Author Topic: Maybe you're right but...  (Read 7983 times)

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gramma dishes

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Re: Maybe you're right but...
« Reply #30 on: February 02, 2012, 10:31:40 AM »


Stranger: What's wrong with Brett?
Me: *Shrugs and points to Brett* You'd have to ask him.

At this point, because this behavior has been his modus operandi for so long now, I slightly alter the above suggestion (though it's an excellent one).

Stranger:  What's wrong with Brett?
Me: *shrugs* Who knows?  *walks away or changes subject*

Petticoats

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Re: Maybe you're right but...
« Reply #31 on: February 02, 2012, 05:00:58 PM »
I'd sit down and talk to him. Tell him you're sorry for making a joke, but that you didn't know how else to deflect someone who had already asked you 6 times how he was. Then point out that if someone is asking you 6 times, then something is wrong. I'd tell him that you're sorry he's dealing with so much, but that because everyone can see he's upset he needs to be ready for questions. And if he doesn't want to talk about it, then he needs to hide it better, because it's becoming a problem.

Then, I'd stop answering questions about it ever. Play the broken record. Pick a phrase and repeat until they get the picture.

This sounds very sensible. And I hope for Brett's daughter's sake that whoever she lives with is a more stable and healthy influence than he sounds like.

MerryCat

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Re: Maybe you're right but...
« Reply #32 on: February 04, 2012, 09:48:39 PM »
While I agree that Brett doesn't have to share his personal info, I do think that going to a social gathering and acting mopey yet refusing all attempts from concerned friends to discuss or offer comfort screams drama queen to me.

To me that actually seems like the opposite of a drama queen.  It's possible he's hurting and trying his darndest *not* to involve other people.  I've been there before...when you're really, really down and you try to go out and have fun, sometimes it just doesn't work, unfortunately.  I think there's a huge difference between being depressed and being a deliberate drama queen.  I can't say for sure about Brett, of course (I don't even know him) but throwing around terms like "drama queen" really bothers me in a thread like this.

I think that each person's interpretation of this will come from their own experiences. It may be that there are some people who act like this who really aren't trying to attract attention. But my own personal experience has been with people who refuse to answer your question because they want to make you force it out of them. You know, along the lines of:

Me: What's the matter? You look glum?
Her: Oh, nothing, I'm fine (big sad sigh)
Me (not wanting to push her): Okay, then, how about them Oilers/ other general conversation for a bit
Her: Vague hint dropping about how sad she is (eg, Life seems sooo pointless sometimes...)
Me: Continuing up beat convesation
Her: Escalating by saying something negative about everything, making it more and more obvious that she's upset, until finally
Me: So, why are you so upset
Her: Upset? I'm not upset, I'm fine! (big sigh, trembling lips)
Me: Headdesk

Without having met Brett, we cannot know for sure whether he's trying to get attention for himself or not. But given the information we have (constantly wanting to talk about his issues, not allowing the subject to move off of any thing but his issues, an unwillingness to return the favor and support Peach2Play once in a while, etc), I think that Brett is very much like my former friend. She only ever wanted to talk about her own life drama, of which she was always creating plenty. And she loved to make you beg for information - I guess it made her feel special, like you really cared.

Peach2Play, if Brett is anything like my former friend you are doing exactly the right thing by distancing yourself. Emotional vampires will only suck you dry while never giving anything back. As to the nosy third parties, no way should you let them badger you so long. After the first couple of attempts I'd walk away from them. Alternatively, could you turn their curiosity back on them? Something along the lines of "I don't know.. Why? Have you heard something?"

lollylegs

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Re: Maybe you're right but...
« Reply #33 on: February 05, 2012, 01:02:26 AM »
Honestly, I think the people asking are the rude ones. Repeating the question seven times is ridiculously over the top, IMO. In the same situation, I would say, "You'll have to ask Brett," and if they asked again, I would just walk away (or if I couldn't walk away, I would beandip heavily - "What's wrong with Brett?" "You'll have to ask him." "I did and he didn't answer.  So what's up?" "Did you catch the football game last night? What a great game of football. I haven't seen footballing like that in years.")

I do understand why Brett was upset, but I don't think you were rude or that you owe him an apology.

While I agree that Brett doesn't have to share his personal info, I do think that going to a social gathering and acting mopey yet refusing all attempts from concerned friends to discuss or offer comfort screams drama queen to me.

To me that actually seems like the opposite of a drama queen.  It's possible he's hurting and trying his darndest *not* to involve other people.  I've been there before...when you're really, really down and you try to go out and have fun, sometimes it just doesn't work, unfortunately.  I think there's a huge difference between being depressed and being a deliberate drama queen.  I can't say for sure about Brett, of course (I don't even know him) but throwing around terms like "drama queen" really bothers me in a thread like this.

I also agree with this. I've been there in the past, where I've dragged myself out to avoid wallowing by myself at home, only to sit in a corner sulking all night. I felt that by hiding myself away, I was avoiding making a scene or making people feel like they had to make me feel better all night. Whether or not that's what Brett is doing is debatable, but I don't necessarily think that sitting in a corner = drama queen.

DuBois

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Re: Maybe you're right but...
« Reply #34 on: February 05, 2012, 04:27:37 PM »

While the people asking are perhaps rude, I can't say I have all that much sympathy with Brett. I certainly don't see that the OP owes him an apology. And I say this as someone who was Brett, around eight years ago. Seriously, I was a nightmare to be around, always mooning over some complete emotionally unavailable loser, and being rotten company as a result. At the time, I felt 'nobody understaaaaands me, I'm just in loooove'. Looking back, I cringe. I honestly think that it is rude to come to parties and be such a downer that people have to ask what is up. I don't mean that it is consciously attention seeking, it isn't. But as is sometimes said on here, something doesn't have to be intentional to be rude.

HonorH

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Re: Maybe you're right but...
« Reply #35 on: February 06, 2012, 01:28:26 AM »
OP, I think you need to have two broken records--one for nosy, persistent people, and one for Brett. For the nosy, persistent people, any variation on, "You'll have to ask Brett," will do. For him, when he starts telling you about how It Sucks To Be Me, say, "What are you planning on doing about that?" Don't urge him to get therapy, because he already knows what your advice is. He's pooh-poohed it already. Until he comes to the conclusion, in himself, that it's what he needs, he won't listen. Keep drawing him back to the idea that he can do something about his own problems, though, and he might get it through his thick head sooner.
William wondered why he always disliked people who said "no offense meant." Maybe it was because they found it easier to say "no offense meant" than actually to refrain from giving offense.

--Terry Pratchett, The Truth

peach2play

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Re: Maybe you're right but...Update post
« Reply #36 on: February 07, 2012, 03:46:43 PM »
Well, we've had a minor break through and I'm encouraged.  I had a really...really crappy birthday due to trying to get my housemate to move out.  http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=111920.0.  Brett and I had an awards ceremony to go to on Sat night and I was super excited because I never get to wear a dress and it's a cocktail function.  He and the woman who asked me 7 times about him (Kay), had been txting back and forth, and she was supposed to meet us down there as well.  I'm not sure what went down between them, but he txted me that he wasn't in the best of moods.  I asked him if this was going to be like last weekend and he said yea probably.  He came to pick me up and before I got into the car I said, "I need this, I haven't cried on my birthday like that for years.  I need to have a good night tonight.  I need you to take what ever is going on and for the next 5 hours put it away and try to have a good time.  Otherwise, I'm driving myself down there."  He nodded, put his phone away, and really tried.  When he saw Kay, she did the whole what's wrong dance, and she looked at me and he said, "Don't look at her for the answer, she doesn't know and it's not fair to put her in the middle."  I had a fantastic night. 

Surianne

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Re: Maybe you're right but...
« Reply #37 on: February 07, 2012, 04:27:07 PM »
Great news, OP...it sounds like you handled it firmly but also sensitively, and like Brett really listened.  So glad to hear you enjoyed your night! 

I wouldn't be surprised if Brett processed what you said and thought about it going forward, too. 

Gyburc

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Re: Maybe you're right but...
« Reply #38 on: February 09, 2012, 06:02:17 AM »
Oh, well done! Not just for your handling of Brett, but also for how you've sorted out the housemate issue. I'm glad you had a good night (and I suspect Brett did too, and that might be a bit of a wake-up call for him!)

Best,

G
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