Affair exposed in front of family

[Audrey Quest]

I don't know that I would go so far as to say that you were cheating.

You were having a long distance relationship that presumably ended when you became involved with the man who you later married.

If you carried on with both relationships, I think that would be cheating.

[Moray]

If you're in a relationship that is supposed to be monogamous, cheating is cheating. It's just less hassle for everyone involved if you're not married.   I'm going to have to agree with Surianne 100% on this one.  And the OP stated she cheated so I'm not sure why people are arguing about whether or not she cheated. 

I think that maybe you should have a discussion with your uncle.  Apologize for putting him in that position and suggest that you both put the past behind you.

This, exactly.

This isn't over whether or not the OP cheated. She feels she did. She admits it. Uncle has every reason to feel unhappy that he was an unintentional part of that cheating, but it was pretty darn rude of him to make it a topic of dinner conversation.

All OP can do at this point is ask Uncle to let it lie.

[Audrey Quest]

The thing is though--does the uncle view it as "cheating."
 
Just because I meet someone who is with someone else doesn't mean that they are engaging in an affair.

All the uncle knows is that the first time he met her dh was that weekend and that at the time she was dating someone else.

Big deal!  Unless someone is going to step up and prove that she was doing anything outside of the other relationship, then its not "revealing an affair."  Lots of people are with other people when they meet the person who they later marry. 
 
She presumably did not continue the relationship with her long distance bf so there is nothing more for her family to know or not know.  She met DH and broke it off with other guy.

Whether any of us consider what she did cheating or not is besides the fact, really.

[Ceallach]

I don't know that I would go so far as to say that you were cheating.

You were having a long distance relationship that presumably ended when you became involved with the man who you later married.

If you carried on with both relationships, I think that would be cheating.

The OP has clearly stated in her post that she *was* cheating.  She starting dating her husband but did not end things with her boyfriend straight away.   There was an overlap, therefore during that overlap she was having an affair.   It's not up to us to define the parameters of her relationships. 

[ilrag]

OP, what is it that you want to happen here?

Do you want your uncle to pretend nothing ever happened?
Do you want to visit him?
Do you want him to apologize for bringing up your actions in front of your family?

I think people can give you better (and realistic) advice if they know your hoped for outcomes.

[s]

To clarify a few things... the long distance relationship was with a bf.  We were not engaged or married.  Not that I think that matters.  But for those that want to know specifics those are the facts on that.  And it was about 4.5-5 years ago that this all happened.

Also, I'm very close with this particular uncle and aunt.  I would not have minded if they had asked me about it in private or heck even if they flat out asked us the first time they met him.  I was younger at the time and didn't know how to handle it (though how do you ever handle something like this?) and I hadn't intended on my dh (then "other man") to come on this trip with me.  My uncle and aunt already knew I was coming so I had to meet them.  I mean what was I supposed to say?  "Hello uncle & aunt, this is 'other man'" ?

I don't understand why it was my in laws business to know just because I did something wrong in the past.  It doesn't define who I am.  I don't feel I'm being treated differently so maybe they were initially shocked and got over it.  I don't see them all the time though.  I just felt extremely embarrassed and ashamed at the time.  I'm sure everyone has something they are ashamed or embarrassed about that they would rather be kept private.  And we didn't even get into the whole story obviously because that was an awkward moment that we quickly tried to move past.  So it looks like I'm the bad person but my dh knew I had a bf and still pursued me as well, so we're both at fault.

[stargazer]

Cheating is cheating.  I quite frankly don't understand the posts that seem to think a couple that has defined themselves as boyfriend/girlfriend can have something going on outside the relationship and it's not cheating.   Just because you're not engaged/married doesn't mean it's not cheating.  (Maybe not an "affair" but cheating.)

OP - I kind of feel you brought your DH over to meet your family when he was still just the one you were cheating with and they put two and two together.  I don't think the uncle really SHOULD have said anything, but you kind of gave the "okay" in a way by bringing him by when you were still with your BF.  They wouldn't have known if you hadn't.  He didn't have to come with you when you met with them.

[s]

OP, what is it that you want to happen here?

Do you want your uncle to pretend nothing ever happened?
Do you want to visit him?
Do you want him to apologize for bringing up your actions in front of your family?

I think people can give you better (and realistic) advice if they know your hoped for outcomes.

I'm just wondering how I should act.  I'm thinking it's best if I not bring up the subject.  If they bring it up fine.  I think he should  apologize for bringing up something private that was not anyone's business in front of everyone but I don't want to demand an apology or anything.  I mean this is already awkward enough...

[Ceallach]

To clarify a few things... the long distance relationship was with a bf.  We were not engaged or married.  Not that I think that matters.  But for those that want to know specifics those are the facts on that.  And it was about 4.5-5 years ago that this all happened.

Also, I'm very close with this particular uncle and aunt.  I would not have minded if they had asked me about it in private or heck even if they flat out asked us the first time they met him.  I was younger at the time and didn't know how to handle it (though how do you ever handle something like this?) and I hadn't intended on my dh (then "other man") to come on this trip with me.  My uncle and aunt already knew I was coming so I had to meet them.  I mean what was I supposed to say?  "Hello uncle & aunt, this is 'other man'" ?

I don't understand why it was my in laws business to know just because I did something wrong in the past.  It doesn't define who I am.  I don't feel I'm being treated differently so maybe they were initially shocked and got over it.  I don't see them all the time though.  I just felt extremely embarrassed and ashamed at the time.  I'm sure everyone has something they are ashamed or embarrassed about that they would rather be kept private.  And we didn't even get into the whole story obviously because that was an awkward moment that we quickly tried to move past.  So it looks like I'm the bad person but my dh knew I had a bf and still pursued me as well, so we're both at fault.

I agree it's none of their business, but you made it some of the family's business by involving them.  If you expect them never ever to mention anything about your visit to the rest of the family, then you are forcing them to keep a secret for you, which is unfair.   It was entirely feasible that this would come out at some point in time, and yes that this might colour people's opinions of you and your DH.

Re having to visit them, yes you did, but you didn't have to bring your new man with you.  It would have been easy to say to him "I'm sorry I don't think it's appropriate for you to come with me this time, the family I'm visiting know my BF and I think it's best if I don't introduce you at this stage".  But as you said, you were making mistakes at the time.  But the point is, you *did* introduce him to them.  They know you were with him while still dating BF.   This is a situation of your own making.   Is it horrible when our family find out about some of our stupid mistakes?  Yes, definitely.  I'd be embarassed too.  But unfortunately the truth does come out sometimes. We can't expect other people to protect us from our mistakes.   It's a horribly awkward situation that you find yourself in, but at this point just take the high road and move on.  Accept that some people will think differently of you - there is nothing you can do to change that.  But I don't think there's anything to be gained from discussing it further.  After all, it really *isn't* anybody's business.

[AustenFan]

I don't understand why it was my in laws business to know just because I did something wrong in the past.  It doesn't define who I am.  I don't feel I'm being treated differently so maybe they were initially shocked and got over it.  I don't see them all the time though.  I just felt extremely embarrassed and ashamed at the time.  I'm sure everyone has something they are ashamed or embarrassed about that they would rather be kept private.  And we didn't even get into the whole story obviously because that was an awkward moment that we quickly tried to move past.  So it looks like I'm the bad person but my dh knew I had a bf and still pursued me as well, so we're both at fault.

I don't know where anyone said it was your ILs business.

Unfortunately to many people cheating does define who you are. That may or may not be the case with your aunt and uncle, but you gave up the option of keeping this private when you took this man to meet them while you were publicly with someone else. It was your choice to take now DH on the trip and your choice to have him meet your family while on the trip.

You want an apology from your uncle for 'outing' you, but you seem to be applying a level of accountability to him that you're not willing to assume yourself.

[s]

I don't understand why it was my in laws business to know just because I did something wrong in the past.  It doesn't define who I am.  I don't feel I'm being treated differently so maybe they were initially shocked and got over it.  I don't see them all the time though.  I just felt extremely embarrassed and ashamed at the time.  I'm sure everyone has something they are ashamed or embarrassed about that they would rather be kept private.  And we didn't even get into the whole story obviously because that was an awkward moment that we quickly tried to move past.  So it looks like I'm the bad person but my dh knew I had a bf and still pursued me as well, so we're both at fault.

I don't know where anyone said it was your ILs business.

Unfortunately to many people cheating does define who you are. That may or may not be the case with your aunt and uncle, but you gave up the option of keeping this private when you took this man to meet them while you were publicly with someone else. It was your choice to take now DH on the trip and your choice to have him meet your family while on the trip.

You want an apology from your uncle for 'outing' you, but you're the one responsible for the actions that led to this and don't seem to be willing to hear the posters that have tried explaining that.

I don't see how 2 wrongs make a right.  Like I said, I'm not going to ask him to apologize.  I just believe that what he did was wrong and he "should" apologize for it.  And if he has a problem with me he's welcome to discuss it with me as well. 

[Bibliophile]

I would discuss this with your DH.  Tell him your concerns & get his suggestion on the best way to approach his family with this, if it needs to be approached.  But I would still apologize to your uncle for putting him in that position.  You didn't need to bring your now-DH on the trip - packing mismatched socks is an accident, packing an extra person is preplanned.