held this with me for years, a day she and I where at a popular clothing chain at the local mall. We where walking past the Juniors clothing isle when I spotted a small display on the wall featuring some very pretty, flowing style tank tops. The sort that are very thin spaghetti straps with triangle style 'cups' for the top and an empire waistline from which the fabric flowed down oh-so gently and seemed to billow beautifully in a mysterious wind. I had (and do to this day) yearned to wear such pretty, feminine style tops for many years-weight issues aside I am also rather' well endowed' and had the unfortunate pleasure of being the first young lady in my school to visibly show the onset of puberty, at the ripe old age of 12 where friends pointed out I was already filling up 'grown up' size bra's, where everyone else was still wearing those bandeau style 'training bras'.( It was something I felt greatly conflicted with for many years. )Needless to say I knew full well that fitting myself into a teeny little triangle like that was bound to be a sight and had no real intention of wearing it under that principle alone.

When I commented wistfully to my mother "Those shirts are really pretty" and pointed at the display, she stopped to look. Then without turning back to me said "You're too fat to wear those" and continued walking away.

Needless to say I was mortified and relatively sure another mother with her young daughter looking around the racks nearby overheard this exchange.

Over the years I have frequently been told by her that my perfect weight should be no more then 115lbs, based on her own personal opinion mind you. Not on something a medical personnel ever stated.(I am, as is my mother, 5'3 ) Even when I was at my most slender, in which I easily fit into a size 6 in US pant sizes, if I gained any tiny amount of weight it was the first thing I heard about. I would walk out of my room first thing in the morning and she'd look at me with this scrutinizing look and declare"Have you gained weight? Your face is looking a little fat", and if I lost any weight the first thing I would hear is "Your looking really skinny today" like I had achieved something grand and was being celebrated. She said it in a way like she was so proud of me for being skinny.

I love my mother, and my relationship with her has gotten better over time. But I am well aware that my issues with body image and self-esteem come from a place very close to home and are very hard to shake. I have gained some weight over the winter, due in part to my own laziness and battles with depression (an on going issue since my very very early years), and I have been invited to visit her come spring. One of my greatest fears has become her finding out how much weight I have gained and fighting desperately to drop the pounds as much as I can before I see her next, because I KNOW the first chance she has she'll pull me aside and start talking about how much weight I've gained. I just don't want to deal with her eyeing me up and down and hearing about how I am 'fat again', and all that negativity. It really has become a source of paranoia for me.

I manage to photograph decently, and know my 'angles' to be able to mask the extra bit of weight I've added on over the winter so the pictures she's seen of me so far bare little difference from the images of me a few months prior (when I was at my healthiest weight and activity level)

This I know is an incredibly unhealthy attitude to have and detest feeling that sense of having to match up to her standards.


TurtleDove

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5861
Re: Had to use some form of this - my mother and my weight
« Reply #27 on: February 27, 2012, 10:19:55 PM »
This I know is an incredibly unhealthy attitude to have and detest feeling that sense of having to match up to her standards.

I really like the insight in your post, and especially this.  I wish for you that you match up to only your own standards, and that at some point your mother's words cease to hurt you. 

Coley

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1186
Re: Had to use some form of this - my mother and my weight
« Reply #28 on: February 28, 2012, 10:18:47 AM »
This I know is an incredibly unhealthy attitude to have and detest feeling that sense of having to match up to her standards.

I really like the insight in your post, and especially this.  I wish for you that you match up to only your own standards, and that at some point your mother's words cease to hurt you.

The messages our parents put in our heads can be very difficult to erase. Over time, those comments about appearance just seem to magnify and shake our self-confidence. My mother began commenting on my weight when I was in college. "You're looking a little wide in the rear," she said.

But I remember comments like that when I was even younger. When I was 11, I was getting a haircut, and she told the hairdresser that she preferred me in bangs because my forward is too narrow. I still have bangs, and I'm 44. As a teen, if I did not spend the 30 minutes it took to curl my long hair with a curling iron, I was asked, "why don't you do something with that hair?" In fact, I still wear my long hair straight, and I'm still asked "when are you going to do something with your hair?" As if the style I've chosen isn't sufficient.

Then there was the acne. I heard endlessly about how bad my skin looked. When I was high school, I began refusing to leave the house without makeup, and I do the same to this day. I'm extremely self-conscious about my skin.

She does the same with my brother. At Thanksgiving, she asked him why he hadn't gotten a haircut, as if his hairstyle were a poor choice on his part. If we respond with, "I like it this way," she will respond with a sarcastic, "Oh. Whatever."

These comments that are meant to "help" often are not helpful at all. They are destructive. It's not as if we are unaware of our weight, our skin, our hair, our weak chins. As a child and teen, I did not feel accepted for who I was, and this feeling carried through well into adulthood. However, I know that the comments come from my mother's fear that my appearance is/was a reflection on her. It's a narcissistic tendency on her part.

That the comments continue into our adulthood is rude. Our mothers likely would be respectful enough not comment on their friends' appearances. "Oh, Marion, you're looking a bit wide in the rear. You could stand to lose some weight." The perception of "ownership" where children are concerned does not exist with friendships, and the boundaries are clearer. Imagine if I said to my mother, "Gosh, when are you going to touch up your roots?" When I was a teen, I once told my mother that I wasn't sure her blouse matched her skirt. She came unglued.

I have been able to overcome many of the boundary issues where my mother is concerned, but my lack of confidence about my appearance is still there. I wish I could say otherwise. There is the feeling that acceptance only comes when you meet all the criteria that have been set for you; however, I have learned the hard way that the bar always shifts. No matter how hard I try to meet the standards, they seem to change, and there will always be something wrong. To counter that, I am working at bean dipping and other deflections so the stings don't hurt as much.

Deep down, I know I'm not the one with the problem. The problem is my mother's own self-confidence.

Georgie

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 225
Re: Had to use some form of this - my mother and my weight
« Reply #29 on: February 28, 2012, 05:18:15 PM »
"Oh, Mom. You would be so much prettier if you lost 20-30 years"