Would you want to hear an apology from the "other woman"?

[BuffaloFang]

I'm sort of in the position of being the "other woman", kind of...

The OM and I had a history of flirting.  Nothing secretive, and usually in front of our spouses.  Long story short, we both developed feelings for each other.  I brought it up to him and said we had to stop before anything more serious happened. I confessed to my DH, and the OM confessed to his wife.  My DH is fine with it.  The other wife did not take it well at all.

I want to apologize to the other wife.  We were friends before this all happened, and I never meant for it to happen, and I'm very sorry.  But I can't tell if apologizing to her would just make her feel worse.  Would you want to hear an apology in her shoes?  Or should I leave it alone?

ETA: It never went anywhere beyond flirting.  I stopped it when I realized feelings had developed.

[SiotehCat]

I would not want to hear an apology or anything else from you. I think you should leave it alone.

[jmarvellous]

I apologized the one time I was accidentally the "other woman." (Long story, he was a good liar!) It did nothing to keep her from badmouthing me and dragging my name through the mud for YEARS. She simply refused to believe that I did what I did innocently, and part of me can't blame her for acting irrationally in all her hurt. That's to say, don't expect an apology to do anything to heal or control the damage done. That said, if she's open to hearing you, go for it.

As a woman in a relationship now, I can't say I'd want to listen to a woman apologizing to me now. I wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction of closure, bitter as that makes me sound.

In short, try, but not too hard.

[Steve]

I agree with SiotehCat. I would not want to hear it.

[Animala]

Hmm, I think it would really depend on where I was in the "getting over it" process and how it was done.  I think a note or an email would be best with the realization that others may see it.  Also it would need to be truly about being sorry for betraying the relationship rather than about how badly you feel.  You would also need to be prepared for any kind of backlash that may occur.

 I think I would have appreciated it although honestly him doing the same thing to his 2nd wife that he did to me has been way more satisfying than an apology ever could have been.  I'm pretty sure that makes me a bad person.  That said I would still forgive her even now if she asked for it.

[Girly]

Many years ago there was an 'other woman' in DH's and my relationship. It was a one night thing, and I found out about it.

She ended up calling me and apologizing after I found out.

I kind of feel that SHE needed to call me for HERSELF so she could apologize to me and try to stop feeling guilty about it, and I dislike her that much more for not only having the gall to be the 'other woman' but then to call me and apologize.... so she could sleep at night!!!

So, no. I wouldn't call the wife. I'd leave it be.

[WestAussieGirl]

If I were the "wronged" spouse I wouldn't want to hear it and would probably see it as you trying to absolve yourself of guilt.

[Bibliophile]

I would not want to hear an apology or anything else from you. I think you should leave it alone.

Pod. I wouldn't want anything from the other woman. It would come across as a way to salve your guilty conscience but wouldn't have any benefit for me. An apology wouldn't save a friendship had it been me in her shoes. I'd prefer that my husband give her the cut direct and that would end my association with her.

[DuBois]

I agree with the others that I wouldn't want to hear it. That said, I don't think you should beat yourself up, OP. The wife is probably angry with you because it beats being angry with her husband. You both stopped it before anything really happened, so I say just let it go, and stop seeing them socially at all.

[FoxPaws]

I want to apologize to the other wife.  We were friends before this all happened, and I never meant for it to happen, and I'm very sorry.  But I can't tell if apologizing to her would just make her feel worse.  Would you want to hear an apology in her shoes?  Or should I leave it alone?

A lot of time - and I am talking years - would have to pass before I would be amenable to this. Right now, no matter how sincere you are, it's going to come across as trying to soothe your own conscience. Leave it alone. (Although I do give you props for recognizing where this was headed and nipping it in the bud.)

[something.new.every.day]

I think the best "apology" would be staying out of their lives completely.   

[NyaChan]

I think that it is best for that couple and for you if maintain separate lives from now on.  Why bring up something so hurtful to her and then open yourself up to whatever anger she is sure to be feeling?  I can understand wanting to show that you are aware you made a mistake, but I don't think that is what saying sorry will convey to her. 

Your friend isn't apologizing to your husband is he?  That might be because it is almost like rubbing in that "yeah I could have taken your spouse from you, but I realized that would be wrong so I didn't."  I don't think that is what you are trying to do at all, but somethings just can't be fixed with a verbal apology - the best thing you can do for yourself and this couple is to let them deal with their marriage, and you focus on your own - I would remove myself from their social lives entirely. 

[mamakinz]

As the wife in this sort of situation - no I did not want to hear an apology from the other woman. And 4 years later - I still have no interest in hearing an apology from her - I feel it would be an apology for her benefit, not mine

[Winterlight]

Don't make your guilt her problem. No matter how innocently this happened, she's got enough to deal with.

[Allyson]

I think if she approaches you on the matter, you should apologise sincerely once, and other than that leave it alone. Especially in this case where nothing even happened and you did the right thing, it will probably not make her feel better. She doesn't feel badly because you're not contrite enough...it's about her husband, he needs to be the one to make it better with her.