Author Topic: Would you want to hear an apology from the "other woman"?  (Read 11026 times)

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Surianne

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Re: Would you want to hear an apology from the "other woman"?
« Reply #30 on: January 29, 2012, 04:24:27 PM »
Part of it is also likely that the spouses would have suspected something was up if the OP and the other man suddenly decided the four of them couldn't hang out anymore.  It would be tricky to remove temptation (not hang out) without disclosing why. 

So I had the "Why tell?" reaction at first, but if the two couples are also friends, it's a bit stickier.  And I think the reasons Lost in Translation mentions are valid ones, too.

DuBois

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Re: Would you want to hear an apology from the "other woman"?
« Reply #31 on: January 29, 2012, 04:25:29 PM »


^^^

Yeah, that too. That would have been pretty awkward!

Mental Magpie

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Re: Would you want to hear an apology from the "other woman"?
« Reply #32 on: January 29, 2012, 04:39:45 PM »
I have a question.  If I understand correctly this is the sequence:

1.  OP and Friend's husband jokingly flirted around a bit for a long time.
2.  OP and Friend's husband began to gradually realize they really were strongly attracted to one another, dangerously so.
3.  OP and Friend's husband made a conscientious decision to screech to a halt and stop their destructive (to both marriages)
     behavior.
4.  OP and Friend's husband told their respective spouses about this emotional, but not physical affair.

Why did you two decide to go to step 4?  It seems that since there was no actual physical aspect (yet), there was no danger of pregnancy, STDs, etc.  So why didn't you resolve this between yourselves and leave the other spouses out of it.  It just seems that the other two "innocent" people were hurt here, maybe unnecessarily.

I do think you and Friend's husband are to be commended for shutting down this untenable situation and working on each of your respective marriages instead.  I just can't help but wonder, since you reached a resolution by yourselves, if the other two might have been better off not knowing.

IDK. I hear what you're saying, and you might well be right. On the other hand, I could imagine that OP and the 'other man' both felt that they owed a measure of honesty to their spouses.  I could imagine that they both felt that they should 'clear the air' and that not to disclose these feelings to their respective spouses (when they had disclosed to one another) would be keeping something back, and be a form of deceit. I don't know, of course, but I could imagine that that could be the reasoning.

I would definitely see it as a form of deceit, especially if I found out way after the fact. Even if it hurt, I think the spouses deserved to hear the truth.
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Dr_Manners

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Re: Would you want to hear an apology from the "other woman"?
« Reply #33 on: January 29, 2012, 04:45:57 PM »
I'm afraid I must take a different approach than many of the other esteemed eHellions on here.  First, I think you did nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for.  You can not help it if you developed feelings for the other man (OM) and OM can't help it if he developed feelings for you.  Second, you both attempted to do the right thing by stopping the flirting you were so used to engaging in before it turned in to something more.  Your DH, in my humble opinion, is handling it right.  He understands that feelings are not the same as action, and does not hold it against you.  OM's wife, on the other hand, can not deal with the fact that her husband is attracted to someone other than her.

Therefore, rather than confront the fact that her own insecurities are what is causing her anger, she takes it out on you.  I think the best advice would be, as others have said, just steer clear of that couple for a while.  You did nothing wrong, nor did OM.  It is OM's wife that has internal issues she needs to work through.

atirial

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Re: Would you want to hear an apology from the "other woman"?
« Reply #34 on: January 29, 2012, 04:47:02 PM »
I can't think of anyway you could approach her, even to apologise, that wouldn't hurt her and stir up drama again. I'd suggest you step back from them completely. This is one friendship you may not get back - particularly now when the wounds are fresh.

ETA: Reading your post, you say that you were the one that brought it up and said it had to stop, not her husband. Your DH can be sure of you, but she doesn't know if her husband would have continued or progressed this if you had not objected. If there are trust issues already in their marriage, that could make it a lot worse.
« Last Edit: January 29, 2012, 04:54:36 PM by atirial »

Surianne

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Re: Would you want to hear an apology from the "other woman"?
« Reply #35 on: January 29, 2012, 04:55:20 PM »
I'm afraid I must take a different approach than many of the other esteemed eHellions on here.  First, I think you did nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for.  You can not help it if you developed feelings for the other man (OM) and OM can't help it if he developed feelings for you.  Second, you both attempted to do the right thing by stopping the flirting you were so used to engaging in before it turned in to something more.  Your DH, in my humble opinion, is handling it right.  He understands that feelings are not the same as action, and does not hold it against you.  OM's wife, on the other hand, can not deal with the fact that her husband is attracted to someone other than her.

Therefore, rather than confront the fact that her own insecurities are what is causing her anger, she takes it out on you.  I think the best advice would be, as others have said, just steer clear of that couple for a while.  You did nothing wrong, nor did OM.  It is OM's wife that has internal issues she needs to work through.

Or, maybe it's hard to hear your husband was flirting with another woman to the point where they realized they'd be heading to an affair and decided to call it off.

I agree that the OP handled it properly, in stopping before anything began, and in being honest.  But to place blame on the wife, who *actually* has done absolutely nothing, and hasn't betrayed her husband in any way that we know of?   That seems pretty cruel to me. 

If she chooses not to be friend with the OP ever again, I think that's perfectly fair self-preservation and has nothing to do with "issues". 

The bolded sections of your post are really uncalled for, in my opinion.

Dr_Manners

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Re: Would you want to hear an apology from the "other woman"?
« Reply #36 on: January 29, 2012, 05:14:17 PM »
I'm afraid I must take a different approach than many of the other esteemed eHellions on here.  First, I think you did nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for.  You can not help it if you developed feelings for the other man (OM) and OM can't help it if he developed feelings for you.  Second, you both attempted to do the right thing by stopping the flirting you were so used to engaging in before it turned in to something more.  Your DH, in my humble opinion, is handling it right.  He understands that feelings are not the same as action, and does not hold it against you.  OM's wife, on the other hand, can not deal with the fact that her husband is attracted to someone other than her.

Therefore, rather than confront the fact that her own insecurities are what is causing her anger, she takes it out on you.  I think the best advice would be, as others have said, just steer clear of that couple for a while.  You did nothing wrong, nor did OM.  It is OM's wife that has internal issues she needs to work through.

Or, maybe it's hard to hear your husband was flirting with another woman to the point where they realized they'd be heading to an affair and decided to call it off.

I agree that the OP handled it properly, in stopping before anything began, and in being honest.  But to place blame on the wife, who *actually* has done absolutely nothing, and hasn't betrayed her husband in any way that we know of?   That seems pretty cruel to me. 

If she chooses not to be friend with the OP ever again, I think that's perfectly fair self-preservation and has nothing to do with "issues". 

The bolded sections of your post are really uncalled for, in my opinion.
I am not attempting to be cruel at all, nor am I attempting to blame the OM's wife.  She did nothing wrong either.  When I say that she has internal issues to work through, I don't mean that as a judgment call.  I mean it simply as a statement of my opinion of what is going on.  Both the OP and the OM realized what was happening, ceased before anything physical occurred, and confessed their feelings to their respective spouses.   If the OM's wife is upset, then I think that stems from something inside of her.

Could it be she does not trust her husband?  Yes, perhaps.  But, the fact that he confessed the feelings leads me to believe that the trust issue isn't really at play. (Although, I will admit that more information is needed to completely rule it out).

But, honestly (and without blame or judgment), I feel that the OM's wife has something internal to work through.  Feelings of anger like this stem from somewhere, and I think that misplacing the blame on to the OP indicates that the cause of her anger is something internal that she needs time to work through.

Please, don't mistake an opinion on someone's internal feelings and issues (which every last one of us have and must deal with, on a variety of subjects) to be cruel.  It is not.

penelope2017

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Re: Would you want to hear an apology from the "other woman"?
« Reply #37 on: January 29, 2012, 05:16:15 PM »
First of all, I think the OP did absolutely do something wrong. There's no way anyone can say for a fact she didn't. To many people, and many posters, they view it as something wrong. To accuse the wife of having issues because she's upset that her husband got caught up in an emotional and nearly physical affair is pretty rude.

Second of all, one crucially important point I'm confused about is that the OP says they both opening flirted, and SHE told the Other Man they needed to stop because she had developed feelings. Did the OM say the feeling was mutual or did he accept her at her word? Can you clarify?

In my view, either way I think she should not bother this poor woman further. But I further stress is the "feelings" are just on her part, she should go as far as to avoid both of these people as much as possible.

Mental Magpie

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Re: Would you want to hear an apology from the "other woman"?
« Reply #38 on: January 29, 2012, 05:20:03 PM »
I'm afraid I must take a different approach than many of the other esteemed eHellions on here.  First, I think you did nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for.  You can not help it if you developed feelings for the other man (OM) and OM can't help it if he developed feelings for you.  Second, you both attempted to do the right thing by stopping the flirting you were so used to engaging in before it turned in to something more.  Your DH, in my humble opinion, is handling it right.  He understands that feelings are not the same as action, and does not hold it against you.  OM's wife, on the other hand, can not deal with the fact that her husband is attracted to someone other than her.

Therefore, rather than confront the fact that her own insecurities are what is causing her anger, she takes it out on you.  I think the best advice would be, as others have said, just steer clear of that couple for a while.  You did nothing wrong, nor did OM.  It is OM's wife that has internal issues she needs to work through.

Or, maybe it's hard to hear your husband was flirting with another woman to the point where they realized they'd be heading to an affair and decided to call it off.

I agree that the OP handled it properly, in stopping before anything began, and in being honest.  But to place blame on the wife, who *actually* has done absolutely nothing, and hasn't betrayed her husband in any way that we know of?   That seems pretty cruel to me. 

If she chooses not to be friend with the OP ever again, I think that's perfectly fair self-preservation and has nothing to do with "issues". 

The bolded sections of your post are really uncalled for, in my opinion.
I am not attempting to be cruel at all, nor am I attempting to blame the OM's wife.  She did nothing wrong either.  When I say that she has internal issues to work through, I don't mean that as a judgment call.  I mean it simply as a statement of my opinion of what is going on.  Both the OP and the OM realized what was happening, ceased before anything physical occurred, and confessed their feelings to their respective spouses.   If the OM's wife is upset, then I think that stems from something inside of her.

Could it be she does not trust her husband?  Yes, perhaps.  But, the fact that he confessed the feelings leads me to believe that the trust issue isn't really at play. (Although, I will admit that more information is needed to completely rule it out).

But, honestly (and without blame or judgment), I feel that the OM's wife has something internal to work through.  Feelings of anger like this stem from somewhere, and I think that misplacing the blame on to the OP indicates that the cause of her anger is something internal that she needs time to work through.

Please, don't mistake an opinion on someone's internal feelings and issues (which every last one of us have and must deal with, on a variety of subjects) to be cruel.  It is not.

No, but it seems like you're saying she has no reason to be upset. He wasn't just attracted to another woman, he was having an emotional affair. Things he should have been sharing with his wife he was sharing with another woman. Being angry at that woman is not out of line because she participated. I don't understand why you think this means she has issues. She is probably just as angry at her husband, we don't know she isn't.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

violinp

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Re: Would you want to hear an apology from the "other woman"?
« Reply #39 on: January 29, 2012, 05:21:36 PM »
I'm afraid I must take a different approach than many of the other esteemed eHellions on here.  First, I think you did nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for.  You can not help it if you developed feelings for the other man (OM) and OM can't help it if he developed feelings for you.  Second, you both attempted to do the right thing by stopping the flirting you were so used to engaging in before it turned in to something more.  Your DH, in my humble opinion, is handling it right.  He understands that feelings are not the same as action, and does not hold it against you.  OM's wife, on the other hand, can not deal with the fact that her husband is attracted to someone other than her.

Therefore, rather than confront the fact that her own insecurities are what is causing her anger, she takes it out on you.  I think the best advice would be, as others have said, just steer clear of that couple for a while.  You did nothing wrong, nor did OM.  It is OM's wife that has internal issues she needs to work through.

Or, maybe it's hard to hear your husband was flirting with another woman to the point where they realized they'd be heading to an affair and decided to call it off.

I agree that the OP handled it properly, in stopping before anything began, and in being honest.  But to place blame on the wife, who *actually* has done absolutely nothing, and hasn't betrayed her husband in any way that we know of?   That seems pretty cruel to me. 

If she chooses not to be friend with the OP ever again, I think that's perfectly fair self-preservation and has nothing to do with "issues". 

The bolded sections of your post are really uncalled for, in my opinion.
I am not attempting to be cruel at all, nor am I attempting to blame the OM's wife.  She did nothing wrong either.  When I say that she has internal issues to work through, I don't mean that as a judgment call.  I mean it simply as a statement of my opinion of what is going on.  Both the OP and the OM realized what was happening, ceased before anything physical occurred, and confessed their feelings to their respective spouses.   If the OM's wife is upset, then I think that stems from something inside of her.

Could it be she does not trust her husband?  Yes, perhaps.  But, the fact that he confessed the feelings leads me to believe that the trust issue isn't really at play. (Although, I will admit that more information is needed to completely rule it out).

But, honestly (and without blame or judgment), I feel that the OM's wife has something internal to work through.  Feelings of anger like this stem from somewhere, and I think that misplacing the blame on to the OP indicates that the cause of her anger is something internal that she needs time to work through.

Please, don't mistake an opinion on someone's internal feelings and issues (which every last one of us have and must deal with, on a variety of subjects) to be cruel.  It is not.

No, but it seems like you're saying she has no reason to be upset. He wasn't just attracted to another woman, he was having an emotional affair. Things he should have been sharing with his wife he was sharing with another woman. Being angry at that woman is not out of line because she participated. I don't understand why you think this means she has issues. She is probably just as angry at her husband, we don't know she isn't.

POD to Dark Magdalena. I'd be ticked if my potential SO was having an emotional affair.
"It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but even more to stand up to your friends" - Harry Potter


Dr_Manners

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Re: Would you want to hear an apology from the "other woman"?
« Reply #40 on: January 29, 2012, 05:23:46 PM »
First of all, I think the OP did absolutely do something wrong. There's no way anyone can say for a fact she didn't. To many people, and many posters, they view it as something wrong. To accuse the wife of having issues because she's upset that her husband got caught up in an emotional and nearly physical affair is pretty rude.

Second of all, one crucially important point I'm confused about is that the OP says they both opening flirted, and SHE told the Other Man they needed to stop because she had developed feelings. Did the OM say the feeling was mutual or did he accept her at her word? Can you clarify?

In my view, either way I think she should not bother this poor woman further. But I further stress is the "feelings" are just on her part, she should go as far as to avoid both of these people as much as possible.
Perhaps this is a cultural fault here.  To say someone "has issues" is in no way an insult, a judgment on them or their mental stability, a way to blame them, cruel, or otherwise.  It is simply a fact that we all have issues, we all have things that we must work through mentally.  This is not, in any way, a negative thing.  So, in saying that OM's wife has issues to work through concerning the source of her anger is not blame, nor do I consider it to be rude.  If you disagree, that is fine.  But, i do not understand how it could be rude to suggest that OM's wife has something to work through concerning the situation.

Ceallach

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Re: Would you want to hear an apology from the "other woman"?
« Reply #41 on: January 29, 2012, 05:25:40 PM »
The thing that would upset me most about this situation is the level of intimacy indicated by the fact that OP and OM discussed their feelings with each other.  I could understand if my husband started flirting with another woman, and even if he developed a crush.  But for him to discuss those feelings with the other woman is crossing a line IMHO.  That basically indicates that an actual affair was considered.   If you develop inappropriate feelings for somebody or realise you're behaving in a way that is not in keeping with your commitment to your spouse, then you change that behaviour, you don't go chat to the other person about your feelings and what you should do about it. That goes beyond a flirtation and involves the other person in *your* marriage and you in theirs.  The person to talk to is your spouse, not the person you're attracted to.

And the last thing I'd want is that woman coming to apologize or talk to me about it.  Stay out of my marriage.  What my husband does is between him and me.   Obviously if the topic arose or if I went to you about it then you should be appropriately contrite about your participation.  But I doubt that will occur.  Just move on and stay out of her way in future.  More importantly, stay away from her husband. 
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Surianne

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Re: Would you want to hear an apology from the "other woman"?
« Reply #42 on: January 29, 2012, 05:27:01 PM »
I am not attempting to be cruel at all, nor am I attempting to blame the OM's wife.  She did nothing wrong either.  When I say that she has internal issues to work through, I don't mean that as a judgment call.  I mean it simply as a statement of my opinion of what is going on.  Both the OP and the OM realized what was happening, ceased before anything physical occurred, and confessed their feelings to their respective spouses.   If the OM's wife is upset, then I think that stems from something inside of her.

Could it be she does not trust her husband?  Yes, perhaps.  But, the fact that he confessed the feelings leads me to believe that the trust issue isn't really at play. (Although, I will admit that more information is needed to completely rule it out).

But, honestly (and without blame or judgment), I feel that the OM's wife has something internal to work through.  Feelings of anger like this stem from somewhere, and I think that misplacing the blame on to the OP indicates that the cause of her anger is something internal that she needs time to work through.

Please, don't mistake an opinion on someone's internal feelings and issues (which every last one of us have and must deal with, on a variety of subjects) to be cruel.  It is not.

Okay.  I appreciate the response...I think that because this viewpoint offends me quite a bit, all I can say here without derailing is that I completely disagree with you on this one.  I think the wife has a very good reason to be upset. 

I also disagree that the OP and the other man did nothing wrong.  I think they did something wrong and corrected it, which is admirable (I completely respect you for that, OP). 

But if the OP's husband and the other man's wife were in monogamous marriages, they *did* violate the trust of their respective spouses.  If one is having trouble forgiving and trusting again, that is not a sign that she has a problem.  I think it's actually very understandable, and I would feel quite angry and upset myself in her shoes. 

An emotional affair is hurtful.  To be hurt by one is pretty normal, and not a sign that there's something wrong with the person who is hurt.

DuBois

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Re: Would you want to hear an apology from the "other woman"?
« Reply #43 on: January 29, 2012, 05:30:29 PM »
First of all, I think the OP did absolutely do something wrong. There's no way anyone can say for a fact she didn't. To many people, and many posters, they view it as something wrong. To accuse the wife of having issues because she's upset that her husband got caught up in an emotional and nearly physical affair is pretty rude.

Second of all, one crucially important point I'm confused about is that the OP says they both opening flirted, and SHE told the Other Man they needed to stop because she had developed feelings. Did the OM say the feeling was mutual or did he accept her at her word? Can you clarify?

In my view, either way I think she should not bother this poor woman further. But I further stress is the "feelings" are just on her part, she should go as far as to avoid both of these people as much as possible.

This seems harsh on the OP. One cannot help feelings. The important thing is that she did not act on them except by speaking. And the OP states quite clearly that the feeling was reciprocal, they just chose not to act upon it. Was it ideal that they developed feelings? No, of course not. But they did, and they did not have an affair. One can only help actions.

Dr_Manners

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Re: Would you want to hear an apology from the "other woman"?
« Reply #44 on: January 29, 2012, 05:32:16 PM »
I am not attempting to be cruel at all, nor am I attempting to blame the OM's wife.  She did nothing wrong either.  When I say that she has internal issues to work through, I don't mean that as a judgment call.  I mean it simply as a statement of my opinion of what is going on.  Both the OP and the OM realized what was happening, ceased before anything physical occurred, and confessed their feelings to their respective spouses.   If the OM's wife is upset, then I think that stems from something inside of her.

Could it be she does not trust her husband?  Yes, perhaps.  But, the fact that he confessed the feelings leads me to believe that the trust issue isn't really at play. (Although, I will admit that more information is needed to completely rule it out).

But, honestly (and without blame or judgment), I feel that the OM's wife has something internal to work through.  Feelings of anger like this stem from somewhere, and I think that misplacing the blame on to the OP indicates that the cause of her anger is something internal that she needs time to work through.

Please, don't mistake an opinion on someone's internal feelings and issues (which every last one of us have and must deal with, on a variety of subjects) to be cruel.  It is not.

Okay.  I appreciate the response...I think that because this viewpoint offends me quite a bit, all I can say here without derailing is that I completely disagree with you on this one.  I think the wife has a very good reason to be upset. 

I also disagree that the OP and the other man did nothing wrong.  I think they did something wrong and corrected it, which is admirable (I completely respect you for that, OP). 

But if the OP's husband and the other man's wife were in monogamous marriages, they *did* violate the trust of their respective spouses.  If one is having trouble forgiving and trusting again, that is not a sign that she has a problem.  I think it's actually very understandable, and I would feel quite angry and upset myself in her shoes. 

An emotional affair is hurtful.  To be hurt by one is pretty normal, and not a sign that there's something wrong with the person who is hurt.
I understand that we disagree, and that is fine.  When it comes to opinions, to each their own.

However, I still want people to understand that saying someone has internal issues to deal with is not to say there is "something wrong with the person who is hurt." It is simply a statement that there is a reason she is upset, and a reason why her anger is directed at the OP instead of her husband (if, indeed, she is not mad at her husband which is what I got out of the original post).  It would behoove her to determine why that is.  There is nothing wrong with the OM's wife, it is simply that she has some internal issues to sort out...which is why I recommended that the OP back off and give that couple space.