Author Topic: Travel issues  (Read 8892 times)

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anonymousmac

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Re: Travel issues
« Reply #30 on: February 09, 2012, 02:04:26 PM »
I don't think he wants to exclude me in their dinners but godparents never asked or invited me over and because these dinners are hosted by godparents at their place, BF can't really invite me without their permission. 

Hmm.  Could he say something to them like, "Godparents, I've been dating Josieh for (however long) now, and it would mean a lot to me to introduce her to you and have you all get to know each other better.  Could I bring her to dinner this Friday?"

Because there are etiquette rules about not inviting only one member of an established couple, I think it would be OK for him to politely ask to bring you like that.  But they probably won't invite you if he never says anything to them about it.

How they react will help you figure out how to proceed.  If they say "Oh, we didn't know you were dating someone seriously, we'd love to meet her!  Of course bring her to dinner!", the way true godparents should, then that's great.

If they get upset and seem to think that it's inappropriate for him to bring you, or for him to be dating someone seriously, then that might tell you that there really is something wrong here (such as maybe they're still trying to keep him as a widower-son-in-law).

My concern is, certain people think more than that and expect something more out of the relationship.  I can see that BF don't care for the dinners or the get togethers but knowing that they're going on a trip together makes me nervous about the whole situation all over again.... I would also be flattered if godparents invited me on this trip but I think this is all BF's wishful thinking....

It sounds like BF is conflicted or uncomfortable with things the way they are, but is afraid or doesn't know how to try to change things.  However, if there's something wrong in the situation, if these people aren't really going to be true godparents in the long run, but are just trying to hold on to the past, then it's really important to find out sooner rather than later, especially if he risks losing you over this.

Your BF can be respectful of the godparents, and sympathetic to their emotions, without necessarily going along with everything they ask for.  He has every right to ask for you to be invited to dinner along with him, or to start spending less time with them if they refuse to accept you.

If it's not even clear whether the godparents have actually invited you on the trip, or if BF was just planning on sort of springing you on them, then I -really- recommend trying to test the waters by trying to be included on the dinner first.  That should tell you both quite a lot about the true situation, and where to go from there.

And, of course, if your BF ends up being too conflicted, or too unwilling to rock the boat in order to make sure that you're treated as his girlfriend, then that tells you something important as well.

gramma dishes

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Re: Travel issues
« Reply #31 on: February 09, 2012, 03:33:12 PM »
"Oh, we didn't know you were dating someone seriously, we'd love to meet her!  ..."

OP says they did have dinner together once and they never invited her again.  Just him.  Apparently they also gave her a Christmas present, so they definitely know she exists.   Maybe they thought that if he wanted them to invite her, he would mention that.  Or maybe they just really don't want her there.

Sara Crewe (previously Tia2)

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Re: Travel issues
« Reply #32 on: February 10, 2012, 03:21:25 PM »
How do BF's parents feel about this relationship?  It sounds as though he spends more time with the godparents than with them!

It sounds to me as though the 6 month relationship is mixed up with their daughter's death in the godparents' minds.  I don't think that is healthy for anyone.

I don't know whether you are in a country where counselling is usual, but I think BF needs to at least talk to someone (even if he doesn't need therapy for himself).  It's not the close relationship so much as it is the deliberate leaving out of BF's new girlfriend - this relationship doesn't sound healthy.

QueenfaninCA

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Re: Travel issues
« Reply #33 on: February 10, 2012, 05:12:31 PM »
Seriously, he needs to man up. He needs to tell his god-parents that he is in a serious relationship. They can either invite him with his partner on Fridays or he'll have to pass on their invitation in the future. Otherwise you might want to pass on him.

WillyNilly

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Re: Travel issues
« Reply #34 on: February 10, 2012, 05:53:32 PM »
So....cruise trip is cancelled due to BF's tight schedule. He doesn't seem to care so much that we have to keep changing our travel plans but his mind is set in stone about his trip to Asia. i can't deny the fact that I am upset about this whole thing. Maybe everyone on here is right about me not being the priority and never will be!

Time to think twice about this relationship.....

So the trip with you and your parents was flexible enough to be cancelled but the trip with ex girlfriend's parents without you is set in stone...

Here's the thing.  He needs to break up with his ex.  Yes yes I know she's passed on.  But he hasn't broken the relationship off, literally.  he is literally still trying to remain connected to her.  Only the problem is, well she's dead.  She has passed on - she has left the relationship and gone to the great beyond, whatever you/he/she believe(d) that to mean.  But it does mean she is not longer actively in a relationship with him, so its time for him to stop actively pursuing a relationship with her [and therefore her parents].  He can of course have a passive relationship with her parents, but its time for that to take a backseat and not his primary relationship.  Which it currently is.

Judah

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Re: Travel issues
« Reply #35 on: February 10, 2012, 06:02:06 PM »
Here's the thing.  He needs to break up with his ex.  Yes yes I know she's passed on.  But he hasn't broken the relationship off, literally.  he is literally still trying to remain connected to her.

You make so much sense.
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MacadamiaNut

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Re: Travel issues
« Reply #36 on: February 10, 2012, 06:46:14 PM »
So....cruise trip is cancelled due to BF's tight schedule. He doesn't seem to care so much that we have to keep changing our travel plans but his mind is set in stone about his trip to Asia. i can't deny the fact that I am upset about this whole thing. Maybe everyone on here is right about me not being the priority and never will be!

Time to think twice about this relationship.....

The bolded troubles me.  OP, I think you are starting to make decisions in your mind before having communicated with your BF and that seems unfair.  The single biggest problem I see here is that BF knows absolutely nothing about how you feel.  For all he knows, you are peachy keen happy about this whole setup.  The weekly dinners, the cruise, the snubbing of you as his GF... all of it!  That's what I gather from reading the thread - please correct me if I'm wrong about that.  But honestly, I have to say I really don't think BF has done anything wrong as yet. 

OP, no matter how awkward you feel about it, you must speak up!!  Please don't blindside him with this later down the line.  The longer you wait, the more hurtful it will seem.  Imagine if you were doing something that bothered him and he didn't let you know for months?  Would you not feel a little deceived by that?  As though he was pretending all this time?  Have the discussion with him and then let the chips fall where they may.  You will likely feel better afterwards.  I get the sense that you're bottling this up inside and that can't be feeling good at all.  If you're afraid to hurt him by bringing it up, just think about the fact that by keeping this to yourself, you already are hurting him and the relationship.
Paperweights, for instance - has anyone ever established what, when, and why
paper has to be weighed down? ::) ~Don Aslett

JoyinVirginia

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Re: Travel issues
« Reply #37 on: March 17, 2012, 02:49:16 AM »
You have received lots of good advice. I agree with macadamia, talk to him sooner rather than later and tell him how you feel. His response will tell you a lot, and maybe help you decide what the next thing to do should be.