Author Topic: Rude Everyone on Birthdays (From the New Update)  (Read 81828 times)

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Sibby

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Re: Rude Everyone on Birthdays (From the New Update)
« Reply #15 on: August 01, 2007, 10:18:54 AM »
Hmmm, funny in a different thread about 2 weeks ago (on the Life in General board) i said it was tacky to expect anyone other then a parent or SO to throw you a birthday a party [once you are an adult] and I was JUMPED on that is simply how things are done.  (I did go back an retrack my usage of the word "tacky" as it was perhaps too harsh)  Now on this thread everyone seems to agree with me, it is weird.

In my area (NY/LI) it's totally normal for a person to host their own birthday or their SO to host their birthday.  We generally don't give birthday gifts, and if we do it's usually just token gifts - a bunch of scratch off lotto tickets or a small trinket.  Generally though you just buy b-day person a card and be done with it.

In fact I have been to and suggest to many people to throw themselves HUGE catered formal parties for milestone birthdays.  It's very common for women to do this if they have reached say 40 or 50 and never been married. 

Dindrane

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Re: Rude Everyone on Birthdays (From the New Update)
« Reply #16 on: August 01, 2007, 01:38:39 PM »
I live in Texas, so for statistical purposes I guess that's the U.S. (although if you want to count us as a country, we won't argue  ;))

*laughs*  I am also from Texas, and people always make so much fun of me for the "Texas is kind of its own country" attitude.

I learned a long time ago that if I didn't plan my own birthday party, I wouldn't have a birthday party.  And on top of that, since my birthday falls at a very busy time of year for students, nobody would remember it even happened.  So I will, if I feel like it, ask if people want to meet at a restaurant and bar somewhere.  Either everyone pays for him/herself, or my parents will graciously pick up the whole bill.  And I actually don't care about presents.  It's far more important for me to have people remember that I have this thing called a birthday once a year.


blue2000

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Re: Rude Everyone on Birthdays (From the New Update)
« Reply #17 on: August 01, 2007, 01:59:33 PM »
Hmm. In our family (Ontario, Canada), if you throw your own, you usually pay for it, too. If someone else invites you out, they would usually pay. Pretty simple. No one has ever objected to either scenario.

The only etiquette violation I see is when you invite people to a party that you are organising and tell them they are paying. Invited guests don't pay, EVER, unless they offer of their own free will. And hosts, even birthday boy/girl hosts, don't skip out of paying. If they have no intention of paying, they can't throw a party.
You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.

twinkletoes

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Re: Rude Everyone on Birthdays (From the New Update)
« Reply #18 on: August 01, 2007, 02:02:07 PM »
Oddly, I have no problem with going Dutch if it's understood as such.  I will be irritated, however, if the birthday guy/gal insists on everyone paying for his/her share, and if they want a gift, to boot.

Dindrane

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Re: Rude Everyone on Birthdays (From the New Update)
« Reply #19 on: August 01, 2007, 06:26:42 PM »
I guess since I have only recently shed my student status, my understanding about "invitations" to eat out have always been that you split the bill unless someone offers to pay for you.  I always treated birthday dinners along the same lines, just because it was more an excuse to hang out with my friends than a celebration of my birthday.

I really think that the paying your own way when invited out to dinner and hosting your own birthday party depends entirely on the context of the situation for its appropriateness.


cocacola35

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Re: Rude Everyone on Birthdays (From the New Update)
« Reply #20 on: August 01, 2007, 06:41:39 PM »
Well count me among the desperate and pitiable.  I love my friends, but most of them have their own lives (starting families and jobs) and are too busy to be planning each other's birthday parties each year.  Around here (Texas) it is very much the norm for the birthday person (BP) to invite a group out to his/her fav restaraunt and maybe a movie, bar, etc. afterwards.  Sometimes the friends offer to comp the meal/ activity for the BP, but neither that nor gifts are expected.  I never saw this as rude and I think it is pretty sad that some people afraid to throw their own celebration to remember a special event with friends/family for fear that it might be seen as rude.

kingsrings

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Re: Rude Everyone on Birthdays (From the New Update)
« Reply #21 on: August 01, 2007, 06:58:37 PM »
I guess I'll be the odd one out here and say that I agree with EHell dame on this, although not quite with her vehemence towards it. I think that throwing your own birthday party is tooting one's own horn, so to speak, which is pretty tacky.
The person of honor throwing a party to celebrate themselves? Have some humbleness, people. And for all the people that say that one must thrown their own birthday party because others don't have the time and fortitude to do so, well, if those people have the time and fortitude to throw their own birthday party, I just don't think that that excuse holds water. Bluntly, they would rather put their time and fortitude into throwing parties for themselves instead their friend's birthdays is the way I see it.

With myself and my friends and all the other adults I know, we don't do parties at homes when it comes to birthdays. We have a group celebration at a restaurant. It's very easy and not time-consuming at all to do this. Everyone pays their own way (after all, it's organized by everyone).

And another ? for those that think there is nothing wrong with one throwing their own birthday party-then how would it be wrong for someone to throw their own wedding or baby shower?

Shores

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Re: Rude Everyone on Birthdays (From the New Update)
« Reply #22 on: August 01, 2007, 07:07:13 PM »
And another ? for those that think there is nothing wrong with one throwing their own birthday party-then how would it be wrong for someone to throw their own wedding or baby shower?
Well, there are no baby or wedding showers here. Its considered superfluous since you'll be receiving wedding gifts, but IF they were done, yeah, I think the Dutch would throw it themselves. You just dont expect others to pay for YOUR celebrations. You also pay for your own wedding.
Wherever you go.... there you are.

Alida

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Re: Rude Everyone on Birthdays (From the New Update)
« Reply #23 on: August 01, 2007, 07:12:46 PM »
"Hey, Friday's my birthday and I'm going to XYZ.  If you want to come, I'd love to see you!" is a lot different than organizing a full blown party for oneself and announcing it's for your birthday.  That, to me, sounds like a gift grab. 

So I guess I'm with Miss Jeanne on this, but not quite so strongly.

jimithing

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Re: Rude Everyone on Birthdays (From the New Update)
« Reply #24 on: August 01, 2007, 07:13:02 PM »
I guess I'll be the odd one out here and say that I agree with EHell dame on this, although not quite with her vehemence towards it. I think that throwing your own birthday party is tooting one's own horn, so to speak, which is pretty tacky.
The person of honor throwing a party to celebrate themselves? Have some humbleness, people. And for all the people that say that one must thrown their own birthday party because others don't have the time and fortitude to do so, well, if those people have the time and fortitude to throw their own birthday party, I just don't think that that excuse holds water. Bluntly, they would rather put their time and fortitude into throwing parties for themselves instead their friend's birthdays is the way I see it.

With myself and my friends and all the other adults I know, we don't do parties at homes when it comes to birthdays. We have a group celebration at a restaurant. It's very easy and not time-consuming at all to do this. Everyone pays their own way (after all, it's organized by everyone).

And another ? for those that think there is nothing wrong with one throwing their own birthday party-then how would it be wrong for someone to throw their own wedding or baby shower?

Kingsrings, I have already expressed the same sentiment on numerous threads about this and I 100% agree with you.  I still don't get the attitude that '"if I don't do it then no one else will." I haven't had a "birthday party" since I was 21 and I don't expect one.  I turn 30 next year (which I consider a milestone for me), so we'll see what happens with that, but I still wouldn't throw my own party. If no one else wants to that is completely their choice.  

We also do the, "Where do you want to go for dinner this year?" thing and am fine with that.  My girlfriend said that she and my other two girlfriends wanted to go to dinner with me and my DH for my birthday.  That was nice and we have a very nice enjoyable time.  They did bring a very nice present, which they had all pitched in on.   They did not contribute to my dinner, and I was OK with that. They never said that they wanted to "take" me to dinner and since I know that they already spent money on a gift it was completely fine. I think that there are a lot of expectations, many of them unreasonable, surrounding birthdays. I have been around a lot of people who expect people to make a huge deal about their birthday every single year and I agree with Kingsrings:  Have some humility.  

blue2000

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Re: Rude Everyone on Birthdays (From the New Update)
« Reply #25 on: August 02, 2007, 12:05:59 AM »
We also do the, "Where do you want to go for dinner this year?" thing and am fine with that.  My girlfriend said that she and my other two girlfriends wanted to go to dinner with me and my DH for my birthday.  That was nice and we have a very nice enjoyable time.  They did bring a very nice present, which they had all pitched in on.   They did not contribute to my dinner, and I was OK with that. They never said that they wanted to "take" me to dinner and since I know that they already spent money on a gift it was completely fine. I think that there are a lot of expectations, many of them unreasonable, surrounding birthdays. I have been around a lot of people who expect people to make a huge deal about their birthday every single year and I agree with Kingsrings:  Have some humility.  

Most of the adults I know do not exchange gifts on birthdays, so even a huge, over-the-top birthday bash would not qualify as a gift grab. It is more of an excuse to party. I don't see it as a lack of humility, either. Sure, there are 'birthdayzillas' who will grab the opportunity with both hands and drive you nuts. But these people find a way to make most days 'all about them' even if it's not their birthday.
You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.

ganjin

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Re: Rude Everyone on Birthdays (From the New Update)
« Reply #26 on: August 02, 2007, 12:47:02 AM »
I have a Birthday Brunch for DH every year---always on Superbowl Sunday, which always falls near his birthday.    We have it about noon, have a lovely couple of hours and a great meal, and everyone goes their own way for the afternoon and whatever plans they have to watch the game on their own.

DH IS a host, so to speak, because it's our home; he helps shop for the groceries and flowers, he does part of the cooking and cleanup, etc., but it's just a quiet, comfortable way for us to get together with a few friends.   There are no gifts as such, just several cards and perhaps just a tiny token remembrance, such as a favorite candy or a paperback book.

We'll continue to look forward to our first-party-after-the-holidays; we'll still sit with friends over the quiche and fruit and mimosas, as the warmth of friendship and firelight keeps out the snowy cold.  

I don't have strong feelings on this one way or the other.   I WAS, however, as astonished at the vehement, startling tone of the answer as if our sedate, kind, ladylike Doyenne, whose faultless decorum and grace we all strive to emulate, and on whom we all rely for solid advice and careful counsel,  had come to tea in her underwear.  

« Last Edit: August 03, 2007, 12:19:37 PM by ganjin »

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Re: Rude Everyone on Birthdays (From the New Update)
« Reply #27 on: August 02, 2007, 12:52:06 AM »
All of my friends have strict "no gifts!" policies. We have bday parties to hang out because we have no excuse to otherwise considering we all work insane hours and live far away now.

We usually do a, "Hey, let's meet at XYZ for dinner then go watch a movie in my living room." It's understood that it is Dutch. I hardly see how this is a sign of a lack of humbleness, parties really aren't about the birthday person so much as about everyone hanging out. It's not like we give big speeches about the importance of the person. The only thing that indicates it is about them is that we go to their favorite restaurant rather than taking a group vote.

Also, they are an excuse to embarrass each other in restaurants by requestion the Happy Birthday treatment from the waiter  >:D

FoxPaws

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Re: Rude Everyone on Birthdays (From the New Update)
« Reply #28 on: August 02, 2007, 03:03:03 AM »
Most of the adults I know do not exchange gifts on birthdays, so even a huge, over-the-top birthday bash would not qualify as a gift grab. It is more of an excuse to party. I don't see it as a lack of humility, either. Sure, there are 'birthdayzillas' who will grab the opportunity with both hands and drive you nuts. But these people find a way to make most days 'all about them' even if it's not their birthday.

Neither do I. I think throwing your own party (or going dutch) is a lot more humble than sitting around expecting others to plan, prep, and pay for a party in your honor.
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sammycat

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Re: Rude Everyone on Birthdays (From the New Update)
« Reply #29 on: August 02, 2007, 03:16:39 AM »
I think throwing your own party (or going dutch) is a lot more humble than sitting around expecting others to plan, prep, and pay for a party in your honor.
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Very good point, KewpieDoll72.