Travel issues

[josieh]

My bf and I have been together for about 9mths. His previous gf past away but he still keeps a fairly close relationship with her family.
I met godparents in Nov 2011 for dinner once since we've been together in May. I was never invited to dinner after that.  They gave me xmas present and we visited them during christmas for about 2 hrs. Godparents seem nice but I can understand if they have hard feelings because my bf would've been their daughters bf if she was still around.

Shortly after we got together, he told me he had previously planned vacation with ex's parents to Asia for 3 weeks. I was hoping this plan would fall through eventually but he keeps bringing it up. At first, he did not invite me so every time he brings it up, I just smile and look away. But recently, he's been asking me to go with him. The problem is, this is a trip that his godparents (ex's parents became his godparents after ex past away) invited him to before we were together and I don't know if this is a paid vacation but I don't feel comfortable if it was paid for. I also feel weird to be on a trip with people I am not close with, especially for 3 weeks. And I don't think godparents would feel comfortable either.

Bf's brother recently asked if I am going on this trip with them and I said "this is his trip, I won't be joining". His brother said "He can't survive without you for 3weeks."....convo got sidetracked and we left it at that. Since then, bf never asked me to go with him again.  I am not comfortable knowing bf will be away for 3 wks but feel that this is a previous engagement he agreed to and he is the one who needs to fulfill it - not me. I may be planning a trip to Asia around the same time as well but depending on our schedule, we may be going back to back so we might not see each other for 5-6 weeks.

My question is
1) Am I rude for declining his invite without explaining myself?
2) I don't mind going on the trip as long as godparents invited me (meaning that they can accept me as the 'new' gf and that we got close from now until the trip) but how do I tell him?

Thanks!

[Petticoats]

I don't see rudeness here, but the lack of communication seems counterproductive. Why don't you sit down with your BF and tell him frankly how you feel--both the potential awkwardness and the desire to be with him--and see if he can give you a clearer picture of what's going on. Since this decision will affect you both, it seems smart to me that the two of you talk about it together.

[ilrag]

For question number one, yes!  You should really tell your boyfriend why you don't want to go.

I declined to go on a long trip with my then boyfriend now husband when we were first dating.  He was going to Australia to visit his family - and even offered to pay for my plane ticket. I told him we had in no way been together long enough for me to fly around the planet to meet anyone.  He understood but if I hadn't told him why?  It would have been pretty mean.

[bah12]

Why wouldn't you explain yourself?  I do think that if your BF of 9 months invited you on a vacation and you decline the invite, that an explanation is warranted.  You don't have to say "I don't think Godparents approve of me", but wanting them to have their vacation as originally planned, without you, is a good enough reason.  Besides, I'm sure that you can talk to your BF about your feelings of uneasiness, right?  Also, I would think that details such as who is paying for what should have been discussed in the invite.  Why didn't you ask your BF who is paying?

I'm not sure how long it's been since his previous girlfriend passed away (at least a year by your timeline), but I can understand where there would be some discomfort...on everyone's part.  I doubt that the Godparents have hard feelings, though.  What happened to their daughter has nothing to do with you.  It's just a sad situation that will get easier to deal with as time goes on.

Anyway, tell your BF the truth.  You are uncomfortable because you don't know his godparents and prefer to not go on vacation until you all have had more time to get to know each other. 

[Surianne]

I agree with the others, just be honest and have a discussion about it.  I do think that you "owe" him an explanation, in the sense that it's pretty hurtful to say "No" without explaining why.  If he were a stranger that's different, but you care about him, so it makes sense to be truthful.

[figee]

But is the other problem the length of time you won't be seeing each other (3 weeks - 5 - 6 weeks)?  Because if so, I have to say that that length of time is really not that long over the course of a relationship.  Admittedly my DH is military, but plenty of couples manage it.  So if that's what you're worried about maybe you need to think about why you're worried - do you not trust him for some reason?

[WillyNilly]

My question is
1) Am I rude for declining his invite without explaining myself?

All relationships are individual, so YMMV but to me declining such a trip without explanation after 9 months of dating would be a deal-breaker/break-up warranted action.  If my SO wasn't able to have a conversation with me and explain why they were declining I would feel the relationship was no where near close enough for me to have invited them in the first place and like I'd just basically wasted the last 9 months on what I thought was a serious relationship but which clearly is not reciprocated.  But really that's a relationship issue not an etiquette one... but then again I think leading someone on for 9 months (which is how *I* would take such an action) is rude, so yeah I think its rude.

2) I don't mind going on the trip as long as godparents invited me (meaning that they can accept me as the 'new' gf and that we got close from now until the trip) but how do I tell him?

I would simply say something like "you know, I've been thinking about that trip to Asia and I have to say I'm really not comfortable with traveling with near strangers for 3 weeks so far from home.  I'd really have to spend some more time with them between now and the trip to get to know them better and for all of us to get more comfortable together and really feel like my presence is welcomed.  But if that's not possible I understand.  You had this trip planned for a long time and I want you to go and have a great time no matter what!"

[LifeOnPluto]

Would you consider joining your BF and his godparents for a week or so? That way, if things get awkward, it will still be a short trip for you. And your BF can still get some one-on-one time with his godparents.

[Ceallach]

You definitely need to improve the communication here.  My answer to both of your questions is the same - be honest and gentle about how you feel and your position on the subject.  He will hopefully do the same.   Remember he is not a mind-reader and has no way of knowing how you feel unless you tell him.

For what it's worth, I can see how awkward this situation must be.  After his ex died, the fact her parents became godparents to your BF seems to indicate they were very keen to maintain that close relationship and still treat him as a son-in-law.   That has potential to cause issues ongoing if they see you as the "other woman" so it's important that BF understands that and manages it to avoid issues in your relationship.  Hopefully they just want him to be happy and will be supportive.

[gramma dishes]

Absolutely your reasons for declining the invitation should be discussed gently, but honestly.

Without a doubt, their specific "relationship" with your SO is unusual and could lead to an uncomfortable atmosphere.  I've never heard of becoming godparents after adulthood, so I really can't quite imagine how that works or know what it entails.  But frankly, I expect that in their eyes at least right now you are the "other woman" in their godson's life.  I can kind of sympathize with them to be honest.  It would seem to be awkward for him, you and them. 

But you do need to discuss it.  Really truly you do!

[TheVapors]

So much POD to everyone saying there's a problem with the communication. As in, why are you not communicating?

You should be able to sit down, and have a conversation about all of this with your partner. He might understand right away. He might have a way to make you more comfortable around his godparents.

At the very least, you'll be able to work around his trip (and your potential trip) to Asia. That way, you can both figure out how to manage things during the times that you might not be able to see each other.

[josieh]

The reason why I don't want to discuss is because I don't want to push him into doing anything.  A lot of things bothered me when we first started going out because of the godparents issue. I understand that it is not their fault and there is no one to blame but the situation itself gets very uncomfortable at times.  It took about 6 months for BF to tell godparents about my existence because he didn't know how to bring it up.  I asked one day if they know about me because it really bothered me. BF was very, very apologetic and promised to tell them that week.  I asked him not to because I wasn't looking to prove anything; I just need a better understand of things. And I understand how hard it is for him to be in that position too. 

BF is a very proactive person and he means what he say. If he promise me something, he will do it. I don't want to have a serious conversation with him because I don't want to trigger anything.  I do know I have communication problems and I tend to keep things to myself. I will try to change that....

[DuBois]

In your position, I would be very uncomfortable with your boyfriends friendship with these people. You say that you feel that they resent you for 'replacing' their daughter. Now, if this is just your feeling, and you are assuming, then I think that you need to forget it. Most reasonable people would not feel that way. However, if you have some concrete reason for feeling that they resent you, I think that you need to make it very clear to your boyfriend that that isn't acceptable. Their daughter is dead! They can't expect him never to date again, or to behave as if their daughter never had died. I would say that you should find out how they feel about you joining them: in your position, I would be livid if they excluded me, as I am now in a relationship with their godson. Their daughter doesn't come into it. In fact, I would consider that a dealbreaker if they wanted to exclude me and my boyfriend went along with it. But, it doesn't sound as if that's what's going on here. My advice is to find out where they're coming from. If they truly resent you, I would be telling your boyfriend that it was them or you.

[guihong]

On the contrary, I think he should be pushed into doing something.   I get that the former GF and your new boyfriend were very close, but he wasn't married to her or even engaged.  He's supposed to remain single for the rest of his life?  Are you going to remain a secret because he doesn't want to upset them?  In my own opinion, he sounds too enmeshed in their lives after the tie between them is gone.  I get remaining friends, but it almost sounds like a relationship with his own parents, not the parents of a deceased gf. 

I would be very uncomfortable going on the trip, but that's just part of a bigger issue.   Is there a cultural norm at work that we don't know about?

Basically, I POD Lost in Translation.

[gramma dishes]

...   Is there a cultural norm at work that we don't know about?   ...

This is actually a very VERY important question. 

Is it at all possible that since their own daughter passed away, they feel they have the right to 'select' his "new" girlfriend?  Perhaps one more culturally like themselves?  Could that possibly even be the reason for this extended vacation -- to introduce him to someone else?