Rude Everyone on Birthdays (From the New Update)

[udanax19]

i have a couple of friends who have planned their own bday celebrations at a restaraunt, and everyone is expected to pay for their meal, even the birthday boy/girl.  everyone who attended wasn't just expected to pay, but was happy to do it, as the birthday was really more of an excuse for us to all find time to get together.  it is a group of close friends who don't get to see each other too often, and we all pay for our own food so it isn't like someone is invited just as a butt in a seat in order to add to the division of the bill or anything.  none of us mind, but it's a close group.  i think it would be different if i didn't know the person very well.

another friend who does this made it clear that we would all pitch in (she did it nicely) and we were all happy to do it for 2 reasons.  one was that this was her gift (we asked and she said, i'd love to go to eat here!) and whoever couldn't ante a lot, she would pick up the slack.  well, i'm not sure if this was backlash from people who considered this a faux pas, but some ate, then left before the check arrived, and others ordered more than they brought money for.  while i don't mind if i am invited to a gathering where i pay for my meal (i actually like it that way because i feel i can order anything i want-if i want a frilly drink or an appetizer as well, i don't feel like i am milking the gesture) i think the person who is having the bday needs to be careful about it.

[Ashley Y]

Hello, I joined after reading the original post. I feel I must correct what I believe is a mischaracterisation of Ms. Martin's position.

Certainly Martin is suspicious of the idea in general terms, nevertheless, she claims that it is acceptable to throw a birthday party for oneself, under certain provisions (Judith Martin, Miss Manners Guide for the Turn of the Millennium, pp.466-467):

"The alternative need not be toasting yourself in the bathroom mirror. Miss Manners will explain how it is still possible to mark the occasion with a party that will please your guests"

On the question of the source of the trouble, presents vs. the concept of honoring oneself:

"The sticking point for other guests is the idea of presents. ... If you eliminate that issue, people will be only too glad to honor you and yours."

But how?

"This is best done by a sort of reverse surprise party: You surprise the guests by telling them only at the party itself that this is your birthday, your parents' anniversary, or whatever."

I recommend reading the full section.

[bms2000]

Cannabilism was a treasured tradition as recently as the 1980's in areas of Papua New Guinea. (A diblitating brain disease was tracked to the women of tribes digging up buried bodies and eating the human flesh because it is "very sweet tasting".) 

So, if I invite guests over for my own birthday, and expect them to be the main course, that would be considered rude? 

I'm of the mind that I don't see why adults *need* a birthday party every year. I can't remember who was president the last time my birthday was celebrated with a party. The last one I threw for my DH was a 40th birthday party that doubled as a housewarming, with 'no gifts please!' on the invite. I truly don't even care if I get anything on my birthday. If DH makes dinner and does the dishes - that rocks my world! The kids usually want to get us presents, but then they want to buy us Legos to 'share' with us, and we're on to them. 

I don't know of a single adult friend who has had a birthday party in years. And it's not like we are all antisocial monks in cells - we just don't really feel the need to go crazy about birthdays.

[kingsrings]

Agree with bms. For a while there I had several friends who insisted on throwing a birthday party for themselves every single year. It got a little tiring, and I started skipping out on them. Thankfully they stopped, maybe they wised up and got the hint.

[TootsNYC]

Miss Manners says (in Miss Manners' Guide for the Turn-of-the-Millennium, page 466):

"Parties for oneself or members of the family are always permissible when they are confined to a group in which each person is honored in turn."

(her suggestion on how to deal w/ the present idea is to not tell people the party is for your birthday until they are actually there)

I don't know that I'd throw an actual event that I'd label a "party" for myself.

But I have said to my 4 closest friends, "I'm turning 25, and I want to celebrate. Would you like to come w/ me to dinner and a comedy club? We'll all pay for ourselves." (and then had to argue a little bit about paying for my own) Maybe that's rude, but I don't know--it didn't feel like it. (maybe I'm stunted)

I could see myself hosting a dinner or brunch to celebrate my birthday--I'd be making the food, etc.

*Maybe* I'd invite people over for drinks for my bday, if I was a cocktail-party-throwing person.

If you can host your own anniversary party (and you can), why can't you host your own birthday party?

Interestingly, my edition of Emily Post says "spouses, children, and sometmes close friends may want to celebrate a "big" birthday..of the birthday person. ..the host or hostess [should] ask for the attention of the guests and propose a toast or salute to the guest of honor"

No mention of parties thrown by the birthday person.

But other than my 40th, I can't imagine my husband, or my kids, hosting anything on my behalf. My  MIL does--but it's dinner w/ family, not any sort of time spent w/ friends.

[2 tone shoes]

I know this post is pretty old but I wanted to put in my two-cents. I am fairly young (early 20's) and for a while I have hosted my own birthday party. I don't do it because I want gifts, I do it because I want to celebrate life with my friends. I invite my close friends and allow them to bring other acquaintances to make it a fun party. We watch movies and play games and hang out and I make kebabs and cake. Some years one or two of my very close friends will bring a present other years they don't. I always thank them for the gifts but I never expect to get anything. That isn't the point and everyone knows that. For the most part it is just a party where people say happy birthday to me and that is the closest it gets to being a birthday party. They know it is a "birthday party" but they also know (and I never have to outright say it) that its more about hanging out than gifts.

That is the difference. If you host a party for yourself for gifts it is wrong. But, there are ways to have a party on your birthday that isn't a gift grab. As long as people know that gifts aren't expected and it is just a time to celebrate it should be okay. My birthday is the excuse to hold the party not the reason for it.

[pierrotlunaire0]

I have been dealing with a lot of crabby people lately, so maybe I am biased.  But so many of the posts in this thread sound so angry!