Rude Everyone on Birthdays (From the New Update)

[Chivewarrior]

I think both the submitter and Miss Jeanne were rude in this case. (And yes, I realize that accusing EHellDame of rudeness is quite an accusation.)

It's pretty amazing to me how you purport to be such an etiquette maven, yet you are so unbelievably rude to so many people who write to you.

Someone throws their own birthday party. BIG DEAL. You think this is an etiquette problem? How about spread a little less uptight hatred and a little more love?

I'd suggest catching up with the times. It will never be okay to register for people to pay for your wedding. But organizing your own birthday party? Get over it. Pick your battles, Etiquette Queen.

FauxPasoftheYear0506-07

My husband has a useful phrase, "If you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, the one that yelps is the one that got hit."

Awww, did someone get bonked on the head when I  lobbed my rock into the pack of people having birthdays?   You probably had a rip-snorting birthday party you hosted in your own honor and since everyone knows birthdays are gift-giving occasions, you probably got gifts, too!  Pretty darn cool!  After years of annual practice directing people how best to honor you on your special birthdays, you're all primed and ready for your wedding day, the bestest day EVER for being the center of attention. 

<We'll just kinda whisper here that persons who host their own birthday parties are a desperate and pitiable sort of people. Imagine the pathetic situation of having friends and family that couldn't be bothered to honor their loved ones with a party every once in a while so the birthday "boy/girl" has to organize it themselves.  Or maybe it's that they have but the honoree is a greedy sucker who wants a party every. single. year. >

While the submitter phrased his submission very rudely and certainly deserves to be cast into E-Hell for that, he also has a valid point: simply organizing one's own birthday party is not inherently rude in many areas. If one goes about this tackily, then yes, it is rude, but if you host it fully, make clear that gifts aren't expected/required, and don't go crazy with the guest list, it can be nice.

And that last paragraph of Miss Jeanne's is overgeneralizing and rude. I can't think of anyone in this area, adult or otherwise, who would ever think to organize someone else's birthday, barring the occasional child's surprise party. It just isn't done- if you don't organize it yourself, it's assumed you don't want one. I think birthday parties are more of a gray area and depend much more on local tradition.

[Andromeda]

I like to organize my friend's parties, but I love to have parties in general. Not everyone has that kind of creative talent, money, or time, and if they decide they want to get a bunch of friends together and go to a restaurant, then so be it.

[Maria DD]

Where I live, we have a very simple solution to this problem. There are two pubs in town, so on your birthday, you just show up to one of them and chances are, most of your friends are there too.

[AllyKat]

I never got the whole "don't throw you're own birthday party" thing. Once I got old enough that my parents weren 't helping out, I did all the planning on my own. Every birthday party I've been to that hasn't been for a little kid has been planned by the person having the birthday. I don't get what's so rude about it.

[Aquigoth]

I understand not throwing an event where you're the guest of honor, as in not reserving a restaurant, expecting people to pay $70 a head for dinner, and sending out a list of places you're registered (that's a girl I don't miss as a friend even a  little). I'm not sure I see what's rude about inviting people out or over to your home to celebrate an important day. People do it for anniversaries, don't they? I'm also not sure if its rude to say "My birthday is friday and I'll be going to see X band at Y venue. Anyone who wants to meet up would be appreciated!" Does that count as throwing yourself a birthday party?

[Andromeda]

I think this is the problem: No it's not rude to say that you are going to a venue for your birthday. However, in my circle of friends, everyone just pays for their friend on their birthdays - we get them drinks. It's common here to do that kind of thing for your friend, and no one batts an eyelash.

However, last year, a girl that had been one of my friends but I'd lost contact with phoned me to say she was having her birthday at the bar and she'd love for me to come. In the months leading up to her birthday, she hadn't returned my phone calls or wanted to hang out. Now, since we pay for friends on their birthdays, I considered this quite rude - she invited me, knowing full well that everyone would pay for her drinks, and she wouldn't have to worry about a thing. I think if this is the case, only friends that are close to the birthday person should be invited.

[Aquigoth]

I think if this is the case, only friends that are close to the birthday person should be invited.

I tend to feel that way regardless of how the birthday is celebrated, but that may just be me

I can top that though, the girl who I mentioned in my previous comment called and left a message on my voicemail. Now I hadn't heard from her in a couple of months. The last time we'd spoken was when I hired her for a street team I was running, after that, nothing. So I get this voicemail message from her, and she doesn't identify herself, just launches into a description of this event. But first, she gets my name wrong. Yes, after listening to my message ("You've reached Aquigoth @ ###...") she starts with "Hey, Anit-gish". She then proceeds to tell me that its going to be her birthday next week, and she's having a party at some fancy pants restaurant. The meal will be 7 courses and be at least $70 "plus you know, drinks and tips or whatever".

I don't actually drink, and if she knew me, she'd have known, but whatever. She ends the message with "call me back at ### to let me know if you'll be there. Oh, and if you want to get me a present I'm registered at X, Y, and Z. You can just search the registries on their site for my name."

It took me 3 days to actually figure out who it was (she didn't identify herself at any point in the message, remember), and about 30 seconds to decide I wasn't going.

So while I have invited people over to my place for snacks and movies for my birthday, that sort of thing is so far over the line you can barely even see it

[Shores]

Yeah, that response was pretty surprising to read... Regardless of American culture and etiquette (and  I believe I brought this up on another thread about this), it IS perfectly normal and within the bounds of etiquette to throw your own birthday party here in The Netherlands. When it is your birthday, you are expected to throw a party to celebrate those that are close to you. You are expected to feed them, water them  and give them yummy cake. When people enter a party, they say 'Congratulations' to not on the birthday person but every member of that birthday person's family as well. It is a celebration of much more than the day you turn 34 or whatever. Yes, people are probably going to bring presents but they're certainly not expected. But to say that something is rude for EVERYONE is just illogical. So, anyone who wants to throw your own birthday party, you're welcome to do so over here.

[sammycat]

I never got the whole "don't throw you're own birthday party" thing. Once I got old enough that my parents weren't helping out, I did all the planning on my own. Every birthday party I've been to that hasn't been for a little kid has been planned by the person having the birthday. I don't get what's so rude about it.

I agree.  Maybe it's where I'm from (Australia), but I'd actually consider it rather weird for a non-birthday person to be throwing a party for someone else (parents/SO or surprise parties excepted). 

If one of my friends is having a birthday (which they all seem to every year funnily enough) sometimes we'll go out and each person will pay their own way, including the birthday person. Half the time it's the birthday person's idea to go out, and the rest of the time it's someone in the group's suggestion.  Generally though, it's more of an excuse to simply catch up, and 90% of the time presents are not given.

If it's a significant birthday, eg a 21st, 30th/40th/50th etc, then the birthday person will generally organise their own party.  I don't see anything rude or 'gift grabby' about it.  If my friend "A" was turning 40 and friend "B" decided to throw her a party I'd be really wondering what was going on to be perfectly honest. 

[FoxPaws]

<We'll just kinda whisper here that persons who host their own birthday parties are a desperate and pitiable sort of people. Imagine the pathetic situation of having friends and family that couldn't be bothered to honor their loved ones with a party every once in a while so the birthday "boy/girl" has to organize it themselves.  Or maybe it's that they have but the honoree is a greedy sucker who wants a party every. single. year. >

Well darn! It looks like most of the adults I know are desperate and pitiable. 

Around here expecting someone else to throw you a birthday party would be labled.........well, actually it wouldn't be labeled anything because it doesn't happen. With the exception of major milestones, or the rare surprise party, any grownup who wants their birthday celebrated either does the let's-meet-up-at-XYZbar thing or supplies the booze and snacks at home. No gifts, no harm, no foul.

I was surprised at the vehemence of the Dame's answer. Maybe this letter just caught her on a bad day.

[Shores]

<We'll just kinda whisper here that persons who host their own birthday parties are a desperate and pitiable sort of people. Imagine the pathetic situation of having friends and family that couldn't be bothered to honor their loved ones with a party every once in a while so the birthday "boy/girl" has to organize it themselves.  Or maybe it's that they have but the honoree is a greedy sucker who wants a party every. single. year. >

Well darn! It looks like most of the adults I know are desperate and pitiable. 

Around here expecting someone else to throw you a birthday party would be labled.........well, actually it wouldn't be labeled anything because it doesn't happen. With the exception of major milestones, or the rare surprise party, any grownup who wants their birthday celebrated either does the let's-meet-up-at-XYZbar thing or supplies the booze and snacks at home. No gifts, no harm, no foul.

I was surprised at the vehemence of the Dame's answer. Maybe this letter just caught her on a bad day.

We should start a list of nations in which apparently all of the adults are "desperate and pitiable"  I know so far we have UK, The Netherlands, Australia, New Zealand.....

[FoxPaws]

I live in Texas, so for statistical purposes I guess that's the U.S. (although if you want to count us as a country, we won't argue  )

[sammycat]

We should start a list of nations in which apparently all of the adults are "desperate and pitiable"  I know so far we have UK, The Netherlands, Australia, New Zealand.....

I've lived half my life in New Zealand, and the other half in Australia.  I guess I must be doubly pitiable.

[nischi]

Add Germany to that, as well. Every birthday I have celebrated in the last 15 years or so has happened according to that pattern. The birthday person will say what he/ she wants to do, the others turn up. We don't give presents and we don't pay for all the drinks of the birthdayboy/ girl either. Mostly, we'll meet up the evening before the birthday and sing Happy Birthday at midnight and someone buys a bottle of champagne so everybody can toast the birthdayboy/ girl.

We don't make a big deal out of it, and we don't expect people to shell out ridicoulous amounts of money, either. Sometimes someone will bake a cake, and on important birthdays (18, 25, 30) people might chip in to buy a present, but mostly something jokey and inexpensive. This might be because we're all broke students but I don't think anything will change when we have jobs. We might go eat at a restaurant, but again: not an expensive one.

I would never expect my friends to throw me a proper party with invitations and decorations and all that. The last party I had that had all that was when I was twelve. My parents hosted it for me.

[Moogle]

We should start a list of nations in which apparently all of the adults are "desperate and pitiable"  I know so far we have UK, The Netherlands, Australia, New Zealand.....

Add the Philippines to that, I guess.   

Around here, it's normal for the birthday person to throw her own birthday party.  If it's dinner out in a restaurant, the birthday person foots the bill.  I also am guilty of this.  I don't expect gifts from my friends.  I simply want to celebrate my birthday with them, be it in my house with food and cake or in a restaurant with food.