Open Bars and Tip Jars

[Venus193]

If I were going to ask for something really complicated I might tip, but most people at these events drink something relatively simple.

[Sharnita]

See, I would see trying to be served first as a bit off.

[nrb80]

I've seen the tippers at weddings I've gone to.  What does it get them?  Well, if the waiter is assigned 2 tables at 12 people each(Which is usually the case), it usually ensures that tipper gets served first.  That water/drinks are replenished without having to ask for it.  Simply put, more attentive service.  For bartenders, it helps ensure you get prompt service when you go up to the bar.

I'm not saying it's rude or not, I'm just explaining what I've seen it gets you.  Most of the weddings I go to are huge affairs in the NYC area, 150+ guests.  When the table doesn't give that extra incentive, I can attest that it's harder to find the waiters, whereas when I've seen a tipper at my table, the service is much better.

Its probably human nature to do so, but I will say that the best venues, restaurants, bars, and waitstaff deliver exemplary - and equal - service regardless of what they think they will make.  It's few and far between, but the best of the best make everyone feel like a billionaire.

[SisJackson]

I've seen the tippers at weddings I've gone to.  What does it get them?  Well, if the waiter is assigned 2 tables at 12 people each(Which is usually the case), it usually ensures that tipper gets served first.  That water/drinks are replenished without having to ask for it.  Simply put, more attentive service.  For bartenders, it helps ensure you get prompt service when you go up to the bar.

I'm not saying it's rude or not, I'm just explaining what I've seen it gets you.  Most of the weddings I go to are huge affairs in the NYC area, 150+ guests.  When the table doesn't give that extra incentive, I can attest that it's harder to find the waiters, whereas when I've seen a tipper at my table, the service is much better.

I agree.  I tipped the waiter at the captain's cocktail party for past passengers on the last cruise I was on.  It's a huge affair held in one of the bars, and all the drinks (about five different signature cocktails) are complimentary.  Upon sitting down and being served our first drink, we passed the waiter a $5 wrapped around a fun-size KitKat.  Let me tell you, whenever our drinks got low, another tray was brought around pronto for us to pick from; we probably got four free cocktails apiece whereas most of the non-tipping tables around us received two.  We left another $2 on the table when we left as a thank-you.

This sort of party is different from a wedding or a corporate shindig, in that there is no host that's paying the gratuity - the bartenders and waiters were getting their standard cruise payout at the end of the week - so I felt zero guilt for paying for better service.  I'm sure there were plenty of passengers who felt that paying a bit for their (otherwise free) drinks was unnecessary - fine for them.

See, I would see trying to be served first as a bit off.

There were probably others at the party that resented our group a little - it's rare to get drinks for free on your average mass-market cruise ship, and if they would quibble over a small tip then they were likely there to get as much as they could for as little as possible.  I consider our $7+candy bar (for a table of 4) a small price to pay to get someone to take personal care of us - the waiter that night even remembered who we were when we returned to the same bar a few nights later, no small feat when there are 3,000 passengers aboard.

While I would never presume to tip when someone else is hosting, at a gathering like this cocktail party I would absolutely pay to be served first, promptly and generously.

[jpcher]

On the other hand, if a guest wants to tip the bartender . . . say, for example, remember me the next time I come for a drink? That's between the guest and the bartender. Perfectly acceptable in my book.

See, I would see trying to be served first as a bit off.

I wouldn't expect to be served first, that would be line cutting and extremely rude.

If I quietly tip a bartender as in a "please remember me" type of tip I would hope that the next time I went to the bar he/she would know my drink and set it up without the preamble of a special order. Quick and easy without having the guests in line behind me being made to wait. And, if the bartender was Johnny-on-the-spot with my drink, I would tip again.

[DottyG]

nrb80 said:

In the same vein, if I see a guest giving a tip (even without the jar) to someone in my employ for the event (i.e. a bartender), I'm likely to write that guest off my list going forward, or at least socialize with that person less, as I find it insulting.

nrb80, but what if the guest isn't doing it to be insulting but is genuinely confused about what's "proper"?  For instance, I don't attend a lot of functions with bars*.  So if I saw a tip jar, I might assume that I'm supposed to tip - especially if I see money already in there as if others are tipping.  So I might tip, just because I felt like that was the "done thing."  I'd hate to be written off as a guest just because I don't go to enough places to have already learned what to do and not do.

* This brings up a question I have.  The functions that I've been to that have had a bar, I haven't partaken of.  Because I never know whether it's an open bar or not.  Is there a way to tell without being gauche and asking outright?

[WillyNilly]

This brings up a question I have.  The functions that I've been to that have had a bar, I haven't partaken of.  Because I never know whether it's an open bar or not.  Is there a way to tell without being gauche and asking outright?

I tend to just watch and see, are bartenders turning and using a cash register?  Are people paying and getting change?

But as a former banquet bartender (and having done other service roles in the event industry) it is never gauche to ask outright "is this a cash bar or open?"

[mabelle]

I'm planting my POD with DottyG, I would not think ill of a guest for erring on the side of offering a tip to a server. If the host/hostess feels strongly about the absense of tip jars, he/she should instruct the the staff member to decline any proffered tips... the guest is not likely to be intentially insulting to the host/hostess, just unfamiliar with the niceties of etiquette.

Also, please please do due diligence with regard to the catering/event company you employ. I worked in the hotel/conference business for 10 years and can/will affirm that there are many, many companies that do not distribute the 18% "service charge" as a gratuity to the servers. You as a host/hostess might assume the staff is being compensated well by that charge, but it couldn't be farther from the truth in some instances.

When we went to see live bands he would always insist on buying a round for the band, even though I pointed out to him that bands drink for free when they play a bar.  But he did it anyway because usually the band would come thank him for it, and I think it boosted his ego.

Not sure where you are in the world, but I'm in the self-proclaimed "Live Music Capitol" and that is not the case here. Usually, they get one-beverage-per-person of the cheapest beer/drink available...after the first set. Think Natural Light or Lonestar beer* and rot-gut shelf liquors. Whilst I cannot speak for your former date's motivations, many, many of my music loving friends do buy the bands they enjoy a round of drinks, which allows the band to have the beverage of their choosing - like a good beer or premium well-drink. Just an aside...

*No offense intended to those who might enjoy Natural Light.

edited to clarify

[WillyNilly]

When we went to see live bands he would always insist on buying a round for the band, even though I pointed out to him that bands drink for free when they play a bar.  But he did it anyway because usually the band would come thank him for it, and I think it boosted his ego.

Not sure where you are in the world, but I'm in the self-proclaimed "Live Music Capitol" and that is not the case here. Usually, they get one-beverage-per-person of the cheapest beer/drink available...after the first set. Think Natural Light or Lonestar beer* and rot-gut shelf liquors. Whilst I cannot speak for your former date's motivations, many, many of my music loving friends do buy the bands they enjoy a round of drinks, which allows the band to have the beverage of their choosing - like a good beer or premium well-drink. Just an aside...

*No offense intended to those who might enjoy Natural Light.

edited to clarify

My DF is in a band, a rather locally popular band, that plays at least 2x a month regionally and has been on two multi (as in over 4) state tours and has 2 CDs and a 7" record out.  I think the band members would just about die from shock if a bar gave them drinks for free all night!  Its simply never happened in the 7 years the band has been in existence.  Many bars will give 1 or 2 drinks - the aforementioned cheap drinks - but many won't give anything [from the bar] (sometimes its in the form of a drink ticket - essentially its good for about $3 or so, so you can get a Pabst for free, or $3 off a better drink).  Often the band comp - if there is one, and often there is not - is a certain number of guests that get in for free vs paying the door cover.

Bands definitely are thankful for fans who buy them drinks and often will remember who does so.

[Bibliophile]

I agree that tip jars at a prepaid for event is rude to both the hosts and guests. A tip jar looks like a tip is expected. If I were hosting an event I would demand that the tip jar be taken off of the counter.

On the other hand, if a guest wants to tip the bartender . . . say, for example, remember me the next time I come for a drink? That's between the guest and the bartender. Perfectly acceptable in my book.

This entirely.

POD. 

It never occurred to me that tipping a bartender at an open bar was a reflection on the host.  It's 100% a reflection on the service received from the bartender.   I think the onus is on the host if they do not want their bartenders to accept additional tips from guests and discuss that with the event staff before the event so that the bartenders know ahead of time that they are required to turn down tips.

[Lynda_34]

I hosted an after wedding breakfast when my daughter was married.

I paid the bill as it was presented and tipped $700 at the time.  It wasn't until later that I read the bill and I'd tipped on top of their built in gratiutiy.  Never again, I  will always read the fine print.  We won't go there again but I felt ripped off.  My daugher paid for her wedding's reception and I paid for the post wedding breakfast. I felt ripped off and won't give them business again. 

[Surianne]

I hosted an after wedding breakfast when my daughter was married.

I paid the bill as it was presented and tipped $700 at the time.  It wasn't until later that I read the bill and I'd tipped on top of their built in gratiutiy.  Never again, I  will always read the fine print.  We won't go there again but I felt ripped off.  My daugher paid for her wedding's reception and I paid for the post wedding breakfast. I felt ripped off and won't give them business again. 

If it was on the bill, I don't see how it could be interpreted as ripping you off.  It was your decision to not read the information they gave you. 

[Bibliophile]

* This brings up a question I have.  The functions that I've been to that have had a bar, I haven't partaken of.  Because I never know whether it's an open bar or not.  Is there a way to tell without being gauche and asking outright?

Just be sure to have enough money with you to pay for your drink and you won't get caught unaware at a cash bar.   

[DottyG]

But how do you know if it is one or not?  There isn't always another party guest getting something at the time.

Not that it really matters much.  I really don't go to functions where this would be an issue that often.

[Bibliophile]

But how do you know if it is one or not?  There isn't always another party guest getting something at the time.

Not that it really matters much.  I really don't go to functions where this would be an issue that often.

I'm not sure what you mean - is it that you don't want to drink if you have to pay for it so you want to know upfront?  Whether it's open bar or cash bar I don't alter my drinking habits so I just have the cash ready on the first trip just in case.  You could also just watch the first few people who go up to see what they do.