Significant others and their friends

[TealDragon]

OP, I have a question. Rick is part of Chris and Amy's social group. Can you tell us a bit more about the group. How long has it been one? How many members are there? Is it composed of couples and singles? Has Rick said nasty and/or insulting, even unpleasant things before to any one?

These answers wouldn't affect my response, which is that Rick should be removed from their private lives. He would never come in my home again, to be sure. I would expect my spouse to stand up for me, and to have immediately stood up for me at the time this incident happened. But, I am interested in the background because I think it important even if my answer doesn't change.

There are 6 people in their close social group and then several people that are sometimes around, I think. Two couples and two singles. They have a weekly board game night. I don't really know every individual very well, Amy and I are actually friends from high school  and we live in different states now so I've really only met them all a few times. I think about half of them met in college, so some of them have been friends for 6-10 years and I don't know how all of them know each other, but they've all known each other for probably around 3-4 years. Chris and Rick did meet in college and as far as I know, he's never said anything that inflammatory, but like I mentioned before, he's kind of a weird guy and he doesn't seem like he has much of a filter for what is ok or not ok to say so I've heard stories in the past about him having small arguments with people because he didn't understand why a joke was offensive or something like that, but I haven't heard of him saying anything so outright nasty. I don't get the impression that he's a mean person, but more that he just really has no clue about conventionally acceptable social behavior.

[JoyinVirginia]

Thank for the additional information, op. I feel more strongly than ever, it is time for someone else to take on the responsibility of dufus social education. I will be interested if your friend can demand the respect she deserves. If she becomes doormat to dufus in the name of preserving dh circle of friends, than she will have difficulty being a good parent as her kids grow up and need limits set.

[TealDragon]

Well I talked to her yesterday, and she's as strong in her decision as she was the night she first called me after it all happened. So that seems pretty good. It's only been about two weeks, but I don't really see her giving in. And in response to those wondering why her husband didn't kick Rick out, I don't believe he would have had a chance. Amy can definitely hold her own in a confrontation.

She said Chris thought long and hard about things and decided it would be best for him to not be involved with Rick. Since he doesn't want to put everyone else in an awkward spot, he's not going to make a fuss if Rick is involved in a group activity, but their interactions will be limited. Amy also had a talk with her kids and they said they thought he was really dumb and her daughter said she would have had to ask if Amy was taken away by the aliens if she'd let her have dessert after acting like she did. Kids are too funny sometimes.

[Winterlight]

Well I talked to her yesterday, and she's as strong in her decision as she was the night she first called me after it all happened. So that seems pretty good. It's only been about two weeks, but I don't really see her giving in. And in response to those wondering why her husband didn't kick Rick out, I don't believe he would have had a chance. Amy can definitely hold her own in a confrontation.

She said Chris thought long and hard about things and decided it would be best for him to not be involved with Rick. Since he doesn't want to put everyone else in an awkward spot, he's not going to make a fuss if Rick is involved in a group activity, but their interactions will be limited. Amy also had a talk with her kids and they said they thought he was really dumb and her daughter said she would have had to ask if Amy was taken away by the aliens if she'd let her have dessert after acting like she did. Kids are too funny sometimes.

This sounds like the sensible way to handle it. LOLing at daughter- "Mom's been nabbed by aliens- eat fast before she gets back!"

[Softly Spoken]

Well I guess all I can really do at this point is POD what everyone else said, and say I"m glad it is working out and that I love what the daughter said.
Reading about this situation I am reminded again how much rude behavior happens because people let it happen. And so often people let it happen because they don't know how to confront or (biggest catch-22 ever) they feel their challenging the behavior is somehow rude as well.
When Rick said those things, the appropriate response of all involved would be as follows:
1) Open mouthed stare.
2) Icy pause.
3) "What the heck did you just say?"/ "Dude, that is not cool." / "Excuse me?"
4) Shun / Demand apology / Kick Rick out or any combination thereof.

The thing about this situation (if taken at face value) is Rick has absolutely no defense. This was not a misunderstanding, joke gone wrong/too far or a culture clash etc. There are things you. just. don't. do. They include insulting people and questioning/challenging/criticizing anyone's parenting choices. And you especially don't do either too their face and in their house.

With an attitude like that and no filter, Rick is lucky he has any friends. Toxic.
...
*Must make sure and think of cute kid and alien joke when I go to bed so I can calm down... *

[MacadamiaNut]

Well I guess all I can really do at this point is POD what everyone else said, and say I"m glad it is working out and that I love what the daughter said.
Reading about this situation I am reminded again how much rude behavior happens because people let it happen. And so often people let it happen because they don't know how to confront or (biggest catch-22 ever) they feel their challenging the behavior is somehow rude as well.
When Rick said those things, the appropriate response of all involved would be as follows:
1) Open mouthed stare.
2) Icy pause.
3) "What the heck did you just say?"/ "Dude, that is not cool." / "Excuse me?"
4) Shun / Demand apology / Kick Rick out or any combination thereof.

The thing about this situation (if taken at face value) is Rick has absolutely no defense. This was not a misunderstanding, joke gone wrong/too far or a culture clash etc. There are things you. just. don't. do. They include insulting people and questioning/challenging/criticizing anyone's parenting choices. And you especially don't do either too their face and in their house.

With an attitude like that and no filter, Rick is lucky he has any friends. Toxic.
...
*Must make sure and think of cute kid and alien joke when I go to bed so I can calm down... *

I completely agree with this.  Especially the bolded and the four reaction steps you listed!