EhellDame: this color
Me: this colorOne of blog readers contacted me with a very astute observation he had made while reading the Ehell archives. If you are a fan of the blog, did you know there was an archive of 7,000 stories from previous years? Hours and hours of entertaining reading!
Anyway, after finding said stories, I have to agree that this is a case where a single wedding has yielded two very different stories, two years apart, from two completely different perspectives. The first story was submitted in 2003 by a guest:
It’s kind of long, but this story may even qualify as Faux Pas Of the Year, instead of just “Weddings From Hell”. Although dubbing it “From Hell” would certainly be appropriate. A couple of years ago I was dating
a guy named Tay, and he told me that some friends of his that I didn’t know were getting married, but they’d invited him “and guest” so would I like to be his date? He’d take care of the gift, since I didn’t know the couple. He said I’d find them somewhat strange, but how strange could a wedding be, I thought. (DUN DUN DUNNNNN…. ominous music) I said I’d be delighted to go. Big mistake. Yeah...for them.
It wasn’t just a tacky wedding. EVERYTHING about the wedding was downright HORRIFIC. One disaster after another. I shudder to think about it even now. To start off, the wedding was held outdoors. In the dead of night. On a full moon. In front of a CEMETERY. AAAAAHHHH! There were even no decorations in the wedding area. The closest thing there was the flowers scattered throughout the cemetery. Most of the guests wore black. Some even had black hair and makeup. Even male guests. I couldn’t believe it. And one woman wore a floor-length (or ground-length, I suppose) white gown. Another guest was carrying a cat, another was carrying a SNAKE….. you get the idea. Ooo! Ooo! Can I bring a raven?
The bride and groom had hired a string quartet, they were dressed all in BLACK LEATHER and didn’t play anything that wasn’t in a minor key. Even the “here comes the bride” music sounded like a dirge. Oh, my heavens. No one likes minor - key music.
The wedding party, that’s where I finally admitted to myself it wasn’t going to improve. There were two male and two female groom’s attendants, and two male and two female bride’s attendants, too.There was NO clear MOH or BM. Really? They're supposed to stand out?
The groom’s attendants all wore purple shirts and black pants, purple lipstick and black eye makeup and white face paint, and carried one white candle. The bride’s attendants all wore white shirts and black pants, black lipstick and eye makeup and white face paint, and carried one purple candle. Me likey.
No flowers, pants on the female attendants, and makeup on the male attendants.
THEN came the couple. The groom wore leather pants and boots, and a white, open-necked shirt. In any other setting, that shirt may have been nice, if a bit nineteenth-century. You say that like it's a bad thing.
Needless to say, it may have been the highlight of the event. Anyway, he was wearing a LEATHER COLLAR, five earrings, and an eyebrow ring, and the same makeup as his attendants, and his hair was purple to match it, his attendants, and the bride’s attendants’ candles. And the bride’s gown.
The bride… where do I begin? She was about a foot taller than the groom, The shock! The horror!
she wore white face paint and black lipstick and eye makeup that swirled onto her temples and cheekbones. And combat boots. No veil, no train, no flowers, nothing. Her gown showed off her arms, back, and some of her legs above her boots. It also showed off the tattoos she had all over those parts of her body. Her (black) hair was pulled back to show off the seven rings in each ear.
I don’t know who told these people that this was acceptable at a wedding. The pastor was old, he looked about five minutes away from disintegration. Nice to know you have respect for the elderly.
The blessing was unbelievable, he said the most appallingly inappropriate things, like how in just a few short decades they would be buried here in this cemetery, side by side, six feet under, in matching coffins, rotting together for all eternity. I remember that part word for word because it was in the Addams family. I thought I was going to be sick. (Not at the imagery, but at the fact that it was being said as nuptials.) See, I would laugh. Maybe I'm appallingly innappropriate.
I only stayed because I wasn’t sure I wanted to be seen leaving early by these people. Needless to say, I spent most of the ceremony reconsidering dating
anybody who’d have that type as friends. Well, he was probably reconsidering dating a snob like you, so it's okay.
We all had to walk to the reception which was at a big old house three blocks away from the ceremony. The leather string quartet came with us to provide music there, much to my dismay.
It didn’t get better away from the cemetery. The house was dimly lit and full of cobwebs. There was no champagne, instead they had a lot of red wine to drink and toast with. I hate champagne, so me likey.
I didn’t recognize a single one of the dishes in the buffet, and a lot of them were cold. There was no planned seating arrangement, they barely had tables. A lot of people had to just stand around holding their plates in one hand, with their wine glass on a nearby sideboard. Or else sit on a sofa with their plates in their lap. Tay managed to get us seats at a table, but then I had to work to avoid making eye contact with anybody.
Since there was no best man, nobody made a speech, and most of the guests who tried to dance didn’t have partners. All the gifts had been given earlier, and they were on display on a table. Not a one of them was an appropriate wedding gift. Only one person had even given money, Really, lady? I'm pretty sure they'd appreciate an actual gift rather than a bunch of cash.
and HE had folded a check up and put it in a puzzle box. Tay pointed out the gift with the tag that said “From Tay and [my name]“. It was a pair of hip flasks, one with a dragon on it, the other with a skull and crossbones. Cool beans!
So I wrote two notes, one saying they should be disgusted at what they’re doing to the tradition of marriage, and another breaking up with Tay, and then went to the bathroom and climbed out the window. How mature.
Needless to say, I’ve been screening my calls ever since. Wedhell0524-03And here is same wedding from the bride’s perspective, submitted in 2005. I suspect Tay was the culprit in alerting the bride to his former girlfrind’s Ehell submission.
This happened at my own wedding. I’ll be the first to admit it was….unconventional! lol. My (now) husband and I were very into the Goth scene at the time. I was actually a writer for a well-known horror mag, and hubby-to-be worked as a…well, as a “gore designer”. Think slasher flicks, and you get the idea! We were, therefore, very into the scene–as were most of our mates. We chose to hold a Goth wedding–cemetery, memento mori-style imagery…the whole nine yards. It was a few years ago, and yes, I’d do things differently now…but at the time (and since!), my more-than-loving friends went at their leather togs with gusto and a good attitude.
I had to give you a rundown on my “untraditional” wedding before getting to the Main Course. A good friend of my HTB was invited with his guest. The friend (whom I’ll call “T”) was NOT a subscriber to our lifestyle, but had been more than supportive and got completely into the swing of things. T’s girlfriend, however, was another story! I didn’t hear about it at the time, as I was a nervous bride and my friends and family (God bless my mum and sister!) kept this girl from me. But I gather she spent the whole ceremony Female Dog at those who looked “normal” (her quote) about the setting, lack of decor (we were in a cemetery! Would bows and flowers on the gravestones be more appropriate???), makeup on boys (my mate and I have oodles of friends who are gay
, straight, and everything in between. If they came in glitter and neon, if they were happy, I’D BE HAPPY. Who was this woman to belittle us?) , and (gasp) my freakin’ footwear! (I had a long dress, and chose to wear comfy shoes as opposed to new ones…) Yay for you!
So this stranger is accepting our hospitality whilst yipping to a LOT of our close friends about how “nasty” and “uncouth” we were. Oh for pity's sake.
Even her Boyfriend was embarrassed by her behavior. She went off about our choice of a cold buffet (although we had a seafood bar ), and refused to sit with any of our friends– “T” actually went and set up a table for her, and her alone so she wouldn’t be “contaminated”!
The one interaction I had with her involved her commenting, “Wow, I’m amazed (hubby) knew where to put the actual WEDDING ring.” I am quite pierced, and, in fact, have several tattoos. But what the heck? Do my browrings somehow nullify the wedding ring?
As a final indignity, this girl left a note IN MY BOUQUET, written on tissue, accusing me of making a mockery of marriage, and telling ME, the bride, to tell “T” that she didn’t want to see him anymore! Great googly moogly!
…all I can say is that hubby and I are still deliriously happy, and T is now married–to one of my best friends! While we might not do things the way we did, neither Jay nor I regret our wedding. And all this girl did was prove to me that I have the best, most unjudgemental, most loving friends and family ever. They’ll know me to read this, as they ALL remember her–and I love you guys! Guests1102-05I'm not the biggest fan of theme weddings, but there's no excuse for insulting your hosts' hospitality while you're being hosted by them. And that wedding sounds cool; I wish I could go back in time to see it.