If any of you have been following, I really have no skill in communicating with Dark Boyfriend when it pertains to my self-esteem. This certainly is the man with which I want to spend the rest of my life. Part of our very minuscule problem involves his inability to perceive things from others' points of view; the other (more important) part involves me being able to effectively express my emotions when they are hurt.
I want to point out right here and now that I know the onus of the following matter pertains specifically with me and that he has absolutely done nothing wrong. This is definitely my hang up and I have not communicated that to him, ever, and he cannot be held accountable for something I have never told him.
We are currently at his brother's house. Their mother and her long-term boyfriend are also here. In a joke (and I know Dark Boyfriend knows it is a joke because I have specifically addressed it with him), I mentioned how I was the one repairing the fence (because 1 of 2 dogs was escaping) while he was putting away groceries (something even he posted on Facebook because we joke about things like that). His brother basically quoted the quote that was next posted on Facebook, then I the next, and his brother the following. Dark Boyfriend then replied, "Yeah, when was the last time you actually worked a job?"* Because I am a good sport, I replied, "When was the last time you worked a full time job, went to school full time, and still did things around the house?" (which I did about a year ago) He chuckled, waffled, then said, "Around 2004." This really was all kidding; this is normal for all of us (his mother included.) That is not what bothered me.
What bothers me is that I know I don't contribute much because all I do at the present time is full-time school...and he knowsthat this semester is very easy for me, as was the last, because the majority of it is online (I am a visual learner who learns best by reading). I constantly feel like I could be doing more to contribute (FTR, I have applied for a number of jobs but have not been called back or contacted again or the timeline for applications is not yet over), I wash the dishes (he absolutely never does per agreement), I mostly do laundry, I go to class every day, I take care of the dogs more because I am home more often, et cetera.
What he doesn't know is how awful this makes me feel. I feel like I could do more, as in be more attentive about cleaning the rest of the house, or be more attentive about the dogs, but I simply don't do it. That makes me feel useless. I know that I should be spending a lot of time studying, but the fact of the matter is that it really doesn't take much of me studying for me to do well in a class. I also know that I could spend that extra time I have cleaning the house...but I don't. That makes me feel awful and useless.
...so when he said that about me having a job, I felt absolutely unimportant and like I contributed absolutely nothing to the world*. To his merit, he has absolutely no idea how awful I feel that I don't contribute more to our household. I honestly do not believe he said it out of malice, but that he said it more out of that is a) how we joke and b), that is the ultimate logical truth.
The question is a) is it worth bringing up to him how his comment made me feel; and b)if it is worth it, what the e-hell do I say? In answer to that question, I think it is important to consider the "*" below.
*Dark Boyfriend has told me at the very least weekly that he has sat around work and either watched a movie or played card games because they have had nothing to do. Dark Boyfriend has also only attended 1 semester of college. At one point, I was at college full time AND was working full time. He had the audacity to say to me once, "When was the last time you worked 13 hours straight?" to which I replied, "What do you think full time school AND full time work is like? I have so little time on my hands that I do homework at work, then I come home, do more homework, then I cook dinner while doing dishes at the same time! Usually after that, I can't play video games with you because I am still doing homework!" He has never said, "When was the last time you worked 13 hours?" to me again...other than trying to stick up for himself, I can't imagine why he would make a comment about me not currently having a job. Again, I must stress that I know that all of this transaction about jobs was picking on one another; he had absolutely no malice, picking on eachvother is something we do regularly. He doesn't know that this is a soft spot for me currently because I have neither indicated that it was nor have told him so directly. This really is all on me, hence the original question above.