Author Topic: Would you want to hear an apology from the "other woman"?  (Read 10373 times)

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Surianne

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Re: Would you want to hear an apology from the "other woman"?
« Reply #45 on: January 29, 2012, 05:34:29 PM »
I guess my viewpoint is the reason she's upset is that her husband considered cheating on her with her friend, and not because of anything internal to the wife.

Dr_Manners

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Re: Would you want to hear an apology from the "other woman"?
« Reply #46 on: January 29, 2012, 05:35:51 PM »
I guess my viewpoint is the reason she's upset is that her husband considered cheating on her with her friend, and not because of anything internal to the wife.
Perhaps we are simply viewing it differently.  But, either way, if she is upset that her husband considered cheating on her, does that not suggest that her anger should be directed toward him and not the other woman (who, per her own admission, recognized that they had developed mutual feelings and stopped it before it went too far?)

Surianne

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Re: Would you want to hear an apology from the "other woman"?
« Reply #47 on: January 29, 2012, 05:38:11 PM »
I guess my viewpoint is the reason she's upset is that her husband considered cheating on her with her friend, and not because of anything internal to the wife.
Perhaps we are simply viewing it differently.  But, either way, if she is upset that her husband considered cheating on her, does that not suggest that her anger should be directed toward him and not the other woman (who, per her own admission, recognized that they had developed mutual feelings and stopped it before it went too far?)

No, I think it's quite healthy, rational, and normal to direct her anger at both of them.

Dr_Manners

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Re: Would you want to hear an apology from the "other woman"?
« Reply #48 on: January 29, 2012, 05:41:14 PM »
I guess my viewpoint is the reason she's upset is that her husband considered cheating on her with her friend, and not because of anything internal to the wife.
Perhaps we are simply viewing it differently.  But, either way, if she is upset that her husband considered cheating on her, does that not suggest that her anger should be directed toward him and not the other woman (who, per her own admission, recognized that they had developed mutual feelings and stopped it before it went too far?)

No, I think it's quite healthy, rational, and normal to direct her anger at both of them.
On this, I'm afraid we must agree to disagree.  I can not understand how it is rational to blame someone for the feelings they developed toward your spouse.

Surianne

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Re: Would you want to hear an apology from the "other woman"?
« Reply #49 on: January 29, 2012, 05:43:46 PM »
Yep, that's a giant whopping disagree from me on this one. 

Ceallach

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Re: Would you want to hear an apology from the "other woman"?
« Reply #50 on: January 29, 2012, 05:46:23 PM »
First of all, I think the OP did absolutely do something wrong. There's no way anyone can say for a fact she didn't. To many people, and many posters, they view it as something wrong. To accuse the wife of having issues because she's upset that her husband got caught up in an emotional and nearly physical affair is pretty rude.

Second of all, one crucially important point I'm confused about is that the OP says they both opening flirted, and SHE told the Other Man they needed to stop because she had developed feelings. Did the OM say the feeling was mutual or did he accept her at her word? Can you clarify?

In my view, either way I think she should not bother this poor woman further. But I further stress is the "feelings" are just on her part, she should go as far as to avoid both of these people as much as possible.

This seems harsh on the OP. One cannot help feelings. The important thing is that she did not act on them except by speaking. And the OP states quite clearly that the feeling was reciprocal, they just chose not to act upon it. Was it ideal that they developed feelings? No, of course not. But they did, and they did not have an affair. One can only help actions.

Revealing the feelings to the guy was acting on them, IMHO.  Was it the worst thing she could have done? Of course not.  And it's good they decided not to pursue it.   Having said that, this wasn't just "I had a little crush but realised it's inappropriate so will stop flirting before it goes too far" which is completely understandable (trust me, I've had a lot of crushes!!), instead they turned it into "Well I had a crush and so I told him and it turns out he likes me too!  So we could have gone ahead and had an affair, but we decided not to after all, y'all cool with that?"  

I would be furious if some woman told my husband that she had feelings for him.  Why do that if they are not attempting to initiate an affair?  Or get some kind of validation of their feelings?  It's not the right thing to do.  Still, what's done is done.
"Nobody can do everything, but everybody can do something"


miranova

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Re: Would you want to hear an apology from the "other woman"?
« Reply #51 on: January 29, 2012, 05:50:19 PM »
The thing that would upset me most about this situation is the level of intimacy indicated by the fact that OP and OM discussed their feelings with each other.  I could understand if my husband started flirting with another woman, and even if he developed a crush.  But for him to discuss those feelings with the other woman is crossing a line IMHO.  That basically indicates that an actual affair was considered.   

Yep, this would be the most upsetting part to me as well.  This also explains why the woman is upset at the OP and not just at her own husband.  If my husband came to me and said "I've been having some inappropriate feelings for your friend, and I'm sorry.  I'm going to avoid her now, and I want to regain your trust whatever it takes" I'd be hurt and upset at him (although admittedly this would be far less hurtful than if he had actually acted on it, of course) but we could work through it if he were sincere. 

If however he said "I've had feelings for your friend, and we discussed and decided to back off" then I'm going to be VERY upset and at BOTH of them and feel totally betrayed.  Unless my friend's reaction was anything but "what are you talking about, I don't have any feelings for you and never have" then she was involved and there was a level of betrayal from BOTH of them.  I don't really quite understand the feeling of "they didn't do anything wrong".  I don't agree.  I know I may be alone in this, but this is one reason why flirting is not as innocent as it may seem.  Flirting leads to other things, if it didn't, people who are dating would never flirt with each other.  I'm not even sure there is such a thing as "innocent flirting" when the parties are married to other people.  This is not to say that ALL flirting leads to affairs, simply that it is dangerous and risky behavior, especially when you are dealing with your friend's spouse!  I think it was very unwise to engage in the flirting and I think it was wrong to have a conversation about it BEFORE talking to their respective spouses.  I think whoever was feeling the "this is wrong" feeling first should have told their own spouse, then explained to the other couple why they could never socialize again.  To have the conversation with the potential affair partner first is a betrayal in my mind.

Of course, I am aware that my views on this are more conservative than most, but I'm comfortable with that and I don't think that it makes me in any way disturbed or in need of help.  As long as my DH and I are on the same page, I'm ok with that.  And I can say 100% that he would agree that there is no such thing as innocent flirting when you are married to someone else.

I do commend the OP for stopping this progression.  I do. She prevented much more untold hurt and destruction.  But I can not agree that no harm was done.

Ticia

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Re: Would you want to hear an apology from the "other woman"?
« Reply #52 on: January 29, 2012, 05:53:51 PM »
Insofar as this is not really something that etiquette can cover, this thread is closed. Best of luck to you, linteater.
Utah