Author Topic: This communication error is solely on me...  (Read 6906 times)

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cheyne

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Re: This communication error is solely on me...
« Reply #45 on: January 30, 2012, 11:59:26 PM »
I took the liberty of copying and pasting the conversation, as I wanted to reply to each verbal sally.  These are my observations only.  I am not a counselor, nor do I play one on TV.

DM: So when I was outside fixing the fence, I saw a car with a bumper sticker that said "I don't just hug trees, I kiss them, too." Nothing wrong, teasing or PA about this statement.  It sounds like you were just making an observation.

Brother: You mean while DB was inside putting the groceries away? -grin- Brother was needling DB about doing a "womans" job or at least the more feminine job while you were doing the "mans" job.

DB: Yeah, that she bought with my money. I think DB was just replying to brother, to show that he was "bringing home the bacon" or doing the "masculine" job.  I don't believe he intended to hurt you with this remark, he was defending himself to his brother.

DM:  Yeah, but you didn't have to go shopping (something we both hate), so you got off easy. DB's statement hurt you when he told his brother that you had used his money to buy the groceries.  You have guilt associated with not having a tax paying job right now, so you are trying to show that you do contribute to the household.  But this shifted the pseudo argument from DB's brother to you.

DB: I've had to go shopping lately. DB is now replying to your saying he "got off easy", he is now directing his anger/frustration at you instead of his brother.  DB is still trying to prove that he does his fair share in the household.

DM:  Yeah, but when was the last time you went alone for the both of us?Your reply because it's bothering you about your contributions to the household.  You both have left the realm of teasing and moved to PA comments/arguing.

DB:  Like a year ago -chuckle-...-pause-  Well when was the last time you had a job? DB wanted to cut you down to size a little.  First his brother was needling him about his masculinity, now you have picked up the baton and won't stop needling him.  He struck back at you in a way that he knew would hurt you.

Does brother often needle/tease DB about your rel@tionship or in other areas?  Did they grow up in a family that do this often?  When brother is teasing DB it may help your rel@tionship with DB if you stayed out of it.  I believe that DB was only responding to his brother with the "my money" comment.  I don't believe he meant to hurt you or even tease you.  However, you turned his attention to you when you jumped in with the "got off easy" and DB felt he had to defend himself to both his brother and you.

Surianne has the right idea.  Try to not tease each other for a week and see how it goes.  If he doesn't want to/can't, you stop teasing him with other people or when anyone else is around.  If DB continues to draw you in or make remarks that hurt you, it will be time for a rel@tionship talk.


 

WillyNilly

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Re: This communication error is solely on me...
« Reply #46 on: January 31, 2012, 11:30:34 AM »
^ I think cheyne makes a great point.

I sort of touched on it earlier but not as well.  I think this is a part of the whole teasing issue.  I've definitely been there and had to learn this subtly too:

Teasing between you and BD can be sweet, and funny, and cute and relationship-y.  But once you add in an outsider, things need to shift.  Inside your relationship you and BD are individuals but outwardly you are a couple, a unit, a team.  So when someone outside the unit gets a dig in, you (and DB to you) need to defend, not join in, on the teasing.  You need to be on his team.

Think about a sports team - when its just the team, say practice time, the team plays against one another - teammates might do a trick, or score a point in an unconventional method, or even just play hard and strong against one another.  But once there is an opponent, the team stands together and plays against the opponent, totally united with their teammates.

I had to learn that too.  I used to join in, for example when an ex-BF's parents would gently rib him about his job or other stuff.  But then he and I had it out and he told me how hurtful it was and how unsupportive it felt.  I had to learn I could rib him privately, but once others were around I would stick up for him - his dad would rib him about his crappy job and I would say "yeah but its great his schedule allows him to take my car in for an oil change!"

Surianne

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Re: This communication error is solely on me...
« Reply #47 on: January 31, 2012, 11:33:28 AM »
Teasing between you and BD can be sweet, and funny, and cute and relationship-y.  But once you add in an outsider, things need to shift.  Inside your relationship you and BD are individuals but outwardly you are a couple, a unit, a team.  So when someone outside the unit gets a dig in, you (and DB to you) need to defend, not join in, on the teasing.  You need to be on his team.

I agree.  It's also a hugely different dynamic if it's two against one, than if it's just you and your boyfriend teasing each other.  Your boyfriend likely felt a bit ganged up on when both of you started teasing him about the same issue.  I think Cheyne's whole analysis of the motivations behind each line is pretty astute.

June24

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Re: This communication error is solely on me...
« Reply #48 on: February 08, 2012, 01:16:00 AM »
I don't think you should say anything. You say that you could be doing all these extra things (cleaning the house, being more attentive to the dogs, etc...). So do them. Instead of complaining to your bf about how your lack of motivation/whatever makes you feel bad, I think you should try to work more at actually doing these things. I don't think he can do much to help you work through these feelings. They're your feelings, and you know what to do to make yourself feel better. No point in complaining to him when you could just do more stuff around the house so that you feel like you're pulling your weight. In the long run, I think that will make you feel better than talking to him.

Also, the jokes seem really mean spirited, PA, and under cutting to me, but all relationships are different. If it were my relationship, I would not be comfortable with that type of joking, but I'm not sure if that's something you want to change. If you do, then I think that's definitely worth talking about.
« Last Edit: February 08, 2012, 01:23:09 AM by June24 »