Rude Everyone on Birthdays (From the New Update)

[sammycat]

I think throwing your own party (or going dutch) is a lot more humble than sitting around expecting others to plan, prep, and pay for a party in your honor.
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Very good point, KewpieDoll72.

[Clara Bow]

I don't think that the Dame was any more harsh in her reply to this than I've seen her be in other replies to people. According to Hoyle, you aren't supposed to give yourself a party. Do we do it? Of course! Have the rules in this area relaxed a bit as far as most groups of friends go? Of course! But in arenas of strictest etiquette, it's a no-no.
Maybe not as appalling as some of the more extreme examples we've seen, but it's still a no-no.
And the Dame famously takes people to task, particularly when directly fired upon first. Heck, that's the main reason I read this site! I love it when she takes one down a peg. And she uses the same level of ire for each. I don't think that she was rude per se, nor any more vehement than usual.

[cocacola35]

And another ? for those that think there is nothing wrong with one throwing their own birthday party-then how would it be wrong for someone to throw their own wedding or baby shower?

Because it is clear in most of the social circles on this board that birthday celebration does not equal must bring gift or other compensations.  I think Auntie Venom said it best- strict etiquette says it's a no-no, but then again etiquette exists so that everyone will be happy and comfortable.  If throwing your own get together with no expectations of gifts or comps is fine with everyone in your social circle, then I don't see any reason to condemn it.

Also I'm not getting why it's so wrong for a couple to throw their own wedding- so we should now expect parents or friends to do all this for us too?  After seeing all kinds of quotes on this board condemning couples that expect parents and their attendents to pay for and plan everything I'm very suprised at your quote.  I know my friends love me, but none of them would put up the expense or the time to plan my wedding for me and I would think they were crazy if they did.   

[Shores]

And another ? for those that think there is nothing wrong with one throwing their own birthday party-then how would it be wrong for someone to throw their own wedding or baby shower?

Because it is clear in most of the social circles on this board that birthday party does not equal must bring gift or other compensations.  I think Auntie Venom said it best- strict etiquette says it's a no-no, but then again etiquette exists so that everyone will be happy and comfortable.  If throwing your own get together with no expectations of gifts or comps is fine with everyone in your social circle, then I don't see any reason to condemn it.

Also I'm not getting why it's so wrong for a couple to throw their own wedding- so we should now expect parents or friends to do all this for us too?  After seeing all kinds of quotes on this board condemning couples that expect parents and their attendents to pay for and plan everything I'm very suprised at your quote.  I know my friends love me, but none of them would put up the expense or the time to plan my wedding for me and I would think they were crazy if they did.   

I think kingsrings meant "wedding shower or baby shower" but it does raise an interesting point. Its ok for a couple to host their own wedding where gifts are generally given, but not ok to host their own bday party where gifts MAY be given? How does that make sense?

[cocacola35]

If she meant wedding showers then I apologize for the misunderstanding.

As far as hosting your own wedding/birthday goes- I guess I'm more relaxed than some here, but the only time I see it as rude is when the host is demanding gifts (registry in invites anyone? ) or demanding that the guests compensate them for the activities.

[twinkletoes]

If she meant wedding showers then I apologize for the misunderstanding.

As far as hosting your own wedding/birthday goes- I guess I'm more relaxed than some here, but the only time I see it as rude is when the host is demanding gifts (registry in invites anyone? ) or demanding that the guests compensate them for the activities.

I agree.  I wouldn't mind paying for a drink for the birthday person, or chipping in for part of their meal; however, it would be quite rude if it's *expected* that we all pay for something (besides our own food and drink, of course). 

I also think "chipping in" should only be done if that's what the group always does.  I went to a dinner organized by the birthday girl - the group always went Dutch on everything.  We had had other members celebrating birthdays before, and we always did Dutch.  This time, though, the birthday girl first passed the check to others without even looking at her share; then, when someone divvied it all up (we all ordered within a dollar or two of each other, so it was no big deal), she said she "forgot" her wallet and looked at us expectedly.  We begrudgingly paid it up - what else can you really do? 

Unfortunately, that was the last time the group ever celebrated anyone's birthday like that. 

[amaiaisabella]

Let me ask a question guys, if I wanted to go to RestaurantX for my birthday, and I said, "To celebrate my birthday, I'm going to go eat at RestaurantX. I'd love to see you there!" Would I be expected to pay for their dinners? I would hope I'd pay for my own (or if my parents were going, they'd pay) and they would pay for theirs. I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to pay for my dinner. Would this be greedy?

[kingsrings]

Let me ask a question guys, if I wanted to go to RestaurantX for my birthday, and I said, "To celebrate my birthday, I'm going to go eat at RestaurantX. I'd love to see you there!" Would I be expected to pay for their dinners? I would hope I'd pay for my own (or if my parents were going, they'd pay) and they would pay for theirs. I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to pay for my dinner. Would this be greedy?

Honestly yes, because since you are planning it, you are the host, and therefore responsible for footing the bill. I know a lot of people don't consider it that way, but strictly from an etiquette POV, that is the way it works.

[emmeileia]

Let me ask a question guys, if I wanted to go to RestaurantX for my birthday, and I said, "To celebrate my birthday, I'm going to go eat at RestaurantX. I'd love to see you there!" Would I be expected to pay for their dinners? I would hope I'd pay for my own (or if my parents were going, they'd pay) and they would pay for theirs. I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to pay for my dinner. Would this be greedy?

I would say no. Honestly, this is how it has always worked with my group of friends. The birthday person would pick a bar or restaurant and people would choose to show up or not. But it was always understood that people would pay their own bills. I don't think my friends would let me pay for them on my birthday if I tried. They won't even let me pay for my own dinner on my birthday. (Seriously, they snuck (sp?) to the till when I was not paying attention) Of course, I do the same for them  on their birthday. No one really expected presents either, unless you happened to be out the day before and saw something that CRUD MONKEYS! So-and-So must have! But it was never expected. I guess we all saw it as an excuse to get the group together and celebrate, for whatever reason.

[kingsrings]

There is a difference between a restaurant birthday party being arranged by one person vs. a group. If the group decides to take birthday girl out for dinner, then everyone is responsible for paying for their own meal. Nothing rude about that at all.

[jassou]

without getting in the whole birthday party debate, i thought her reaction was extremely out of character as well, i wondered what made her reply like that? Surely she knows of better ways of disagreeing?

Her reply to the next entry -as a result- made me laugh a little though "I'm never tecky. Ever". I guess we all lose our composure sometimes.

[jimithing]

There is a difference between a restaurant birthday party being arranged by one person vs. a group. If the group decides to take birthday girl out for dinner, then everyone is responsible for paying for their own meal. Nothing rude about that at all.

POD.  If someone said, "I'm having a birthday party at XXXX restaurant, want to come?", I would assume that it was being paid for, and not by me.  If someone said, "A bunch of us are getting together for my birthday at XXXXX restaurant if you want to join us.", then I would take that to mean that everyone is paying for themselves. 

[amaiaisabella]

There is a difference between a restaurant birthday party being arranged by one person vs. a group. If the group decides to take birthday girl out for dinner, then everyone is responsible for paying for their own meal. Nothing rude about that at all.

POD.  If someone said, "I'm having a birthday party at XXXX restaurant, want to come?", I would assume that it was being paid for, and not by me.  If someone said, "A bunch of us are getting together for my birthday at XXXXX restaurant if you want to join us.", then I would take that to mean that everyone is paying for themselves. 

So, it's all about the wording, then? I have never had the awkward situation happen before, thank goodness.

[AmethystAnne]

And that last paragraph of Miss Jeanne's is overgeneralizing and rude. I can't think of anyone in this area, adult or otherwise, who would ever think to organize someone else's birthday, barring the occasional child's surprise party. It just isn't done- if you don't organize it yourself, it's assumed you don't want one. I think birthday parties are more of a gray area and depend much more on local tradition.

My DH's 60th birthday was Tuesday. I organized a special supper for him last night and invited our 4 kids and their significant others. We had pizza, fruit, and chocolate frosted angelfood cake with lots of candles.
Everyone had a good time.

If I hadn't planned and executed all the details, it wouldn't have happened.

 

[jimithing]

There is a difference between a restaurant birthday party being arranged by one person vs. a group. If the group decides to take birthday girl out for dinner, then everyone is responsible for paying for their own meal. Nothing rude about that at all.

POD.  If someone said, "I'm having a birthday party at XXXX restaurant, want to come?", I would assume that it was being paid for, and not by me.  If someone said, "A bunch of us are getting together for my birthday at XXXXX restaurant if you want to join us.", then I would take that to mean that everyone is paying for themselves. 

So, it's all about the wording, then? I have never had the awkward situation happen before, thank goodness.

I definitely think so.  Pretty much all invitations are about the wording.  How many misunderstandings and assumptions have we heard about on this board due to poor wording?  My mom told me that she wanted to "take" me and DH out to dinner.  The check arrives and she pulls out enough cash to cover herself.  Apparently, her definition of "take" and my definition are on completely different universes.